CindiMayweather
Rising Star
My name for all purposes as related to this site is Cindi Mayweather, and I have not written an essay in ages.
I went through the DARE program over 10 years ago, and I must say that for myself, in combination with my family's own occasional anti-drug sentiment, it was fairly effective. I resisted temptation to use illicit drugs until the age of 20, and legal drugs like alcohol and tobacco until ages 17 and 19, respectively. However, I had always been curious about drugs, cannabis in particular.
Some of my friends and peers were using drugs like weed, ecstasy, crys, lsd and others by the time I was in middle school, including my first real boyfriend. He was always trying to get me to drink or smoke marijuana, but I always refused. He had successfully manipulated me into having sex, but for some reason I refrained from the substances completely.
However, after learning more about which drugs do what, hearing people's experiences and witnessing the effects which certain drugs had on their lives, I began to make distinctions between drugs that ought never to be used, even once (at least by me), and some that I might like to try. I will list them now:
Marijuana
Ecstasy
LSD
Shrooms
I wasn't aware at the time that most of these are considered psychedelics, and never even imagined that any of them could lead to powerful insights, creative innovations or spiritual bliss. All I knew was that they could make you feel good and smoking weed makes you hungry. (Of course I knew some of the health risks involved with some of these, I had to study them in highschool)
A few years ago I became friends with a fellow art enthusiast (I love to draw and paint) and amateur graff-writer. (he was really good at the time, and well-respected in the local street graff-art community) We talked about drugs, among other things, and marijuana was mentioned more than once. Of course we also flirted here and there, and after a couple months I decided to blow trees for the very first time with him.
He took me to a special spot off of I-5, and we pulled over in a dead-end of a residential area. We walked past the metal bar/gate thingy and up a steep mound of dirt and rocks, like the kind protecting us from the river in the rainy seasons. This place is very beautiful, there is a wide clear field once you come up onto the path, orchards to the north, homes across the canal to the south, and plenty of sky to gaze in awe at and road to walk. We began walking when he pulled out a blunt he had previously rolled and lit it. He took a hit or two, and instructed me on how to hit it when he handed the blunt to me. Now, I had been puffing on a Black & Mild cigar every now and then before this and thought I knew how to smoke...turns out I didn't! I proceeded to suck on the blunt and blow the smoke out after holding it in; I tasted the bitter flavor of the wrap and felt the harshness, but experienced no effects. My mouth began producing excess saliva and I very attractively spat it out so I wouldn't have to taste it. My friend had not smoked cannabis in almost a year, and was pretty stoned. We stopped at Jack In The Box to discuss the experience.
He laughed as he unwrapped his burger when I told him that I was completely sober. We agreed to try again after the snack, and this time he packed some trees into a b&m (he favored these, too) and after walking back up to the path, he explained to me in more detail what I had to do. I brought the cigar to my face, put my mouth to the piece, and inhaled. I pulled the cigar away as I held in the breath as long as I could, which wasn't very long at all, since I really had never smoked anything before and was coughing like crazy on the smoke. Another hit or maybe two and that was it.
We kept walking, and somewhere along the road something strange started happening. I began to feel the strangest sensation...it reminded me of a piece of paper that is curled in one corner, and when there is a breeze it lifts the rest of the paper with it. I felt like I was being tugged rather than lifted, however. Looking back, I remember asking myself if I was starting to feel high, if this was what it's like. I remember feeling nervous, then silly. All of a sudden, my body felt all over as if it were melting sort of. More like, I COULD melt at any moment. My body felt like cookie dough before the flour and baking soda...when it's just the sugar, butter, egg and brown sugar being mixed all together. I felt like I was composed of tiny crystalline grains which now vibrated and undulated beneath my skin. I was laughing hysterically and had to take a break, my heart was beating so hard and so fast.
After we kept walking, I realized I could not fully control what my body was doing. I was on one side of the path, my friend on the other. There was plenty of room, yet we kept bumping into each other. I would consciously move myself as far as possible, and we would still bump in the middle of the road. It was as though we were being pulled together by some strange force, like gravity but..not quite. Eventually, I began to notice how good it felt when our arms touched (even through layers of long sleeves) and how pleasant it felt when our fingers met. I couldn't even think of what was going on, my body wasn't obeying what my mind suggested. So I ignored my mind, and went with the sensations. I had my eyes closed, but I could sense a golden light that seemed to emanate from our beings. Now I had my arms wrapped around him, and he had his around me. I opened my eyes momentarily to break out of the experience and to look up at his face, but when he leaned down to kiss me it seemed so fluid and natural that I eagerly returned it. We kissed deeply, more deeply than I ever had before, it wasn't just physically deep.
After that, I tried to blame it all on the weed and denied my real feelings. But whenever we smoked, we kissed. And eventually, we kissed a lot without it, haha! Anyways, since that day we've been together almost every day. It's been almost 4 years and we are starting a sweet life together.
What does this have to do with DMT and me being here on the Nexus?
My experience with marijuana and with this man led me to it. It made me realize that some drugs are so much more than what it does to you physically, or how goofy it makes you feel.
Fast-forward then rewind to two years ago...
MY FIRST AND so far my ONLY DMT TRIP EXPERIENCE
Two months before, my boyfriend and I broke up, and though we were still seeing eachother and hanging out, he was against getting back together right away. I was heart-broken, and thought for sure that he didn't love me anymore, he was using me for sex and that we weren't going to get back together(he did, he wasn't, we did
).
I spent a lot of this time with a good friend of mine who had her first marijuana experience almost a year before mine, and whose first psychedelic experience took place a few months before that when she ate some chocolate covered mushrooms at a bluegrass festival in San Francisco. She, another friend of hers, and I hung out a lot together smoking pot, drinking, and watching movies. FOAF started talking about a drug he'd heard of from a movie called Enter The Void by Gaspar Noe, and the drug was DMT.
My sister and I also smoked a lot together. After her experiences with weed, she tried convincing me to smoke, but I had refused. After I tried it, we smoked together AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, and she told me about her connections from work. She mentioned that one of them had DMT and that she was thinking of trying it. After this conversation, I told my friends about it, because we all wanted to trip.
Eventually, we had the DMT.We met up one night at a Mystical FOAF's apartment. We smoked some marijuana from a glass bong, listened to music and painted while we waited for the DMT and our guide. After his arrival, we gathered into Mystic's bedroom. My friend, our male friend and I sat on the huge soft bed, I was in the middle. We passed around a pipe of marijuana to steady us for the trip, and we were calm. I will skip my friends' experiences, and move straight on to my own.
Mystic instructed me to breathe in slowly and deeply, hold for a few moments, and then to exhale. I did this once or twice until I was ready to take my first hit of DMT. The crystals were packed into the bowl of the bong, mixed with marijuana. Mystic held the bong and lit it for me, and I inhaled deeply. I immediately tasted and smelled something like burned or burning plastic as I felt my throat being mauled by the vapor. I exhaled and began coughing. My vision started to become very strange, my body was buzzing. Mystic offered me another hit, and I refused, I was not able to take another hit, nor did I want to. I leaned back and closed my eyes as the buzzing and whirring intensified...
I could see the smoke when I first exhaled, and saw flashing lights, like a strobe, and a morphing black and white checker pattern as I laid-back. When I closed my eyes it seemed like I was in a vortex-like room with whizzing checkered walls flashing in green, red and blue. A crystal-like sphere occuppied this zone and reflected the patterns and the whizzing lights. Let me mention that I am near-sighted, I need glasses to see things properly, but everything I saw here was crisp and clear.
After a while I opened my eyes and saw everyone in the room. Mystic was trying to speak to me, and as I looked at her and past her she turned pink and changed into a geometric being in a strange pink-colored landscape with a bright light shining through in the horizon.
I floated around in my mind, all the while feeling strange. (I can't remember if eyes were open or closed, or when the following part of the trip took place)I was having the most trippy time of my life, and was reminded of scenes from Being John Malkovich, Waking Life and Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. I began to feel uneasy when I wondered if by some freak coincidence I became the first person to OD on DMT and if I was dead or dying. I thought about it, and decided that from what admittedly little I'd read about DMT, you can't die from it, and that even if I were dying or dead, it was too late to do anything about it and to just let go and find out what happens when we die.
I remember feeling extremely intense euphoria, especially when I opened my eyes and saw that the bedroom had been transformed completely! Objects remained where they were, but they were different. The poster on the walls colors all spiraled into eachother into a living, writhing pattern. The lava lamp on the dresser (the dresser itself and everything on it, also) was covered in tiny little glowing squiggles or worms. The wall behind it wasn't a wall, it was the void. I saw patterns on the walls and ceiling...gold and rainbow colors lit up from within shone and showed me strange symbols. I saw a giant bright pink vine or cord of light boring through the void from up in the ceiling. All the while I had been saying out loud,"Oh sh*t! Oh, SH*T!" over and over again, while simultaneously laughing and bawling hysterically.
Things started to mellow - slightly - and every object in the room shone with its own aura-like light or energy. The lava lamp, the digital clock, the jewelry box could sense my awareness of them, and they were happy! All this time I had been seeing them only as objects created by man to serve him, and all this time they were really alive and waiting for me to see! They did not have faces or limbs, but they seemed to dance and their vibes were all joyful. I began to hear music, and a deep low voice in my head said,"Now you see, now you see."
The music I heard was like a chorus of angels singing, and seemed so real I thought that it MUST have a source from within the room. I turned my head this way, and that, searching for the source. The sound was stronger as I turned my head to the right..it was slightly behind me...when I turned around to face the corner behind me to the right, there was a lit candle which had been the source of the heavenly sounds!
After a while I came down, and was ready for another hit. This time I kept my eyes open when I blasted off, and saw red faces coming up from left and right as the room folded in on itself from the middle, unfolded and became covered in rows of huge goldish eyeballs. I could see the room, but it was definitely covered in translucent golden eyeballs. I looked at one of my friends, and he stared back at me. His silhouette was outlined in eyes creeping through his aura and a large eye opened up on his forehead. I don't remember anything else from that trip.
After this experience, I have never looked at things the same again. I know now that the most important things are what we have in common, and that EVERYTHING is ALIVE, and that LIFE IS THE GREATEST EQUALIZER. I learned that anything that is, is alive. Anything that can record or transfer information has consciousness. Even rocks, clocks, lights, subatomic particles and computers. Even flames can sing to you.
I learned that even though my boyfriend told me I was just tripping, that THIS world is the illusion, and that what I saw is how things really are..in addition to energy, I saw that everything is connected. People, objects, places, events...everything matters. Since then, I've had many experiences of synchronicity as well...such as, wondering if I'll ever get the chance to buy any more DMT - and then coming across the street value of DMT thread here on the Nexus. After this, I realize that my experience would be once in a lifetime, unless I took the time and had the discipline to extract DMT myself.
I long to share my beautiful experience with everyone, but I know that I must not. Substances, legal or not, have a lot of stigma attached to them. I only tell people I trust, or who are into psychedelics anyway.
All in all, I'm glad I took DMT, it led me here. I'm glad I smoked pot, it led me to my love, and my life, and to DMT as well.
Psychedelics have introduced me to another way of being and thinking, and I feel that they've only added to my life and enjoyment of it.
I went through the DARE program over 10 years ago, and I must say that for myself, in combination with my family's own occasional anti-drug sentiment, it was fairly effective. I resisted temptation to use illicit drugs until the age of 20, and legal drugs like alcohol and tobacco until ages 17 and 19, respectively. However, I had always been curious about drugs, cannabis in particular.
Some of my friends and peers were using drugs like weed, ecstasy, crys, lsd and others by the time I was in middle school, including my first real boyfriend. He was always trying to get me to drink or smoke marijuana, but I always refused. He had successfully manipulated me into having sex, but for some reason I refrained from the substances completely.
However, after learning more about which drugs do what, hearing people's experiences and witnessing the effects which certain drugs had on their lives, I began to make distinctions between drugs that ought never to be used, even once (at least by me), and some that I might like to try. I will list them now:
Marijuana
Ecstasy
LSD
Shrooms
I wasn't aware at the time that most of these are considered psychedelics, and never even imagined that any of them could lead to powerful insights, creative innovations or spiritual bliss. All I knew was that they could make you feel good and smoking weed makes you hungry. (Of course I knew some of the health risks involved with some of these, I had to study them in highschool)
A few years ago I became friends with a fellow art enthusiast (I love to draw and paint) and amateur graff-writer. (he was really good at the time, and well-respected in the local street graff-art community) We talked about drugs, among other things, and marijuana was mentioned more than once. Of course we also flirted here and there, and after a couple months I decided to blow trees for the very first time with him.
He took me to a special spot off of I-5, and we pulled over in a dead-end of a residential area. We walked past the metal bar/gate thingy and up a steep mound of dirt and rocks, like the kind protecting us from the river in the rainy seasons. This place is very beautiful, there is a wide clear field once you come up onto the path, orchards to the north, homes across the canal to the south, and plenty of sky to gaze in awe at and road to walk. We began walking when he pulled out a blunt he had previously rolled and lit it. He took a hit or two, and instructed me on how to hit it when he handed the blunt to me. Now, I had been puffing on a Black & Mild cigar every now and then before this and thought I knew how to smoke...turns out I didn't! I proceeded to suck on the blunt and blow the smoke out after holding it in; I tasted the bitter flavor of the wrap and felt the harshness, but experienced no effects. My mouth began producing excess saliva and I very attractively spat it out so I wouldn't have to taste it. My friend had not smoked cannabis in almost a year, and was pretty stoned. We stopped at Jack In The Box to discuss the experience.
He laughed as he unwrapped his burger when I told him that I was completely sober. We agreed to try again after the snack, and this time he packed some trees into a b&m (he favored these, too) and after walking back up to the path, he explained to me in more detail what I had to do. I brought the cigar to my face, put my mouth to the piece, and inhaled. I pulled the cigar away as I held in the breath as long as I could, which wasn't very long at all, since I really had never smoked anything before and was coughing like crazy on the smoke. Another hit or maybe two and that was it.
We kept walking, and somewhere along the road something strange started happening. I began to feel the strangest sensation...it reminded me of a piece of paper that is curled in one corner, and when there is a breeze it lifts the rest of the paper with it. I felt like I was being tugged rather than lifted, however. Looking back, I remember asking myself if I was starting to feel high, if this was what it's like. I remember feeling nervous, then silly. All of a sudden, my body felt all over as if it were melting sort of. More like, I COULD melt at any moment. My body felt like cookie dough before the flour and baking soda...when it's just the sugar, butter, egg and brown sugar being mixed all together. I felt like I was composed of tiny crystalline grains which now vibrated and undulated beneath my skin. I was laughing hysterically and had to take a break, my heart was beating so hard and so fast.
After we kept walking, I realized I could not fully control what my body was doing. I was on one side of the path, my friend on the other. There was plenty of room, yet we kept bumping into each other. I would consciously move myself as far as possible, and we would still bump in the middle of the road. It was as though we were being pulled together by some strange force, like gravity but..not quite. Eventually, I began to notice how good it felt when our arms touched (even through layers of long sleeves) and how pleasant it felt when our fingers met. I couldn't even think of what was going on, my body wasn't obeying what my mind suggested. So I ignored my mind, and went with the sensations. I had my eyes closed, but I could sense a golden light that seemed to emanate from our beings. Now I had my arms wrapped around him, and he had his around me. I opened my eyes momentarily to break out of the experience and to look up at his face, but when he leaned down to kiss me it seemed so fluid and natural that I eagerly returned it. We kissed deeply, more deeply than I ever had before, it wasn't just physically deep.
After that, I tried to blame it all on the weed and denied my real feelings. But whenever we smoked, we kissed. And eventually, we kissed a lot without it, haha! Anyways, since that day we've been together almost every day. It's been almost 4 years and we are starting a sweet life together.
What does this have to do with DMT and me being here on the Nexus?
My experience with marijuana and with this man led me to it. It made me realize that some drugs are so much more than what it does to you physically, or how goofy it makes you feel.
Fast-forward then rewind to two years ago...
MY FIRST AND so far my ONLY DMT TRIP EXPERIENCE
Two months before, my boyfriend and I broke up, and though we were still seeing eachother and hanging out, he was against getting back together right away. I was heart-broken, and thought for sure that he didn't love me anymore, he was using me for sex and that we weren't going to get back together(he did, he wasn't, we did
). I spent a lot of this time with a good friend of mine who had her first marijuana experience almost a year before mine, and whose first psychedelic experience took place a few months before that when she ate some chocolate covered mushrooms at a bluegrass festival in San Francisco. She, another friend of hers, and I hung out a lot together smoking pot, drinking, and watching movies. FOAF started talking about a drug he'd heard of from a movie called Enter The Void by Gaspar Noe, and the drug was DMT.
My sister and I also smoked a lot together. After her experiences with weed, she tried convincing me to smoke, but I had refused. After I tried it, we smoked together AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, and she told me about her connections from work. She mentioned that one of them had DMT and that she was thinking of trying it. After this conversation, I told my friends about it, because we all wanted to trip.
Eventually, we had the DMT.We met up one night at a Mystical FOAF's apartment. We smoked some marijuana from a glass bong, listened to music and painted while we waited for the DMT and our guide. After his arrival, we gathered into Mystic's bedroom. My friend, our male friend and I sat on the huge soft bed, I was in the middle. We passed around a pipe of marijuana to steady us for the trip, and we were calm. I will skip my friends' experiences, and move straight on to my own.
Mystic instructed me to breathe in slowly and deeply, hold for a few moments, and then to exhale. I did this once or twice until I was ready to take my first hit of DMT. The crystals were packed into the bowl of the bong, mixed with marijuana. Mystic held the bong and lit it for me, and I inhaled deeply. I immediately tasted and smelled something like burned or burning plastic as I felt my throat being mauled by the vapor. I exhaled and began coughing. My vision started to become very strange, my body was buzzing. Mystic offered me another hit, and I refused, I was not able to take another hit, nor did I want to. I leaned back and closed my eyes as the buzzing and whirring intensified...
I could see the smoke when I first exhaled, and saw flashing lights, like a strobe, and a morphing black and white checker pattern as I laid-back. When I closed my eyes it seemed like I was in a vortex-like room with whizzing checkered walls flashing in green, red and blue. A crystal-like sphere occuppied this zone and reflected the patterns and the whizzing lights. Let me mention that I am near-sighted, I need glasses to see things properly, but everything I saw here was crisp and clear.
After a while I opened my eyes and saw everyone in the room. Mystic was trying to speak to me, and as I looked at her and past her she turned pink and changed into a geometric being in a strange pink-colored landscape with a bright light shining through in the horizon.
I floated around in my mind, all the while feeling strange. (I can't remember if eyes were open or closed, or when the following part of the trip took place)I was having the most trippy time of my life, and was reminded of scenes from Being John Malkovich, Waking Life and Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. I began to feel uneasy when I wondered if by some freak coincidence I became the first person to OD on DMT and if I was dead or dying. I thought about it, and decided that from what admittedly little I'd read about DMT, you can't die from it, and that even if I were dying or dead, it was too late to do anything about it and to just let go and find out what happens when we die.
I remember feeling extremely intense euphoria, especially when I opened my eyes and saw that the bedroom had been transformed completely! Objects remained where they were, but they were different. The poster on the walls colors all spiraled into eachother into a living, writhing pattern. The lava lamp on the dresser (the dresser itself and everything on it, also) was covered in tiny little glowing squiggles or worms. The wall behind it wasn't a wall, it was the void. I saw patterns on the walls and ceiling...gold and rainbow colors lit up from within shone and showed me strange symbols. I saw a giant bright pink vine or cord of light boring through the void from up in the ceiling. All the while I had been saying out loud,"Oh sh*t! Oh, SH*T!" over and over again, while simultaneously laughing and bawling hysterically.
Things started to mellow - slightly - and every object in the room shone with its own aura-like light or energy. The lava lamp, the digital clock, the jewelry box could sense my awareness of them, and they were happy! All this time I had been seeing them only as objects created by man to serve him, and all this time they were really alive and waiting for me to see! They did not have faces or limbs, but they seemed to dance and their vibes were all joyful. I began to hear music, and a deep low voice in my head said,"Now you see, now you see."
The music I heard was like a chorus of angels singing, and seemed so real I thought that it MUST have a source from within the room. I turned my head this way, and that, searching for the source. The sound was stronger as I turned my head to the right..it was slightly behind me...when I turned around to face the corner behind me to the right, there was a lit candle which had been the source of the heavenly sounds!
After a while I came down, and was ready for another hit. This time I kept my eyes open when I blasted off, and saw red faces coming up from left and right as the room folded in on itself from the middle, unfolded and became covered in rows of huge goldish eyeballs. I could see the room, but it was definitely covered in translucent golden eyeballs. I looked at one of my friends, and he stared back at me. His silhouette was outlined in eyes creeping through his aura and a large eye opened up on his forehead. I don't remember anything else from that trip.
After this experience, I have never looked at things the same again. I know now that the most important things are what we have in common, and that EVERYTHING is ALIVE, and that LIFE IS THE GREATEST EQUALIZER. I learned that anything that is, is alive. Anything that can record or transfer information has consciousness. Even rocks, clocks, lights, subatomic particles and computers. Even flames can sing to you.
I learned that even though my boyfriend told me I was just tripping, that THIS world is the illusion, and that what I saw is how things really are..in addition to energy, I saw that everything is connected. People, objects, places, events...everything matters. Since then, I've had many experiences of synchronicity as well...such as, wondering if I'll ever get the chance to buy any more DMT - and then coming across the street value of DMT thread here on the Nexus. After this, I realize that my experience would be once in a lifetime, unless I took the time and had the discipline to extract DMT myself.
I long to share my beautiful experience with everyone, but I know that I must not. Substances, legal or not, have a lot of stigma attached to them. I only tell people I trust, or who are into psychedelics anyway.
All in all, I'm glad I took DMT, it led me here. I'm glad I smoked pot, it led me to my love, and my life, and to DMT as well.
Psychedelics have introduced me to another way of being and thinking, and I feel that they've only added to my life and enjoyment of it.