BlissandtheAbyss
Rising Star
I want to try and make the part about me very brief. It would feel very egotistical to rant on and on about myself. It’s not about me as much as it is the experiences that my humble soul have been through to get to this point and level of wisdom in my life. This wisdom I mentioned is actually a thirst for knowledge rather than the feeling I really know anything. Reminds me of a Carl Sagan quote “we make our world significant by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers.” I don’t think I will really have a ‘answer’ to my curiosity if I try DMT, in fact I’d probably have a whole new set of questions. But the courage to try for a deeper connection and understanding of myself and my mind is what draws me in.
It all started around age 10 or 11 when I took a interest in philosophy which in part might of lead to my later depression. Not that philosophy causes depression. I mean the way my mind works and experiences things contributed to my depression. I often felt like a outcast because of it. Because of my natural inclination to question things. This idea of ‘unlearning’ I always maintained. There were always a lot of social constructs so to speak that I had difficulty adhering to. Even things that came simply to most people.
Considering how I was horrible at math (always have been) I thought at the time that the field of philosophy might be too scientific for me to really be interested in until I read a lot of Plato/Aristotle/Socrates work. They ideas presented in almost any form of philosophy came extremely naturally to me. Not only that I felt like I could make some pretty easily connections existing within all of it. That’s when the merge of religion (spirituality along with traditional religion), philosophy, psychology, and creativity started to develop.
Going into high school is when the depression really developed. It was to some extent a typical existential crisis that a lot of people that age experience. However something about it felt different than what you would usually see in a teenager. When I was out of high school at around 18 I finally saw a doctor about it. I was diagnosed with depression and OCD. My therapy is on going however once I started on the meds things started to change again…
I was never one to actually be interested in drugs. I experimented like a lot of kids do with pot but I didn’t really care for it. I didn’t think drugs were that helpful (probably foolish but I just didn’t think much on it) until I started on simple SSRIs. Things actually changed for me. Maybe not right away with my depression but with my understanding of why I felt the way I did.
One notable thing that changed was my dreams. I went to my doctor telling her about how since I started on the meds my dreams have become longer more vivid and more memorable and even the act of sleeping is more pleasurable. I was truly surprised when she told me that was a known (but not common) side effect of the drug. A simple drug like that I didn’t think could have a subconscious impact but it did. I can say with certainty that my ‘dream exploration’ has made a huge positive change in my life.
Aspects about my personality, namely my creativity, interest in philosophy, empathy, and open-mindedness were things I always saw as inhibiting my ability to live normally and do what’s expected of me. Especially with the way I was raised. It was very strict. Most of all it felt like in my family and in my world it seemed like no one really craved for a deep soul-binding connection with another human being. Or anything deeper than a physical understanding of things. Not to sound cliche but life outside my mind seemed like a rat race, the things that people valued weren’t what I did… and it made me sad…
Dreams and the simple SSRI (Sertraline) drug I was taking actually slowly helped me meet myself. My real self. It felt like I could truly have a dialog with my subconscious or these much deeper thoughts and aspects to myself that I had always repressed.
When talking to a friend a few weeks ago he brought up DMT and then recommended this documentary on it, DMT: The Spirit Molecule. It sounded interesting so I watched it. After that I looked up more experiences online. What really fascinates me is the unsettling parallel that these DMT trips have to my dreams and that’s one of the main reasons why I’m interested in taking it. Though it’s hard to explain in writing a LOT of ideas and concept people present when they talk about their DMT trips resonates with me and my personal understanding of my subconscious thus far. I’ve read about LSD and other psychedelics and I don’t really have a desire to try them. Only DMT. Also it’s the only drug I don’t have fear or anxiety at the thought of trying…
I don’t think it was just the SSRI I started on for depression and OCD that helped me but more so guided me to unlock what was keeping my mind and happiness separate from creativity that I desired to express but emotionally/mentally couldn’t. I know I will never really be able to show someone directly the things I experience in my mind but the need to express them and to connect to another human being is still there…
It’s a bit depressing knowing that everything I say, paint, or draw, or try to convey in any way will always fall short of the experiences I’ve had. But still the experiences themselves are completely invaluable and well worth the price of feeling somewhat isolated.
And that’s some of my story and part of why I want to try DMT.
One theme that I relate to when I hear/read people’s experiences with DMT is this feeling of space that I get in my dreams. Both actual space (like cosmos) and space as in distance. This is a extremely common but still magnificent feeling in my dreams… here is a bit I wrote about this from a sort of journal I keep about my dreams:
‘The literal space around and inside everything, rather than just feeling/seeing this like I do normally I become that same matter. Slowly my mind stretches and it happens with a LARGE amount of space, outer space, light years of space… I feel it pressing down on me like no human mind was built to understand… You would think this feeling would only escalate my nihilism and amplify the feeling of smallness the feeling of all life that has ever lived and will ever live on this planet is less than a speck of sand on a endless shore, and it does, not in the way you would think… the weight and vastness of it isn’t bare, not alone, you would think it would be empty, but its not. Like all these crevices and corners, all the overlooked details, are filled with living things… little universes. Universes of universes. The human and inhuman… The entities which exist in this universe you can feel their minds when you pass over them, they have worlds of their own, hurts, love, fear and I can’t believe I can feel all of this. All those details that are beautiful, those perfect notes.’
Other themes in my dreams are things I’ve always thought about. But it’s one thing to think of something and another thing to feel like you truly are feeling/experiencing it. That’s part of what my dreams give to me, a experience to put to the ideas and things I’ve always thought about. Those themes being as large as gravity, space, time, heaven/hell, to as small as leaves blowing slowly across the ground. There is a feeling to my dreams that is indescribable that I instinctualy relate to with the descriptions of DMT trips.
So why did/do you want to try it?
It all started around age 10 or 11 when I took a interest in philosophy which in part might of lead to my later depression. Not that philosophy causes depression. I mean the way my mind works and experiences things contributed to my depression. I often felt like a outcast because of it. Because of my natural inclination to question things. This idea of ‘unlearning’ I always maintained. There were always a lot of social constructs so to speak that I had difficulty adhering to. Even things that came simply to most people.
Considering how I was horrible at math (always have been) I thought at the time that the field of philosophy might be too scientific for me to really be interested in until I read a lot of Plato/Aristotle/Socrates work. They ideas presented in almost any form of philosophy came extremely naturally to me. Not only that I felt like I could make some pretty easily connections existing within all of it. That’s when the merge of religion (spirituality along with traditional religion), philosophy, psychology, and creativity started to develop.
Going into high school is when the depression really developed. It was to some extent a typical existential crisis that a lot of people that age experience. However something about it felt different than what you would usually see in a teenager. When I was out of high school at around 18 I finally saw a doctor about it. I was diagnosed with depression and OCD. My therapy is on going however once I started on the meds things started to change again…
I was never one to actually be interested in drugs. I experimented like a lot of kids do with pot but I didn’t really care for it. I didn’t think drugs were that helpful (probably foolish but I just didn’t think much on it) until I started on simple SSRIs. Things actually changed for me. Maybe not right away with my depression but with my understanding of why I felt the way I did.
One notable thing that changed was my dreams. I went to my doctor telling her about how since I started on the meds my dreams have become longer more vivid and more memorable and even the act of sleeping is more pleasurable. I was truly surprised when she told me that was a known (but not common) side effect of the drug. A simple drug like that I didn’t think could have a subconscious impact but it did. I can say with certainty that my ‘dream exploration’ has made a huge positive change in my life.
Aspects about my personality, namely my creativity, interest in philosophy, empathy, and open-mindedness were things I always saw as inhibiting my ability to live normally and do what’s expected of me. Especially with the way I was raised. It was very strict. Most of all it felt like in my family and in my world it seemed like no one really craved for a deep soul-binding connection with another human being. Or anything deeper than a physical understanding of things. Not to sound cliche but life outside my mind seemed like a rat race, the things that people valued weren’t what I did… and it made me sad…
Dreams and the simple SSRI (Sertraline) drug I was taking actually slowly helped me meet myself. My real self. It felt like I could truly have a dialog with my subconscious or these much deeper thoughts and aspects to myself that I had always repressed.
When talking to a friend a few weeks ago he brought up DMT and then recommended this documentary on it, DMT: The Spirit Molecule. It sounded interesting so I watched it. After that I looked up more experiences online. What really fascinates me is the unsettling parallel that these DMT trips have to my dreams and that’s one of the main reasons why I’m interested in taking it. Though it’s hard to explain in writing a LOT of ideas and concept people present when they talk about their DMT trips resonates with me and my personal understanding of my subconscious thus far. I’ve read about LSD and other psychedelics and I don’t really have a desire to try them. Only DMT. Also it’s the only drug I don’t have fear or anxiety at the thought of trying…
I don’t think it was just the SSRI I started on for depression and OCD that helped me but more so guided me to unlock what was keeping my mind and happiness separate from creativity that I desired to express but emotionally/mentally couldn’t. I know I will never really be able to show someone directly the things I experience in my mind but the need to express them and to connect to another human being is still there…
It’s a bit depressing knowing that everything I say, paint, or draw, or try to convey in any way will always fall short of the experiences I’ve had. But still the experiences themselves are completely invaluable and well worth the price of feeling somewhat isolated.
And that’s some of my story and part of why I want to try DMT.
One theme that I relate to when I hear/read people’s experiences with DMT is this feeling of space that I get in my dreams. Both actual space (like cosmos) and space as in distance. This is a extremely common but still magnificent feeling in my dreams… here is a bit I wrote about this from a sort of journal I keep about my dreams:
‘The literal space around and inside everything, rather than just feeling/seeing this like I do normally I become that same matter. Slowly my mind stretches and it happens with a LARGE amount of space, outer space, light years of space… I feel it pressing down on me like no human mind was built to understand… You would think this feeling would only escalate my nihilism and amplify the feeling of smallness the feeling of all life that has ever lived and will ever live on this planet is less than a speck of sand on a endless shore, and it does, not in the way you would think… the weight and vastness of it isn’t bare, not alone, you would think it would be empty, but its not. Like all these crevices and corners, all the overlooked details, are filled with living things… little universes. Universes of universes. The human and inhuman… The entities which exist in this universe you can feel their minds when you pass over them, they have worlds of their own, hurts, love, fear and I can’t believe I can feel all of this. All those details that are beautiful, those perfect notes.’
Other themes in my dreams are things I’ve always thought about. But it’s one thing to think of something and another thing to feel like you truly are feeling/experiencing it. That’s part of what my dreams give to me, a experience to put to the ideas and things I’ve always thought about. Those themes being as large as gravity, space, time, heaven/hell, to as small as leaves blowing slowly across the ground. There is a feeling to my dreams that is indescribable that I instinctualy relate to with the descriptions of DMT trips.
So why did/do you want to try it?
