free spirit
Rising Star
***ok.. this is a long one... and dont read too much into it. i certainly dont have some crazy concept of myself from it. also i added as much mindset info as i did for personal reasons as much as to share. these reports help me as much as anyone.**** Now onto the report--- Its hard to write up a report like this without sounding overly egotistical, assholish, and having one or many different kinds of complexes. I know I thought I had gone crazy, or had died, or was in a coma and that this was all just some delusion that I had been going through. As I write this I don’t even know if I will share it, just that I have to get it out of me. Life hasn’t been great lately. The wife and I have been having issues, business has been slow, and bills have been high. I’ve been under a great deal of stress. This weekend had been no exception. After a pretty hugish fight w/ the wife on Friday, and me getting too drunk that night and working off a hangover the next day, Saturday seemed like a bust too. I called up a buddy of mine, and pretty much begged him to get me high. I needed some pot to help not be soo sad/angry, and to help cure the hangover. My buddy came through like a champ, not only getting me silly stoned, but leaving me w/ a nice lil bud to carry me through the weekend. Stress relief he called it. We originally were planning to go out and eat some acid in a pretty cool environment, but my head wasn’t in the right place. I knew that if I ate some, I’d get caught up in some crazy introspective depressive nightmare, and that wasn’t exactly my cup of tea at the moment. Not to mention the fact that I didn’t want to lay all this on the lap of my poor friend while he was out of his gourd as well. So I opted to stay home. Sitting on the couch, watching some movie or another, I decided I had to eat something. Thinking through the menu of what I had in my drug toolbox, there weren’t too many things that I thought would be fitting. Most I knew might put me in that same introspective nightmare that I was trying to avoid, so I dosed what I was comfy w/. What I knew would be an easy ride, but could open things up for something major. So I pulled out this casserole dish w/ its chalkish residue on it. I scraped up what I thought would be a good doses worth, didn’t even measure it, looked for some empty gelcaps only to realize I had none, and opted to parachute this material. So I wrapped it up in a piece of paper towel, and twisted it up, took a swig of water… and down the hatch. UGH!!!! Dxm has always tasted most foul, and the hydrochloride version of it was no different. ‘Man that was awful’ I think to myself. I eat a piece of pizza to help mask the disgusting taste that had saturated my taste buds. So, the comeup starts normal, about half an hour after dosing. Except there is some pain involved. The idea of robo-itch has been well discussed on dxm forums, but this was what must be its ultimate expression. It did not itch, it burned. I’ve had this happen a few times, and knew it to be indicative of a high dose experience about to happen. Was trying to be nice and somewhat social w/ the wife, so we put in a movie (Stranger than Fiction) and watched it. It was pretty weird, even for my sober wife, but it helped pass the time, and by the time it was done, I was going pretty good. I was definitely under the influence of a dissasociative, and at this point, w/ my weeks end being soo shitty, I needed to detach from it for a bit. It was like taking a ton of bricks off my back. The wife gets tired, so I tell her good night, and continue my evening. Sleep was nowhere close for me. I break out the nitrous and put another movie on to serve as background noise/images. It was fun, but nothing too addictive to it, which was odd, as the hippie crack normally grabs my soul and hangs on tight, but this night, it was just fun. Smoke a bowl of the herb my buddy so kindly kicked down on me, and things are fun. I’ve always loved smoking pot on dxm. It just vibes soo well together. The evening is getting late, and I’m approaching the end of the trip, so I drink a few beers to help wind down. I think about doing a spice trip, which had been my original motivation for doing the dxm in the first place. I start to think, ‘Well, its late, and I really should be going to bed so ill be rested for tommorrow’. About 15 minutes later I decided that I should go ahead and do it. Im tired of planning things and chickening/opting out at the last minute. But really.. I was soooooooo close to not dosing any… Boy would that have been a mistake. So, I dose up the pipe. I turn off the tv, and put some backlight on. I take two BIG hits, and set the pipe down. Reality explodes… I am launched at first into nothingness… hurling at a great rate of speed, and then suddenly I am full on into a glorious place. Brilliant yellows and oranges and whites and reds, make up a constantly shifting mosaic of mandalas. At the center is me, with all the energy of the mosaic constantly beings shot into me, radiating into me, pulsing w/ power. (visuals VERY similar to the ones in Renegade(blueberry)) It becomes revealed to me that I am god. Now I know how this sounds. Hell it sounds the same way to me too. But it was explained that before I was me, the human me, I was god. That I had become human, was living this life as a test, and that I had become god again. I questioned the logic of this, knew that it was silly, that it was a delusion, yet the trip made a very convincing argument. It showed me aspects of my life, and my interactions with others, that were all suggestive of this, and showed me what I was before I was human. I began to think I had died, and that this life, that I had been living was all happening in my head, like I was stuck in a loop. I also wondered if I was in a coma, and that these things I went through everyday were like dreams. But then I realized that there were two realities, that the one I was living in day by day was one, and the one I had entered by smoking dmt was another. I thought I was going to have to make a conscious choice to stay in one or the other, and I chose to stay in the dmt brought version. A long time later, after having played around w/ the wonders of being god, which is a complete mindshattering headfuck btw. I finally came somewhat down, only I wasn’t down. I didn’t think I was ever going to come down. I was walking around my living room, encountering these 3d crystalline entities that were blue and white and sparkly. If I looked at them closely, they stayed the same. If I stuck my hand in them/through them, or walked into one, the ambient temperature dropped a good 20 degrees and mist/vapor would condense on me. Not sweat, but a cool mist. After some time, they started to fade away. I grabbed the pipe, wondering if it would be soo easy to bring them back as to take another couple of tokes. I didn’t reload the pipe, as it has enough dmt resin in the bowl that it should last for the evening. Took a couple hits, and was amazed at how the crystalline entities phased back into my view. That’s the best way to describe it. When they vanished, it was like they were slowly fading away, and when they got back they slowly came back.. phasing in and out. The best description would be that of a radio station. As you turn the dial, you can start picking a station up, and then you get it dialed in just right, and if you keep turning, well it slowly fades out until its static or another station. Dmt allowed my eyes to be ‘dialed in’ to the correct frequency, and when I was getting dialed in or out, the visions came in slowly until there.. or vanished slowly. So, these crystalline entities come back into view, made up of millions of shards of energy, but it becomes apparent that I must sit down. I sit on the floor, Indian style and close my eyes, and its back to the same images as before, as the first dmt trip of the evening, me in the center of the mosaic of incredibly bright constantly shifting mandalas, being radiated into me, except this time there is like thunder going off, and extra pulses, and the best likening I could give it to, would be getting powered up in some crazy video game, except doing so w/ the cheat code. All around my head these explosions are going off in synch to the sound of thunder, and the explosions are raining down even more of this energy down on me. All I could do was sit there and nod my head back and forth very quickly. The image appeared to me like a Buddhist monk doing intense meditation but on a stimulant like meth or something. My head was rocking back and forth much faster than any monk in actual meditation that I had seen. The entire god trip was back again, and it was more intense than ever… The evening went on this way, w/ me staying gone far longer than I had any right to, going farther than I ever thought possible, and at times thinking I would never come back, that this world would find me dead, as I was free to exist on another level in my true form. It got to the point that I could control various aspects of the experience, such as temperature, making a breeze, making colors change, forcing recall of things, changing my environment in a variety of ways, it was all amazing. I feel very lucky and blessed to have experienced it. I started taking hits and walking around, going outside, going upstairs to my bed… seeing all these wondrous things. My dog can certainly tell when I’m under the influence of the spirit molecule. He came up to me almost groveling. Approaching in a down/subservient posture.. licking me in a very submissive way… eyes down, head lowered, but not afraid, just wanting to make sure im ok. He licked me a few times and I just petted him and layed there… journeying on… The trip has been hard to come to terms with. I do not think I am really some god figure. I know that I am not. Maybe we all are our own gods. I just don’t know what would make me more special that anyone else. But if we all are gods, maybe it could be true. I know there is more to life than just this world. But I do not know how to enter it permanently other than to die, and I don’t really want to kill myself, or rush to die in some rash manner.
