First of all I'd like to compliment the staff and members on making this place a true home of knowledge. I've been lurking in the shadows (in more ways than one) for quite some time, but I would like to find a place here among like minded people. Forgive me as I tell my story which I've shared small parts of to some, but in full to no one.
This part of my journey started around six years ago, I was in my early twenties and had been married for about three years. I married young with all the youthful idealism you could imagine, strongly religious (Christian), wanting nothing but to be a good husband and someday a father. As a teenager I had dabbled with smoking cannabis, DXM, and of course alcohol. My mother was (and remains) a very strict Christian, but was always well intentioned. Needless to say any psychoactive material I used was a very deep secret, for fear of disappointment/trouble/etc. After marrying any thought of drug use was forgotten, marriage was bliss, it seemed life was perfect.
Fast forward two years i made friends with a newly hired coworker, this started a complete paradigm shift in my life. One day on the way home from work he handed me a joint, he must have caught me at the right moment because I obliged. The next time he offered I accepted again...now D. had smoked her share of cannabis in high school but like me left that all behind in favour of marriage and the church. I brought some home one day, and before you know it we were fast on our way to becoming potheads. It was such fun to be high with your soul mate, it felt like I was getting away with having my cake (wife, church life, respect from my peers) and eating it too (keeping my habit secret).
A few months later I found myself having many friends and acquaintances who were part of various facets of the "drug culture". I was shortly thereafter introduced to psilocybe cubensis...paradigm shift again. I quickly decided I would cultivate these magical organisms. As I became more and more successful at this venture I began to become increasingly focused on this pursuit and less diligent in respect to my marriage and church. (Now I know that many here may not understand fully when I speak of my church life, but it factors heavily into my story, and to be true to my story it can't be excluded so bear with me with an open mind). I was doing my best to keep my two separate lives from bleeding into one another, but I felt more like a hypocrite everyday. I found I enjoyed my hidden life, but dreaded the guilt and secrecy necessary to remain in good standing in my everyday life. My psilocybin tripps began to replace my Christian spiritual life, seeming more and more divine.
At this point (though I didn't see it) D. and I began to go down diverging paths. I continued selfishly along my haphazard course, dragging D. along behind me. She of course still had her dreams of a family, and wanted to go back to our life as it had been. Around this time I left the church, wanting to ease my guilt and pressure of living a double life. This was a huge decision, I mean it wasn't like a crazy cult or anything, but my mother, stepfather, many friends were there. It had been a dominant part of my life for 6 years. D. continued to attend without me. I lost my job about this time and really started to go into a downward spiral. I was depressed, felt worthless and without purpose. Soon the only happiness I felt came from a drug, and the sober times became increasingly excruciating. I felt intensely guilty for being a worthless husband, unemployed, and basically impotent in life.
One day I woke up and found a note from D. it said she was no longer happy, she missed the person I had been. She implored me to "come back to her", warning that she needed to see change in my life or she couldn't stay. Now my life had no meaning but for D. she was literally all I had left in the debris that was my life. I tried to keep up appearances and make real changes, but mostly failed. One night a few months after the warning letter, she went to a friend's for supper. After she didn't come home for several hours i was getting worried something had happened to her. I called and called. Finally she answered saying she needed a break and didn't know if she was coming home the next day. I asked if she was going to leave me or if there was someone else, she said no to both. I told her I was done with drugs once and for all.
When I got off the phone I immediately flushed or threw away all the cannabis, dmt, chemicals, mushy grow supplies, etc. I realized that when it came down to it she was all that mattered. What a fool I had been to trade what we had for this. Days then weeks went by and D avoided my calls, and wouldn't see me. I was borderline suicidal at this point and was left with a giant vacuum where my life had once existed. What remained?
My mother saw me walking down the street shortly after D had left me. I collapsed into tears as I told her what happened. Thank God she found me, because I don't think I'd be alive now otherwise. She took me in and treated me like I'd never done all I had. After months D still said she didn't trust me, but left hope for a reconciliation. I resumed going to my church and was welcomed back with open arms. Then I heard about the other men, and that she was currently staying with someone. To say I was crushed would be a gross understatement. I still would have gladly taken her back, marriage is for life. Well that never happened.
Around Christmas time that year I got some RCs that I'd used in the past, and began to get high in secret at my parents house. It was all legal I told myself, but really I was just hurting so bad I didn't know how to go on. The guilt and regret I felt fueled my need for escape. I simply could not accept the truth of my situation. I became addicted to MDPV for over a year, binging all day everyday yet somehow I kept my habit secret from my folks.
About a year a half ago I got a steady job at a shop run by a guy at my church. This was a real good turning point in my life, I had some purpose again even if it was just a simple job. At this point my MDPV addiction was causing serious paranoia and probably minor psychosis, though once again I managed to hide all this from everyone. It became clear I had to stop the MDPV or I would eventually have an episode I'd be unable to hide. So I went through the withdrawal silently trying to be normal.
Did I stop all drug use? No I continued to occasionally use RCs like 4 ACO-DMT, 2Cs, etc. But this time my drug use didn't spiral into abuse. I used only when it wouldn't interrupt my obligations. I was finally free again. Well if anyone actually read this monstrosity, we are now at the present time. I continue to dabble regularly, in full isolation and secrecy. Maybe I'm still not over D. even after 3+ years, I still live with the knowledge that I threw away our life together. Always wondering what could have been. But everyday gets a bit easier, and Im getting a promotion at work shortly.
Now that I've typed this all out I'm tempted to delete it all, but I felt I needed to share my story, the whole story just once, even if it was only here.
So in the past I had done some fairly large A to B extractions on MHRB with consistently respectable yields. Now that I feel I have my feet underneath me again I'd like to try a small extraction again to have some natural spice instead of synthetics. Though it seems that in my country MHRB is all but gone. So it seems like acacia confusa is a decent substitution. I'm looking forward to trying again, and in some humble way contribute to this community. Thanks for having me.
This part of my journey started around six years ago, I was in my early twenties and had been married for about three years. I married young with all the youthful idealism you could imagine, strongly religious (Christian), wanting nothing but to be a good husband and someday a father. As a teenager I had dabbled with smoking cannabis, DXM, and of course alcohol. My mother was (and remains) a very strict Christian, but was always well intentioned. Needless to say any psychoactive material I used was a very deep secret, for fear of disappointment/trouble/etc. After marrying any thought of drug use was forgotten, marriage was bliss, it seemed life was perfect.
Fast forward two years i made friends with a newly hired coworker, this started a complete paradigm shift in my life. One day on the way home from work he handed me a joint, he must have caught me at the right moment because I obliged. The next time he offered I accepted again...now D. had smoked her share of cannabis in high school but like me left that all behind in favour of marriage and the church. I brought some home one day, and before you know it we were fast on our way to becoming potheads. It was such fun to be high with your soul mate, it felt like I was getting away with having my cake (wife, church life, respect from my peers) and eating it too (keeping my habit secret).
A few months later I found myself having many friends and acquaintances who were part of various facets of the "drug culture". I was shortly thereafter introduced to psilocybe cubensis...paradigm shift again. I quickly decided I would cultivate these magical organisms. As I became more and more successful at this venture I began to become increasingly focused on this pursuit and less diligent in respect to my marriage and church. (Now I know that many here may not understand fully when I speak of my church life, but it factors heavily into my story, and to be true to my story it can't be excluded so bear with me with an open mind). I was doing my best to keep my two separate lives from bleeding into one another, but I felt more like a hypocrite everyday. I found I enjoyed my hidden life, but dreaded the guilt and secrecy necessary to remain in good standing in my everyday life. My psilocybin tripps began to replace my Christian spiritual life, seeming more and more divine.
At this point (though I didn't see it) D. and I began to go down diverging paths. I continued selfishly along my haphazard course, dragging D. along behind me. She of course still had her dreams of a family, and wanted to go back to our life as it had been. Around this time I left the church, wanting to ease my guilt and pressure of living a double life. This was a huge decision, I mean it wasn't like a crazy cult or anything, but my mother, stepfather, many friends were there. It had been a dominant part of my life for 6 years. D. continued to attend without me. I lost my job about this time and really started to go into a downward spiral. I was depressed, felt worthless and without purpose. Soon the only happiness I felt came from a drug, and the sober times became increasingly excruciating. I felt intensely guilty for being a worthless husband, unemployed, and basically impotent in life.
One day I woke up and found a note from D. it said she was no longer happy, she missed the person I had been. She implored me to "come back to her", warning that she needed to see change in my life or she couldn't stay. Now my life had no meaning but for D. she was literally all I had left in the debris that was my life. I tried to keep up appearances and make real changes, but mostly failed. One night a few months after the warning letter, she went to a friend's for supper. After she didn't come home for several hours i was getting worried something had happened to her. I called and called. Finally she answered saying she needed a break and didn't know if she was coming home the next day. I asked if she was going to leave me or if there was someone else, she said no to both. I told her I was done with drugs once and for all.
When I got off the phone I immediately flushed or threw away all the cannabis, dmt, chemicals, mushy grow supplies, etc. I realized that when it came down to it she was all that mattered. What a fool I had been to trade what we had for this. Days then weeks went by and D avoided my calls, and wouldn't see me. I was borderline suicidal at this point and was left with a giant vacuum where my life had once existed. What remained?
My mother saw me walking down the street shortly after D had left me. I collapsed into tears as I told her what happened. Thank God she found me, because I don't think I'd be alive now otherwise. She took me in and treated me like I'd never done all I had. After months D still said she didn't trust me, but left hope for a reconciliation. I resumed going to my church and was welcomed back with open arms. Then I heard about the other men, and that she was currently staying with someone. To say I was crushed would be a gross understatement. I still would have gladly taken her back, marriage is for life. Well that never happened.
Around Christmas time that year I got some RCs that I'd used in the past, and began to get high in secret at my parents house. It was all legal I told myself, but really I was just hurting so bad I didn't know how to go on. The guilt and regret I felt fueled my need for escape. I simply could not accept the truth of my situation. I became addicted to MDPV for over a year, binging all day everyday yet somehow I kept my habit secret from my folks.
About a year a half ago I got a steady job at a shop run by a guy at my church. This was a real good turning point in my life, I had some purpose again even if it was just a simple job. At this point my MDPV addiction was causing serious paranoia and probably minor psychosis, though once again I managed to hide all this from everyone. It became clear I had to stop the MDPV or I would eventually have an episode I'd be unable to hide. So I went through the withdrawal silently trying to be normal.
Did I stop all drug use? No I continued to occasionally use RCs like 4 ACO-DMT, 2Cs, etc. But this time my drug use didn't spiral into abuse. I used only when it wouldn't interrupt my obligations. I was finally free again. Well if anyone actually read this monstrosity, we are now at the present time. I continue to dabble regularly, in full isolation and secrecy. Maybe I'm still not over D. even after 3+ years, I still live with the knowledge that I threw away our life together. Always wondering what could have been. But everyday gets a bit easier, and Im getting a promotion at work shortly.
Now that I've typed this all out I'm tempted to delete it all, but I felt I needed to share my story, the whole story just once, even if it was only here.
So in the past I had done some fairly large A to B extractions on MHRB with consistently respectable yields. Now that I feel I have my feet underneath me again I'd like to try a small extraction again to have some natural spice instead of synthetics. Though it seems that in my country MHRB is all but gone. So it seems like acacia confusa is a decent substitution. I'm looking forward to trying again, and in some humble way contribute to this community. Thanks for having me.
