Hello,
It's great to have found this site, and the very positive and helpful community here.
Hmmn, there is a lot I want to say, but I will keep to the main points!
Growing up, I was always questioning things, easily distracted in school, but also had a lot of fear and self criticism. I envied kids that seemed comfortable in their own skin and fit in, and could do as they were told. Much of my life was 'faking it to make it', with personal dissociations into my own worlds as relief (via daydreaming, video games & dungeons and dragons etc.), as I tried to work out and deal with this thing we call life. Eventually I encountered alcohol, and it quickly became a substitute for and escape from life for me.
Saying that, I maintained a professional career as a software developer throughout the years of my drinking, carnage and a near death close call that resulted from that addiction. I had heard about Ibogaine via a Law and Order episode, pretty much at the same time I read about it on an online forum. Things worked out in a miraculous way such that I was soon in Canada to receive a flood+ dose of TA to help me recover. I had quit cold turkey before, and tried AA (was too scrambled to get it then), but this Ibogaine I felt would get me to also deal with my deeper problems. It turned out to be something way beyond all my expectations.
Not only did I detox, and get the 'ibo-glow' aferwords, my experience and visions consisted of experiencing the feelings and perspective of others that I had hurt in the past, as I hurt them (notably a girl at work I had a huge crush on, who I had stood up in the past because I was nervous and figured she didnt really like me!!). A rebirth experience that showed me as a precious, yet minute part of vastly larger and beautiful interconnected whole. The joyous feeling of insignificance with beautiful connectedness to a vastly larger whole transcended anything I had every felt or thought about before that. The rebirth experience also involved me as a baby/foetus hugging The Tree of Life, protected by it, as well as my soul passing through a 'birth canal' as a symbol of reincarnation/immortality of the soul. This showed me not to fear death, and that I was loved by God. The experience also revealed to me that I had a soul/true-self separate from the physiological mind/ego + body.
The iboga experience had helped clear my head and remove the fear, as to what courses of action I needed to take. Unfortunately I didn't do the work required, and I drank again on an escape to a Caribbean beach 8 months later, even though I didn't really feel like a drink. I had AA related literature I had received after my treatment, but never read. Soon as I got back from holiday, I ordered ibogaine to administer myself for detox, and started to read the AA literature.
For me, the AA message resonated strongly with the experience I had received on iboga. Not surprisingly I found out, since the AA message revolves around developing a spiritual connectedness to a 'higher power' to transcend the problems that start at the level of individual mind/ego + body.
The second flood dose was a much more carthartic trip. It seemed I was scolded for 'coming back' so soon and not 'doing the business'. There were some pretty horrible visions (disembowelment even), that started with a grim reaper type figure pulling a sheet before my breakthrough who took me to a dark place. This it appeared was my life if I kept making the weak decisions with fear, and kept acting like a stubborn self centered child. I finally understood who I really was and how I was acting, no ego bubble, just truth. It was intense, and although I received the nurturing second phase of the trip, there was also an acute purging of tears, spit and bile that felt like an exorcism as all this stuff and realization came out of me. After this I felt exceptionally well, but grateful and humble.
Since then I have been in recovery, made some brave decisions, and real life has been incomparably better.
My practical curiosity about entheogens and nature/reality in general increased dramatically. A friend who takes trips out to the northern wilds to grab every kind of fungi brought me a bag of Amanita Muscaria caps. I tried smaller doses of these (had read about the insane trips large doses can give), and only had very mild vision changes if any. I did sleep incredibly well with lucid dreams, and was focused, insightful and relaxed for a few days afterwords. Despite a little sweating for a couple of hours after taking them, I found the overall experience very good.
Recently had read Breaking Open The Head by Daniel Pinchbeck, and my curiosity came back to DMT & ayahuasca again. Had read much about these before I even found out about Iboga.
Researched Erowid and also lurked here researching, and so ended up buying some Mimosa and Syrian Rue to try a variant of Ayahuasca.
Friday before last, I made the brew, but had a funny feeling my scale was off, since I seemed to use a 1/4 of a 100g bag of mimosa, for what the scale reporting as 13g! My girlfriend and sitter came over with her scale and indeed I had made a 26g mimosa brew + 8g syrian rue brew, as my scale was reporting 1/2 the actual!! I stored that mimosa brew (about 2 cups worth), and recommenced with a 13g mimosa brew proper. Why on earth I felt that 13g was good for a first trip, was probably because (1) I wanted to compensate for my lack of skill with brewing, (2) I really should of lurked here more and asked questions before doing this!
The day before I had found out some stressful personal news about someone significant in my life, and I was in a real bad head space that evening, but after fasting for 24 hours, I decided to go on with it. I sipped 8g of syrian rue tea, followed 1/2 hour later by sipping nearly a whole cup of 13g mimosa.
It hit me within 30 minutes of taking the mimosa. Due to my head space, I became scared and insecure, I immediately felt guilty about putting my girlfriend through this, as I felt the Titantic was coming, and I didn't want to go anymore. Waves, and rolling patterns, colors and tracers. I saw a female with flowing hair fly by (a faerie?) say 'he took a big dose, take care of him'.
Patterns and solid objects appeared, and reliving past events, I saw how different people really saw through my facade, as if my ego was being disseminated (similar in some ways to ibogaine). I saw candyland visuals of my girlfriend all shiny, and the room distort.
Finally I purged, but only a small amount of bile came out from deep within my bowls. This launched me even further. I could barely walk, and felt cold, got back to bed, and I saw crazy fast green hued visuals flashing violently in streams in front of me, with my eyes open. I felt a sense of deja vu, that I had encountered this before. I saw a tunnel, but did not want to go through. I kept my eyes open, fighting to hold on. Everytime I closed my eyes, there were powerful visuals, and I felt I was getting pulled out of myself to go somewhere. The more I fought this, the more I felt the 'vines' lock around my jaws and neck, it was scary. I saw these frenzied entities around me, insanely fast, trying to loosen my grip or something, or maybe trying to pry my 'head'/mind open. I was really tired and felt like I was going to lose consciousness, probably due to me over-fasting and the fight I was putting up to not let go. I saw the 'real' world fade into dark blue dim. My emotions and visuals were a roller coaster ride.
This went on for some time, and I experienced intense open eyed visuals, like my ceiling artex turning into a shuffling bubbling digital landscape, and saw machine like visuals and circuits transforming into vines and leaves. There was an impersonal 'mechanical' aspect to some of the visuals. The tree outside seem to form more limbs/appendages and reach down towards the window to watch over me.
My girlfriend layed next to me, attentatively, and I saw and felt her aura penetrate me, it felt warm, but something seemed to pull my head and body away from her, and she got up and left me. I noticed that when she came into the room and I payed attention to her, that I would feel uncomfortable and purge again. I felt so bad, I apologized to her. Subsequently I've read that ayahausca is a known as a 'jealous' spirit, in that it wants the undivided attention of the person taking the medicine.
3 hours later, I was extremely relieved to have weathered the storm. The 2nd part of the trip was reflective and peaceful, where I was given some insight about the nature of things, it was humbling. That the experience was much more than the fancy visuals, that they served a deeper purpose. Even though I had not drunk any water in over 16 hours, I purged the other way continuously in the morning. I have felt physically much better since then, and I no longer drink caffeine (was drinking up to 6 cups a day), though my psyche was in a funk for a number of days. The experience helped me see/get some things that I needed to see, which I integrated into my recovery program and meditations with renewed vigor. Later that week, after praying on these issues, thanks to God, the funk and the underlying issues that were causing them were banished.
(Okay, this is really an essay now, so I will wrap up!)
I want to try ayahuasca again, next time with a lower dose, and in a more sensible headspace, where I can let go and let the medicine take me. Eventually I would like to try DMT itself, but I am patient. From my experience, I believe that these substances (iboga, ayahausca etc..) unlock spiritual/higher realms, and thus need to be respected. I have noticed that integrating the experiences with a more broader program of action is where the
benefits really happen.
I have questions for the many knowledgeable people here, but those can wait. Thanks for reading.
It's great to have found this site, and the very positive and helpful community here.
Hmmn, there is a lot I want to say, but I will keep to the main points!
Growing up, I was always questioning things, easily distracted in school, but also had a lot of fear and self criticism. I envied kids that seemed comfortable in their own skin and fit in, and could do as they were told. Much of my life was 'faking it to make it', with personal dissociations into my own worlds as relief (via daydreaming, video games & dungeons and dragons etc.), as I tried to work out and deal with this thing we call life. Eventually I encountered alcohol, and it quickly became a substitute for and escape from life for me.
Saying that, I maintained a professional career as a software developer throughout the years of my drinking, carnage and a near death close call that resulted from that addiction. I had heard about Ibogaine via a Law and Order episode, pretty much at the same time I read about it on an online forum. Things worked out in a miraculous way such that I was soon in Canada to receive a flood+ dose of TA to help me recover. I had quit cold turkey before, and tried AA (was too scrambled to get it then), but this Ibogaine I felt would get me to also deal with my deeper problems. It turned out to be something way beyond all my expectations.
Not only did I detox, and get the 'ibo-glow' aferwords, my experience and visions consisted of experiencing the feelings and perspective of others that I had hurt in the past, as I hurt them (notably a girl at work I had a huge crush on, who I had stood up in the past because I was nervous and figured she didnt really like me!!). A rebirth experience that showed me as a precious, yet minute part of vastly larger and beautiful interconnected whole. The joyous feeling of insignificance with beautiful connectedness to a vastly larger whole transcended anything I had every felt or thought about before that. The rebirth experience also involved me as a baby/foetus hugging The Tree of Life, protected by it, as well as my soul passing through a 'birth canal' as a symbol of reincarnation/immortality of the soul. This showed me not to fear death, and that I was loved by God. The experience also revealed to me that I had a soul/true-self separate from the physiological mind/ego + body.
The iboga experience had helped clear my head and remove the fear, as to what courses of action I needed to take. Unfortunately I didn't do the work required, and I drank again on an escape to a Caribbean beach 8 months later, even though I didn't really feel like a drink. I had AA related literature I had received after my treatment, but never read. Soon as I got back from holiday, I ordered ibogaine to administer myself for detox, and started to read the AA literature.
For me, the AA message resonated strongly with the experience I had received on iboga. Not surprisingly I found out, since the AA message revolves around developing a spiritual connectedness to a 'higher power' to transcend the problems that start at the level of individual mind/ego + body.
The second flood dose was a much more carthartic trip. It seemed I was scolded for 'coming back' so soon and not 'doing the business'. There were some pretty horrible visions (disembowelment even), that started with a grim reaper type figure pulling a sheet before my breakthrough who took me to a dark place. This it appeared was my life if I kept making the weak decisions with fear, and kept acting like a stubborn self centered child. I finally understood who I really was and how I was acting, no ego bubble, just truth. It was intense, and although I received the nurturing second phase of the trip, there was also an acute purging of tears, spit and bile that felt like an exorcism as all this stuff and realization came out of me. After this I felt exceptionally well, but grateful and humble.
Since then I have been in recovery, made some brave decisions, and real life has been incomparably better.
My practical curiosity about entheogens and nature/reality in general increased dramatically. A friend who takes trips out to the northern wilds to grab every kind of fungi brought me a bag of Amanita Muscaria caps. I tried smaller doses of these (had read about the insane trips large doses can give), and only had very mild vision changes if any. I did sleep incredibly well with lucid dreams, and was focused, insightful and relaxed for a few days afterwords. Despite a little sweating for a couple of hours after taking them, I found the overall experience very good.
Recently had read Breaking Open The Head by Daniel Pinchbeck, and my curiosity came back to DMT & ayahuasca again. Had read much about these before I even found out about Iboga.
Researched Erowid and also lurked here researching, and so ended up buying some Mimosa and Syrian Rue to try a variant of Ayahuasca.
Friday before last, I made the brew, but had a funny feeling my scale was off, since I seemed to use a 1/4 of a 100g bag of mimosa, for what the scale reporting as 13g! My girlfriend and sitter came over with her scale and indeed I had made a 26g mimosa brew + 8g syrian rue brew, as my scale was reporting 1/2 the actual!! I stored that mimosa brew (about 2 cups worth), and recommenced with a 13g mimosa brew proper. Why on earth I felt that 13g was good for a first trip, was probably because (1) I wanted to compensate for my lack of skill with brewing, (2) I really should of lurked here more and asked questions before doing this!
The day before I had found out some stressful personal news about someone significant in my life, and I was in a real bad head space that evening, but after fasting for 24 hours, I decided to go on with it. I sipped 8g of syrian rue tea, followed 1/2 hour later by sipping nearly a whole cup of 13g mimosa.
It hit me within 30 minutes of taking the mimosa. Due to my head space, I became scared and insecure, I immediately felt guilty about putting my girlfriend through this, as I felt the Titantic was coming, and I didn't want to go anymore. Waves, and rolling patterns, colors and tracers. I saw a female with flowing hair fly by (a faerie?) say 'he took a big dose, take care of him'.
Patterns and solid objects appeared, and reliving past events, I saw how different people really saw through my facade, as if my ego was being disseminated (similar in some ways to ibogaine). I saw candyland visuals of my girlfriend all shiny, and the room distort.
Finally I purged, but only a small amount of bile came out from deep within my bowls. This launched me even further. I could barely walk, and felt cold, got back to bed, and I saw crazy fast green hued visuals flashing violently in streams in front of me, with my eyes open. I felt a sense of deja vu, that I had encountered this before. I saw a tunnel, but did not want to go through. I kept my eyes open, fighting to hold on. Everytime I closed my eyes, there were powerful visuals, and I felt I was getting pulled out of myself to go somewhere. The more I fought this, the more I felt the 'vines' lock around my jaws and neck, it was scary. I saw these frenzied entities around me, insanely fast, trying to loosen my grip or something, or maybe trying to pry my 'head'/mind open. I was really tired and felt like I was going to lose consciousness, probably due to me over-fasting and the fight I was putting up to not let go. I saw the 'real' world fade into dark blue dim. My emotions and visuals were a roller coaster ride.
This went on for some time, and I experienced intense open eyed visuals, like my ceiling artex turning into a shuffling bubbling digital landscape, and saw machine like visuals and circuits transforming into vines and leaves. There was an impersonal 'mechanical' aspect to some of the visuals. The tree outside seem to form more limbs/appendages and reach down towards the window to watch over me.
My girlfriend layed next to me, attentatively, and I saw and felt her aura penetrate me, it felt warm, but something seemed to pull my head and body away from her, and she got up and left me. I noticed that when she came into the room and I payed attention to her, that I would feel uncomfortable and purge again. I felt so bad, I apologized to her. Subsequently I've read that ayahausca is a known as a 'jealous' spirit, in that it wants the undivided attention of the person taking the medicine.
3 hours later, I was extremely relieved to have weathered the storm. The 2nd part of the trip was reflective and peaceful, where I was given some insight about the nature of things, it was humbling. That the experience was much more than the fancy visuals, that they served a deeper purpose. Even though I had not drunk any water in over 16 hours, I purged the other way continuously in the morning. I have felt physically much better since then, and I no longer drink caffeine (was drinking up to 6 cups a day), though my psyche was in a funk for a number of days. The experience helped me see/get some things that I needed to see, which I integrated into my recovery program and meditations with renewed vigor. Later that week, after praying on these issues, thanks to God, the funk and the underlying issues that were causing them were banished.
(Okay, this is really an essay now, so I will wrap up!)
I want to try ayahuasca again, next time with a lower dose, and in a more sensible headspace, where I can let go and let the medicine take me. Eventually I would like to try DMT itself, but I am patient. From my experience, I believe that these substances (iboga, ayahausca etc..) unlock spiritual/higher realms, and thus need to be respected. I have noticed that integrating the experiences with a more broader program of action is where the
benefits really happen.
I have questions for the many knowledgeable people here, but those can wait. Thanks for reading.
