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A confession and preparation

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918glory

918glory

Rising Star
First let me say I'm dearly sorry if this is in the wrong section.
Dear nexians

I'm going to talk about myself due to some realizations I've had the past few days. Bare with me as I'm not writing it all at once. But I'm going to make it a goal to finish it today.

Now first I need to say there's 2 sides to me. The side everyone knows, and the real me. Now the side I show tends to be a confident cocky fearless crazy (good kind haha) boy. But deep down I'm close to the polar opposite. Through meditation and some random songs bringing this out in me ( strange things from no turn unstoned by shpongle. To enter the ninja by die antwoord. Which in currently writing this to). I have realized I am in an extreme state of self sabotage. The past 18 years have been rough. Very rough. Parents divorce. Being picked on. Abused. 2 situations where I was about to be murdered for protecting someone who has destroyed her life. Though I kept my promises to her. 4 of my best friends dyin in the last 2 years alone. Every relationship I've been in has ended with me being lied to. Used. Cheated on. But. I've realize something

I love it. I love being treated like worthless shit. Excuse my language. I've been keeping my promises to people I make. Even when it eats me inside. This specific reason is why I started using psychedelics. To show me my purpose and hopefully show me how I'm worth more than I lead myself to believe. They have done a lot. At the same time making my feelings I've described in this post much more intense. I can feel a break coming very soon. I feel like the last 18 years have been preparing me for this. And it's coming.

It will be a new start. The me I'm meant to be. At the same time this is something I've feared for a long time. Only recently have I found out what I was so scared of. I'll be breaking a lot of promises I've spent years trying to keep. And I know that's going to be very hard for me. But I think I'm almost ready for it.

I've been asking protection from myself for so long. I realize now. I need protection to help me through this break. So i can come out on the other side the way I'm supposed to be. I've been letting the few people close to me know that something big is coming. Though I'm not exactly sure what that entails. But they all promised me they'll stay by my side no matter what happens.

I will repay them for this one day. Whatever it takes.

I've already proven I'm ready to give my life for someone who truly deserves protection and had true potential to be great.
And when I find someone who I know has that potential. I do everything I can. To change their mindset to show them what I believe is in them. No matter how hard it is to do this. Even at the expense of myself. The way i see it is as a sacrifice. One person to change the lives of many. Though many of them I've seen destroy themselves in the worst ways possible. This has taken a huge toll on me and is one of the main things leading up to this.

My dreams are to help though who never received it from anyone else. Who have been told they are nothing and will always be nothing. I want to prove there are still truly good people left in this world which is slowly falling apart. My hope is that if enough people see that there are good people. We can save what we have been workin for since the beginning of time.

My hope is that whatever happens with this so called break. Is that it will give me the protection I need from everyone else. The power and ability to make all these dreams come true. I've been working so hard to get to where I am now. And I hope that whatever I feel coming. Will make this all worth it. All of this possible.

Dear nexians. There comes a time when something big happens. It's impossible to know what or when.
This has been a confessional of sorts. Even just this is bringing me closer to what's about to come.

I thank you all for listening. Whether you all realize it or not. You all are helping me quite a bit. And again. I thank you all for this.
 
You seem to be in a good place to embark on this journey: aware of where you are at, aware of where you want to go and of the changes that need to happen along the way.

As we teavel our paths we end up with many entanglements of all types with people, careers, expectations from the rest of the world. And we want to make good on our promises- integrity is important, and comes from within, from our intentions.

But there are times when a break is needed. I had to close a business, let several employees go etc. about 17 years ago, despite what could have been seen as concrete obligations on my part. And had to "fire" a longtime friend of 20 years, a guy I've had a few great acid trips with, including that sense of eternal friendship... Well, he got strung out and morphed into such a toxic presence that I was left with no choice.

Part of having integrity is being true to yourself and your own needs. Seems like you have arrived at the threshold of big change. It may be far less traumatic than you fear. You know what you have to do.

Good luck... And welcome to the Nexus!
 
The advantage of having the nexus here, is you can be that real you, you can share your deepest feelings, your fears, your desires, your joy...

Everyone can know the real you, without you having to attach your body, or vessel, to these ideas.

You are free to be you. And take or leave advice as you please.

I really hope you find what you're looking for here.

I love you. :)
 
Sorry about not posting on this in a few days. Work has been hell man. Well I'm definitely not liking what has come out from within me the last few days. Now what you need to know is I'm diagnosed with a strage form of paranoid schizophrenia. If you don't know I'll sum it up from what I know regarding this is if your serotonin levels are high you are very functional. If they are low you are not functional and can even be comatose from it. What is strange about me is I can keep control over it but my levels fluxuate a lot. The past few days I havnt been able to contain it as well. Now this is both good and bad. Bad becuse of the obvious and good cause its releasing a lot. I've been usin salvia as a guide to help me with it and have had a lot of self realizations. I'm changing a lot about myself becuse of this. And from here on out I'll be attempting to incorporate the spice into my life much more. This is because just the topic started a relationship of being best friends with someone. We have a very symbiotic relationship and dice that point all I have learned from him and in turn taught his had made my life vastly improve and even reverse the schitzo slightly. I'm hoping I can due away with it all together or lock it up so far down that it will be scared of me instead of vice versa.

I'll try to regularly update every few days as to how this is coming along. I'm at work now so I can't type much but I have very important information regarding my dreams for later today. Thanks everyone for reading!
 
Psychedelics in general (and salvia and DMT in particular) are the absolute last things you should be doing with your diagnosis.

There are other paths to self-realization. please consider one that doesn't include the use of these compounds.
 
To be honest I've looked at others and few have truly helped me as well as psychedelics. Never have any of them had any negative effects, they've never caused a "bad" trip or made the diagnosis any more present than it has been when I was diagnosed 6 years ago. If anything they have truly helped me and it in many ways
 
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