Crisis and curiosity

[Collingwood]

Hi everyone,

I'm 22 years old and am only very recently introduced to DMT and its effects. I've had it twice - prepared in a brew by myself, amateurishly. However, being ridiculously curious by nature, unabated by the fact that I really had no idea what I was doing, I followed a sheet set of photocopied instructions: after grinding seeds to brew with bark, water, and vitamin C, my girlfriend and I each had a glass. I wasn't prepared for the experience that I had, but I was excited (having had experience with LSD and mushrooms, among other, lighter drugs such as cannabis, MDMA and the like): it was the LSD and mushrooms that really opened me up to the incredible awe to be had still by he who ventures beyond to 'see for himself' - I DID see, and wanted to see more, perceiving risks I had learned about by doing my own extensive research, but still being inextricably drawn. I had my beliefs about the world - that I didn't understand, but wasn't about to take everyone else's answers and apply them to myself. I had to see for myself and knew that there was more to life than the framework of science's definitive answers.

I knew there was danger involved. I went forward anyway. I had felt the fear and had been left drifting in fearful bewilderment before (on mushrooms), but I wasn't dissuaded. Unfortunately or not, I was encouraged more than ever before after I had my first experience, with my girlfriend, on DMT. I had never felt more complete nor more centred and able to express myself than I had felt on that night. We had a beautiful time together, and I felt glad about the future. Having had a rough time in life however still buoyed by the wonder and curiosity I had still retained somehow, this was like drinking water in the desert, or smelling flowers, or something incredibly and stupidly enlightening like that. It wasnt even earth-shattering hallucinogenic like the LSD and mushrooms had been, but I had an experience that I'll never forget.

I started to experience a change in my waking reality following that night, however, and it came on gradually. I was being pulled into two, or being made aware of something else inside myself, and even in my environment (incredibly) - or what, I don't know. I thought that I was being made aware of being a "dual personality" - did I even know what that was? But actually, things started to sour, and would do so and are still. They were good before bad, don't get me wrong. I was so consumed by the huge, good potential of the situation, that I might have been onto something new and amazing about some undiscovered truth about myself and was being initiated into the next, good phase of my life, that I didn't realize or consider the bad potentials there could be, as well.

This is where I'm at today, and things have gone down with gusto, as I said. They have never been so strange or so hard for me to deal with. I'm living a reality that I really can't explain unless I get really detailed here; I've only scratched the surface; so I'll spare you! Im able to attend two classes with enormous effort and am able to stay rational for the most part, but something has changed and continues to change in me, and it's replacing my original conception of what it means to have a life in this world with something that I don't understand enough of. I've come here to talk to you all, that I might ground myself and gain some insight from you who have been intimately acquainted with this - what is 'this', "DMT"?

So I hope that by explaining myself and by staying open, I will learn more and will be able to stay aloft in this storm. It's difficult and sometimes it seems hopeless. But I'm still in a state of awe and wonder: I have to know more! So I hope that I can co-mingle well. I might be able to help out by sharing my story and maybe pose an example for others, if we can figure out where I went wrong, or by sharing my story as it unfolds for me. I would like to contribute to the collective education of everyone else, if I can. But needless to say that I'm alive now because I haven't felt my curiosity die yet, that which is my lifesaver I'm clutching to, and so joining in an effort to find air for whenever its sides get holes poked into it.

Stupid fool I am, too risky, but I'm still alive! Thanks for reading.

 

[ragabr]

Welcome to the Nexus. Would you say this feels like the onset of confusion, in your thoughts, or just upsets to your previous beliefs? Advice on disrupted cognition differs very much from an existential crisis.

 

[Jumper]

Hi there. Good first post. Some of it resonates with me.
I know of the hopelessness of which you write. I don't know what to say since everyone's situation is unique. Hang in there and know there is light at the end. When the imposing force of hyperspace hits one for the first time, it tends to destroy belief systems. There is much to learn here and in hyperspace.

Stupid fool I am, too risky, but I'm still alive! Thanks for reading.

From the way you write, you're far from being a fool, nor a stupid one. I have fucked up severely before in life, but it was a necessary learning experience. It doesn't mean one is any less intelligent or wise. It just is. Sometimes you just gotta say
Fuck It and take the risk.

Welcome to the Nexus.

 

[Collingwood]

ragabr: This is an existential crisis to be sure. My cognition and ordered thought are all intact. I don't have fugues or confusion. Rather I have been going through what seemed at one point, a kind of integration and reworking through old or untouched aspects of self, however these aspects dont seem to be having any of the effects one would anticipate.

There are phases in that there are definitive changes to how I'm experiencing my waking consciousness (perception of entities, seeing vibrations in the air and perceiving more light/radiant energy, perceiving forces that influence my body preferentially to different movements, as some examples), but as these phases pass, I don't perceive progress that suggests any reason or rhyme to the sequence of phases... or what I can expect, or why it seems like I'm being 'possessed' sometimes (accompanied, harrassed, invaded - I'd use all those terms, even though I dont fit the bill for schizophrenia at all... not yet).

I guess it could be just one, long and drawn out high. But this has been going on since the beginning of February... or perhaps triggered noticably at that time and started long before, I wonder.

 

[Collingwood]

Hi there. Good first post. Some of it resonates with me.
I know of the hopelessness of which you write. I don't know what to say since everyone's situation is unique. Hang in there and know there is light at the end. When the imposing force of hyperspace hits one for the first time, it tends to destroy belief systems. There is much to learn here and in hyperspace.

Stupid fool I am, too risky, but I'm still alive! Thanks for reading.

From the way you write, you're far from being a fool, nor a stupid one. I have fucked up severely before in life, but it was a necessary learning experience. It doesn't mean one is any less intelligent or wise. It just is. Sometimes you just gotta say
Fuck It and take the risk.

Welcome to the Nexus.

Well I hope you're right, I really do. Sometimes I think I see a reason to stay hopeful and the rest of the time I do find I say something like 'fuck it', hahaha...ah!