Hey everybody! I posted a measly little introduction essay a few days ago, and I just want to more formally introduce myself with a bit of background about my journeys, and a trip report.
So, I began experimenting with psychedelics a little over a year ago. I really had no idea what I was in for at the time, but my first journey profoundly changed the course of my life. Since this “initiatory” experience, I’ve experimented with a decent range of chemicals and plants. By no means would I consider myself a seasoned psychonaut, particularly when compared to a lot of the nexians here, though my interest in exploring consciousness is very deep.
Sadly, I’m not surrounded by the type of people who appreciate this sort of thing. Many of my friends don’t see the potential of the psychedelic experience aside from the recreational aspects of it. The one or two friends I have who are interested in psychedelic exploration as an outlet for personal/spiritual development have yet to really experience ego-death/transcendence to other dimensions, etc….(They're increasingly paranoid about trying higher doses, and as a result they’ve really only experienced threshold psychedelic effects)
So anyways, I haven’t had anyone to really share my experiences with (with the exception of one good friend, who’s an avid explorer). I’ve loved lurking on the nexus and reading about people’s experiences; they’ve helped me integrate my own journeys immensely. The nexus is a community that I’ve felt I’ve been a part of long before I recently registered--you guys have helped me through a lot, both in my personal experiences and in the context of extractions/growing, etc…
So now I want to take the time to share my first experience with you all. Not that my experience is anything new, but you are some of the few people who I can connect with on this level without being called a spunyan. Your average westerner does not understand the implications of what one experiences during a psychedelic journey, and it can be frustrating when you want to share with them. “Dude you were just on a bunch of drugs”….
Well, needless to say, it means a lot to me that this community is here for me to share my experiences with.
Alright, so it’s September or October of 2011. Me and my good friend (who I’ll call Z) have acquired 3.5 grams of mushrooms. Neither of us have ever tripped, and we aren’t familiar with psychedelic culture or anything. Essentially, we’re pretty ignorant.
So we split the eighth, each eating 1.75 grams. (Now keep in mind, I’m a light guy--weighing in at about 115, and this was first trip.) Z and I share a room, so we figured we would spend the come-up in our room listening to some music, smoking some grass.
A lot of the details are foggy, since it’s been over a year now, but I remember the come-up being pretty fast. Because I didn’t know what to look for, I wasn’t aware that the effects were starting to kick in. But about 30 minutes after ingesting the mushrooms, I was ranting about materialism and nature. It suddenly struck me that human beings are not separate from nature, but an integral part of it. I remember saying that “there’s no good reason we’re not outside collecting food, naked, right now!” “We’re obsessed with our concepts, they aren’t even real! Humans have taken a game of house way too seriously and ruined the rest of the world!”
It was around here (about an hour after ingestion) that things started to get weird, and I was very aware that I was tripping. As I was talking, I felt the words slipping away from me. I recognized language as a concept that will never fill in for the meaning of what I’m trying to say or ‘transmit’. I felt useless, what good was I if I couldn’t communicate my ideas? I decided to try not to go too deep into my own head, so me and Z changed up the music, smoked a little more grass, and felt content watching some cool visuals for a bit.
Inevitably, the visuals became increasingly more intense. I remember I was laying on my bed watching the wood-grain in my floor. I was blown away by the complexity of what I was seeing. I had been expecting psychedelic visuals to just be bright colors with everything dancing around and melting. I was not expecting the visuals to be so real. I realized that what I was seeing was an objectified reality. In my own floor I could see the entire universe unfolding, from the microcosm to the macro. I stared at the floor more intensely, trying to comprehend what I was perceiving.
As I stared deeper and deeper into the woodgrain, I suddenly felt myself float forward into the fractal infinity that was my floor. I felt my awareness extend to the entire room. I remember trying to look around to see if I could move in this OOB state. I found that I could move, and that I was seeing everything in it’s entirety. I saw everything around exactly as it is, in all of it’s dimensions. I could see the ‘essence’ of the chair, of the lamp, of everything. The best way to describe this aspect of the trip would be to say that it felt like I was a kid (or maybe an alien from another dimension) looking at the world through unconditioned eyes. It was like direct apprehension of reality, without social conditioning. The experience was totally beyond language, but it was absolutely beautiful. There are infinite processes and connections and transmissions of information happening everywhere right now. I remember looking at my friend and thinking I was him. I could see what he was seeing at the same time I was seeing what I was seeing, and on top of that I was seeing everything in the room from every possible vantage point in space/time. It was intense to say the least.
I thought this was as intense as the experience was going to get, but I hadn’t even peaked yet. I laid back in bed and decided to see what the closed eye experience was all about. I found it difficult at first to sink into ego-death (at the time I didn’t know that’s what I was experiencing). I kept seeing faces of people of I knew, but they looked alien to me. I realized how insectoid and strange people really look, and how we’re just aliens babbling strange guttural noises out of our throats while we float through space on some moldy rock. The faces were talking to me, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. It was like I was hearing a language being spoken in a dimension that’s not vocal, if that makes sense. In all honesty I thought I was going insane. I kept seeing these faces fly in and babble, and my thoughts were racing but unidentifiable. I remember I kept asking why, why, why? Every thought I had turned into an exponential amount of new thoughts and questions. I felt like my brain was going to overheat, or something would snap and I’d end up permanently insane. Everything was getting faster and faster. It felt like I was thinking everything that could be thought, or has ever been thought, at the same time.
Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I died.
I had been afraid of dying, and I knew that sometimes people who tripped think they have died. My instinctual reaction was to tell myself I’m on mushrooms and sometimes this happens, that I’m not dead and I’ll be okay. But I knew I was dead, beyond a shadow of a doubt. At first I was scared--what am I going to do? I can’t be dead, there’s no reason for me to be dead. How long would I be dead for? The fear was beginning to consume me and I could feel this immense pressure on my temples and forehead (ironically right where the 3rd eye/pineal gland is supposed to be). I could hear this buzzing getting louder and louder, increasing frequency (kind of similar to just before a DMT breakthrough). The noise became so loud and so intense I could hardly stand it, and then I was there.
Suddenly I was at the “frequency of the universe”. The buzzing became everything. Time and space collapsed and became infinite. I was experiencing the past, the present, and the future all at once. It was as if I was experiencing everything that has ever happened or will happen from the perspective of everything, all at once. And then I realized that’s what the present moment is--infinity, a reflection of the great cosmic mirror. I realized that in each moment there is an infinite amount of possibilities, it’s all about just being aware and fully engrossing yourself in the present moment. I realized that this is what every religion has been trying to say at the root. God is not a man in the clouds, and God is not something “out there” that we need to chase or prove something to. God is the reality that we exist in. There is no great duality, or “other place” you go--it’s all right here and it always has been! God is the magic of life, that is in all things. God is the mindfuck that is our universe. Anyone has the potential to “tune in” to God, it just requires careful attention to the present moment, which is all we have and all we are. The past and the future are just concepts, and I realized that our Western culture is obsessed with one or the other--there’s no grounding, no connection to the here and now that we actually exist in. I felt my awareness extend to the entire cosmos--God is inside of us all. We all have the potential to harness that great radiating awareness.
My peak lasted for about 2 hours, during which I was in euphoria, in bliss. I spent those 2 hours being one with the universe, and exploring different dimensions of being and perception. There’s so much I learned and so much I want to say--but there’s only so much space to write and only so much I can put into words. The comedown was gentle, and I spent most of it in quiet contemplation.
Needless to say, this was one of the most important events of my life to date; and I’m not ashamed to say so. I was NOT a religious or spiritual person at all when I went through this. Now, my spiritually is an essential part of my life. I spent a few days after the trip trying to integrate the experience. Does this normally happen...is this what tripping is? It felt like I had discovered the greatest secret of all time and it was some kind of strange freak accident. But one does not speak to God purely by accident.
I started doing some research, and lo and behold--people have been having this experience since as long as there’s been people. In fact, I had been taught about it in school when I learned about eastern traditions and enlightenment. It really blows my mind that I had absolutely no prior knowledge of the psychedelic or mystical experience and I was very close minded to spiritual thinking, and then I had a very real experience which turns out to be universal and integral to the religious experience. I had no idea so many people went through exactly what I did.
I genuinely believe that this phenomena is of paramount importance to the human condition. This experience is absolutely life changing to anyone who ‘apprehends’ it. It’s been written about and documented throughout human history and it’s a shame that our society has completely devalued it. To anyone reading this who might be skeptical (although if you’re on the Nexus I’m assuming you’re pretty cool to begin with), or who has not had this life changing experience, don’t be so quick to judge. Do some research, learn about it. But most importantly, find out for yourself before you form an opinion. It’s not something that can just be read about or learned about--it is beyond our capacity as humans to communicate. It is more than a ‘cool thought’ or a nice little philosophical insight--it redefines you as a human being, it is earth shattering. The experience immerses you and throws the truth in your face, and there’s no escaping the truth.
And I mean, really think about it. All of the impossible unanswerable questions you asked yourself as a kid when you couldn't sleep, there has to be some kind of answer, right? Regardless of whether you're religious or an atheist, we are all experiencing something big that's beyond our comprehension; and it's called the universe. To claim that we know everything about reality is completely foolish, and regardless of your personal beliefs, if you want to dig into the meat of it, into exactly whatever reality is, you're gonna get into some weird shit.
Since this experience, I’ve experimented with higher and lower doses of all sorts of compounds and I meditate daily. I’ve had many profound experiences since, all of which have changed my perspective and forced me to learn in some way, yet none quite as profound as my first taste of the Universe.
I thank anyone who took the time to read that whole thing, and I thank this community at large for encouraging my journeys and my immense personal growth through proper utilization of these precious substances.
So, I began experimenting with psychedelics a little over a year ago. I really had no idea what I was in for at the time, but my first journey profoundly changed the course of my life. Since this “initiatory” experience, I’ve experimented with a decent range of chemicals and plants. By no means would I consider myself a seasoned psychonaut, particularly when compared to a lot of the nexians here, though my interest in exploring consciousness is very deep.
Sadly, I’m not surrounded by the type of people who appreciate this sort of thing. Many of my friends don’t see the potential of the psychedelic experience aside from the recreational aspects of it. The one or two friends I have who are interested in psychedelic exploration as an outlet for personal/spiritual development have yet to really experience ego-death/transcendence to other dimensions, etc….(They're increasingly paranoid about trying higher doses, and as a result they’ve really only experienced threshold psychedelic effects)
So anyways, I haven’t had anyone to really share my experiences with (with the exception of one good friend, who’s an avid explorer). I’ve loved lurking on the nexus and reading about people’s experiences; they’ve helped me integrate my own journeys immensely. The nexus is a community that I’ve felt I’ve been a part of long before I recently registered--you guys have helped me through a lot, both in my personal experiences and in the context of extractions/growing, etc…
So now I want to take the time to share my first experience with you all. Not that my experience is anything new, but you are some of the few people who I can connect with on this level without being called a spunyan. Your average westerner does not understand the implications of what one experiences during a psychedelic journey, and it can be frustrating when you want to share with them. “Dude you were just on a bunch of drugs”….
Well, needless to say, it means a lot to me that this community is here for me to share my experiences with.
Alright, so it’s September or October of 2011. Me and my good friend (who I’ll call Z) have acquired 3.5 grams of mushrooms. Neither of us have ever tripped, and we aren’t familiar with psychedelic culture or anything. Essentially, we’re pretty ignorant.
So we split the eighth, each eating 1.75 grams. (Now keep in mind, I’m a light guy--weighing in at about 115, and this was first trip.) Z and I share a room, so we figured we would spend the come-up in our room listening to some music, smoking some grass.
A lot of the details are foggy, since it’s been over a year now, but I remember the come-up being pretty fast. Because I didn’t know what to look for, I wasn’t aware that the effects were starting to kick in. But about 30 minutes after ingesting the mushrooms, I was ranting about materialism and nature. It suddenly struck me that human beings are not separate from nature, but an integral part of it. I remember saying that “there’s no good reason we’re not outside collecting food, naked, right now!” “We’re obsessed with our concepts, they aren’t even real! Humans have taken a game of house way too seriously and ruined the rest of the world!”
It was around here (about an hour after ingestion) that things started to get weird, and I was very aware that I was tripping. As I was talking, I felt the words slipping away from me. I recognized language as a concept that will never fill in for the meaning of what I’m trying to say or ‘transmit’. I felt useless, what good was I if I couldn’t communicate my ideas? I decided to try not to go too deep into my own head, so me and Z changed up the music, smoked a little more grass, and felt content watching some cool visuals for a bit.
Inevitably, the visuals became increasingly more intense. I remember I was laying on my bed watching the wood-grain in my floor. I was blown away by the complexity of what I was seeing. I had been expecting psychedelic visuals to just be bright colors with everything dancing around and melting. I was not expecting the visuals to be so real. I realized that what I was seeing was an objectified reality. In my own floor I could see the entire universe unfolding, from the microcosm to the macro. I stared at the floor more intensely, trying to comprehend what I was perceiving.
As I stared deeper and deeper into the woodgrain, I suddenly felt myself float forward into the fractal infinity that was my floor. I felt my awareness extend to the entire room. I remember trying to look around to see if I could move in this OOB state. I found that I could move, and that I was seeing everything in it’s entirety. I saw everything around exactly as it is, in all of it’s dimensions. I could see the ‘essence’ of the chair, of the lamp, of everything. The best way to describe this aspect of the trip would be to say that it felt like I was a kid (or maybe an alien from another dimension) looking at the world through unconditioned eyes. It was like direct apprehension of reality, without social conditioning. The experience was totally beyond language, but it was absolutely beautiful. There are infinite processes and connections and transmissions of information happening everywhere right now. I remember looking at my friend and thinking I was him. I could see what he was seeing at the same time I was seeing what I was seeing, and on top of that I was seeing everything in the room from every possible vantage point in space/time. It was intense to say the least.
I thought this was as intense as the experience was going to get, but I hadn’t even peaked yet. I laid back in bed and decided to see what the closed eye experience was all about. I found it difficult at first to sink into ego-death (at the time I didn’t know that’s what I was experiencing). I kept seeing faces of people of I knew, but they looked alien to me. I realized how insectoid and strange people really look, and how we’re just aliens babbling strange guttural noises out of our throats while we float through space on some moldy rock. The faces were talking to me, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. It was like I was hearing a language being spoken in a dimension that’s not vocal, if that makes sense. In all honesty I thought I was going insane. I kept seeing these faces fly in and babble, and my thoughts were racing but unidentifiable. I remember I kept asking why, why, why? Every thought I had turned into an exponential amount of new thoughts and questions. I felt like my brain was going to overheat, or something would snap and I’d end up permanently insane. Everything was getting faster and faster. It felt like I was thinking everything that could be thought, or has ever been thought, at the same time.
Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I died.
I had been afraid of dying, and I knew that sometimes people who tripped think they have died. My instinctual reaction was to tell myself I’m on mushrooms and sometimes this happens, that I’m not dead and I’ll be okay. But I knew I was dead, beyond a shadow of a doubt. At first I was scared--what am I going to do? I can’t be dead, there’s no reason for me to be dead. How long would I be dead for? The fear was beginning to consume me and I could feel this immense pressure on my temples and forehead (ironically right where the 3rd eye/pineal gland is supposed to be). I could hear this buzzing getting louder and louder, increasing frequency (kind of similar to just before a DMT breakthrough). The noise became so loud and so intense I could hardly stand it, and then I was there.
Suddenly I was at the “frequency of the universe”. The buzzing became everything. Time and space collapsed and became infinite. I was experiencing the past, the present, and the future all at once. It was as if I was experiencing everything that has ever happened or will happen from the perspective of everything, all at once. And then I realized that’s what the present moment is--infinity, a reflection of the great cosmic mirror. I realized that in each moment there is an infinite amount of possibilities, it’s all about just being aware and fully engrossing yourself in the present moment. I realized that this is what every religion has been trying to say at the root. God is not a man in the clouds, and God is not something “out there” that we need to chase or prove something to. God is the reality that we exist in. There is no great duality, or “other place” you go--it’s all right here and it always has been! God is the magic of life, that is in all things. God is the mindfuck that is our universe. Anyone has the potential to “tune in” to God, it just requires careful attention to the present moment, which is all we have and all we are. The past and the future are just concepts, and I realized that our Western culture is obsessed with one or the other--there’s no grounding, no connection to the here and now that we actually exist in. I felt my awareness extend to the entire cosmos--God is inside of us all. We all have the potential to harness that great radiating awareness.
My peak lasted for about 2 hours, during which I was in euphoria, in bliss. I spent those 2 hours being one with the universe, and exploring different dimensions of being and perception. There’s so much I learned and so much I want to say--but there’s only so much space to write and only so much I can put into words. The comedown was gentle, and I spent most of it in quiet contemplation.
Needless to say, this was one of the most important events of my life to date; and I’m not ashamed to say so. I was NOT a religious or spiritual person at all when I went through this. Now, my spiritually is an essential part of my life. I spent a few days after the trip trying to integrate the experience. Does this normally happen...is this what tripping is? It felt like I had discovered the greatest secret of all time and it was some kind of strange freak accident. But one does not speak to God purely by accident.
I started doing some research, and lo and behold--people have been having this experience since as long as there’s been people. In fact, I had been taught about it in school when I learned about eastern traditions and enlightenment. It really blows my mind that I had absolutely no prior knowledge of the psychedelic or mystical experience and I was very close minded to spiritual thinking, and then I had a very real experience which turns out to be universal and integral to the religious experience. I had no idea so many people went through exactly what I did.
I genuinely believe that this phenomena is of paramount importance to the human condition. This experience is absolutely life changing to anyone who ‘apprehends’ it. It’s been written about and documented throughout human history and it’s a shame that our society has completely devalued it. To anyone reading this who might be skeptical (although if you’re on the Nexus I’m assuming you’re pretty cool to begin with), or who has not had this life changing experience, don’t be so quick to judge. Do some research, learn about it. But most importantly, find out for yourself before you form an opinion. It’s not something that can just be read about or learned about--it is beyond our capacity as humans to communicate. It is more than a ‘cool thought’ or a nice little philosophical insight--it redefines you as a human being, it is earth shattering. The experience immerses you and throws the truth in your face, and there’s no escaping the truth.
And I mean, really think about it. All of the impossible unanswerable questions you asked yourself as a kid when you couldn't sleep, there has to be some kind of answer, right? Regardless of whether you're religious or an atheist, we are all experiencing something big that's beyond our comprehension; and it's called the universe. To claim that we know everything about reality is completely foolish, and regardless of your personal beliefs, if you want to dig into the meat of it, into exactly whatever reality is, you're gonna get into some weird shit.
Since this experience, I’ve experimented with higher and lower doses of all sorts of compounds and I meditate daily. I’ve had many profound experiences since, all of which have changed my perspective and forced me to learn in some way, yet none quite as profound as my first taste of the Universe.
I thank anyone who took the time to read that whole thing, and I thank this community at large for encouraging my journeys and my immense personal growth through proper utilization of these precious substances.
