A positively amaze-balls Official Intro Essay by this guy with two thumbs!

[alex mowry]

so i've had some identity crises over the years. yeah... i'm one of those types of people. and its like... people are just infinite. so i get embarrassed over repetition and over thinking things; and opening up especially.

lately though; i've been getting more stable. things level out apparently. but at the same time; i still want what i don't need; which is to be something great.

i want to describe past experiences briefly: drug wise i've dabbled in cannabis at an early age (12) and during my teenagehood i experienced LSA (hawain baby woodrose seeds and morning glories). and i've also had a few experiences with synthetic cannabis. one of which was an Overdose experience; it was incredibly frightening and i think i almost died. which is why i'm more careful with my drug use.

well cannabis is the best medicine for my bipolar; and Hawain baby woodrose seeds helps my autism and problems with connecting and relating to others.

for me; HBW seeds helped me to discover parts and aspects of myself i wasn't entirely aware of beforehand. i'll recall a few experiences: one was when i caressed the earth; i remember touching the ground and feeling like a puzzle piece connecting to a puzzle to create a picture; basically i felt like i was communicating and being "one" with the earth. it was a beautiful day to have had that happen too; and i felt incredibly connected to the rest of nature.

then there are the other trips i've had with LSA; like one's when i was "blown away"; one's when i had that giggly and bubbled up feeling of happiness; i recall art being more beautiful and creating art to be more enjoyeable; i recall that colour is usually enhanced and that life is generally thought of differently. LSA made a big impact on me.

when i first started my trials with LSA i was recovering from PTSD; due to an ongoing 4 year period of psychological abuse; which was during an important time in my development: teenage hood. with LSA; i was able to open up and stretch my emotional legs. it was amazing to be myself and to enjoy this feeling longer than normal medication could offer; allowing an afterglow of theraputic benefits from this LSA containing seeds.

i've had alot of LSA experiences; most of which are directly with seeds; not the extract. i've never used an extract before; but i find the seeds work wonderfully as is. but; when i look back on these experiences; i recall those things i was supposed to learn about. the lessons i was taught; yet i'm slow to learn sometimes.

but now as i think about it: times when i'd feel human and humbled were amazingly beautiful moments i was able to live through. i recall what psychedelics mean to me; and how they came to create something inside me. a warmth. a special glowing warmth. a sense of connection; a special vibrating sense of connection and feelings of all being right with the surroundings around me and the world therein.

thats probably my favorite part of psychedelics; the entactogenesis. entactogenesis is one of the most beautiful and awe inspiring things i like to talk about; in regards to psychedelics. i feel particularly interested in how psychedelics can alter the shape of how you percieve the world. and how it can create effects like "the doll house effect" where everything is in its right place. or how it can make things in a room seem farther away and how i can stare infinitely at textures and designs.

i like how alot of our world is psychedelically inspired and how that culture isn't so bad as some people make it out to be. i like the counter culture and i like that the nexus offers people like me a counter culture to be in. i only wish that i could give back to this community more oftenly. i'd like to see a creative writting section where i can post poems, short stories, a novel or so, and a few columns of random interest. i love writting; there's something special about filling space in with words; it's almost like painting a picture onto a canvas; but different.

i find writting to take a certain comfort with oneself and if you don't have that comfort then you probably won't be as accomplished as one personally wishes in their writtings; basically my biggest obstacle with writting is being comfortable with myself and that of others.

sometimes i feel like a serious joke; kinda foolish i guess. i'm a humored person; but god... humor and seriousness are some of the most difficult things to get to work together. and then there's that whole personality thing; that i try to hold onto.

i never "got" what a personality was; so i developed several. i like... wanted to communicate in any situation i would "possibly" be placed in.

basically i was afraid; so i developed ways of attempting to understand everything. but i'm autistic. apsergers to be specific. and i have my own spectrum; as well as my own spectrum of ADHD, Bipolar, and general depression.

basically its felt like i'm a fighter; but fighting myself on whom i am. i keep thinking i'll be someone. meanwhile; i hesitate to be me.

and i guess in rewritting my intro essay alot of times; i've discovered things about myself that i never thought about before; because i was always too afraid that someone else was like me; yet wouldn't understand where i'm coming from.

i don't know; but thats like one of my biggest and most irrational fears; and it has triggers (PTSD; basically).

i like to describe myself as a "weirdo" or a "fool" and most of all and proudly; a freak of nature. so i've developed this odd and dysfunctional poem; hope most people "get it"; i hope you (the reader) gets it; about me. cause i'm a weirdo; and weirdo's aren't always listened to or taken seriously and so they don't know how to be real with themselves.

but i like to think the world should be serious and foolish at the same time; it feels "right" to me. but thats just how i look at things. anyways; i hope you enjoy one of my poems.


"A long, long time to time "right" "
BY Alex Mowry.


" I'm am whom i've am; simply a man whom has fantasies of catching this world and holding its hands in my hand.

I dream that my body will surface on land. i dream i know whom i am. i dream i'm the dreaming sand-man standing on sand-less lands.

how can i be whom i believe and perceive and wish to conceivably see whom i wish i think I've am.

i escape late into more thoughts. and i believe i'm the "whom" that i'm probably not. i escape through the shit-abyss of shit and more shit. the bull was too stupidly foolish to think in order for him to "get it".

given; i'm an handful of hands; clenching and thrashing for more handfuls of hands. clenching and thrashing for more and more hands to hold; so that my hands probably will never ever seemingly to me; get cold.

i'm 19; my eyes are tired; i'm getting old. i was told to think before i speak but how long does it ever so often take to practice till the day i've wasted away because too much i preach and too often i think like you speak.

my minds on repeat, my hearts on deplete, my soul wants to delete; but i have to defeat the depression and stand on my own two feet. i'll always be whom i believe i ought to be; the world will never see; the truth is: i've never learned why one "should" ought to be; i keep on searching and searching.

searching and searching; fear, anger, passion; all of which constantly burning. the worlds spinning and turning; i'm out of control with learning; yet still learning to be.

you see: "things never be"; "the world will never see"; "you'll never get to ever be" ; "believe me" ; "you're too young and too old, you don't listen when you've been told"; "get it through you're head..."

but then i said: "i got it through my head, but one day i'll be dead. hesitate not or pay the cost of staying in your place; lost"

"we'll never see eye to eye; you'll never cry like i cry, wish to die like i die inside. you'll never fight the same fight i fight; one thousand times over; each last second; every night."

"the definition of literal light: is to shine brightness through eyes; swirling color becomes fights winner's prized prize that ego praises all the times; around and around; again and again; i keep complaining "but that light's mine! i wanna win!; i know it within!; inside!; deep down to the mind!"

"but the first layer's a selfish hellian; it's a gruesomely egotistical rebellion; dark passage for the inner felon; it's sad to see you're reflection; but deep down you hear an inner sound; loud; and you lie "i'm out!"; "good bye!" you shout; "leave me alone" you spout; "you don't understand me." you doubt.

and as each thined layer unthicks; words, gestures, emotions, composure, and communications start to stick. you exclaim how simple it is.

"alive; why'd it take me so long to live?!"

"let go; live and let live and lastly"

"hey; for a long time i've needed some friends" The End. "

i want to say that i take kindly to first impressions and to genuinity. i take kindly to honesty; especially if its rooted right next to kindness. i take kindly to creativity and hold onto intelligence (sometimes too much; more so than creativity).

i'm autistic; ADHD; slight OCD; and Bipolar. I'm pan/bisexual. i'm a recovering depression-addict; who finds that sometimes its too comfortable to be sad. but i try too much sometimes. and in a way; i'm happy that i try at all.

its better to feel lost and alone and search for the right things, people, persons, and philosophies to guide you than to feel nothing at all; which i have experience in.

sometimes i don't know how to communicate; Ex: in the nexus i've insinuated negative thought by little and meaningless things. but one way i like to re-describe this is: the little things take little effort, i like the little things. so doing a little thing like describing something slightly differently for the benefit of others; is something i can understand.

one thing is that i actually get hurt if someone either ignores me or doesn't have time for me. but i don't like to take up everyone's time.

my life is like trying to find a balance and falling into place off the balance of my uncordinated feet. i love life; but life doesn't like me all the time; i get obsessed and stressed and then obsess more. its good to take a break from the first thing i'm focusing on; but its better to tell me that i'm pushing myself too much and to think of me like someone who simply wishes to be included.

i think of myself the most as the character Corona from Soul Eater (the anime). i think they said something about him once: "its not that you don't know how to deal with other people; its that other people never took the time to deal with you"

and i like to think of time to non-"psychonauts" as DMT is to us. and how one can think things are impossible to describe; let alone understand. but... dude... we have longer to go. we aren't the master species. we are very flexible. we are very diverse. we think and are more creative and intelligent than anything on this earth. but its our choices that land us in hot water; and our intentions that save us at the end of the day.

and with that said; some days are unsavable. and thats why sometimes life doesn't hand you lemons. you take them from the tree. and with that; you can probably take away lemons from any other person who uses that tree. so don't be greedy you Lemon Lover! but don't be afraid to admit it either!

YOU LOVE LEMONS! lemons and you; sitting in a tree; puckered up and K.I.S.S.I.N.G.; first come's tentacle sex then comes "whoah bro... chill out..." :shock:

"... like... too far man... too far." "too freaking far!" :!:

sorry. with respect and almost-dignity; Me. A foolish weirdo freak of nature! but also lemons. and pickles. had to include pickles. just saying... juuust saying.

 

[Gowpen]

Welcome alex, Its NEVER too late to have a happy childhood. You dont need DMT for it either.

Like using your rear-view mirror as the steering wheel, What ever you do, dont use your past as a map for your future.

Imagine the unimaginable and start there.

Great things
Regards G

 

[alex mowry]

i agree actually but i like to think that mostly its that people are socially closed while naturally expressive in nature. such as that of communication. i might actually rewrite this one sometimes and make it better; i'm sort of a little bit of a perfectionist at times. it just depends though

but yeah; i think i'm going to continue to work on a proper introduction to the nexus

well idk; actually thats a pretty descent way of introducing myself. idk XD i'm self conscious about my own writtings and stuff

but i know as i learn how to learn back and let the worlds weight drop from my shoulders i can start exploring myself through other ways and through just learning about who i am.

i also believe i have suffered through identitive dissasociative disorder. i'm not sure. but there were times where i didn't exactly know whom i was. there were times when i thought i had multiple personalities. but i think in a way i do. i have multiple ways of thinking (and multiple mental "disorders") like ADHD, aspergers syndrome, bipolar, and perhaps identitive dissasociative disorder. i also had a period of PTSD as well through my later years in highschool due to my mother's suicide attempt (i was the one to stop her) but there's this need to express myself that i have. and i think thats why i type way more than most people. its like i don't want to be alone and i don't want my true self to die. i want to write these feelings into a story and one day commemorate them into an anime.

for me writting and anime are very good sources of expression. writting has allowed me to express myself very creatively. and anime is just simply creative and has alot of human behaviors to relate from in it.

 

[alex mowry]

and i realize there is a good "me" and an evil "me". the good me always wins. but its the fact that the two "me"s are fighting so much; that both of them have bad insides. i remember a quote; i forget the name by the original quoter: "out beyond the ideas of right doing and wrong doing; there is a field. i'll meet you there"

i like this because for someone like me; i have issues with finding a balance. its not that i don't want a balance; but its that i try too hard to get things into my life; and i lack the ability to focus it all into an organized way of living my own life and incorporating my "works" into my life as well as using it to benefit that of others.

sometimes; i need to be a different "me". like; sometimes i need to be calmer and i need to let things come to me; instead of me chasing them down like a rabid dog; because soemtimes i "hold on" it feels like once i let go i will be lost again. i just like to think we're all complicated; and i have opened up the doors to perception. but not communication.

and once any door like the one i'm talking about is opened; it can't be shut. can't it? but for me i opened my doors of perception when i decided that type of life; i have yet to use any DMT. when i decided i needed conflict in my life as a way of growth; i think i set my path out before me in a weird and complexfully changing and confusing way. but i think in this "game" and in this "searching" i've lost sight of whom i am. and who i am; is me.

and i actually like me for once in my life. and i want to grasp that feeling and let it be in simplicity. i guess i want to program my brain to be happy again. and thats why i hope from what i've read that ayahuasca would be the best starting point; the uphill to my rock bottom. because once you've hit rock bottom in life; you aren't the same.

but i miss that about me. the me that i want to be. the hero within. the person that just is and doesn't allow others to change him. the me that can say something important and yet make you laugh the next moment. the me that develops a personal bond with each person he gets to know; or at least tries to do so. the me that tries and tries; no matter how hard. i simply wish to be something i know i am. and thats a good person... deep inside i know i'm a good person.

and i know i just got alot of B.S. genetically speaking; and mentally speaking. but i feel that with all the crap that i wade through; something comes out of it.

i'm like a seed; in order to grow i have to be dropped in dirt; covered by darkness; and struggle for the light. in a way; nothing will be okay. not today at least. but one day; everything will be okay. it has to be because there are people out there who are willing to fight for that day to come to pass; the day where everything; the past sorrows; the past pain; all those things can become meaningless one day.

and one day; i will be only but a whisper. and i think that's okay. because whispers can be pretty damn loud too! Whispers are bigger than anyone thinks.

 

[Intezam]

Alex, there is no reason to be 'overly happy' given our present situation, but we could be somewhat content (not with the utterly wrong, of course, but) with our given assignment. :| We would also warn against believing just anything that the white robes write about or tell us. Thinking "We have this and that or that we've been diagnosed with this and that". A lot of white robes have no clue!



BTW: intezam hasn't :thumb_up: ignored you

 

[New Material]

That was profound, Alex. I can't even begin to grasp how relevant that was to me. I want you to know that sometimes its okay to "not know" things. That's an adventure in-and-of itself. Insofar, as finding the words I find that there are no words. Just sound.


In short. I may not get you, but I'm with you, Alex.

 

[alex mowry]

thank you both of you for caring and saying what you've said. like; for me i kind of am lost and aloneish. like; its not so much that i feel like pushing myself too far or other people away; but i've lived most my life in apathy.

the apathy is the worst part; next to the bitterness. and like; it's hard to connect with other people because of that numb and terrible apathy. like; i don't mind having downs and ups; and i like facing the bad times when they come; but sometimes its just difficult to do on your own; and for some reason i'm proud in a way to go through these ordeals and come out on the other side of the storm. i like that things aren't good or bad and that their somewhere inbewteen.

honestly; i think that most of my issues are actually caused by psychological abuse. and i kinda wanted to turn to ayahuasca for healing; and i was hoping it'd purge out all the bottled up emotions. i try to purge them out naturally by venting and dance and writting and listening to music; but sometimes it doesn't help because i can't always do something like burst into dance.

but; thank you both of you. i'm a fighter and i always try hard to make it through the day. and not all of its bad. there's alot of good years i've lived. i think that i just have some more things to be stuburn about and fight against. i'm kinda like a bull sometimes XD like with my depression.

i'm always quick to do it all on my own and stuff. but i'm also really quick to reach out to others. mostly i think i just want to be strong; but i want more than anything to have the softness of a hug; the strenght of a tree's roots; and the creativity to be on the outside instead of buried deep within. and i also want to be as open as a book.

so i'm kinda just working on my things and my issues one step at a time. i think i'll be stronger than most people and understand things that some people don't understand.

to be honest; i kinda yern for a lover to be with. like; i don't resort to relationships to fix all my problems; but it always helps to have someone close.

idk; i have alot of problems and alot of solutions that work on and off from time to time. but i find that life changes alot; which is why i'm proud to be bipolar and why i see the things about bipolar that can make me different from other people and idk; there's just a sense of pride in having mental disorders. because there's a pride in having to take the harder road and knowing a harder road than alot of other people who have things comfortable and easier.

but i kinda think that i want to do an ayahuasca ceramony for healing sometime soon. because i want to face these things; but most of all i kinda just want something to talk to. i think ayahuasca will be good for me; because i think i want to talk to it and see what it has to say. idk; i want something powerful in my life and i guess thats why i'm attracted to it.

i wish i knew more about it though and what to expect; but i know with ayahuasca you still have to expect the unexpected. but for a while and a long long time i've been wanting to use ayahuasca for healing.

 

[cubeananda]

I have to admit, I have become a bit jaded when it comes to the problems of human life. I guess i don't find much value in empathizing; its a personal thing.

On the other hand I was pleased to read your poem. In a sense, doing that, writing poetry, is real empathy; we understand how common our problems are no matter how unique and our expression through art is the only way to turn such a mess into a clarion call for every ear it will reach.

Your story regarding LSA seems pretty idyllic as far as getting into psychedelia goes, and even though you have a particular burden it's a gift to be responsible with powerful medicines. You have mentioned stretching your emotion legs thanks to LSA, it seems that your whole emotional body (including your voice) is well built and I wish you the best in discovering it.

 

[Husky]

Hey Alex, thank you for the great poem! I think we are all great. We are all part of a single, amazing process. I can relate to many of the things that you said. Chaotic energies and crisis of the self, untamed and misunderstood. Unhelped by abusive relationships and being abandoned more than once in my life. Retreating into myself and shutting the world away, only to be in a room that chopped me up more than the outside world did. I escaped being put on a plethora of medication and escaped suicide several times. That was a long time ago, though. I used my strongest tools to build myself, regardless of what anyone thought of me. I pushed to really discover myself. The world became my database, and its people my social experiment. In a sense it was my way of exacting my revenge for all the pain without anyone knowing. It got to the point where I could hypnotize people, get any woman I wanted, etc...but that's in the past now. Once I realized my true potential, I came back into the world with my energy carefully orbiting about me, unchanged and still wild, with new-found strength and happiness, and I suddenly felt the need to pump as much desperately needed love into the world as I could, and I will continue to do so till I stop breathing. In a way I switched from taking, to giving. I will never let the people calcified into the status quo tell me what's up, and I don't see myself ever becoming jaded, because love for all and everything, in the end, is the only truth. I still to this day have some anxiety and loneliness, however. Anywho, enough about me, but the point is- keep fighting the good fight, even if it's painful.

There are many, perhaps too many points in your posts to quote, that really point to a deep intelligence within you. What stood out the most is how you said you value authenticity, and you don't seek relationships to fix things. These are both very important. It indicates you're a giving person. I also agree with Intezam. By all means you should see doctors if you have a problem, obviously, but I know for a fact many will throw labels around and piss medication for days for a quick buck. Try pulling away from the labels, in a sense turn the labels into a separate ego, and kill it. Then refresh and really look at yourself without that handicap riding on your self esteem.

Thanks for being yourself and letting me do the same in your thread. I hope any of it helped and I wish you love and luck on your journey!

 

[alex mowry]

thank you everyone for your support; tollerance and acceptance; and the feed back. it really helps because i'm the type of person who does just give and doesn't know how to shut off the giving part; for some odd reason. and i give and give and give until i have little left. and lately i'm learning how to be given and how to accept gifts; even just hte litle ones like a simple hug; you know, those gifts that are given once and last one time and thats why their more special than normal gifts. its hard and i almost don't want to accept it; like i'm trying to scratch at the world or dig too deep or push it all away until i hit rock bottom and sink.

sometimes it feels like i'm drifting out into the sea and it feels like i'm in the tiniest boat and i'm searching for land. if you like really good movies; i feel like pi from life of pi; sometimes.

everyone has given something by commenting and i thank you all for giving a few thoughts; because to me those are the gifts i think about in times when i secretly want something back from life.

and for me; i like to be a giver. there's something special about loving ALOT and having alot of love to share. and there's something special in being there for someone when their at their lower points in life; a sort of beauty.

but husky; i think what you've said has hit home the hardest; so thank you in a special kind of way.

and cubeananda i kinda feel like for me; empathy has become a strong sense of a different kind of meditation for me. like; i'm actually one of those people who know what it's like to have mental imbalances that make it so that i literally can't feel empathy most of the time. well; kinda. it's more that feeling empathy is kind of painful for me because i always flow into a negative possability that "probably will" happen. its so irrational to feel that way; but i'm glad that you like my poetry; i have a passion for it. now i find sometiems i don't like my words because sometimes my words say things that aren't exactly true; not lies or exxagerations; but it's almost like how some people will see things or hear things that aren't there; well sometimes i think things that aren't actually true.

like sometimes i get anxious over a whilrwind of crap that spirals me farther and farther down; but like i have been thinking lately and i kind of need to move on from that type of me. like; i need to say goodbye to depression.

depression has taken everything from me; it's taken friends and family time; it's caused me to self isolate (i've spent alot of time laying on cold bathroom floors just so i can be alone; because bathrooms are private. and the hting is; while i'm sitting motionless on the toilet lid with my hands buried in my hair and my back scrucnhed into a slouch i sit (or if i'm lying on the floor) and think about the worst and most negative things i can come to face. and i realize that that isn't me. its a part of my life; but its not who i am.

i was taught alot of those things; to hate myself and to blame someone or to classify things as victims or as victimizers.

and i realize that time keeps on going on without me; and i like to be a part of life. and i realize that alot of my life; i've spent the time trying to figure out things like we're playing a game and i try to figure out the other players and the rules; mostly the rules. and i try to find my own rules to live by; and soon i kinda realize thats not hte point of playing the game of life. sometimes i think the point of living isn't the rules; its the fun you have with the other players around you.

like; i don't know why but i do like to talk alot about pain specifically. i think it's because this is a dark age we live in emotionally and mentally and its really hard when you're either alone or think you're alone; and you think and therefore you become in a way. or at least you walk into that way; like; sometiems i think i walk into lonliness and into fear.

and as i start to catch up with my racing thoughts and lean back let the weight drop off my shoulders; i kinda like it. it feels good to be human and i'm kinda glad i'm only human. i'm glad that i'm this tiny thing in a big world; because honestly i don't want to be greater than myself nor greater than anyone else. i just want to be; to be honest.

i'm kinda tired of searching for answers; and i've kinda gotten alot of questions answered just by being that stubborn and holding onto so many questions. but then... i feel like a deep desire can't be neglected; and thats the desire to be someone's hero.

its funny; sometiems i imagine what my first ayahuasca experience is going to be like. and sometimes i imagine the exact experience; like the time i decided i'd ask ayahuasca to a fight; like fist fight. or the time i decided i'd ask it to teach me how to struggle with real pain and how i imagined it'd reduce me to a baby crying for help. or even the time i imagined i'd ask it 'teach me how to be a real hero for someone" and then how i imagined it'd give me a very real lesson; a failure; and it'd make me live with that failure.

and i realize these preconcieved ideas aren't real; but they do kinda glimpse into some of the ways i think and some of the things i'm dealing with; like struggle and fighting. for what i believe in like kindness and empathy.

for me; i don't need to take. i really don't. so i think thats why i always pile on burdens or think that i can handle anything or think that maybe i'll just get through anything that i think i won't handle. i realize that i'm always overthinking; and really overthinking isn't so bad; when it doesn't completely consume your life. well; maybe i'll use the term "hyper thinking" because i think thats just a better term to use.

but i find that i don't need to take; because my intentions are set in a good path i am usually given in the first place because people appreciate that i try harder than most people to be nicer and kinder and wiser and more open than the majority of "normal" people.

well anyways; i'm getting tired and i'm gonna go take a nice long sleep; sleep tight dont let he carnivorous woodmites crawl upon your exposed skin while you lay unconcsious and drain you of your blood fluids unkowingly; a.k.a. "sleep tight; don't let the bedbugs bite" XD :d