It is not a weakness to not kill yourself - on the contrary.

The fact that you have survived for so long shows what a strong person you are. I think the seed of that strength got planted the day you struggled for your life in the canal. Your story was beautifully written by the way. Riveting. Have you considered exploring that talent further? If you want to kill yourself, please don't do it today - you have many days left to decide if you really want to do it. In the meantime you could explore your writing talent for instance.

Hope to read more from you soon, godsmacker