I had to visit the DMT Nexus chat/emergency room on Friday due to a trip gone very wrong. I was helped a lot—it’s even possible my life was saved—by the kind people there. I was too far gone to know or remember everyone who stepped up to help (some were goofing a bit, and they were a help too, lol), but anrchy stood out as someone who consistently and intently tried to help. I deeply appreciate that, and I offer much thanks to him, and to anybody else who was there and I can’t remember.
I PM’ed with anrchy today and filled him in more on what went on, and he wanted me to write a trip report, so here it is. Perhaps it will give help or insight to another beginner who might be having a hard time.
The substance was the “McKenna” cubensis variety. Some call them the “penis envy” strain. I’ve been growing them—and drying them. I use a dehydrator with a low setting (95 F), and dry them cracker dry (24 hours). They reduce at about 14:1. The one measured batch I did went from 50 grams to 3.6 grams. My first flush of 20 cakes produced 36 grams dry.
The drugs-forum gives some suggested dosages for this strain:
Beginner: 0.4 grams
Full Dose: 1.6 grams
Massive Dose: 2.4 - 3.2 grams
On my first trip last Wednesday (ten days ago) I took 1 gram. On Friday night I took about 2.1 grams.
I prepared tea by first grinding the broken up shrooms to talc consistency using a mortar and pestle. Then (I used less with the 1 gram dose) I poured into them (bare) 1 cup of boiled water and the juice of 1 small lemon and 1 small lime. Steeped that for 5-8 minutes, with stirring, and then poured it through 2-3 coffee filters (which takes a few minutes). I also gave the filters some good squeezing, leaving only the “grounds” in them. Then I poured another 1 cup of boiled water backwards through them and steeped some more—this time without any lemon or lime. And filtered that into the first tea. By the time I was done there was only very little powder left—it was ground so fine that somehow most of it ended up in the tea. Doesn’t taste bad at all with all the lemon and lime in it. I gulped it down over a short period.
On to the trips. Both trips had a similar structure:
Stage 1: Misery, sickness, wooziness coming in waves. Lasts about 20 minutes
Stage 2: Colors, etc., when closing my eyes.
Stage 3: The pressing and crushing. I’ve seen described here people talking about breakthrough experiences when vaping, and I took these to be similar to that. It was the feeling of psychologically trying to “break through” something. That you need to “pop through” and then it will stop. There’s also a humming going on with that.
Stage 4: A serene period where thoughts and feelings resolve into “visions” and insights.
In my first trip, Stage 3 was relatively minor. Stage 4 was very uplifting. I ended up in a golden room at a golden pool, and it was like my consciousness had dissolved into the liquid in the pool and what was left of me (dressed in sort of Roman bath-house diapers!) standing there, free of all psychic/emotional pain, problems, troubles. It was like my personality had turned to liquid, all the bad stuff had vented away, and I was left like a sort of “god” who could live free of any difficulty. I had the realization that I would be able to create this in myself anytime in the future by simply “dropping” whatever pain I had. The idea was that pain is a problem only because we actually cling to it.
Trip 1 was a good experience, and although I felt I didn’t really “make the most of it” through inexperience, still it was positive. The days following were filled with bliss and serenity.
Before getting on to Trip 2 I need to present the problem: I do have somewhat elevated blood pressure. I don’t take meds for it, because I know the cure is in getting in better shape, but…
So, I happen to have some enalapril from a time when one of my dogs was ill, and I’ve thought I might make use of that to make tripping a bit safer. Also, the decision to go Friday night was an impulse. I had thought about it earlier in the week (and BTW, I also have a light cold—and so I thought I should put it off). Then things started to go kinda downhill. I ground the shrooms and took 20 mg of enalapril, but my BP wasn’t going down. I realized I didn’t have lemon/lime, so I had to go to the store. And then for the next two hours I’m constantly checking my BP, and it’s not going down—and even getting higher: once it was 158/109! And I’m frustrated that I ground the shrooms but I’m not using them, and they’ll go bad…
Finally, BP got down to 13x/89, and I figured I was at a safe level. But I was also hyped by then, rushed, etc. Just a BAD PLACE to start from (and in the back of my mind was fear that BP was even higher than usual).
Well…
Trip 2 had a stage 3 like a bulldozer—a galaxy sized bulldozer. It felt like the entire universe was sitting on my face, and I knew (or thought I knew) that I had to “let go,” but each time I did that a little, it felt like what I was going to be letting go of was my life. I just felt physically bad and, because of my inexperience, I couldn’t be sure whether it was “just the trip” or that my body was hurting. I struggled through that, but it was tough: I was taking a serious beating that I couldn’t get away from. Also, when my eyes were closed it was obvious that a BIG light show was in store for me, but that ALSO required “letting go,” and I couldn’t let it happen…
On to stage 4…
I thought maybe the worst was over, but I wasn’t aware of how strong things were going to get. I ended up sort of in the same “room” again but…oh my; things were different. First of all, I was in there whether my eyes were opened or closed. I could sort of see my room with my eyes open, but it wasn’t different from “the” room—or vice versa. I really couldn’t tell. And what was in that room with me was NOTHING. The big nothing. And I was quickly becoming nothing. I was just going out like a flame—except, not completely. There was a tiny bit of me left, and that bit was just some shitty, worthless piece of my ego. And it was HELL. I was trapped in this room, and either I was going to be trapped there for ETERNITY as a worthless piece of shit, or DIE stupidly, as a worthless piece of shit, or get out of it and then have to LIVE as a worthless piece of shit. I felt like the whole of me was so completely small and worthless that ALL LIFE was just a stupid cosmic joke. The room was so VOID and SILENT, and there was nothing of VALUE to seek or grasp, including myself—and man was I trapped there.
Also this time the room wasn’t golden, it was a very stark white. And I got up to try to move around, and walked around my house, and it looked like some stark and naked FACTORY, with a friggin WHITE SEARCHLIGHT shining down on me wherever I went. It was so stark and naked and bare—it’s difficult to express.
So, I did think I was dying. Yet, I could walk around easily, and I didn’t feel “anything” in my body. I had this the first trip, too—my body feels so light and free. But in a way it’s scary because it makes me feel like I’m out of touch—so I won’t be aware if there’s a problem.
The main thing though, was that there practically was no “me.” Here I am, walking around, etc., and I’m hardly there—just some tiny remnants of something keeping my mind alive. Finally, sometimes there was nothing at all—and the feeling of losing everything. And it seemed to be getting worse. That’s when I got on the nexus. It seemed like it took me forever to find the damn chat link…
While I’m on the nexus I’m trying to take my BP with a wrist monitor—but I now also can’t really get my body to work right, and that has me worried, too. I first got a high reading (170/110 or something), then a couple of minutes later I tried again, and got an ERROR—like…it means your heart is beating irregularly. That was BAD. That’s when I started talking about whether I should call 911. A little while later I tried again, and it gave a reasonable reading, so I thought I was OK. I started to come down just a bit (somebody suggested sugar—and I found powdered sugar in a cabinet and poured about a cupful in a glass put some water in and drank, LOL). Somebody also suggested hydration, and I DID realize then I was quite thirsty; so I drank a lot of water, too. I still felt horrible, though.
Fifteen minutes later it was clear I was probably gonna be OK…
So…it took at least another hour to come down to some REASONABLE place—and even after that, waves of…something…maybe anxiety, came over me, along with tripping sort of experiences/feelings.
I’m sitting at the very same place now, typing this, and I’m getting chills and nausea just thinking through it again.
Insights:
I came away from this with two genuine insights—not mere thoughts.
1) The most nearly WHOLLY STUPID thing one can do is allow their health to degrade from simple carelessness and neglect. From now on, taking care of my body/health is going to be my MAIN concern.
2) I feel only like loving now. There are two ways to interact with someone: some bullshit ego nonsense, or love; and that’s it. I just hate ego now. Any creature who comes within my domain will be loved—however best I can do it.
Future plans:
I’m not going to go again for at LEAST a few weeks, that much is sure. When I do it will be back to low doses, so that I can take the time to master this process, and have an understanding of what’s going on, and whether bad feelings are coming from the trip, or actually from an unhealthy physical state. I might also consider trying to score some propranolol, instead of the enalapril (which shouldn’t really be taken in the manner I’ve taken it). But mostly, I’m going to begin a proper food and exercise regimen in a dedicated manner. I figure when I can run a half mile or so, full out, and not be gasping for breath, then I can take trips without fear for my health (assuming my BP is gonna be where it should be). It’s gonna be awhile. There’ll be no high dose trips for me until then—unless I can sort things out through lose doses, that let me know I’ll be OK.
Prologue:
I felt generally OK today. Took a couple of long walks (I’m a little wired and a little dissociated, sort of). But here’s something REALLY WEIRD: I’ve had to go to a couple of stores today, and no fewer than THREE PEOPLE (two women and one man), strangers just passing by in the store, looked at me full on and BEAMED like “Oh! It’s Santa Claus! Hi Santa, how are you?” or maybe “There’s the guy who ate the mushrooms and went to hell so our sins could be forgiven.” I have to say that the three people today are probably more than in my ENTIRE life—where strangers felt compelled to spontaneously beam like that at me in a public place. Sure, people I know, or are about to meet can do that. But never strangers—particularly since I don’t invite it: I usually ignore strangers—too lost in my own thoughts. Many people have told me I’m intimidating, because of my seriousness and intensity.
Something about me has obviously changed a GREAT DEAL.
...and again, thanks for nexus chat and people willing to help a lost soul !
I PM’ed with anrchy today and filled him in more on what went on, and he wanted me to write a trip report, so here it is. Perhaps it will give help or insight to another beginner who might be having a hard time.
The substance was the “McKenna” cubensis variety. Some call them the “penis envy” strain. I’ve been growing them—and drying them. I use a dehydrator with a low setting (95 F), and dry them cracker dry (24 hours). They reduce at about 14:1. The one measured batch I did went from 50 grams to 3.6 grams. My first flush of 20 cakes produced 36 grams dry.
The drugs-forum gives some suggested dosages for this strain:
Beginner: 0.4 grams
Full Dose: 1.6 grams
Massive Dose: 2.4 - 3.2 grams
On my first trip last Wednesday (ten days ago) I took 1 gram. On Friday night I took about 2.1 grams.
I prepared tea by first grinding the broken up shrooms to talc consistency using a mortar and pestle. Then (I used less with the 1 gram dose) I poured into them (bare) 1 cup of boiled water and the juice of 1 small lemon and 1 small lime. Steeped that for 5-8 minutes, with stirring, and then poured it through 2-3 coffee filters (which takes a few minutes). I also gave the filters some good squeezing, leaving only the “grounds” in them. Then I poured another 1 cup of boiled water backwards through them and steeped some more—this time without any lemon or lime. And filtered that into the first tea. By the time I was done there was only very little powder left—it was ground so fine that somehow most of it ended up in the tea. Doesn’t taste bad at all with all the lemon and lime in it. I gulped it down over a short period.
On to the trips. Both trips had a similar structure:
Stage 1: Misery, sickness, wooziness coming in waves. Lasts about 20 minutes
Stage 2: Colors, etc., when closing my eyes.
Stage 3: The pressing and crushing. I’ve seen described here people talking about breakthrough experiences when vaping, and I took these to be similar to that. It was the feeling of psychologically trying to “break through” something. That you need to “pop through” and then it will stop. There’s also a humming going on with that.
Stage 4: A serene period where thoughts and feelings resolve into “visions” and insights.
In my first trip, Stage 3 was relatively minor. Stage 4 was very uplifting. I ended up in a golden room at a golden pool, and it was like my consciousness had dissolved into the liquid in the pool and what was left of me (dressed in sort of Roman bath-house diapers!) standing there, free of all psychic/emotional pain, problems, troubles. It was like my personality had turned to liquid, all the bad stuff had vented away, and I was left like a sort of “god” who could live free of any difficulty. I had the realization that I would be able to create this in myself anytime in the future by simply “dropping” whatever pain I had. The idea was that pain is a problem only because we actually cling to it.
Trip 1 was a good experience, and although I felt I didn’t really “make the most of it” through inexperience, still it was positive. The days following were filled with bliss and serenity.
Before getting on to Trip 2 I need to present the problem: I do have somewhat elevated blood pressure. I don’t take meds for it, because I know the cure is in getting in better shape, but…
So, I happen to have some enalapril from a time when one of my dogs was ill, and I’ve thought I might make use of that to make tripping a bit safer. Also, the decision to go Friday night was an impulse. I had thought about it earlier in the week (and BTW, I also have a light cold—and so I thought I should put it off). Then things started to go kinda downhill. I ground the shrooms and took 20 mg of enalapril, but my BP wasn’t going down. I realized I didn’t have lemon/lime, so I had to go to the store. And then for the next two hours I’m constantly checking my BP, and it’s not going down—and even getting higher: once it was 158/109! And I’m frustrated that I ground the shrooms but I’m not using them, and they’ll go bad…
Finally, BP got down to 13x/89, and I figured I was at a safe level. But I was also hyped by then, rushed, etc. Just a BAD PLACE to start from (and in the back of my mind was fear that BP was even higher than usual).
Well…
Trip 2 had a stage 3 like a bulldozer—a galaxy sized bulldozer. It felt like the entire universe was sitting on my face, and I knew (or thought I knew) that I had to “let go,” but each time I did that a little, it felt like what I was going to be letting go of was my life. I just felt physically bad and, because of my inexperience, I couldn’t be sure whether it was “just the trip” or that my body was hurting. I struggled through that, but it was tough: I was taking a serious beating that I couldn’t get away from. Also, when my eyes were closed it was obvious that a BIG light show was in store for me, but that ALSO required “letting go,” and I couldn’t let it happen…
On to stage 4…
I thought maybe the worst was over, but I wasn’t aware of how strong things were going to get. I ended up sort of in the same “room” again but…oh my; things were different. First of all, I was in there whether my eyes were opened or closed. I could sort of see my room with my eyes open, but it wasn’t different from “the” room—or vice versa. I really couldn’t tell. And what was in that room with me was NOTHING. The big nothing. And I was quickly becoming nothing. I was just going out like a flame—except, not completely. There was a tiny bit of me left, and that bit was just some shitty, worthless piece of my ego. And it was HELL. I was trapped in this room, and either I was going to be trapped there for ETERNITY as a worthless piece of shit, or DIE stupidly, as a worthless piece of shit, or get out of it and then have to LIVE as a worthless piece of shit. I felt like the whole of me was so completely small and worthless that ALL LIFE was just a stupid cosmic joke. The room was so VOID and SILENT, and there was nothing of VALUE to seek or grasp, including myself—and man was I trapped there.
Also this time the room wasn’t golden, it was a very stark white. And I got up to try to move around, and walked around my house, and it looked like some stark and naked FACTORY, with a friggin WHITE SEARCHLIGHT shining down on me wherever I went. It was so stark and naked and bare—it’s difficult to express.
So, I did think I was dying. Yet, I could walk around easily, and I didn’t feel “anything” in my body. I had this the first trip, too—my body feels so light and free. But in a way it’s scary because it makes me feel like I’m out of touch—so I won’t be aware if there’s a problem.
The main thing though, was that there practically was no “me.” Here I am, walking around, etc., and I’m hardly there—just some tiny remnants of something keeping my mind alive. Finally, sometimes there was nothing at all—and the feeling of losing everything. And it seemed to be getting worse. That’s when I got on the nexus. It seemed like it took me forever to find the damn chat link…
While I’m on the nexus I’m trying to take my BP with a wrist monitor—but I now also can’t really get my body to work right, and that has me worried, too. I first got a high reading (170/110 or something), then a couple of minutes later I tried again, and got an ERROR—like…it means your heart is beating irregularly. That was BAD. That’s when I started talking about whether I should call 911. A little while later I tried again, and it gave a reasonable reading, so I thought I was OK. I started to come down just a bit (somebody suggested sugar—and I found powdered sugar in a cabinet and poured about a cupful in a glass put some water in and drank, LOL). Somebody also suggested hydration, and I DID realize then I was quite thirsty; so I drank a lot of water, too. I still felt horrible, though.
Fifteen minutes later it was clear I was probably gonna be OK…
So…it took at least another hour to come down to some REASONABLE place—and even after that, waves of…something…maybe anxiety, came over me, along with tripping sort of experiences/feelings.
I’m sitting at the very same place now, typing this, and I’m getting chills and nausea just thinking through it again.
Insights:
I came away from this with two genuine insights—not mere thoughts.
1) The most nearly WHOLLY STUPID thing one can do is allow their health to degrade from simple carelessness and neglect. From now on, taking care of my body/health is going to be my MAIN concern.
2) I feel only like loving now. There are two ways to interact with someone: some bullshit ego nonsense, or love; and that’s it. I just hate ego now. Any creature who comes within my domain will be loved—however best I can do it.
Future plans:
I’m not going to go again for at LEAST a few weeks, that much is sure. When I do it will be back to low doses, so that I can take the time to master this process, and have an understanding of what’s going on, and whether bad feelings are coming from the trip, or actually from an unhealthy physical state. I might also consider trying to score some propranolol, instead of the enalapril (which shouldn’t really be taken in the manner I’ve taken it). But mostly, I’m going to begin a proper food and exercise regimen in a dedicated manner. I figure when I can run a half mile or so, full out, and not be gasping for breath, then I can take trips without fear for my health (assuming my BP is gonna be where it should be). It’s gonna be awhile. There’ll be no high dose trips for me until then—unless I can sort things out through lose doses, that let me know I’ll be OK.
Prologue:
I felt generally OK today. Took a couple of long walks (I’m a little wired and a little dissociated, sort of). But here’s something REALLY WEIRD: I’ve had to go to a couple of stores today, and no fewer than THREE PEOPLE (two women and one man), strangers just passing by in the store, looked at me full on and BEAMED like “Oh! It’s Santa Claus! Hi Santa, how are you?” or maybe “There’s the guy who ate the mushrooms and went to hell so our sins could be forgiven.” I have to say that the three people today are probably more than in my ENTIRE life—where strangers felt compelled to spontaneously beam like that at me in a public place. Sure, people I know, or are about to meet can do that. But never strangers—particularly since I don’t invite it: I usually ignore strangers—too lost in my own thoughts. Many people have told me I’m intimidating, because of my seriousness and intensity.
Something about me has obviously changed a GREAT DEAL.
...and again, thanks for nexus chat and people willing to help a lost soul !
