EssCee
Rising Star
So...it's about damn time. I have been putting this off until I put a lot of my baggage behind me.
So what can I say, I'm Mr. Friendly. I have a hard time remembering I can't give too much information about myself just based on what we talk about here.
So why did I come here? Someone I care about is dying and I am their protector. In order to let that person go, I had to know what was beyond rather than go on blind faith.
I come from a pretty strong Catholic faith. I feel I chose it. I liked what I saw and what it had people doing by giving up their lives for missionary work etc. I have faith, which also leaves me with the understanding I could be very wrong.
Many including McKenna said a DMT breakthrough is the way to the spirit world, and many others have said not to take this lightly. At first to me the reports of breakthroughs was tin foil hat, then I saw a dozen breakthrough reports, then four dozen and I tried to find patterns with people who had near death experiences and out of body experiences. That led me here.
A lot of things started matching up, and I had what I consider to be a major shift. So I started reading, and harvesting bark and reading more.. I had to go through what I consider to be a real "ego death" since this challenged my very being. If the OBE's were right and there is a God, but not what I was told.. How would that affect a life built on the premise of a Just God and universe. Furthermore we are taught that there are spirits and unless they are sent from God they are here to deceive and lie to us. This so happens to go along perfectly with NGC_'s stories that ended up in the lexicon. Between that the Pomegranate has DMT and was the apple we were punished for eating, add that to Dr Straussman's same claim and McKenna's forbidden knowledge lectures and I am not too far of from theories by the GodFathers of our modern movement.
Needless to say this made me take things very seriously.
“What if I pray over there?”
“Has anyone seen any named angels?”
“Will I be attacked if I call on my faith?” etc.
I had honestly told myself I would do it the one time to find out for myself, then walk away and play dumb for the sake of stability and the understanding I have 5-6 people depending on me functioning daily.
My first step back in was Haoma. It was pretty traumatic. I got a lot out about myself and my family and I was remarkably kind of proud of who I was.
That turned pretty ugly as I thought I poisoned myself on Rue. Then proceeded to cry about the issues in my family for about an hour. While good for me.. I was way too tired and the earlier failed attempt had pumped me full of rue.
Then, I stopped and took a step back. I realized how much importance I had put on this journey. How I am a go-big or go-home type with my hobbies and well this isn't one of those kind of hobbies. Also I wanted guidance. It felt like I was still looking for answers to questions that don't have straight answers.
Levianthansbane took me under his wing and started off with a lot of guidance. I took 7 days off from chat and started listening to Alan Watts. Started meditating, started my first plant in years and very noticeably more relaxed.
It helped a lot with what I like to call “Real Ego Death”. Changing who you are here slowly over time based on new information rather than in an instant with DMT. I felt like I needed to put myself on a time out since it was too important.
Now over 2 months later I feel like I am ready to start treading back in.
I have some goals pre-breakthrough.
1. Clean my house out.. Throwing away everything that is just “there” or selling it.
2. Create my garden
a. Cacti
b. Vines
c. Plants
3. Get off the synthetic weed.
4. Spending a few days with kids doing what they want to do.
5. Taking a “big kid” mushroom trip.
Then hyperspace.
I owe most of my new hobbies to the site and people here so thank you! I have been waiting to do this for a while. I wanted to make sure that while my crisis isn't going to be over for years, I was able to "carry water, chop wood".
Thanks,
esSCee
So what can I say, I'm Mr. Friendly. I have a hard time remembering I can't give too much information about myself just based on what we talk about here.
So why did I come here? Someone I care about is dying and I am their protector. In order to let that person go, I had to know what was beyond rather than go on blind faith.
I come from a pretty strong Catholic faith. I feel I chose it. I liked what I saw and what it had people doing by giving up their lives for missionary work etc. I have faith, which also leaves me with the understanding I could be very wrong.
Many including McKenna said a DMT breakthrough is the way to the spirit world, and many others have said not to take this lightly. At first to me the reports of breakthroughs was tin foil hat, then I saw a dozen breakthrough reports, then four dozen and I tried to find patterns with people who had near death experiences and out of body experiences. That led me here.
A lot of things started matching up, and I had what I consider to be a major shift. So I started reading, and harvesting bark and reading more.. I had to go through what I consider to be a real "ego death" since this challenged my very being. If the OBE's were right and there is a God, but not what I was told.. How would that affect a life built on the premise of a Just God and universe. Furthermore we are taught that there are spirits and unless they are sent from God they are here to deceive and lie to us. This so happens to go along perfectly with NGC_'s stories that ended up in the lexicon. Between that the Pomegranate has DMT and was the apple we were punished for eating, add that to Dr Straussman's same claim and McKenna's forbidden knowledge lectures and I am not too far of from theories by the GodFathers of our modern movement.
Needless to say this made me take things very seriously.
“What if I pray over there?”
“Has anyone seen any named angels?”
“Will I be attacked if I call on my faith?” etc.
I had honestly told myself I would do it the one time to find out for myself, then walk away and play dumb for the sake of stability and the understanding I have 5-6 people depending on me functioning daily.
My first step back in was Haoma. It was pretty traumatic. I got a lot out about myself and my family and I was remarkably kind of proud of who I was.
That turned pretty ugly as I thought I poisoned myself on Rue. Then proceeded to cry about the issues in my family for about an hour. While good for me.. I was way too tired and the earlier failed attempt had pumped me full of rue.
Then, I stopped and took a step back. I realized how much importance I had put on this journey. How I am a go-big or go-home type with my hobbies and well this isn't one of those kind of hobbies. Also I wanted guidance. It felt like I was still looking for answers to questions that don't have straight answers.
Levianthansbane took me under his wing and started off with a lot of guidance. I took 7 days off from chat and started listening to Alan Watts. Started meditating, started my first plant in years and very noticeably more relaxed.
It helped a lot with what I like to call “Real Ego Death”. Changing who you are here slowly over time based on new information rather than in an instant with DMT. I felt like I needed to put myself on a time out since it was too important.
Now over 2 months later I feel like I am ready to start treading back in.
I have some goals pre-breakthrough.
1. Clean my house out.. Throwing away everything that is just “there” or selling it.
2. Create my garden
a. Cacti
b. Vines
c. Plants
3. Get off the synthetic weed.
4. Spending a few days with kids doing what they want to do.
5. Taking a “big kid” mushroom trip.
Then hyperspace.
I owe most of my new hobbies to the site and people here so thank you! I have been waiting to do this for a while. I wanted to make sure that while my crisis isn't going to be over for years, I was able to "carry water, chop wood".
Thanks,
esSCee
