Breaking Through

[ragabr]

SWIM completed her first extraction today, spice dries now.

In celebration SWIM built a lovely machine, which she will share images of soon. SWIM had spice left over from earlier times and decided to follow Spiceman's advice in regard to dosage. She fueled her machine with 120mg and set intention. Body anxiety appeared with first scent of vapor. SWIM began pulling, held for 40 seconds and breathed out, no real smoke. The second draw came heavy, held for 30 and released. Third draw and breakthrough began before SWIM could put down machine and ignition.

Experience overwhelmed SWIM, though mostly in Love. First, completely impersonal though loving instruction from entities where SWIM participated as chalkboard, chalk, lesson plan and student. SWM lacks ability to clearly describe. Second, witness to flow of Love through SWIM's life, relationships and connections, though again impersonal regarding her. Or not impersonal, but the Love that SWIM was travelled through the body of relationships and it mattered not whether SWIM as Love took residence in her habitual body or those of others. Third, application of lessons through SWIM personally. Shown how SWIM sometimes breaks the flow of Love. SWIM shown how when she doesn't act with complete authenticity, when she breaks her word, when she escapes energetic build up, SWIM closes herself to Source. Returned to body, and everything in environment continued speaking of the lessons for 10-20 minutes more.

SWIM's experience confuses her, regarding previous explorations with spice. SWIM thinks use of spice while peaking on lsd led to shorter times in impersonal space and longer times in second and third stages described here. Sinister Gamemaster from previous explorations either no longer sinister, or replaced by other guides. SWIM understands a reaction of terror to this experience, and she feels surprised at suggestions of spice for completely unexperienced psychonauts.

SWIM now feels changes in her body, where flow of Love had been blocked. SWIM bubbles with gratitude.

 

[ragabr]

SWIM has integrated much of the journey and feels like she has more to share.

First the carrier built from a low rumble in the distance, sweeping in at a high rate. SWIM's sense of Self underwent rapid decompression, exploding into the territory of hyperspace. Three different teachers guided the release, Orange, Green and Red. They conveyed specific lessons regarding difficult engagements she had in hyperspace previously.

While exploring high-dose mushroom sessions, aspects of personality manifested in SWIM that resulted in damage to several close relationships. SWIM's histories that identified with these subpersonalities did not seem sufficient for the amount of energy expressed by them. In the explorations, mushroom taught her that race traumas had led to triggers in the human psyche which then bound to personal historical events. SWIM came to understand that by consciously engaging these forces and integrating them, she redeemed the past, in a manner. All of the suffering of our ancestors can be given meaning instead of disappearing into naught.

The hyperspace instructors explained to her that some of these race traumas happened from encounters between our ancestors and hyperspace. These misconnects recursively manifested in my own experiences. Much like ghostman describes:

on freebase the work they do is right in my head with probes and they are programming my Consciousness Interface - they are mapping me, finding the optimal method of plugging me into the shared consciousness.

A large part of SWIM's growth, over the past decade, has been allowing intimacy. To feel safe with others touching her, even casually, took a lot of work. This craving for physical isolation (creating a shadow starving for loving touch) drove very much SWIM's social development as well. Primates bond by grooming, after all.

After processing this journey, and the lessons, SWIM understands very much better the apparition of the Sinister Gamemaster. LSD, mushrooms and ayahuasca all respected her comfort zones, and gradually took her further and further. With Spice, SWIM confronted teachers who had access to all of her, even areas inaccessible to her normal consciousness. The previous journeys with Spice kept SWIM in a playpen, exposing SWIM to deeply dissociated aspects of her Self. With this breakthrough, SWIM had been guided out of the playpen, which she takes to mean that she has integrated her Self sufficiently that she is mature enough to engage on a larger level.

SWIM feels unsure about the reality of race traumas. Perhaps they were simply a metaphor, guiding her to more effectively engage her own growth.

Thank you.