lorentz5
Rising Star
Hi everyone,
I had a friend submit this report to me:
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I wanted to share a difficult pharma experience from Feb. I didn't document it immediately, and I've never shared it before, so I don't recall it in all its "grandeur."
140lb (m), 300mg DMT-fumarate, 150mg harmaline, 100mg harmine, mixed 1 cup of water
I was feeling rather malnourished one evening. One hour after a small meal, a dark golbin seized me and coerced me into ingesting a large quantity of fumarates. For me a very strong trip manifests at 50mg DMT with MAO inhibition. The dosage was asinine. Previous high dose (100-120mg) experiments were very heavenly in nature, and I wanted to see how deep I could go.
At the time, I didn't have many cares or concerns, and was very comfortable in my private tripping environment.
I began to feel very lethargic, and tried to nap. Pharma tends to kick in very unpredictably for me. An hour later, I awoke in utter confusion and lay on the bed as a growing unpleasantness spread throughout my body. I felt very nauseous and unwell as my anxiety built.
Soon, I began to feel a very queer sensation, best described as a noticing a dualistic nature to everything I was observing. You know how a wire frame cube with no depth cues can be perceived as either pointing in or out? Well that's how every visible object felt to me. They kept oscillating back and forth and it was very confusing.
I changed positions, to a softer bed, and pulled the covers over my head, turning off the lights. The visual media intensified greatly, and I turned the lights back on in response. I shut my eyes. I chanted prepared phrases. I turned on music. I find the most relaxing music to be ambient dnb e.g. seba/alaska/alix perez, and instead of its normal soothing effect, this time it sounded cacophonic, alien, mechanical, and unnerved me further.
The dualistic madness persisted. It would be the same in intensity whether my eyes were open or not.
The anxiety culminated to astronomical levels. I stumbled across the room to grab a jug of distilled water and I drank hastily, spilling water everywhere.
Panicking, I ripped pages out of several books and wrote in marker "I love myself" on them. I collected the scraps and pressed them against myself and repeated the phrase as I lay feeling very helpless. This really helped temporarily but even non-stop repetition was insufficient.
I arose violently to drink more water, spilling more than half the container on myself. I banged my head against the wall.
Then, in the corners of perception, I saw the two concepts of life and death, and they appeared simultaneously as two sides of the same coin. I remember thinking along the lines of "if I died now, it would not matter. in fact, the choice to live or die does not matter. it appears to me I will exist after death."
I have been an atheist all my life and no trip has ever impregnated me with such thoughts.
As these thoughts manifested, a profound fear overcame me: what if I kill myself by accident?
I violently tried to force vomit.
Big mistake.
Not only did I fail...
but upon failing, approaching me I sensed some kind of very evil "spirit" in female form. I don't know how better to describe her.
I don't remember anything about her appearance other
. that she was flying towards me from the center of my vision,
. he fact that she was female, or at least had a female face, I don't remember a body
. and she as very angry, with her mouth open, almost like a wild animal
It gives me chills every time I try to remember.
I felt her absorb into my body and immediately was overcome by a chaotic rage.
My movements became incredibly violent and mechanical. I smashed my head several times against the walls, flailed my arms, grabbed the empty chug of water, poured it on myself and fell on the ground. Involuntarily urinated and defecated on myself.
I had the feeling of observing myself from 3rd person and thinking
"he really fucked up this time didn't he? mr. psychedelic finally fucked himself. he's totally dead now... dead? Yup."
All concepts of my name and the world faded away like the skin of a snake.
I felt a feeling of ascending somewhere, a feeling of blackness, and the deepest sense of peace I had ever experienced.
I don't know for how long this lasted but all the incredible anxiety of the trip vanished for the time being.
I opened my eyes, and observed the great masterpiece I had performed in my pants.
The anxiety returned. I called some friends for help. This was roughly 4 hours after taking it
For the next 6 hours (until the morning), I babbled incoherently about what my friends described as "completely maniacal dialogue", mostly talk of dead and the humor behind it, which disturbed them thoroughly. I felt very childish and crazy.
Following a thorough change of clothes, I started meeting with a psychologist for about a month and he helped me integrate back into reality. For about a week following the trip, I could not get rid of that thought in my head that life and death are the same, because it was presented with such clarity to me there was no way I could discount it as false.
The way I dealt with that thought was simply eventually ignoring it. That trip was not a mission of self improvement or augmentation of awareness. It was just utter mania and confusion. I haven't tripped since.
EDIT: I'd like to add a final note, which is: I'd like to go back one day to the DMT experience, but I don't know what caused such a bad time (maybe the nausea started everything?), I've seen people go above 300, and months later am still terrified of touching even weak psychedelics. So I don't know what I could change in the future to prevent such an experience (other than dose), or if I can ever feel safe doing it again. Other drugs are no problem for some reason: MXE and strong stims are still enjoyed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I had a friend submit this report to me:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I wanted to share a difficult pharma experience from Feb. I didn't document it immediately, and I've never shared it before, so I don't recall it in all its "grandeur."
140lb (m), 300mg DMT-fumarate, 150mg harmaline, 100mg harmine, mixed 1 cup of water
I was feeling rather malnourished one evening. One hour after a small meal, a dark golbin seized me and coerced me into ingesting a large quantity of fumarates. For me a very strong trip manifests at 50mg DMT with MAO inhibition. The dosage was asinine. Previous high dose (100-120mg) experiments were very heavenly in nature, and I wanted to see how deep I could go.
At the time, I didn't have many cares or concerns, and was very comfortable in my private tripping environment.
I began to feel very lethargic, and tried to nap. Pharma tends to kick in very unpredictably for me. An hour later, I awoke in utter confusion and lay on the bed as a growing unpleasantness spread throughout my body. I felt very nauseous and unwell as my anxiety built.
Soon, I began to feel a very queer sensation, best described as a noticing a dualistic nature to everything I was observing. You know how a wire frame cube with no depth cues can be perceived as either pointing in or out? Well that's how every visible object felt to me. They kept oscillating back and forth and it was very confusing.
I changed positions, to a softer bed, and pulled the covers over my head, turning off the lights. The visual media intensified greatly, and I turned the lights back on in response. I shut my eyes. I chanted prepared phrases. I turned on music. I find the most relaxing music to be ambient dnb e.g. seba/alaska/alix perez, and instead of its normal soothing effect, this time it sounded cacophonic, alien, mechanical, and unnerved me further.
The dualistic madness persisted. It would be the same in intensity whether my eyes were open or not.
The anxiety culminated to astronomical levels. I stumbled across the room to grab a jug of distilled water and I drank hastily, spilling water everywhere.
Panicking, I ripped pages out of several books and wrote in marker "I love myself" on them. I collected the scraps and pressed them against myself and repeated the phrase as I lay feeling very helpless. This really helped temporarily but even non-stop repetition was insufficient.
I arose violently to drink more water, spilling more than half the container on myself. I banged my head against the wall.
Then, in the corners of perception, I saw the two concepts of life and death, and they appeared simultaneously as two sides of the same coin. I remember thinking along the lines of "if I died now, it would not matter. in fact, the choice to live or die does not matter. it appears to me I will exist after death."
I have been an atheist all my life and no trip has ever impregnated me with such thoughts.
As these thoughts manifested, a profound fear overcame me: what if I kill myself by accident?
I violently tried to force vomit.
Big mistake.
Not only did I fail...
but upon failing, approaching me I sensed some kind of very evil "spirit" in female form. I don't know how better to describe her.
I don't remember anything about her appearance other
. that she was flying towards me from the center of my vision,
. he fact that she was female, or at least had a female face, I don't remember a body
. and she as very angry, with her mouth open, almost like a wild animal
It gives me chills every time I try to remember.
I felt her absorb into my body and immediately was overcome by a chaotic rage.
My movements became incredibly violent and mechanical. I smashed my head several times against the walls, flailed my arms, grabbed the empty chug of water, poured it on myself and fell on the ground. Involuntarily urinated and defecated on myself.
I had the feeling of observing myself from 3rd person and thinking
"he really fucked up this time didn't he? mr. psychedelic finally fucked himself. he's totally dead now... dead? Yup."
All concepts of my name and the world faded away like the skin of a snake.
I felt a feeling of ascending somewhere, a feeling of blackness, and the deepest sense of peace I had ever experienced.
I don't know for how long this lasted but all the incredible anxiety of the trip vanished for the time being.
I opened my eyes, and observed the great masterpiece I had performed in my pants.
The anxiety returned. I called some friends for help. This was roughly 4 hours after taking it
For the next 6 hours (until the morning), I babbled incoherently about what my friends described as "completely maniacal dialogue", mostly talk of dead and the humor behind it, which disturbed them thoroughly. I felt very childish and crazy.
Following a thorough change of clothes, I started meeting with a psychologist for about a month and he helped me integrate back into reality. For about a week following the trip, I could not get rid of that thought in my head that life and death are the same, because it was presented with such clarity to me there was no way I could discount it as false.
The way I dealt with that thought was simply eventually ignoring it. That trip was not a mission of self improvement or augmentation of awareness. It was just utter mania and confusion. I haven't tripped since.
EDIT: I'd like to add a final note, which is: I'd like to go back one day to the DMT experience, but I don't know what caused such a bad time (maybe the nausea started everything?), I've seen people go above 300, and months later am still terrified of touching even weak psychedelics. So I don't know what I could change in the future to prevent such an experience (other than dose), or if I can ever feel safe doing it again. Other drugs are no problem for some reason: MXE and strong stims are still enjoyed.
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