Electro Monk
Rising Star
introduction
dear nexus, i think i should start an aphantasia research thread. if not me, whom.
i will start with outlining my personal situation. i will not write this in a mood of complaining or whining, but it will probably appear as such. it cant be helped, this first post will all be about my personal limitations and realizations what it could mean to me.
after all, i am the only test subject i have readily available.
because of this, there can not be comparative research done by me at this point. neither do i have the scientific background to make sense of or safely diagnose what i see. two very similar symptoms can be triggered by very different neurological deficits (like: adhd and aphantasia), and verifying my theories is beyond me.
i have to mention, English is a second language to me, and online translators and dictionaries tend to fail a lot if it comes to science. i try hard to use English words, naming conventions and grammar, and to spell check my writing as good i can. i will not be able to do it perfectly. please forgive me for not believing in capitalization. it distracts me.
i know the nexus has many members that have gathered incredible knowledge in this field. this is a call for help to these that want to contribute.
my background, diagnosis, and selfdiagnosis.
a lot is speculation. many dysfunctions can not be proven or dis-proven short of an (unavailable to me) genetic testing.
its seems evident that traumatization in my mother as well as my personal early child traumatization as well as continued psychological abuse during my childhood and early youth have bonked my serotonin receptors. i suffer from dystemia and depressive episodes. traditional antidepressants like ssri or snri can help in an acute clinical episode, but do not seem to have positive long term effect beyond getting me out of the hole.
maoi on the other hand work extremely well but have proven to have a high risk of inducing a mania (something i think i do not have without hallucinogenics or maoi, i do not think i am bipolar)
i was diagnosed and consequently de-diagnosed with the following personality disorders:
avoidant personality disorder
adhd (tested 3x over the course of my life)
borderline personality disorder
narcissistic personality disorder (yes, defo some sort of narcissism, though anankastic fits better)
antisocial personality disorder
un-de-diagnosed diagnoses:
compulsive personality disorder/anankastic personality disorder - personally i think this seems to fit best, witch is curious because this is the one that idc did not come up with
total visual aphantasia
dystemia
depressions
mania (substance induced)
thoughts, realization, resources i found
i stumbled over this video about neurology. it lead to my first progress in some time. though the topic is impairment of executive neurological functions in adhd, it was extremely revealing under the aspect of aphantasia, that is the absence of one or more imaginary senses, in my case, the visual imagination ability.
it was revealing because it seems to explain how this missing visualization impairs executive functions and causes similar symptoms as adhd. while adhd is considered a hard handicap, and medication (though flawed) exist, neither is the case for aphantasia.
but visual aphantasia seem to affects many neurological functions, among them: decision making, planning and long term storing of memory
my neurologist had never heard about this disability. this does not surprise. aphantasia, though discovered first over 100 years ago, has been forgotten and only been rediscovered some 5 years ago, after a freak accident of some sort robbed a man of his visual imagination after having brain surgery.
my neurologist dismissed this disability outright, and advised me to just ignore it.
i think now, my neurologist need either to familiarize himself with this or stop being my neurologist.i need a specialist, but this dysfunction being only rediscovered, none exist.
and i need different medication. ssri fry my brain and do not help me.
maoi are great but seem to have a high danger of inducing mania, witch then leaves me utterly dysfunctional. when having even mild mania, i lose all capability of communication. i lose the ability to receive and my mind goes to full out send mode. while being desperate for feedback, for getting input and reason to make sense of this scary situation, i am unable to make sense what little i get, and in this mode, i am just toxic to any community.
i want to go to a psychiatry, or maybe Buddhist monastery for a prolonged time to study it and being studied. i want to learn how to deal with it.
but i can not connect images to knowledge or store images as a means of learning abstract facts.
so i cant separate individuals often. if i come to know you and had a few chats with you i probably will remember you. but odds are all the persons i talk to in a chat like on the nexus blur to some sort of super-entity in my mind
i don't know afterwards who was the crazy kid on salvia unable to stop tripping or the dude i talked about philosophy with. i often and more and more feel very retarded.
all this topic is my main reason i started to do hallucinogenics. learning about them, learning about discoveries how they promote neuroplasticity, i hope they could help me to connect these parts of my brain that are not. but it does not seem to work, though i did seem to have made baby step progress. i went from no visuals on psylocibine to mild oev on very high doses, but this could just be a matter of increasing my doses so it does not realy show anything.
in fact, many hallicugenes just do not seem to work at all, or at the least, i require absurd doses to trip. this i have identified as a symptom of my botched serotonin receptors.
example: 9g dried potent cubensis McKennaii + 400mg harmalas maoi induced mild oev.
and while psylocibin makes me very philosophical, and i do think about a LOT of things in light speed while tripping, it does not seem to get me where i want or lead to the conclusion i am looking for.
its also quite difficult to remember then who i liked and whom i did not when talking with persons on internet chats, who seemed to like me and who does not. this then puts me into an extremely vulnerable and scary position at times
request
please read this as a plea for help. if you have the background to contribute, and maybe some time to donate or just curiosity in the matter, please try to help. at this point, finding the right questions appear to be at least as valuable as finding answers.
i do not just ask for myself. this being a widely un- and miss-understood disability, it could affect the life of many others too.
thank you ♥
dear nexus, i think i should start an aphantasia research thread. if not me, whom.
i will start with outlining my personal situation. i will not write this in a mood of complaining or whining, but it will probably appear as such. it cant be helped, this first post will all be about my personal limitations and realizations what it could mean to me.
after all, i am the only test subject i have readily available.
because of this, there can not be comparative research done by me at this point. neither do i have the scientific background to make sense of or safely diagnose what i see. two very similar symptoms can be triggered by very different neurological deficits (like: adhd and aphantasia), and verifying my theories is beyond me.
i have to mention, English is a second language to me, and online translators and dictionaries tend to fail a lot if it comes to science. i try hard to use English words, naming conventions and grammar, and to spell check my writing as good i can. i will not be able to do it perfectly. please forgive me for not believing in capitalization. it distracts me.
i know the nexus has many members that have gathered incredible knowledge in this field. this is a call for help to these that want to contribute.
my background, diagnosis, and selfdiagnosis.
a lot is speculation. many dysfunctions can not be proven or dis-proven short of an (unavailable to me) genetic testing.
its seems evident that traumatization in my mother as well as my personal early child traumatization as well as continued psychological abuse during my childhood and early youth have bonked my serotonin receptors. i suffer from dystemia and depressive episodes. traditional antidepressants like ssri or snri can help in an acute clinical episode, but do not seem to have positive long term effect beyond getting me out of the hole.
maoi on the other hand work extremely well but have proven to have a high risk of inducing a mania (something i think i do not have without hallucinogenics or maoi, i do not think i am bipolar)
i was diagnosed and consequently de-diagnosed with the following personality disorders:
avoidant personality disorder
adhd (tested 3x over the course of my life)
borderline personality disorder
narcissistic personality disorder (yes, defo some sort of narcissism, though anankastic fits better)
antisocial personality disorder
un-de-diagnosed diagnoses:
compulsive personality disorder/anankastic personality disorder - personally i think this seems to fit best, witch is curious because this is the one that idc did not come up with
total visual aphantasia
dystemia
depressions
mania (substance induced)
thoughts, realization, resources i found
i stumbled over this video about neurology. it lead to my first progress in some time. though the topic is impairment of executive neurological functions in adhd, it was extremely revealing under the aspect of aphantasia, that is the absence of one or more imaginary senses, in my case, the visual imagination ability.
it was revealing because it seems to explain how this missing visualization impairs executive functions and causes similar symptoms as adhd. while adhd is considered a hard handicap, and medication (though flawed) exist, neither is the case for aphantasia.
but visual aphantasia seem to affects many neurological functions, among them: decision making, planning and long term storing of memory
my neurologist had never heard about this disability. this does not surprise. aphantasia, though discovered first over 100 years ago, has been forgotten and only been rediscovered some 5 years ago, after a freak accident of some sort robbed a man of his visual imagination after having brain surgery.
my neurologist dismissed this disability outright, and advised me to just ignore it.
i think now, my neurologist need either to familiarize himself with this or stop being my neurologist.i need a specialist, but this dysfunction being only rediscovered, none exist.
and i need different medication. ssri fry my brain and do not help me.
maoi are great but seem to have a high danger of inducing mania, witch then leaves me utterly dysfunctional. when having even mild mania, i lose all capability of communication. i lose the ability to receive and my mind goes to full out send mode. while being desperate for feedback, for getting input and reason to make sense of this scary situation, i am unable to make sense what little i get, and in this mode, i am just toxic to any community.
i want to go to a psychiatry, or maybe Buddhist monastery for a prolonged time to study it and being studied. i want to learn how to deal with it.
but i can not connect images to knowledge or store images as a means of learning abstract facts.
so i cant separate individuals often. if i come to know you and had a few chats with you i probably will remember you. but odds are all the persons i talk to in a chat like on the nexus blur to some sort of super-entity in my mind
i don't know afterwards who was the crazy kid on salvia unable to stop tripping or the dude i talked about philosophy with. i often and more and more feel very retarded.
all this topic is my main reason i started to do hallucinogenics. learning about them, learning about discoveries how they promote neuroplasticity, i hope they could help me to connect these parts of my brain that are not. but it does not seem to work, though i did seem to have made baby step progress. i went from no visuals on psylocibine to mild oev on very high doses, but this could just be a matter of increasing my doses so it does not realy show anything.
in fact, many hallicugenes just do not seem to work at all, or at the least, i require absurd doses to trip. this i have identified as a symptom of my botched serotonin receptors.
example: 9g dried potent cubensis McKennaii + 400mg harmalas maoi induced mild oev.
and while psylocibin makes me very philosophical, and i do think about a LOT of things in light speed while tripping, it does not seem to get me where i want or lead to the conclusion i am looking for.
its also quite difficult to remember then who i liked and whom i did not when talking with persons on internet chats, who seemed to like me and who does not. this then puts me into an extremely vulnerable and scary position at times
request
please read this as a plea for help. if you have the background to contribute, and maybe some time to donate or just curiosity in the matter, please try to help. at this point, finding the right questions appear to be at least as valuable as finding answers.
i do not just ask for myself. this being a widely un- and miss-understood disability, it could affect the life of many others too.
thank you ♥