I had been thinking about finding the perfect time to break through for the first time (I had done some low dose experimenting and am experienced with other psychedelics) and I thought I had found it, at 2pm, 2 hours before work. I did some basic meditating to clear my mind, put 45mg weighed on a mg scale in a bong sandwhiched between two non-psychoactive herbs. Lights were turned off.
I felt it creeping up on me before I cleared the bowl. I like to blow smoke through a filter when I am inside so my place doesn't smell. When I cleared the bowl my mind starting thinking faster than normal, "I'm supposed to blow it through the filter. Find the filter. Fast." I believed I was thinking that so I could go lie down in bed as soon as possible to initiate the break through (I've read and identified that physical distractions can prevent a breakthrough, such as standing or sitting uncomfortably). I relaxed after I blew through the filter.
Then I forgot what I was supposed to do, and my mind started to race faster and fast, starting out slowly and getting faster with each thought. It was worrysome that I did not know what I was supposed to do and caused great tension and even a sence of panic. I did not forget I did DMT, but I did only think about it after I started to worry about why I was feeling very panicky. After I told myself I had just inhaled DMT I then worried about why I was having a bad trip, then I worried about why i was unable to control my mind from panicking, then I was worried about my panicking, then I really had no fucking clue what I was supposed to do (forgot about the DMT again), I lost sence of time and physical space (even though I had vision of my world, but at one point for a short moment I thought I was only thoughts (at the very peak of my panick), with each thought comming faster and increasing my panic and fear.
But soon after this peak I recalled I had done DMT and I was supposed to jump into bed. I relaxed a bit, took off my clothes automatically without thinking about it even though I put them on because I would have been cold, jumped into bed, immidiently regretted my decision about the clohtes, thought about putting them back on, saying no i just need to be in bed. At this point there were no visual effects, almost. I believed that my mind was causing this. At this point I thought that maybe it was over and I got out of bed. I believe then I started panicking again, but this time about whether or not I was going to be late for work. I could not understand the concept of 2 hours, its not that I didnt know if I had work really soon even though I only took the DMT less than 5 minutes ago, but it was that 1 hour and 55 minutes was uncomprehendable by me and I didnt know if work was soon or not. Then I paniced about what I was supposed to do next. What should I be doing right now.
When the panic wore off, the visuals came back and they were extreamly beautiful. Then I noticed that they began to "take over my perspective (take over how I would normally read the visual programming language, by which I meant I thought shapes were colors, they were one (thats definitly not the right way to put it in words, however), and I felt like I was about to snap out of this reality but never did. The visual hallucenations were much more intense than any other psychedelic I have tried so far.
I decided I should get back in bed with the lights off and make the most out of it. When I closed my eyes I saw or visually thought that "tendrals" if that is the write word were curling around somethin on the left and right parts of my vision.
It creeped me out and I got out of bed, took a walk. Decided I need to do smoething. I have to do something. I have to smoke. No cigarettes, lets drive to get them, can't drive on DMT, need cigarette, need to do something. This calmed down after a minute, however.
I was then left emotional and confused for about 40 minutes and smoked marijuana which made me feel emotionally better. All mental effects completely gone at the 45 minute mark.
Now, I have thought about it, and my best guess is that I had an anxiety attack, induced by both the DMT and the pscyhological thoughts I was having, which prevented breakthrough and any euphoria I normally associate with low dose DMT. I believe that if I can control my psychological thoughts, the DMT won't cause me to go into panic mode again. I need both of them to cause the panic attack. Then I tried to determine what psychological thoughts I had that caused the anxiety attack. I noticed a reoccuring theme that I always felt it was ABSOLUTLEY necessary for me to be doing something. I had to be doing something, getting something done. I also was fearing that I had no clue what needed to be done. That fear of not knowing what needed to be done bothered me a great deal. The time issue bothered me as well. I believe that if I have trouble grapsing the concept of two hours and that experience certainly didn't go as how I intended, I should not do DMT if I have a responsibility or even later on in the day so this won't cause me any trouble. The filter was also an issue too.
From these conclusions I can generate a general theory of what I should do next time: Blast off if there are no responsibilities for the rest of the evening, do not worry about the filter for the smell of smoke, remember ahead of blast off time that last time I had trouble with feelings of not knowing what to do next, and that it was ok if I did not know what was next, I was blasting off and all I had to do was lie in bed and let the DMT do the rest of the work and not resist it.
Maybe I would benefit with a notebook that said "You are on DMT, you are preparing to blast off, let the DMT do the job, don't fight it, don't worry about what is next. You will see when you release yourself." or something to look off if my thoughts get in the way.
Does anyone else see this in a different perspective? I would love to hear what you have to think.
For those of who can relate to anxious thoughts stopping, haltering, or making a trip unpleasant, please share what has helped you conquer that.
Thank you!
I felt it creeping up on me before I cleared the bowl. I like to blow smoke through a filter when I am inside so my place doesn't smell. When I cleared the bowl my mind starting thinking faster than normal, "I'm supposed to blow it through the filter. Find the filter. Fast." I believed I was thinking that so I could go lie down in bed as soon as possible to initiate the break through (I've read and identified that physical distractions can prevent a breakthrough, such as standing or sitting uncomfortably). I relaxed after I blew through the filter.
Then I forgot what I was supposed to do, and my mind started to race faster and fast, starting out slowly and getting faster with each thought. It was worrysome that I did not know what I was supposed to do and caused great tension and even a sence of panic. I did not forget I did DMT, but I did only think about it after I started to worry about why I was feeling very panicky. After I told myself I had just inhaled DMT I then worried about why I was having a bad trip, then I worried about why i was unable to control my mind from panicking, then I was worried about my panicking, then I really had no fucking clue what I was supposed to do (forgot about the DMT again), I lost sence of time and physical space (even though I had vision of my world, but at one point for a short moment I thought I was only thoughts (at the very peak of my panick), with each thought comming faster and increasing my panic and fear.
But soon after this peak I recalled I had done DMT and I was supposed to jump into bed. I relaxed a bit, took off my clothes automatically without thinking about it even though I put them on because I would have been cold, jumped into bed, immidiently regretted my decision about the clohtes, thought about putting them back on, saying no i just need to be in bed. At this point there were no visual effects, almost. I believed that my mind was causing this. At this point I thought that maybe it was over and I got out of bed. I believe then I started panicking again, but this time about whether or not I was going to be late for work. I could not understand the concept of 2 hours, its not that I didnt know if I had work really soon even though I only took the DMT less than 5 minutes ago, but it was that 1 hour and 55 minutes was uncomprehendable by me and I didnt know if work was soon or not. Then I paniced about what I was supposed to do next. What should I be doing right now.
When the panic wore off, the visuals came back and they were extreamly beautiful. Then I noticed that they began to "take over my perspective (take over how I would normally read the visual programming language, by which I meant I thought shapes were colors, they were one (thats definitly not the right way to put it in words, however), and I felt like I was about to snap out of this reality but never did. The visual hallucenations were much more intense than any other psychedelic I have tried so far.
I decided I should get back in bed with the lights off and make the most out of it. When I closed my eyes I saw or visually thought that "tendrals" if that is the write word were curling around somethin on the left and right parts of my vision.
It creeped me out and I got out of bed, took a walk. Decided I need to do smoething. I have to do something. I have to smoke. No cigarettes, lets drive to get them, can't drive on DMT, need cigarette, need to do something. This calmed down after a minute, however.
I was then left emotional and confused for about 40 minutes and smoked marijuana which made me feel emotionally better. All mental effects completely gone at the 45 minute mark.
Now, I have thought about it, and my best guess is that I had an anxiety attack, induced by both the DMT and the pscyhological thoughts I was having, which prevented breakthrough and any euphoria I normally associate with low dose DMT. I believe that if I can control my psychological thoughts, the DMT won't cause me to go into panic mode again. I need both of them to cause the panic attack. Then I tried to determine what psychological thoughts I had that caused the anxiety attack. I noticed a reoccuring theme that I always felt it was ABSOLUTLEY necessary for me to be doing something. I had to be doing something, getting something done. I also was fearing that I had no clue what needed to be done. That fear of not knowing what needed to be done bothered me a great deal. The time issue bothered me as well. I believe that if I have trouble grapsing the concept of two hours and that experience certainly didn't go as how I intended, I should not do DMT if I have a responsibility or even later on in the day so this won't cause me any trouble. The filter was also an issue too.
From these conclusions I can generate a general theory of what I should do next time: Blast off if there are no responsibilities for the rest of the evening, do not worry about the filter for the smell of smoke, remember ahead of blast off time that last time I had trouble with feelings of not knowing what to do next, and that it was ok if I did not know what was next, I was blasting off and all I had to do was lie in bed and let the DMT do the rest of the work and not resist it.
Maybe I would benefit with a notebook that said "You are on DMT, you are preparing to blast off, let the DMT do the job, don't fight it, don't worry about what is next. You will see when you release yourself." or something to look off if my thoughts get in the way.
Does anyone else see this in a different perspective? I would love to hear what you have to think.
For those of who can relate to anxious thoughts stopping, haltering, or making a trip unpleasant, please share what has helped you conquer that.
Thank you!
thanks for the post!
