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A Door Back To Myself

Migrated topic.

Beckoning Ear

Rising Star
Well, I'm new here at the Nexus. So, I'd like to introduce myself to the community and explain just how I've come to this place.


I'm 19 years old and live out on my own. Throughout the past year and a half after graduating high school, I had been on a gradual decline as far as my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health due to issues regarding family, loved ones, legal issues, and personal rage.

I was becoming an emaciated being on every level and developing psychological/physical addictions to alcohol and a few other substances. I was high and drunk, (not surprisingly, at the same time quite frequently) literally every day. I even drank at work at some points, sneaking a bottle of whiskey in and mixing it with my soda in the backroom.

Anyway, sob story and endless melodramatic bullshit fodder aside, let's fast forward.


I quit my job due to personal reasons and used what little I had left to search for a particular drug (not sure if it's ok for me to say this?) and take my mind off of things. Maybe it was destiny, or God, or the natural flow of things, but this failed.


The day after this failed expedition, I found myself partaking in Psilocybin. I had never before had an experience with this drug, and did not know what to expect. I did not educate myself on the subject, nor even identify the kind I was about to ingest.


I consumed them with my new best friend (the brother of a stripper I was sleeping with at the time) and went for a walk through the woods. Upon encountering the entrance to the trails, I began to feel a strange ecstasy.



My feet felt amazing as they hit the ground, as if they were lighting up at every touch. Trees began dancing in the sunlight as if some happy music was playing. Little fireflies and various insects (Which I'm not sure were even there) emerged from the grass and joined each other, flying in unison and harmony over the wavy grass.


The view from where I stood (called "Lookout Point"), laden with it's trees and hills, seemed to form a giant Earth-born turtle. A peaceful nature spirit exposing itself to me in the form of a colossal animal



The friends I had around me had to go home and so we parted ways. I went to a friends' house so that they could watch me in such a delicate state of mind. There was a party occurring here, and though the hallucinations had ceased, a relentless wave of memories and conflicts ranging from days beforehand to months and months ago vividly played themselves out in front of me.


I saw myself in fights with friends. I saw myself drinking and arguing and punching walls. I saw myself as I had truly acted from a view not of just my own eyes.


I realized I was unhappy. I was living a lie. I was not the person my parents had poured the love, values, and work into as a child. I was not someone I could reminisce about 10 years from the present and be proud to have been.




I was offered whippets and booze at this moment because I "was just coming down" and "it would make me feel better".


I rejected both of them.



After that day, the mindset of realizing that negativity is fathomless and wasteful stuck with me. I embraced love. I embraced forgiveness to those who I had inflicted guilt on, and apologized sincerely to a multitude of people who I had put walls up against before.


I let go of my pride and my anger. I dropped all bad habits and got rid of any material item pertaining to the support of them. I fixed a broken relationship with my mother. I signed up for college. I began setting goals for the future.



I was once again myself. Not changed, not different, not influenced or hypnotized by drugs. But I had found myself before the hardships of the world and the ignorance of my own humanity had anchored me down and clouded me, and I was one again. Not thanks to psilocybin. Thanks to myself, my work, and who I was. Psilocybin was just the door that lead me back to myself. The tool used to remove the heart-hardened goggles from my eyes.






I took a fascination in psychedelics and entheology, along with chemistry and philosophy.

I have a keen interest in DMT in particular. I have extensively looked up documented testimonies of the awesome power of DMT's experiences. To delve so deep into the cracks and crevices of oneself in ways invisible to the close-minded eye draws me in.



I know this- wherever my path takes me, I will forever have a love for the scientific and spiritual value of this amazing piece of nature.


And I am very excited for the day that I first embark on this journey.









(Sorry if this is poorly written. I'm fairly tired at the moment. Thanks for reading!) :)
 
An excellent, excellent example of the medicinal power of psychedelics. I too have been transformed in the wake of trips into my own mind. Not quite so dramatic as yours, to be sure, but enough that I feel like I exist in a new stage of my life, my personality, entirely. What I always try to remember is that psychedelics are merely the keys to the doors of our own psyche. Thes doors are difficult to find and pry open even in trances and other non-psychedelic experiences, but the power of entheogens is in their ability to expose rooms in our consciousness that we did not know existed. I hope you continue to use, enjoy, and benefit from the wonder of these baffling little molecules. Thanks for sharing!
 
Your story resonates with me as I totally can relate with using these tools to help bring myself back to me. In our fast paced competitive world I beleive it pulls us further from ourselves if we let it. I still remember the flood of emotion running through me not being able to hold back the tears when that moment hit me. I was watching percy jackson lightning thief on a high dose of mushies with my wife (she didn't know, she thought I was drunk) and when he was finally able to see and talk to his dad at the end I couldn't take it I had to go to the bathroom to let it out....many variables from the movie hit me all at once, mainly from having a poor relationship with my entering adulthood step-son to losing my father in a crucial time in my life due to alcoholism. This was the moment for me where I understood the power of these substances even after my experiences as an adolescent. Since then I have worked diligently to keep going with this and now have my wife on my side with my work as she sees my progress and feels it transcending onto her without even partaking with anything...no more disguising with booze...in fact I am pretty much doing without the booze nowadays.

Right now my step son is a huge concern as he is in a similar mindstate I was during my teens but without the drugs as far as we know and I can relate as everything anyone told me during that time went in one ear and out the other as I wanted to find out for my damn self...I guess its the path we need to take to find that door to our true self..albeit a difficult one... he knows I'm here for him thats all that matters.

Welcome to the nexus as you probably have already figured your in a place with like minded folk:)
 
welcome. Your report was written very well. I can totally relate to what you went through. psychedelics have had the same effect on me as far as getting me back to being me. Its amazing where you can go once you let go of your ego and negative energy weighing you down and let love into your life. I love reading positve reports like yours and hearing about people truly better themselves:d

Peace,
Skeemer
 
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