~Binary and back again~

[4thDiMenTion]

Hey everyone!

I stumbled upon this site while tooling around on the Shroomery.

So far, I think it's pretty amazing! I must have gazed at the artwork on the home page for a solid 10 minutes before registering. The colors are absolutely marvelous! To be able to inject that level of depth, movement, and emotion into a piece without overcrowding it - that takes true skill. :thumb_up:

Ok, so where do I begin?

I just returned from Burning Man. While there, I was gifted something amazing: a release from myself.

I was terrified at first. I felt the universe enter me, expand in me, and begin to devour me.

My body grew colder. The patterns of fractals blossoming before me grew in magnificence and intensity. Then, without warning, I parted from myself. Out of me- into the rug. Then the hammock. And then the cooler.

Any object; every object; every space; any space. I inhabited it.

I felt physically ill. I was terrified, and I began to weep. I pleaded with the universe to bring me back to my body.

But it refused.

Then it spoke to me and said: I will not subside, but rather intensify. You must gaze into me and defeat your fear, or I will break your mind to pieces.

The force was having it's way with me, and I was certain that it would make good on it's threat to turn me into a vegetable if I failed to comply.

Pain and fear engulfing me, death becoming me, I stood before the void and opened my eyes.

And there it was- all the times when I was bullied & neglected; all the people who turned their backs on me; the years I spent hating myself so fervently & feeling like a monster inside- the nothingness.

It's eyes opened and met mine.

And it was in this moment that I understood. This is no devil I gaze upon. The force has no name and no face, but it's in everything & everyone at every moment. It is balance. The action to reaction; positive to negative; infinite to finite and back again.

A code. *The* code.

The universe's binary explanation from which the most breathtaking complexities are born.

Infinity.

Unity.

0101010101010101010101

The fear vanished and was replaced with a healing sensation unlike anything I've ever felt.

I was no longer apart. I was a part!

The universe, in all it's beauty & brutality, drew me into a lover's embrace and whispered in my ear: see- I knew you could do it.

I replied with a simple 'yeah.'

Yeah- I really am this strong. Because I am not my body, my name, or even my mind. I am an expression of the universe's infinitely repeating blueprint.

I am what you are. You are what I am. And the mysteries of space and the intimacies of love and the feelings that I get when I touch the nerve or when a hand touches my shoulder- this is the divine language of existence.

And now I cry tears of joy because I am so grateful & honored to be a part.

Thank you universe. Thank you for letting me in.
Thank you me. Thank you for letting me out.


~XOXO~

 

[Vodsel]

This is a very nice way to express that insight. Many people here resonate with what you say.

Can we ask what triggered it?

Welcome to the Nexus.

 

[4thDiMenTion]

Thanks for the welcome!

What triggered it?

If you mean literally speaking, some very fine DMT!

And on the more philosophical side of things:

Hmm... Well, I tend to live in my head (working on that ). And when you live in your head and are prone to somewhat rational/logical thinking, I think you eventually just get so fed up with your own nonsense that eventually you bring about change.

Specifically, I think it was seeing the people around me make such loving connections with seeming ease and knowing that I was unable to do the same. I kept scolding myself for retreating further & further into my head, which of course gave me even more anxiety.

But within the last year, I've started to realize that I'm just out of practice. Communicating with people in a loving and meaningful way is kind of like exercising a muscle. It just takes treating yourself right, coming up with a healthy workout routine, and sticking with the program long enough to see the results - even if at first you don't see any.

So lately I've been forcing myself to embrace people at random moments.

For example: my buddy & I were supposed to meet up with some friends at a bar last night. But when we got there, we realized that it wasn't a bar. It was a fancy restaurant. Our buds were already eating, but neither of us had any money to spend on dinner. So we decided to leave & catch up with our pals later. But just as we were leaving, the owner of the restaurant came over and asked us where we'd like to be seated.

Now- my typical reaction would be to tense up at the slightly awkward social situation and just basically run away from the guy. But instead, I forced myself to turn around and calmly explain to him the situation. I looked into his eyes, and smiled big with my heart.

And it totally worked! I left the restaurant feeling happy & good, and I'm pretty sure the owner walked away feeling the same way. It was a moment where I just let go and said "here I am!" And I think that's what made it work so well.

This may seem like baby steps to people who don't struggle with anxiety much. But for me, it's a hard nut to crack. But the more my shell starts to shatter & flake, the better life gets. So viva!

 

[DoingKermit]

4thDiMenTion, thank you so much for sharing such person and powerful words. I really felt your emotion while reading it.

I totally understand that anxiety you speak of. I think a lot of people do at different degrees of intensity, as well as some being able to combat it easier than others. My ex was completely agoraphobic (couldn't be in public places) and I had to witness her freak out on so many occasions. Not saying that you are in any way agoraphobic, but I do understand that freedom to release yourself and connect to others can sometimes be a struggle.

So, do you think you may tread down the DMT path again?

 

[4thDiMenTion]

Thank you for the kind words. I know there's a lot of people out there wrestling with anxiety, but it's good to hear it from someone else every now and again.

And YES! I'm definitely going to partake in DMT again.

The experience that I posted about was actually the 3rd time I've done DMT. But this time was by far the most intense.

In addition, I'm very interested in learning how to extract it. I know I have a ton of research ahead of me, but I'm willing to put in the time it takes because I think DMT has some extraordinary healing potentials!