Becoming insane ...

[teonanacatl]

Hello fellow psychonauts,

I stumbled upon this message board recently and wanted to introduce myself and just say hello. The best way to do that, I thought, would be a little report of my most recent journey (or need I say SWIM's? Nah!).

I have maybe done 20 trips or so in my life, so I'm not really a veteran in this regard. About a dozen were with LSD and about half a dozen with shrooms (no spice as of now, but I'm sure our paths will cross eventually). The one I'm about to write about was induced by a couple of P. cubensis. This is going to be a bit long, I guess, but I have to get this off of my chest.


I had 100 grams of fresh cubes that I dried in a few days and took with some fruit and lemon juice (for the Vitamin C effect - no idea if this made any difference). As I didn't have anything to really pulverize the stuff, I just crumbled it with my hands, put the juice over it and ate it with a spoon (the juice is pretty thick). I didn't weigh the dried cubes so I can only estimate the dosage (I had weighed the fresh ones, though). From what I've read so far the ratio fresh : dried is somewhere between 13 : 1 to 9 : 1, which means roughly 7.5-11 g of dried cubes, a good guess is probably 8 grams or so.

Anyway, the onset was quick, much quicker than I had expected and after about 10 minutes I already knew that I was in for a ride. To make for a nice setting, I had prepared a playlist with good music, had put some fresh food on a table beside my bed, cleaned my room, lit some candles etc., finally I put on my headphones and sat back in my comfy chair to enjoy the trip. Well, that was the plan. As it turned out the shrooms had something else in mind.

There were three episodes to this story:

Episode 1

The first was the single most intense fit of hysterical laughter I have ever experienced, witnessed or even heard of. I completely lost control over my motoric functions. I laughed out loud and just couldn't stop, I stumbled through my room, fell a couple of times, suddenly found myself lying under my desk, stood up again, fell onto my bed, throwing over the table with the food and spreading it throughout the room while also ripping off half of the curtain that is hanging in front of my bed, etc. It was just too absurd. I mean, everything. And all these different types of laughter I was able to produce just added to it. One type of laughter was answered by another type. I laughed and laughed about how I laughed which was followed by a whole new way of laughter that only made things even more funny.

After a while I was pretty spent and just lay on the floor mumbling something like "Ohhh duude, come onnn. You. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me." while giggling occasionally. Meanwhile, any rational thoughts had fled the country and were nowhere to be found.

Episode 2

The second, and (unfortunately) much longer episode, started when some personal "demons" noticed that I had gone mad and thought it would be a nice opportunity to step in and boast a bit. I can't tell when or why exactly but suddenly I had this intense feeling of guilt, that I had done something wrong, that something HAD GONE TERRIBLY WRONG ("Oh shit, shit, shit. What have I done, what have I done, this isn't right!?!?" ). There was no apparent reason for it, but, as I said, my rational mind had already left the stage, and so I had no means to do something about these emotions. I couldn't convince myself that everything was o.k. because I had no idea what was going on in the first place and I was completely immersed in the emotions, unable to step back and see what was happening inside me from a distance. During episode one I had lost my headphones (note to self: do not use headphones) while stumbling through the room and the thought of putting them back on and getting back into my chair (so I could let Shpongle lead me to more pleasant realms) didn't even occur to me for a second.

So there I was, feeling overwhelmed by these inner voices telling me that I was a bad boy and feeling this need to do something about it, but I had no idea what. At one point I was just walking around in my room, sort of crawling along the wall, confused and insane. I saw the books in my shelf but had not the faintest idea what these things were meant to be. The only thing I knew was that that was it. I had fucked it up. I was insane and would never, ever get back a grip on reality (whatever that may be). It was some scary shit.

Episode 3

While the second part was very personal in a way, the last episode was more existential (for lack of a better word). During episode two a lot of thoughts "happened" to me about myself as a person, the people I see on a daily basis at work, my family, friends etc. Episode three was existential in the way that I saw how all these thoughts were just constructions of my mind. This is old news, of course, but while I was lying in front of my bed I could see how everything, the entire universe, somehow unfolded inside my mind and there was nothing there beyond it. This was a little unsettling to put it mildly and accompanied by a vast feeling of being alone.

Even worse: My demons had found a way to sneak into that revelation, clinging on to me desperately as last part of my ego. The result was that I still had this feeling that something was off, that I had to do something in order to keep the universe from fading away. I felt as if I needed to actively create these thoughts that made up the universe or else it would just fall apart. But then again, for example, I saw myself on my way to work. It was a pretty vivid picture, but it was not quite the same as the experience of actually getting to work. That however is an explanation that is way too rational for what I was feeling at this point. I just felt that something was off and that I had to do something in order to make this thought of me going to work "real", to keep me alive ...

Then, during the climax, I fell into an eternal loop of desperate madness. It is funny that loops seem to be a somewhat common phenomenon on psychedelics; I have read a few other trip reports that describe similar experiences. In my case, there was some kind of very abstract visual pattern, while I was still lying in front of my bed staring at the corner of the matress. And somehow this single moment, infinitely short and eternal at the same time, captured in this Aley Grey like picture, kept repeating itself over and over again. There was no way I could get out of it, and I was sure that I was now stuck inside this forever.

The three episodes lasted about 5 hours.

Epilogue

After some time I woke up again. I can't say if I really had gone to sleep, but suddenly episode three was over and I was more or less myself again. Well, except for the visuals, but I was able to think rationally again, able to reflect upon what had happened. At first I still felt that my life was more or less over, that I had fucked it up, that I had to make up for what I had done. But within the next about 15 minutes I was able to convince myself that nothing bad had actually happened and I calmed down, thought about what this lesson taught me, enjoyed the funny visuals I still had and, after an hour or so, eventually fell asleep.

The next two days I was still pretty shaky, mostly physically.

The funny thing about this trip is that I would not exchange this experience for anything in the world. It was really horrible, frightening, insane, a journey into the heart of guilt and madness and despair, but also an immensely valuable lesson. It made me think of a line in the film Blueberry that the shaman says to the main guy after he has faced his inner demons with Peyote: "Be well aware of your thoughts and feelings, Broken Nose, now, that you have seen their true faces." That pretty much sums up the moral of lesson 2.

In my everyday life these thoughts and feelings aren't even very prominent or a big part of my mind, but they are constantly and subtly at work, silently whispering voices that try to tell me what is right or wrong, what I should and should not do, and thus keeping me from living my life to the fullest. Ah, the ego. Sometimes it's not quite that easy to just let go, it seems.

Another lesson I learned is this: Well, I guess 4 or 5 grams should work, too.


Have fun(gi?),
tnc.

 

[ghostman]

Welcome and thank you for sharing!

That sounds like a huge journey of introspection that you endured. At least it started with a laugh before descending into the pit of madness. Well done for making it through to hell and back.

 

[whiskey5]

Another lesson I learned is this: Well, I guess 4 or 5 grams should work, too.

Depends on what your after, how far down the rabbit hole you wanna go, so to speak.

Hello fellow psychonauts,
Epilogue
But within the next about 15 minutes I was able to convince myself that nothing bad had actually happened and I calmed down, thought about what this lesson taught me

I'm curious about the experience. The demons you mention, sounds like something in your life, inside you, that makes you feel less-than-worthy? Voices telling you these things perhaps?

I'm not saying your crazy, or hearing voices, cause I think I know what you mean. We make up stories, excuses to ourselves for a variety of reasons. And when mushrooms bring these out for analysis, to see how valid these opinions of ourselves are, then we realize they are unvalid, are a means of covering something deeper up, and in the end simply doing us no good at all. Preventing us from living our lives, as you have said.

The funny thing about this trip is that I would not exchange this experience for anything in the world. It was really horrible, frightening, insane, a journey into the heart of guilt and madness and despair, but also an immensely valuable lesson.

Guilt, madness, despair. I've experienced those feelings before. For me, the guilt arose from places deep, deep inside of me, of things I know I'm guilty of, and only I know. Maddening because with shrooms, it doesn't take much to peer deep into the soul like that. Felt despair when I thought deeply on my feeling of being alone in the world.

In my everyday life these thoughts and feelings aren't even very prominent or a big part of my mind, but they are constantly and subtly at work,

hmmm...I think I can relate to this as well. During one episode, I could actually see myself walking home from work (interesting how yours was going to work). But I could see myself as if looking down from a 500 foot view. And I knew what I was thinking at the time. The thoughts were that I am walking home alone, like I always do, and going home to no one.

And when I saw it from that view, the next thought in my head was: Why do you do that to yourself? Why do put the burden of feeling alone, lonely, on yourself.

And then I had to reconsider this thought of being alone. Reconcile with it I suppose.

Sometimes it's not quite that easy to just let go, it seems.

yep yep. As powerful as my experience was in getting to the root of my loneliness, its hard to manifest that thought as the truth for the 98% of the time I am not tripping.

Also, on the loops. I ate amanita muscaria once, and had a looping experience about 2 hours into it. And the looping experience is maddening, cause I kept trying to find the end of it, but also knew that when I did see the end, that I was not going to like it.

Basically, my loop was centered on 1) The universe was asking me a question, i'd answer it and say "what's next", and then another question and so forth.

And the word "what next" appeared to me like a 3-d Word art that you in see Microsoft Word. Anyways, I was deathly afraid that the universe would have no more questions for me. And that meant I had no more meaning to the universe, and I would fizzle away and die.

The questions were personal, like "why do you do this, why do you that..." etc.

So, the loop went on and on, and I thought I was going to die, couldn't make the loop stop. Each time I answered, was like I was propelled further into the universe.

At one point I saw a glowing ball, pulsating, floating in space. And I asked "whats next." This thing literally told me there is nothing next, go back the way you came.

And I knew the loop was over, and I felt myself coming back, and then I enjoyed the oddness of the trip (like having the word "forward" lose its meaning).

The way I like to read that is that I met the creator, the thing in the universe that constantly calculates the infinite recursive loop of nature. It said there is nothing else beyond it, nothing else beyond creation.

Still got that image in my head.

 

[teonanacatl]

Another lesson I learned is this: Well, I guess 4 or 5 grams should work, too.

Depends on what your after, how far down the rabbit hole you wanna go, so to speak.

Sure, but simply taking huge dosages isn't really all there is if you want to break through the realms of your ego and learn something from it, in my opinion. (Also, what I wrote above was meant half-jokingly.) This thread about using psychedelics wisely I wholeheartedly agree with, in this case especially with the notion about the experienced user.

What I'm trying to say is: My goal is to stay aware during the experience as much as possible in order to guide myself to where I want to go. Of course this is something different than controlling the experience, which is pretty much impossible anyway, and you have to be able to stay aware and let go at the same time to get the most from it.

8 grams (or how much it was) completely overwhelmed me and swept me away. By taking a little less I hope to be able to learn more from it during the experience and not just afterwards, while still challenging myself.

I'm curious about the experience. The demons you mention, sounds like something in your life, inside you, that makes you feel less-than-worthy? Voices telling you these things perhaps?

These "voices" are simply my thoughts, the inner dialogue that everyone has unless they are long-term practitioners of meditation. Most people (including me of course, even though I have been meditating a bit) have only a very limited ability, if at all, to control their thoughts, they more or less happen to them. During the trip I had a chance to have a look at a certain type of thought under the psilocin-microscope - and these were the thoughts that have something to do with what I should or should not do and the emotions that go along with them. Psychologically speaking are these part of what I believe would be called my inner parent who tells me what to do and the inner child that reacts to it. And yes, these thoughts do make me feel less-than-worthy to some extent which I could very clearly see by the emotions they invoked during the trip (emotions a child has when constantly being put under pressure and told that it is a bad child if it doesn't do this and that and so on; the trip was pretty regressive in that regard).

And when I saw it from that view, the next thought in my head was: Why do you do that to yourself? Why do put the burden of feeling alone, lonely, on yourself.

That's a great question, because when we're not aware of what we're thinking the thoughts more or less just happen to us. The question why do you do that to yourself puts you back in the active role, so that you can change the way you're thinking and feeling as long as you stay aware of it.

The way I like to read that is that I met the creator, the thing in the universe that constantly calculates the infinite recursive loop of nature. It said there is nothing else beyond it, nothing else beyond creation.

Still got that image in my head.

Sounds like a powerful journey. Tell the creator I said hi the next time you meet him/her/it