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Belated Intro

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MachineElf88

MachineElf88

Rising Star
Hello everyone, I thought it was about time I posted an introductory essay and made an attempt at full membership to the Nexus.

I've been on this forum for many years, first as a lurker then as a new member. I guess so far my posts have been mainly asking for help with various things. The level of knowledge on this forum is unsurpassed and I am thankful for having it.

Ok so a bit about me and my relationship with DMT -

About 8 years ago I began to look into philosophy and the study of consciousness. Began with reading books by David Hawkins after a recommendation and listening to talks by Alan Watts. Then when browsing I found deoxy.org. On there I found Terrence Mckenna and read about this mysterious halucinogen called "DMT". I then later found the Nexus and would read many of the experiences people posted.

Having used many "drugs" in the past I was shocked that I had never heard of it. I began to read about it and was mesmerised. I read and read and read, and for months that was all I did. Then I finally got around to extracting it myself and was surprised at how easy it was. Just like following a recipe.

Over the last 5 years or so I have used DMT on a semi regular basis. I don't need to go into how amazing it is and how some of the best experiences of my life have been on DMT (even though I can't remember them 😉 ). You all know what I'm talking about.

I've never had a breakthrough but to be honest I don't think I'm ready for it. I've always been very careful with doses, the most being 35mg. I'm quite content to just enjoy the sub breakthrough until a time comes when I'm psychologically and spiritually ready.

I've recently started regularly going to Ayahuasca retreats. I've been to 2 so far this year and have 2 more to go to before the end of the year. I'm also just starting to use Changa and have a long journey ahead of me with that as well.


Here is a bit of more personal information about me - I was a shy introvert for most of my life. Socially awkward, uncomfortable and unhappy. In the last 3 years or so I've made huge strides in improving myself and my life. Once I found the cause of my unhappiness was trauma from my childhood I immediately set about fixing the damage. I've used clinical techniques, energy work and the healing of the plant spirits and now I feel I am well on the way to living a full and happy life.


Here's a couple of the more interesting posts I have made. The first 2 being trip reports of sorts and the 3rd a little lymeric I wrote.







Hope to be joining all of you full members soon on the other side. :)

Much love
 
Belated welcome!

I can relate to parts of your story, and think it's great you're willing to delay gratification on the breakthrough until you feel the time is right. IME the sub-breakthrough realm is a fascinating place all on it's own, worthy of exploring thoroughly before blasting by it on your way to the deeper levels. :thumb_up:

I'm seeking to heal some old damage as well, although I haven't gone as far as attempting Aya yet. Do you feel it's been helpful for you even in smaller doses? My tendency seems to be looking at it as an all or nothing kind of thing, much more so than smoking. Although I've TRIED (but failed) several times at a smoked breakthrough, I think of Aya as a major commitment and don't yet feel prepared for spending hours totally at the mercy of the substance.

Oh and I see you've finally lost your flowerpot! Congratulations! 😁
 
Thanks Crazyhorse.

So far Ayahuasca hasn't really shown me anything visual. It's been psychadelic at times but no visions to speak of. Intellectually I haven't learned anything from it yet. I have drunk quite a bit on the times I have done it.

I've been told it's not about dosage. Sometimes the most insightful and deep experiences can be found in smaller doses.

What I feel it has done for me so far is a thorough cleansing. Phsyically it has totally cleaned my bowels. The first time I did a 4 day retreat I was literally going non stop for a week after. I also did Kambo which probably contributed to that. The shaman told me it was doing a thorough cleansing on me. Or maybe I was just full of sh*t 😉

I also just feel better, no one specific thing, just better overall. I'm sure the visions will come when I'm ready for them.

They say it gives you what you need, not what you want. Have no expectations.

I would highly recommend it in a ceremonial setting under the care of people who know what they are doing.
 
MachineElf88 said:
Thanks Crazyhorse.

So far Ayahuasca hasn't really shown me anything visual. It's been psychadelic at times but no visions to speak of. Intellectually I haven't learned anything from it yet. I have drunk quite a bit on the times I have done it.

I've been told it's not about dosage. Sometimes the most insightful and deep experiences can be found in smaller doses.
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If it's not about dosage, I'd be very interested to know what it IS about. :? I've had similar issues with DMT not having the effects it's "supposed" to, even at higher doses than it "should" take. I've taken all the advice on smoking methods etc, and as much as most of these folks want to blame your technique for lack of breakthroughs, I think for me there's more going on. It may just be that I'm a "hard head", as it seems you might be too... it might just be an unusual brain chemistry thing, I've certainly read about others needing larger than normal amounts to get there. But maybe it's really more about being emotionally/psycologically ready to let go. For me I could really see either one being the case, and think at some point I might just have to take so much that I'm FORCED to let go. But since a huge pile of vaped spice in addition to Caapi tea couldn't do it, maybe Aya is the ticket. With nay kind of vaping, you can always back out... and like I said, Aya seems like more of a commitment. Once you drink it, there's doesn't seem to be much you can do to stop the ride prematurely. I'd just really like to have a guide with me for that, a youtube playlist of icaros can only help so much, and my "friends list" is very short on shamans. :roll:

What I feel it has done for me so far is a thorough cleansing. Phsyically it has totally cleaned my bowels. The first time I did a 4 day retreat I was literally going non stop for a week after. I also did Kambo which probably contributed to that. The shaman told me it was doing a thorough cleansing on me. Or maybe I was just full of sh*t 😉

I also just feel better, no one specific thing, just better overall. I'm sure the visions will come when I'm ready for them.

They say it gives you what you need, not what you want. Have no expectations.
Click to expand...

I've read before that the first aya journeys are mainly about cleaning you out, and dealing with general health issues, preparing you for the "main event"... this makes some sense to me, and I just recently got a bunch of caapi.. I think I'm going to try some caapi only brews soon to start the process, before adding the chacruna. The 'no expectations' bit is hard for me. Of course I expect something, If I didn't expect anything, why would I go to all the trouble of doing it? :p

I would highly recommend it in a ceremonial setting under the care of people who know what they are doing.
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I would absolutely love to do this, I've sat on the ingredients for making my own Aya for nearly a year in the hopes of having my first time be in a ceremonial setting with a real ayahuasquero... but a trip to brazil/peru isn't cheap, and I'm broke as a joke. But if you know of a place for doing this in the states, please PM me about it!

I admire your patience and perseverance with this, I've been aspiring to the same attitude but it's frustrating sometimes, especially when it seems so effortless for others.
 
"If it's not about dosage, I'd be very interested to know what it IS about."

Apparently it's about going inside in a meditation kind of way and relaxing. Then it comes. The first time I drank I was very agitated and fidgety, waiting for it to do something and literally nothing happened. Nothing at all.

I then got it into my head that it must be a dosage issue so the next night I drank a lot. I was knocking back 2 shots at a time and probably drank 2-3 times as much as other people. They said they had never seen anyone drink as much as I had. Still mostly nothing happened, at one point I was tripping but it just felt like I had smoked about 10mg DMT and was having mild OEVs.

Then after a 6 hour ceremony, as the shaman was closing the ceremony it finally hit me.

He asked everyone to stand up and I couldn't stand without feeling really sick. I lay down and wrapped myself up in a blanket while people were chatting and leaving the ceremonial space. The feeling was amazing, felt like MDMA. Orgasmic kind of feelings rushing through my body. The shaman and his helpers made sure there was always someone there with me keeping a vigil throughout. I guess it lasted about 4 hours. No real visuals, just psychadelia but the most amazing feeling.

Maybe it was because at the end of the ceremony I finally gave up hope of it working and let go. I don't know.

Ayahuasca is not like DMT in the dosage respect. I think it's more about learning to relax and let go and go inside yourself.


"I've read before that the first aya journeys are mainly about cleaning you out, and dealing with general health issues, preparing you for the "main event"" -

I've heard this too. It cleanses you first before the visions come. I guess the cleansing could take multiple sessions. Funny but the guy I go to these retreats with is comatose within about 40 mins of drinking. Totally gone. I'm sitting there feeling nothing.

I've drunk Caapi tea before and smoked DMT. The tea was just crudely made by boiling for half an hour in water with a splash of vinegar. I then smoked 30mg of DMT and had the most intense experience I've ever had.
Here's the trip report - Most profound, intense and terrifying experience I've ever had - First steps in Hyperspace - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus

It's not something I would do again until I'm ready. It totally took me by surprise. I think I was on the verge of a breakthrough but I couldn't handle it and pulled myself out of it.

I'm on a different continent to you I'm afraid so know nothing about ceremonies in the USA.
 
Interesting stuff, thanks for taking the time! It seems to me like we have some things in common in regards to all this, so I'll definitely be wanting to hear about any progress you make in the future. I've read your "spindly sticks" report 3 times now, I like your description of DMT as doing "everything". I totally also agree with your "looping" assessment of LSD (Mushrooms also seem to do this with me at higher doses, at least cubensis.) Also like you I feel that when I did caapi and vape at the same time, I may have been on the verge, but backed out at the last moment. My report about it is Here, in case you're interested and haven't seen it.

That was my first time to get any significant visuals, after several times vaping what others would consider to be ridiculously large doses. They were very abstract, just simple patters of color, and the impression of daylight coming through my eyelids even though I was in a dark room. The emotional impact was profound, just an amazing feeling as you said, but there was definitely nothing like the elaborate environments others describe. The next time I vaped after that was probably the closest to the "no expectations" state I've been, and it was definitely my best attempt to far. Based on my prior experience I didn't think it would do much, and the effects totally caught me by surprise. I have the impression that a door may have been opened, and is just waiting for me to step through. But I haven't tried it again since then, it just hasn't been a good time for it. Too much stress and distraction with real world concerns. But I think I'm ready to go back soon, possibly next weekend. :thumb_up:

Thanks for sharing your experiences, I'll be looking forward to hearing more!
 
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