Hi, my name is Jason.
I took DMT once three years ago. I had tripped on mushrooms a few times and I thought I knew what tripping was, it was like i was invincible, like i was a child. I didn't know anlything about it but I jumped right in. I was with a couple old college guys and took a hit off a bong with a bowl and three veteran doses on top and somehow managed to smoke it all. Then everything went to complete shit. I really couldn't begin to describe, i'm sure if your reading this then you know what I mean there. My brain exploded, I could see parts of my skull floating around and fucked up two-dimentional, cyclops, octopuses tore appart my brain. I saw my mother, though she wasn't there, screaming. I knew I was dead. during several "waves of wasps" i heard a womanlike voice cooing over me,cradling my empty gaping skull, and later a mans voice which led me like an extended hand (which in desperate frenzy i took) and simply said "look" "watch" and "let me show you" at different hallways of kallidascope infinity.
Since then I've been in a pretty bad way. For the first couple weeks I had nightmares. Id wake up almost screaming and crawl into the corner under my bed still able to feel slippery brains dripping down my face and cry myself to sleep. Everytime I heard a siren I would have a kind of fit. I was completely broken. And I'm just gonna say I'm not someone who goes down without a fight, but there was no fight. Just complete desctruction of God within me.
Two months later when I was drinkin a 40 at midnight or so in a park in the hills with my best friend (none of my friends understood, nor could I relay in full what i was feeling) I saw the sky tear open and it was a giant eye in the sky, with the iris made up of sawblades and skinless lions,the whites a black hole to oblivion, and the pupil a furnace so white hot it burned you where you stood. I new that it was hell coming to claim my soul, and needless to say I freaked out.
Somehow it hasnt stopped, like a scar in my brain that i can't brush over. the next 4 or so times I took shrooms (I took 6 grams a week later, bad idea) I reverted to bad flashback trip 2.0. complete intro-pain sequence. Everytime i closed my eyes I saw tearing meat with teeth and eyes stuck happhazardly throughout. and everytime i opened them i saw that plasma screen burn made up of a thousand screaming faces.
I went to school, having just gotten out of high school. I began training as a merchant marine. I drank myself to death during that time. I blacked out every night for weeks at a time. My grades were pretty good, but I felt i was in a cage. I began to think of my soul as a ghost in the shell that was my walking corpse. I did some fucked up shit during that time. two years in which i earned a reputation as a mad guitar playing drunk. I jumped off of roofs, got in trouble with police, and embarrases myself most of the time as well as getting the shit kicked out of me on multiple occaisions. I sailed the south pacific, and made enemies of most of the management. I broke into the Australian botanical gardens and blacked out in them,and smuggled booze on board the ship (a expulsion worthy offence) and i painted the class murrel, which is the only real accomplishment I think I really did. Then I was kicked out during my second year.
Now, I live in a rathole and drink myself to sleep any night i can afford it. I used to be The People Person, I used to have my life and its place in the world figured out. Now...I sometimes feel i blame the DMT for my problems, like a skape-goat, but i..i really couldn't say. It all comes back to it. I am black inside, where before i was a soulful wanderer, i am sick, but i cant bring myself to get proffesional help because it goes against everything I ever believed about my personal strength and what would they know anyway. I don't know what to do anymore. maybe DMT just brought to light the evils in me. but i don't think im an evil person, im actually a pretty personable person when im not drunk as all get out. I am just hurt inside and it wont go away and i dont know what to do anymore, has anyone had an experience like this?
-when i sleep, all i hear is screams, and id have killed myself long ago if it werent for the terror of finding what i fear at the end in eternity.
I took DMT once three years ago. I had tripped on mushrooms a few times and I thought I knew what tripping was, it was like i was invincible, like i was a child. I didn't know anlything about it but I jumped right in. I was with a couple old college guys and took a hit off a bong with a bowl and three veteran doses on top and somehow managed to smoke it all. Then everything went to complete shit. I really couldn't begin to describe, i'm sure if your reading this then you know what I mean there. My brain exploded, I could see parts of my skull floating around and fucked up two-dimentional, cyclops, octopuses tore appart my brain. I saw my mother, though she wasn't there, screaming. I knew I was dead. during several "waves of wasps" i heard a womanlike voice cooing over me,cradling my empty gaping skull, and later a mans voice which led me like an extended hand (which in desperate frenzy i took) and simply said "look" "watch" and "let me show you" at different hallways of kallidascope infinity.
Since then I've been in a pretty bad way. For the first couple weeks I had nightmares. Id wake up almost screaming and crawl into the corner under my bed still able to feel slippery brains dripping down my face and cry myself to sleep. Everytime I heard a siren I would have a kind of fit. I was completely broken. And I'm just gonna say I'm not someone who goes down without a fight, but there was no fight. Just complete desctruction of God within me.
Two months later when I was drinkin a 40 at midnight or so in a park in the hills with my best friend (none of my friends understood, nor could I relay in full what i was feeling) I saw the sky tear open and it was a giant eye in the sky, with the iris made up of sawblades and skinless lions,the whites a black hole to oblivion, and the pupil a furnace so white hot it burned you where you stood. I new that it was hell coming to claim my soul, and needless to say I freaked out.
Somehow it hasnt stopped, like a scar in my brain that i can't brush over. the next 4 or so times I took shrooms (I took 6 grams a week later, bad idea) I reverted to bad flashback trip 2.0. complete intro-pain sequence. Everytime i closed my eyes I saw tearing meat with teeth and eyes stuck happhazardly throughout. and everytime i opened them i saw that plasma screen burn made up of a thousand screaming faces.
I went to school, having just gotten out of high school. I began training as a merchant marine. I drank myself to death during that time. I blacked out every night for weeks at a time. My grades were pretty good, but I felt i was in a cage. I began to think of my soul as a ghost in the shell that was my walking corpse. I did some fucked up shit during that time. two years in which i earned a reputation as a mad guitar playing drunk. I jumped off of roofs, got in trouble with police, and embarrases myself most of the time as well as getting the shit kicked out of me on multiple occaisions. I sailed the south pacific, and made enemies of most of the management. I broke into the Australian botanical gardens and blacked out in them,and smuggled booze on board the ship (a expulsion worthy offence) and i painted the class murrel, which is the only real accomplishment I think I really did. Then I was kicked out during my second year.
Now, I live in a rathole and drink myself to sleep any night i can afford it. I used to be The People Person, I used to have my life and its place in the world figured out. Now...I sometimes feel i blame the DMT for my problems, like a skape-goat, but i..i really couldn't say. It all comes back to it. I am black inside, where before i was a soulful wanderer, i am sick, but i cant bring myself to get proffesional help because it goes against everything I ever believed about my personal strength and what would they know anyway. I don't know what to do anymore. maybe DMT just brought to light the evils in me. but i don't think im an evil person, im actually a pretty personable person when im not drunk as all get out. I am just hurt inside and it wont go away and i dont know what to do anymore, has anyone had an experience like this?
-when i sleep, all i hear is screams, and id have killed myself long ago if it werent for the terror of finding what i fear at the end in eternity.
