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Absolute beginner with severe depression

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ghost_girl_a

Rising Star
I'm so grateful to have an opportunity to introduce myself. I joined the forum a few months ago but it has been difficult to gather the fortitude to try and put this into words. I have almost no experience with psychedelics. I have extensive experience with severe depression, having been depressed since I can remember, thanks I'm sure in no small part to an extremely invalidating environment in my childhood with multiple experiences with abandonment. I'm really very good at grasping the concept of common humanity, but I've also always lacked a disconnect to the self-compassion that should probably come with that recognition, and so beyond that, I feel pretty isolated from the world.

I'm nearing my 37th birthday and at the moment I find myself living in a beautiful house with an amazing partner to whom I've been married for 5 years, and some close friends. My life feels like I am constantly waking up from a painful surgery with no memory of the pain or violence that just occurred. I have short disassociative episodes, but its also a constant feeling of metaphorically just being stuck. I stopped working last year and right now I have every opportunity to heal myself. At this point, however, I've tried multiple years of talk therapy, 7 different anti-depressants, ketamine infusions (dr.-administered), yoga, exercise, dietary changes, hypnotism, volunteerism, and even religion for a while, but I can't get past a very basic self-loathing that tells me I'm not really worthy of feeling better. I am intensely unhappy with a lot of things about myself; my appearance, my weight, my social skills, etc. These things and the shame I feel for being so ungrateful, because that is what I feel that my depression is at the core, are really harming me. Therapy hasn't really begun to help and I'm so exhausted with introspection without release. I have no idea who I am beyond a basic thread that connects me to a vague desire for gratitude and collective experience.

Early this year I went through multiple phases of eligibility screening for a study on ketamine for depression. Once I didn't get in due to my mild lupus, I began reading about the mechanism of ketamine as an antidepressant, which opened me up to the world of psychedelics. I shared my interest with my psychiatrist but not surprisingly, he had no desire to do psychedelic therapy. Totally understandable. So I've begun to look into DIY psychedelic therapy. I think its possible that only two things can probably help me; a long-term regimen of exercise and psychedelics. For months I read and read and read everything I could find on psychedlics and specifically ayahuasca. Honestly however, it got frustrating to continue to read about what seems like a panacea with so many barriers to achieve. I really can't figure out how I should access the medicine; beyond the emotional preparation which I need to make, I am really at sea on going to Peru vs. finding a ceremony near me vs. going it alone. Although my gut tells me that going it alone isn't the best choice.

As things are, I'm ready to begin reading again, because I know I need to figure this out. I am the only one who can make this choice for myself. I don't know how right or wrong it is to let something like my finances factor into the choice; they are not so great and saving up to go abroad seems rather out of my reach at the moment. Then again, when i didn't get into the ketamine study, we found a way to pay for several ketamine infusions. Unfortunately they helped only minimally. And now we're broke again.

Thanks for reading my intro; I had hoped it would be shorter. I tried to be brutally honest about what I'm feeling without being dramatic. I suppose if 20+ years of therapy has benefitted me at all, its helped me to become open about these things; I hope the truth of my story translates, but its hard to know for sure. Thanks for sharing all the info that is shared here, and the others who share feelings of inadequacy and sadness and self-loathing; thank you for sharing that pain because i know its universal; I certainly feel it too.
 
Welcome!

I just had to add something that happened to me the other week actually!
First of all i have to add that it was maybe over 2 years ago that i did it in this case a pharmahuasca with B. caapi and mimosa tea that turned my life all around i was feeling better then ever at that time afterwards, like i can do anything the world is at my feet sort of feeling.
Well i have been feeling extremly lonely since i dumped my ex 10 months ago and it developed into a depression and even suicide thoughts.
So just about 2 weeks ago i came up to the point where it was either a gun to my head or i drink the sacred tea again and it will make me better.
I knew i should have done it all along but found excuses why not all the time so at last i just decided to do it!
So i did, this was a tea of B. caapi and crystal DMT in a glass of citrus concentrate.
i actually wuzzed out a bit on the dose so i didnt get that fullblown psychedelic experience
but WOW! It felt like it massaged out all bad energies and popped it out of my head like a pimple. i acctually cried all day that day at work becuase i felt so bad, i hated life i hated myself but after my session i actually cried out of happiness and loved my self so much it almost hurted!
right now im still lonely but im on some sort of a baseline, im not depressed anymore.
i will drink again this weekend becuase i know and have known for a long time that it helps me alot! its just amazing! Good luck to you in what ever you choose to do!
 
Hello ghost_girl_a,

Welcome to the Nexus girlfriend, :D. Thank you so much for taking the time to submit such a thorough, well written and edited essay. I know it's not easy for a lot of folks to write these, but I sure do love reading them. I read a lot of essays and a few stand out. I'm going ahead and voting positive for you for immediate promotion and suggest others consider this action too.

I am so sorry your journey has been so difficult. We get one run in this life and I wish I knew the secret to making the absolute best go of it. Definitely trying to remain positive, good diet, keeping connected, good rest, regular sex/masturbation, fitness, etc. never hurt.

Not sure how I feel about psychedelic self therapy, even though I've done it and lots of folks talk about it here. There has been more than once I've gotten into some very very deep water, felt I could have used a therapist for about 8-12 hours of straight, intense work, and didn't have one.

I'm no doctor or counselor and cannot give any medical or other advice. But, it is just common sense to advise that you please be very careful if you choose to work with aya and are taking any sort of medication(s) that have an SSRI effect or have MAOI's contra-indicated.

Also, it behooves saying that you do not need to go to Peru or pay some sort of fake urban "shaman" (sorry, just my predjudice showing through here) to benefit from an ayahuasca ceremony. Check the ayahuasca sub-forum here on the Nexus for lots of information on brewing, trip reports, etc.

I, personally, while not taking any meds with MAOI's contra-indicated found a regular banisteriopsis caapi only (no DMT plants) brew to be very very healing of both moodiness and digestive issues.

So, six months between signing up and your first post - this is a rational person who does not rush into things, :). I'm so glad you introduced yourself and hope you will choose to participate. Join us in chat if you want. Sometimes it's amusing.

Again, welcome to the Nexus.
 
Ghost Girl,

I have a psychology/counseling background (not that that means anything) and so I have obviously studied these types of things in depth. Here's what I can say:

First the use of psychadelics is really a hit or miss type of thing. Sometimes we see things that will help and other things will shatter our reality and send us spiraling into a loop of chaos. I am nobody to tell you what to do but if I were you I would be cautious when making the decision to take psychadelics.

Secondly, doubt and worry are agents of fear. Meditation is something that greatly aids many people just like you to understand themselves better (as well as psychadelics :)). That voice that tells you that you "aren't worthy of feeling better" is what I would suggest you meditate upon. Ask that voice why you aren't worthy of feeling better. That can be a scary place to go for all of us but from there you can deal with what ever problem is causing the issue. Now here is the key:

The key to solving all problems is this: pure unconditional love truly exists in the universe but often times we feel unworthy of it (at least I do). This is where fear comes into play. The key to overcoming any possible problem is to understand and BELIEVE that pure unconditional Mercy exists as well. No voice in your head can stand in the face of that. No matter what answer that voice has for you as to why you are unworthy it doesn't matter because mercy covers EVERYTHING. Even if you aren't worthy you can be forgiven and made worthy of it.

Your job is to BELIEVE it and to FEEL it. Feeling it emotionally is what creates your reality because we live in an emotional world. Once you feel it lock on to that feeling and never let go. Think about it all the time.

Understanding this concept can help you to start to love yourself and that is really what this is all about. I used to feel ashamed about who I was but through a process of realizing where my fear was coming from and understanding that I can be forgiven of my poor choices I learned that I was an incredible person. I am not your judge and I don't know what choices you made to get here but I can tell you that I was a shitty person at one point. I was a hypocritical liar and a selfish person. Maybe you aren't that way but even if you were this bad you can overcome it and become who you want to be.

I hope this helps. I don't mean talk like I know everything but I have seen this work for me countless times. If you want to know more about how to implement this process of healing feel free to message me.
 
Welcome, ghost girl. I found that to be a very brave introduction. Thank you much for posting it. Feel free to post throughout the site.

Understand that psychedelics in general and ayahuasca in particular are really not panaceas. They can be extremely effective tools for self-realization and change, but they can also present a challenging, and sometimes scary and difficult path. There is a middle ground between flying to Peru and going it all alone. It's right here, and you'll find everything you need to know (the good, bad and ugly) to help make the right decision for you.
 
..welcome ghost_girl_a..!:)
I think its possible that only two things can probably help me; a long-term regimen of exercise and psychedelics.
Click to expand...
..i think you're well along the way to understanding your own health care..i would agree partly with that statement, though which psychedelics and in what set and setting, as you're asking about, is important..
as a trained clinical psychologist, i would recommend staying away completely from any SSRIs when experimenting with ayahuasca/dmt, and would instead suggest experimentation with both plant based anti-depressants and dietary changes..
..i think entheogens can offer important insights into patterning, repressed memories, toxins etc..but the process of 'clearing' is not always fun at the time..
i would be very careful with regards to both a) ayahuasca 'shamans' in Peru (many are frauds, lured by tourism, and not safe) ..do very thorough research before trusting one, and better (if you are a woman) to have a woman shaman or assistant present ..be similarly wary of any westerners doing ayahuasca circles in your country..again, many are after the money, and almost None are qualified (in a 'Shamanic sense..i.e. 7 years dieta etc..) ..
i would suggest finding one or two close/trusted friends to investigate the medicine with..and if that fails, then DIY..i have on a few occasions to get over grief..it can be powerful and graceful..if you know the right plants and dosage, and diet, then trust the plants..
lastly, despite the popularity of Ayahusca in the west these days, i think smoked DMT (especially with some harmalas) can be just as effective a healing, processing tool as ayahusca..it's just the shorter duration and fast onset IMO which make it harder to 'work with'..
..often moving through depression can be as much about changing pattern/perspective, as actual physiological causes (diet, brain chemistry etc.)

thank you for your earnest and well thought out intro, and good to have you about..:)
 
Ketamine is one thing I have been facinated with yet never touched..but from my understanding it is the deeper level meta-programming that takes place at the larger dose "k-hole" level that is the most effective for this sort of work. Were you taking fully psychedelic or entheogenic doses of ketamine? You can look into the work of John Lilly for more information on ketamine and meta-programming therapy. You might want to ignore some of his more out there ideas on ketamine though lol..I dunno if they will really be too relevant.

I would definatly exercise and do yoga. If your unhappy with your weight(and actaully are overweight) than that desire for better health is probly not really bad thing or something to resist..I find that when something like that lingers in the back of your mind sticking to a regime that is activly adressing the situation can transform your feelins about it to the point where you see the goal for what it is rather than being stuck feeling bad about your problems..exercise is good anyway for endorphins.

San pedro is great for these kinds of issues as well. Ayahuasca is powerful medicine but it can be very direct and in your face. San pedro works on a different level..it's usually more gentle so can be a good introduction into this sort of work.

You might want to look into the work of Gabor Mate as well. He was working with ayahuasca for therapy before health canada put a stop to it..he deals with addicts but has some really great talks out there about how the addicts he works with all have problems that are rooted in childhood abuse and neglect etc and his ideas on how these issues should be approached etc..he has some great stuff all about early synaptic development in the brain and the levels of key neurotransmitters and how children who are neglected or abused as children end up not having the proper neuro development.. which leads to obvious problems later on in life due to certain imprints forming or not forming in the brain..this leads to depression later on which leads people to seek out drugs like opiates to replace the oxytocin that was not present durring early development. I think much of his recent work was based on his ideas that ayahuasca(in a certain context) can help to create new imprints within the brain.

Welcome to the DMT nexus :)
 
I have a good friend with depression that waxes and wanes. He gets moderate relief all day from a small dose of dmt in the morning. It works better some days than others, but the fact that the changes in his mood are very obvious and abrupt and the mood changes lasts much longer than the his sensory changes or other thought changes and the dose is quite low, it gives me reason to believe that it has some role for some people perhaps even frequent very low dose use.

That said, mind altering substances mixed in with mood disorders and perhaps prescription meds and perhaps other recreational drugs... well it's a uncertainty waiting to happen. What I mean is that if you have bonefide depression and it's more than brief and mild, you can benefit from professional advice and sometimes modern mainstream medicine, as you mention you have. And if you are taking mainstream meds and the type or doses are changing, adding other things makes it hard to know what helps and what doesn't. Just a thought to consider if it applies to you.

Ketamine is so much more of a predictable experience imo. There is no uneasy feeling. I can easily see how it could help depression. Scientific studies confirm that it can in some cases as you have alluded to. It's funny that it was brought up. I had a love affair with K 20 yaers ago, did it a lot as my situation gave me access to it. But I did it for the first time in 20 years last weekend. It was marvelous and I can easily see it being a more predictable healing substance for depression. Nothing from the outside world can bother you when you are there.

good luck in your journey
 
Ghost Girl,

While I may not have all of the answers, I can tell you what keeps the "negative, bad, evil" feelings and thought patterns at bay for me. I know deep within myself that I am good. And with this simple realization the deep depression that I once felt, evaporated. I came to the conclusion that all of the decisions that I have made up to this very moment (good or bad) has led me here, writing a little note to you. As I write, I attempt to project love and compassion which would suggest that I am on the side of good, solidifying my theory. This very simple epiphany that I am good has offered me comfort in the darkest of times and I can assure you those times were black as night and felt like eternity.

The bravery of your intro essay screams "good" so I really feel as though you are capable.

Another thing that holds back the darkness for me is gratitude. When I allow this wonderful feeling to wash over me the results are unparalleled.
In my most humble opinion, I would gently suggest that you attempt to employ these simple philosophies before entering the realm of psychedelics.

These are only things that I CHOOSE to believe and what has worked for me. I wish you nothing but success in your journey and invite any question or skepticism that you might have.

Be well, travel safe.
Much love,
R
 
Having dealt with a few of the issues you meant, namely self-acceptance and the social aspect of life, I'd like to offer my humble input. I would also like to point out that I have a degree in laboratory medicine, which I'm hoping would give a bit more credibility to some aspects of what I'm going to say throughout my post.

I started my psychedelic journey with LSD, slightly off-foot, but I understand now why everything happened the way it happened. I entered the world of psychedelics abruptly, not knowing there even existed this "scene" where I live. Not to digress, the initial trips where rough, with too much rushing into my brain to the point where I couldn't really segregate A from B and think clearly. The reason why I believe psychedelics are very helpful in alleviating depression, aside from the fact that recent medical research indicates psilocybin to be effective in treating depression, is that through certain trains of thought, you really grasp what's important. You really start to see the beauty within every single thing. More importantly, you start to see the beauty that shines within you, because there's light inside all of us, and what's outside is just a form of presentation. That you hold the same beauty as everybody else, if not more. After that becomes clearer, you start letting go societal boundaries, doctrines, and norms. It was a profound mushrooms trip for me, something I would never forget and something that has really changed my life, and they've been shown (medically and anecdotally) to aid in depression and change lives towards the positive. I am very glad to see you choose this route and to let go of pharmaceutical anti-depressants. It's also important, I think, to not put immense hope and expectation behind a certain experience, and just let it flow as naturally as you can, and take it in as positively and as welcoming as you can.

I hope that aided you in some form. All the best.
 
Welcome.

I don't often read introductory essays, but something pulled me to read yours. Most likely it's because I've been a long time sufferer of depression as well, as long as I can remember. I'm talking pre-pubescent. I've been through the gauntlet as you have; plenty of prescribed anti-depressants, years of therapy, even a couple suicide attempts. There was just something inside me that made me feel as if this life wasn't right, that I shouldn't be here, or maybe that I wasn't worthy. I had a terrible childhood and of course that's a contributing factor, but I don't place all the blame on that either. I've suffered from severe migraines and cluster headaches as well, which at my lowest points, was the only time I actually felt "alive", writhing in excruciating pain.

I feel deep empathy for anyone who has endured years of such severe pain, physically or emotionally. I've been through it, and I made it. So can you. Like has been said, psychedelics can be a "hit or miss", can be dangerous even, but they can also be exactly the right thing at the right moment. When I first found Salvia, I was ready to completely give up on life. I had nothing to lose, so I dove in. I took the risk because I figured, "Hell, if it doesn't work I'll wake up the same as I was before. If it does, maybe it'll help. If I lose my mind or kill myself, I wouldn't really care about that either." When we have nothing to lose, we are capable of some really spectacular (and insane) things :D

Just so I'm clear, I'm not really advocating for the use of psychedelics. It was right for me, but it may not be right for you. You seem like a very rational and thoughtful person, so only you can make that decision for yourself. All that said, if you do choose to go forward, you may find some of the healing you so desperately seek. I know I did, and I'm eternally grateful for it.

With the responsible use of psychedelics I am now completely depression free, I no longer have migraines or cluster headaches, and my quality of life is through the roof. I can enjoy my life the way I should have always been able to.

But I regret nothing. I think going through such pain made me the compassionate person I am. I will do anything I can to end someone else's pain. I hope some of my words send you down the path to no more suffering.

There is hope, and you will find it, if you keep searching. Never give up, you're worth much more than that.

My thoughts will be with you. Much Love :love:
 
i would suggest you to start getting a lot of physical excercise everday , like jogging 30-45 and also going to the gym everday or perhaps swimming , i am betting physical excercise if you're atleast in it for two hours everday , is better than any pharmaceutical antidepressants , or therapy

i am a different person the day i don't do physical excercise , physical excercise really gets me high in the most beautiful way possible , sure i smoke cannanis , do psychadelics aswell , however without physical excercise these substances alone cannot heal depression altogether if you're not ready to put some work into it , its long term exposure to psychadelics that got me to this perspective of continuing to do physical excercise everyday

also you can start doing microdoses of ayahuasca , this is the single most medicine that has provided happiness in my life like no other , i have experimented with much (i will not be boasting with details here ) ,

and please don't do ketamine , this is the single most depressive substance after meth that i've discovered ,

also please try to consume less caffiene everyday , this is also very depressive and annoying substance , in a 16 hour awake time caffiene should not be consumed more than three times maximum with an interval of 5 hours before each beverage containing caffiene ( be it coffe , cola or tea ), caffiene leads to more depression if overdoses are consumed , i used to consume a lot of coffee before i figured out why so much depression was happening ,

a healthy body and a healthy mind has less depression to worry about

just cutting back on the caffiene and physical excersise everyday can help one out of depression altogether faster than any other means , as soon you're finished excersing for the day therapy is complete ( the day anyone excersises for 2 hours atleast is the day it will become really hard to be unhappy ) physical excersise is true natural chemical happinness and works fastest

humans in the early ages of the apes were always getting excersise mostly 16 hours a day , traveling , jumping through trees , swimming , hunting for food and living the adventure , modern lazy lifestyle is to blame for depression ,
 
"also please try to consume less caffiene everyday , this is also very depressive and annoying substance"

Yeah caffine is horrible in that sort of a situation in my experience. it is something people often overlook because it can really feel like it's all that gets you goin...combine that situation with chronic stress and depression(I dont know how someone can be depressed without that causing some stress) I can imagine many end up with adrenal insufficiency which makes climbing out of that hole a lot more difficult.

I dont think caffine causes depression for most people though..just sort of runs you down more and drains the system and you get hooked on it going farther and farther downhill..for some people already in that situation anyway.
 
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