Yipes
Rising Star
Hi there all! I have lurked here for quite a while, even posted once or twice. I see posts that I wish to respond to but alas cannot due to my segregated status. Which is a great policy by the way.
I have recently returned to this mystery, though not without some reservations. My first introductions to this substance were, though quite weird, not events that made my return immediately necessary. But the thoughts of returning always stayed with me and again I decided to pursue this bizarre experience. After changing my method of smoking, I eventually had an experience beyond description that it seems many of you have had as well. How is it possible that the strangest thing to ever happen to you could feel so familiar at the same time? Its the biggest "Oh Yeah!!! How could I forget!?" experience ever.
And so I shared with friends, probably in the wrong environment, and watched as an acquaintance was drawn into his own depths of...I cant say. And neither could he. It was obvious he had a profound experience but the outward expression of it was enough to scare me off again. For a bit.
And so I find myself back again at the start, testing, probing gently back into the experience and in doing this I realize a good bit of fear. To part of my mind, this fear seems irrational and to another part it seems irrational to even want to continue in this endeavor. And I realized today that my intentions were ill-defined. I am stuck in between a love/hate duality with this experience. Part of me is extremely afraid of it. Another part obsesses over it. Another part, a part that I only remember when fully immersed in it, realizes that "I'M HERE!, WHERE HAVE I BEEN?" If that makes sense...
So in attempting to bring this questioning into the experience (not easy, nor probably advisable, nor even possible), I realized that I must answer "the why of why?" Or at least fully realize the question. In other words, "Why do I want this?" - "Well, why do you wonder why? You obviously want it." It seems like an impossible question. At least to me right now. Its a question that strikes to the core of who I am. And why I do things, not just THIS, but ALL OF THIS. And I think it has to do with love, but that word is multi-faceted. Is it not? I understand love in action but not in abstraction and an INTENT seems to beg the abstraction.
And I sit with smoke in hand. Ready and unsure.
Thanks for reading.
I have recently returned to this mystery, though not without some reservations. My first introductions to this substance were, though quite weird, not events that made my return immediately necessary. But the thoughts of returning always stayed with me and again I decided to pursue this bizarre experience. After changing my method of smoking, I eventually had an experience beyond description that it seems many of you have had as well. How is it possible that the strangest thing to ever happen to you could feel so familiar at the same time? Its the biggest "Oh Yeah!!! How could I forget!?" experience ever.
And so I shared with friends, probably in the wrong environment, and watched as an acquaintance was drawn into his own depths of...I cant say. And neither could he. It was obvious he had a profound experience but the outward expression of it was enough to scare me off again. For a bit.
And so I find myself back again at the start, testing, probing gently back into the experience and in doing this I realize a good bit of fear. To part of my mind, this fear seems irrational and to another part it seems irrational to even want to continue in this endeavor. And I realized today that my intentions were ill-defined. I am stuck in between a love/hate duality with this experience. Part of me is extremely afraid of it. Another part obsesses over it. Another part, a part that I only remember when fully immersed in it, realizes that "I'M HERE!, WHERE HAVE I BEEN?" If that makes sense...
So in attempting to bring this questioning into the experience (not easy, nor probably advisable, nor even possible), I realized that I must answer "the why of why?" Or at least fully realize the question. In other words, "Why do I want this?" - "Well, why do you wonder why? You obviously want it." It seems like an impossible question. At least to me right now. Its a question that strikes to the core of who I am. And why I do things, not just THIS, but ALL OF THIS. And I think it has to do with love, but that word is multi-faceted. Is it not? I understand love in action but not in abstraction and an INTENT seems to beg the abstraction.
And I sit with smoke in hand. Ready and unsure.
Thanks for reading.
