Blend:
.5g DMT
.15g Rue Harmalas
.3g Raspberry Leaf
.2g Calendula
.1g Blue Lotus
50mg material contains 20mg DMT and 6mg Harmalas
Setting:
Laying down in the living room with a blackout eye mask, Malte Marten playing, and my wife sitting as my guide/assistant.
Set:
Gratitude and excitement. We'd planned to do this all weekend but tonight was the first night it worked out. I've experienced a good deal of pure dmt, though only one breakthough (deserves it's own report, was a jump scare hyperslap shortly after halloween that left me gun shy) and this is my first serious session in the 3 or so months since. I've previous tried a pen vape after sublingual harmalas and was excited to finally try changa itself.
Prelude:
I got everything together and weighed a few doses. Got the music and lighting set. At my wife's suggestion I went outside and made an offering of tobacco and corn meal from my medicine pouch to the red maple that overlooks our house. Came back inside and did a light yoga session that she led me through to ground myself. She then smudged me with some palo santo and I said a little prayer to God and the medicine, thanking them for the opportunity and the experience I was about to receive humbly with ease and grace.
First round:
30mg of material. Intentionally started low because a) I knew I was going to do more and b) just in case. I was still anxious from the last time. It tasted awful. Idk if I burned it wrong or if I just need to work on the blend but I was expecting something more pleasant.
I didn't hold it in as long as I planned to. As I exhaled I was met with the familiar pattern wall. There was a central feminine entity "holding" up the pattern trying to keep my attention focused there. I quickly noticed in the periphery there were multiple other scenes of activity and I felt a rush of interest and engagement. I later explained to my wife that it reminded me of the excitement of our children when I return home after being gone and they are so glad to see me. It was like they were all saying "He's back! Oh goody!" And I felt an excitement, like they wanted me to go deeper. I immediately felt a pang of nervousness, like I suspected they just wanted to jumpscare me again but I relaxed into feeling their excitement while also noticing the other entities that were present but hung back in the pattern rather than meeting me at the wall.
That faded rather quickly, and within about five minutes I was talking to my wife. One of the last things I felt before coming back was this mournful excitement about being able to see with my eyes closed. I started to cry and realized I had been spending so much time since discovering I have aphantasia looking for ways to develop visualization or at the least discover some hidden gift that was possible because I wasnt able to visualize.
In relating this to my wife I began to cry even harder, realizing that what I needed was to mourn that I am unable to visualize. To feel that emotion and let it through. So I cried about not being able to see her face, or remember what my mother looked like, or be able to visualize my children's faces. I cried for a minute or so until it subsided, and then I expressed gratitude for living in a time where I have access to countless photos in my pocket at all times. And I was ready for the next dose.
Second round:
This time was 40mg of material. I also held it for much longer. I handed my wife the pipe and laid back. As I exhaled my closed eyes were flooded with a feminine presence enveloping me in a flowing pattern. Like she was draping me in love and comfort. I am realizing typing this that I don't have great descriptions for the character of the visuals. Maybe it's a lack of vocabulary related to the aphantasia? But it was like a flowing crosshatched tapestry of symbols and patterns with dark toned but rainbow hued colors.
Anyway, this went on for about 5 minutes. And then suddenly I began crying again. It escalated into a somatic release, primarily my legs shaking but also my hands. I didn't really have a strong understanding as to why in the moment, I just let it happen. I also oscillated between crying and laughing. The total time for this round was abiut 13 minutes.
In talking about it after it all subsided, I connected it to my experience as an infant. My mother loved me but she also had a high powered career that took her away from me often. I realized that I was feeling that enveloping maternal warmth and also realizing I didnt have that as consistently as a child needs it.
The crying was mourning that. The laughing was realizing that a part of me was playing devil's advocate, like it could have been worse, and attempting to minimize. And ultimately I let myself feel all of it, because what I've done in the past is allow that conflict of emotion to cause me to just stop feeling, which has kept it all trapped.
Third round:
I coached my wife through weighing out another 40mg. I held the pipe to my heart and took three deep breaths before proceeding to inhale what I could.
This time as I exhaled the pattern was back but it wasnt a singular feminine pattern. It is hard to describe, but it's primary form was like an upside down T that kept unfolding outwards and down but with a circular secondary form that flowed from it. It had brighter colors this time and more of a neutral sense to it.
The pattern continued to unfold for a bit then it seemed to explode into a twin presence that reminded me of the entities that jump scared me in my breakthrough experience. I suddenly felt embarassed like I wasn't supposed to be here and I'd made a mistake. But there wasn't the same laughter and "ha, we got him!" energy that there was in the jump scare, and I quickly realized that it wasn't them telling me I shouldn't be here. It was coming from within me.
As far as I can tell, she never told me maliciously, or as a way to manipulate me, but my mother told me on a few occasions when I was young that she had multiple miscarriages before I was born, and that she almost gave up hope of having a child. So I internalized either she would have had another child instead of me, or just stopped trying and I shouldn't be here.
And then there's my suicide attempt. I still don't know how I survived. I remember being revived in the hospital. There's also a lot of things about that night that are just off in the sense that they don't make sense outside of the lens of the universe conspiring to keep me alive.
Between those two things I was hit with, I shouldn't be here. And my response was "Yes I should." And I held myself. And I whispered to my inner child that I do belong here. And that no, I don't know why or what for or if I'll ever really know but that that's okay. And I've got you (me). And it was a really beautiful moment of self affirmation. My inner child self responded well and the experience subsided.
Third and a half round:
I knew there was some left in the pipe so I asked for it. The way my wife moved in that space and supported me was so graceful and felt perfect despite this being her first time to ever do this for anyone.
As I took that last hit I realized I don't have a name for this part of her, so I made my intention for that dive to be to discover it. It came almost immediately. The experience wasn't very deep, it didn't even have a full pattern wall. Just some CEVs and a blissful feeling.
I came back and told her the name I found for her and she accepted it lovingly.
After:
We talked as she massaged my head and hands. We talked about a few different things. Some about how I'd do it differently next time. I spent more time sitting with the emotional content of each round. Next time I'd like to trying redosing as soon as I come up for air rather than letting it all trail off like I did.
I also talked about how rue and caapi harmalas are different and how I'm excited to try a caapi blend to compare. I also remarked about how interesting it was that I've heard rue called a darker experience compared to caapi and maybe it was a result of that priming but my experience tonight was one of shadow work.
But mostly we talked about how blessed we are to be embodied and ensouled in such a wonderful time that we have access to these medicines and the comforts and luxuries we enjoy. And more importantly how blessed we are to have each other and for all the intentionality we put into improving ourselves and our relationship. It was a beautiful reflection to conclude a mournful but powerful experience.
Thank you to everyone in this community who has contributed to making this the place that it is. There's a lot about tonight that was my doing, but I wouldn't have had the knowledge to craft the medicine if it weren't for y'all.
.5g DMT
.15g Rue Harmalas
.3g Raspberry Leaf
.2g Calendula
.1g Blue Lotus
50mg material contains 20mg DMT and 6mg Harmalas
Setting:
Laying down in the living room with a blackout eye mask, Malte Marten playing, and my wife sitting as my guide/assistant.
Set:
Gratitude and excitement. We'd planned to do this all weekend but tonight was the first night it worked out. I've experienced a good deal of pure dmt, though only one breakthough (deserves it's own report, was a jump scare hyperslap shortly after halloween that left me gun shy) and this is my first serious session in the 3 or so months since. I've previous tried a pen vape after sublingual harmalas and was excited to finally try changa itself.
Prelude:
I got everything together and weighed a few doses. Got the music and lighting set. At my wife's suggestion I went outside and made an offering of tobacco and corn meal from my medicine pouch to the red maple that overlooks our house. Came back inside and did a light yoga session that she led me through to ground myself. She then smudged me with some palo santo and I said a little prayer to God and the medicine, thanking them for the opportunity and the experience I was about to receive humbly with ease and grace.
First round:
30mg of material. Intentionally started low because a) I knew I was going to do more and b) just in case. I was still anxious from the last time. It tasted awful. Idk if I burned it wrong or if I just need to work on the blend but I was expecting something more pleasant.
I didn't hold it in as long as I planned to. As I exhaled I was met with the familiar pattern wall. There was a central feminine entity "holding" up the pattern trying to keep my attention focused there. I quickly noticed in the periphery there were multiple other scenes of activity and I felt a rush of interest and engagement. I later explained to my wife that it reminded me of the excitement of our children when I return home after being gone and they are so glad to see me. It was like they were all saying "He's back! Oh goody!" And I felt an excitement, like they wanted me to go deeper. I immediately felt a pang of nervousness, like I suspected they just wanted to jumpscare me again but I relaxed into feeling their excitement while also noticing the other entities that were present but hung back in the pattern rather than meeting me at the wall.
That faded rather quickly, and within about five minutes I was talking to my wife. One of the last things I felt before coming back was this mournful excitement about being able to see with my eyes closed. I started to cry and realized I had been spending so much time since discovering I have aphantasia looking for ways to develop visualization or at the least discover some hidden gift that was possible because I wasnt able to visualize.
In relating this to my wife I began to cry even harder, realizing that what I needed was to mourn that I am unable to visualize. To feel that emotion and let it through. So I cried about not being able to see her face, or remember what my mother looked like, or be able to visualize my children's faces. I cried for a minute or so until it subsided, and then I expressed gratitude for living in a time where I have access to countless photos in my pocket at all times. And I was ready for the next dose.
Second round:
This time was 40mg of material. I also held it for much longer. I handed my wife the pipe and laid back. As I exhaled my closed eyes were flooded with a feminine presence enveloping me in a flowing pattern. Like she was draping me in love and comfort. I am realizing typing this that I don't have great descriptions for the character of the visuals. Maybe it's a lack of vocabulary related to the aphantasia? But it was like a flowing crosshatched tapestry of symbols and patterns with dark toned but rainbow hued colors.
Anyway, this went on for about 5 minutes. And then suddenly I began crying again. It escalated into a somatic release, primarily my legs shaking but also my hands. I didn't really have a strong understanding as to why in the moment, I just let it happen. I also oscillated between crying and laughing. The total time for this round was abiut 13 minutes.
In talking about it after it all subsided, I connected it to my experience as an infant. My mother loved me but she also had a high powered career that took her away from me often. I realized that I was feeling that enveloping maternal warmth and also realizing I didnt have that as consistently as a child needs it.
The crying was mourning that. The laughing was realizing that a part of me was playing devil's advocate, like it could have been worse, and attempting to minimize. And ultimately I let myself feel all of it, because what I've done in the past is allow that conflict of emotion to cause me to just stop feeling, which has kept it all trapped.
Third round:
I coached my wife through weighing out another 40mg. I held the pipe to my heart and took three deep breaths before proceeding to inhale what I could.
This time as I exhaled the pattern was back but it wasnt a singular feminine pattern. It is hard to describe, but it's primary form was like an upside down T that kept unfolding outwards and down but with a circular secondary form that flowed from it. It had brighter colors this time and more of a neutral sense to it.
The pattern continued to unfold for a bit then it seemed to explode into a twin presence that reminded me of the entities that jump scared me in my breakthrough experience. I suddenly felt embarassed like I wasn't supposed to be here and I'd made a mistake. But there wasn't the same laughter and "ha, we got him!" energy that there was in the jump scare, and I quickly realized that it wasn't them telling me I shouldn't be here. It was coming from within me.
As far as I can tell, she never told me maliciously, or as a way to manipulate me, but my mother told me on a few occasions when I was young that she had multiple miscarriages before I was born, and that she almost gave up hope of having a child. So I internalized either she would have had another child instead of me, or just stopped trying and I shouldn't be here.
And then there's my suicide attempt. I still don't know how I survived. I remember being revived in the hospital. There's also a lot of things about that night that are just off in the sense that they don't make sense outside of the lens of the universe conspiring to keep me alive.
Between those two things I was hit with, I shouldn't be here. And my response was "Yes I should." And I held myself. And I whispered to my inner child that I do belong here. And that no, I don't know why or what for or if I'll ever really know but that that's okay. And I've got you (me). And it was a really beautiful moment of self affirmation. My inner child self responded well and the experience subsided.
Third and a half round:
I knew there was some left in the pipe so I asked for it. The way my wife moved in that space and supported me was so graceful and felt perfect despite this being her first time to ever do this for anyone.
As I took that last hit I realized I don't have a name for this part of her, so I made my intention for that dive to be to discover it. It came almost immediately. The experience wasn't very deep, it didn't even have a full pattern wall. Just some CEVs and a blissful feeling.
I came back and told her the name I found for her and she accepted it lovingly.
After:
We talked as she massaged my head and hands. We talked about a few different things. Some about how I'd do it differently next time. I spent more time sitting with the emotional content of each round. Next time I'd like to trying redosing as soon as I come up for air rather than letting it all trail off like I did.
I also talked about how rue and caapi harmalas are different and how I'm excited to try a caapi blend to compare. I also remarked about how interesting it was that I've heard rue called a darker experience compared to caapi and maybe it was a result of that priming but my experience tonight was one of shadow work.
But mostly we talked about how blessed we are to be embodied and ensouled in such a wonderful time that we have access to these medicines and the comforts and luxuries we enjoy. And more importantly how blessed we are to have each other and for all the intentionality we put into improving ourselves and our relationship. It was a beautiful reflection to conclude a mournful but powerful experience.
Thank you to everyone in this community who has contributed to making this the place that it is. There's a lot about tonight that was my doing, but I wouldn't have had the knowledge to craft the medicine if it weren't for y'all.
