thewinningtaste
john
ok...where to start... hmmmm. its been two days since my first "breakthrough" into "hyperspace" and i still dont know how to put this all. i gess i can start with how my night had progressed. now, realize as your reading this that i did not know much about this "spice" and was quite ill informed about what i did know. i knew it was strong.. and really i think thats it. anyways..
so a friend who djs invited me to a party last saturday. i had been drinking and decided that this was a good idea. so we convinced a couple of my roomates to join us for the short ride and ferry trip out there. i decided if this was a more rave like atmosphere, that maybe i should roll. so i saw molly on the way out there. 200mg? round there. anyways, off to a good night right? so when we get out to the "party" at the "compound", it wasnt entirely like the party i had envisioned. it was more of a..uhhh, hippie commune? and upon walking in the front door, i realized how naked most of the people were and how many of them were touching eachother. now, im an open minded person and i really enjoy going out of my bubble as much as possible. so i start mingling and meeting (actually shaved) cute, naked, girls. they smile at me, we hug, we talk. pretty cool. old people, young people, and lots of sex everywhere. and i mean everywhere. i had never seen anything like this. so, after my friend, my room mates and i decide to "feel the love" and hot tub naked, i was talking to someone there about the substances he had and he offered me M.A. ive done it before but am not really a fan, but i decided, what the hell? right? so after a nasal dance with tina, i was FeElin it pretty hard and just kept enjoying all the hippy-ness til about 5 in the morning. so, you have the setting and other things inside me now so
ill pause here for sllllllighty more background.
so, depression, anxiety, and alcoholism has run amuck in my family. and i had pretty good control over it until the last year of my life. its has been pretty bad. i lost my parents, my job, and my house in a months time and kinda went downhill with drinking. losing more. til i went to jail for (literally) something i didnt do, (ferseriously.. DID NOT DO) which helped the drinking, but compounded the depression and really brewed my hate for this world. i work with life well, i always see the bright side, love making people laugh, and am really a sweetheart. i have tattoos and i do look intimidating i guess, but i am totally a nice guy. and im only speaking so candidly because this is online and i dont have to see your eyes looking at me. if you met me on the street you would probly wouldnt guess that i am so crushingly sad and empty on the inside. haha, sorry, ANYwaysss, the last couple months ive been watching a lotta documentaries, like the zeitgeist films, prison planet stuff, and wake up call (great movie, look it up! also see an american war) because ive been wanting to write more serious music about things that i feel seriously about without lamenting about my life in a lame way. but these movies are scary in a very real way. im only getting more and more into a, ftw mentaility. the thing i still have going for me.. is that i got moxy! haha. seriously. im a strong willed funny relatively intelligent individual who only wants to always do the right thing and smile as much as posible. but with that, i am very sick of this disgusting planet and want some real change. but it happen wont. we all know it. hybrid cars and donations wont save us. so i have set aside a plan, should death happen to cross my path. i wont jump in front of it, but i wont move if its aiming at me. im ok with dieing. as long as it wasnt my fault and i tried my hardest to have the right morals and do the right thing while im here, ill be happy to go. (sorry your putting up with this personal crap, its over now though) so enough with the mindset, we move forward.
so, its about 520 or so when the five of us take some yoga mats, a pipe, and some spice into the woods and sit in a circle. the person who had this stuff is semi explaining to me what this spice is (never done it) and that ill still be cognitive and he hasnt seen anyone lose their shit on it. i handle my substances pretty well, so im not too worried about that. he seemed to dump quite a bit into this glass dick and tells us all to hit it as hard and long as we can and hold it for as long as we can. so, he lights it for the friend, then the second room mate, then the me, then the first room mate. i really ripped it. very hard. and pretty much as soon as i leaned back there was a loud pop with a noise like when neo takes the red pill and leaves the matrix but more high pitched. i went limp and everyone disintigrated into white, and a voice was explaining to me that was it. i was dead. make peace with it. i saw my life in an instant, its story ending with sitting down and pressing this button that killed me. it was the worst feeling ive ever had. and anyone who knows the feeling knows that its a serious understatement. its horrible. and beautiful at the same time. i was alone in an infinite place with just me and my mind. which, mind you, as a child was my worst fear. dieing into absolute nothing. and being stuck there, with no one but myself. that and losing my parents. i was crying with a smile on and recolecting how good of a ride it was and it was seriously over and i was suprised i missed it. but it was ok. this is what i always wanted and the suprise factor of it all was easy to deal with. i had little to no clue what was going on besides the obvious fact that life was over. no real idea how it had ended... awesome.... the voices stopped talking and i sat in peace for a moment...
and suddenly there was another extremely loud pop and..
the first thing i came back to was my room mate holding me and saying its ok. just calm down. and wiping me with a towel. at the time, i had no idea who she was or what she was saying. total confusion and panic. i halfway look around the circle and everyone is looking at me. with pretty concerned looks on their faces. and all saying things i dont understand. the first thing i heard that made perfect sense and was clear as day to me was "that was intense". and as i begin to regain more and more conciousness, my friend hands me a cigarette. still not able to speak, i sit there confused, but alive. and with a smoke. cool.. after a couple minutes i finally was able to ask if anyone wanted to tell me what happened...
so apparently when i popped, i fell back, leaned forward, fell back, leaned forward again, this time projectile vomiting bright green about four feet accross the circle. hitting the guy who brought me (not a direct hit, but i did feel bad) at which point room mate number one put her arms around me and held me. room mate number two ran to get a towel. and the other two watched. room mate one described me kinda like this; nothing inside, nobody home. but with distinct fear and hate in my eyes. she just kept telling me id be alright. after i came out of it room mate number two took a pic and in it, im laying back and im entirerly blue.
so i am having serious trouble "itergrating" this in so many ways. theres alot more that makes sense to me now then it did right after i snapped out of it, like how horribly afraid of my friend i was, because he, the chesire cat, knew everything that happened to me and he let it happen. and room mate two talking about a my rebirth. and tons more thatll make this post just random and excessive.. so the car ride home, i couldnt get over what happened. i didnt know itd be so intense, and the with the picture of me, i was 100% sure that i died. it was the (honestly) the first spiritual feeling ive ever had. the first time that ive ever felt connected to something. maybe its just been so long that i was so empty inside, it was like the way i see christians feel about god. i was ok with the end now. but oh man did i want to live. i figured, well now i know that there really is nothing after, so enjoy the shit of this place while i can. the whole ride back was beautiful. everything i saw, and smelled, just amazing. and i was so appreciative of this place. i met this really cute girl on the ferry back, and got her information so we could go out sometime. when i got home, i started looking into overdoses and exactly what happened. after finding this site, i gained much insight about it all and know what i did was just wrong in so many ways.and if anyone has any remarks on my stupidity, ill take it with a spoonful of sugar. so that was the trip
and heres the after math.
so like i said, im having trouble making sense of all this. i feel like ive completely changed as a person. i dont want to be so god dam nice anymore. i dont like people taking my kindness for weakness and me being "the bigger person" and not stomping their face in. i dont really mean id do it in such ways. but when i have to, i can stand up for myself. physically and verbally. i just have always chose not to go down to someones level, unless its a last option or theyre just generally pissing me off (which doesnt happen often). im tired of this beautiful place be peoples dump, for their religous, materialistic, power hungry issues. it seems to be kinda strange sounding, but coming back to reality so glad to be here, but even more angry and empty. like, i think it might be something with loving this place more and hating how its misused... yea. i think it is. i dont hate this world, i hate the people who are so concerned with themselves that nothing else is important. and thats at least 90%..anyways, im just not the same person i was. its cool though, but i really messed my head up, and i hope itll end soon.the old me was bitter and cold inside trying to be void of emotion. but now i really am empty. i almost cried countless times today. but for no reason. the breif periods of time in my day that i spent not thinking about the last couple months, is when the overwhelming urge to purge some tears kept hitting me.
i guess ive said enough. maybe too mugh i dont know.. well, id really like to talk about this whole experience. thats all ive wanted to do since it happened, but no one i know has gone through this. PLEASE, ask some questions or tell me something. please just talk me. if you want to see the pic, just let me know if its ok to post and i will.
i really enjoy this site, and am grateful for it. id honestly like to be a member of this online community. especially its philosophical aspects. i feel like there is alot i can learn from here and need to learn.
i dont know if im ever gonna do spice again, but i know i want to figure out more before i do if anything.
thanks for listening and filling me in on what mightve happened to me. (i figure it mightve been ego death in a sense)
~guest
so a friend who djs invited me to a party last saturday. i had been drinking and decided that this was a good idea. so we convinced a couple of my roomates to join us for the short ride and ferry trip out there. i decided if this was a more rave like atmosphere, that maybe i should roll. so i saw molly on the way out there. 200mg? round there. anyways, off to a good night right? so when we get out to the "party" at the "compound", it wasnt entirely like the party i had envisioned. it was more of a..uhhh, hippie commune? and upon walking in the front door, i realized how naked most of the people were and how many of them were touching eachother. now, im an open minded person and i really enjoy going out of my bubble as much as possible. so i start mingling and meeting (actually shaved) cute, naked, girls. they smile at me, we hug, we talk. pretty cool. old people, young people, and lots of sex everywhere. and i mean everywhere. i had never seen anything like this. so, after my friend, my room mates and i decide to "feel the love" and hot tub naked, i was talking to someone there about the substances he had and he offered me M.A. ive done it before but am not really a fan, but i decided, what the hell? right? so after a nasal dance with tina, i was FeElin it pretty hard and just kept enjoying all the hippy-ness til about 5 in the morning. so, you have the setting and other things inside me now so
ill pause here for sllllllighty more background.
so, depression, anxiety, and alcoholism has run amuck in my family. and i had pretty good control over it until the last year of my life. its has been pretty bad. i lost my parents, my job, and my house in a months time and kinda went downhill with drinking. losing more. til i went to jail for (literally) something i didnt do, (ferseriously.. DID NOT DO) which helped the drinking, but compounded the depression and really brewed my hate for this world. i work with life well, i always see the bright side, love making people laugh, and am really a sweetheart. i have tattoos and i do look intimidating i guess, but i am totally a nice guy. and im only speaking so candidly because this is online and i dont have to see your eyes looking at me. if you met me on the street you would probly wouldnt guess that i am so crushingly sad and empty on the inside. haha, sorry, ANYwaysss, the last couple months ive been watching a lotta documentaries, like the zeitgeist films, prison planet stuff, and wake up call (great movie, look it up! also see an american war) because ive been wanting to write more serious music about things that i feel seriously about without lamenting about my life in a lame way. but these movies are scary in a very real way. im only getting more and more into a, ftw mentaility. the thing i still have going for me.. is that i got moxy! haha. seriously. im a strong willed funny relatively intelligent individual who only wants to always do the right thing and smile as much as posible. but with that, i am very sick of this disgusting planet and want some real change. but it happen wont. we all know it. hybrid cars and donations wont save us. so i have set aside a plan, should death happen to cross my path. i wont jump in front of it, but i wont move if its aiming at me. im ok with dieing. as long as it wasnt my fault and i tried my hardest to have the right morals and do the right thing while im here, ill be happy to go. (sorry your putting up with this personal crap, its over now though) so enough with the mindset, we move forward.
so, its about 520 or so when the five of us take some yoga mats, a pipe, and some spice into the woods and sit in a circle. the person who had this stuff is semi explaining to me what this spice is (never done it) and that ill still be cognitive and he hasnt seen anyone lose their shit on it. i handle my substances pretty well, so im not too worried about that. he seemed to dump quite a bit into this glass dick and tells us all to hit it as hard and long as we can and hold it for as long as we can. so, he lights it for the friend, then the second room mate, then the me, then the first room mate. i really ripped it. very hard. and pretty much as soon as i leaned back there was a loud pop with a noise like when neo takes the red pill and leaves the matrix but more high pitched. i went limp and everyone disintigrated into white, and a voice was explaining to me that was it. i was dead. make peace with it. i saw my life in an instant, its story ending with sitting down and pressing this button that killed me. it was the worst feeling ive ever had. and anyone who knows the feeling knows that its a serious understatement. its horrible. and beautiful at the same time. i was alone in an infinite place with just me and my mind. which, mind you, as a child was my worst fear. dieing into absolute nothing. and being stuck there, with no one but myself. that and losing my parents. i was crying with a smile on and recolecting how good of a ride it was and it was seriously over and i was suprised i missed it. but it was ok. this is what i always wanted and the suprise factor of it all was easy to deal with. i had little to no clue what was going on besides the obvious fact that life was over. no real idea how it had ended... awesome.... the voices stopped talking and i sat in peace for a moment...
and suddenly there was another extremely loud pop and..
the first thing i came back to was my room mate holding me and saying its ok. just calm down. and wiping me with a towel. at the time, i had no idea who she was or what she was saying. total confusion and panic. i halfway look around the circle and everyone is looking at me. with pretty concerned looks on their faces. and all saying things i dont understand. the first thing i heard that made perfect sense and was clear as day to me was "that was intense". and as i begin to regain more and more conciousness, my friend hands me a cigarette. still not able to speak, i sit there confused, but alive. and with a smoke. cool.. after a couple minutes i finally was able to ask if anyone wanted to tell me what happened...
so apparently when i popped, i fell back, leaned forward, fell back, leaned forward again, this time projectile vomiting bright green about four feet accross the circle. hitting the guy who brought me (not a direct hit, but i did feel bad) at which point room mate number one put her arms around me and held me. room mate number two ran to get a towel. and the other two watched. room mate one described me kinda like this; nothing inside, nobody home. but with distinct fear and hate in my eyes. she just kept telling me id be alright. after i came out of it room mate number two took a pic and in it, im laying back and im entirerly blue.
so i am having serious trouble "itergrating" this in so many ways. theres alot more that makes sense to me now then it did right after i snapped out of it, like how horribly afraid of my friend i was, because he, the chesire cat, knew everything that happened to me and he let it happen. and room mate two talking about a my rebirth. and tons more thatll make this post just random and excessive.. so the car ride home, i couldnt get over what happened. i didnt know itd be so intense, and the with the picture of me, i was 100% sure that i died. it was the (honestly) the first spiritual feeling ive ever had. the first time that ive ever felt connected to something. maybe its just been so long that i was so empty inside, it was like the way i see christians feel about god. i was ok with the end now. but oh man did i want to live. i figured, well now i know that there really is nothing after, so enjoy the shit of this place while i can. the whole ride back was beautiful. everything i saw, and smelled, just amazing. and i was so appreciative of this place. i met this really cute girl on the ferry back, and got her information so we could go out sometime. when i got home, i started looking into overdoses and exactly what happened. after finding this site, i gained much insight about it all and know what i did was just wrong in so many ways.and if anyone has any remarks on my stupidity, ill take it with a spoonful of sugar. so that was the trip
and heres the after math.
so like i said, im having trouble making sense of all this. i feel like ive completely changed as a person. i dont want to be so god dam nice anymore. i dont like people taking my kindness for weakness and me being "the bigger person" and not stomping their face in. i dont really mean id do it in such ways. but when i have to, i can stand up for myself. physically and verbally. i just have always chose not to go down to someones level, unless its a last option or theyre just generally pissing me off (which doesnt happen often). im tired of this beautiful place be peoples dump, for their religous, materialistic, power hungry issues. it seems to be kinda strange sounding, but coming back to reality so glad to be here, but even more angry and empty. like, i think it might be something with loving this place more and hating how its misused... yea. i think it is. i dont hate this world, i hate the people who are so concerned with themselves that nothing else is important. and thats at least 90%..anyways, im just not the same person i was. its cool though, but i really messed my head up, and i hope itll end soon.the old me was bitter and cold inside trying to be void of emotion. but now i really am empty. i almost cried countless times today. but for no reason. the breif periods of time in my day that i spent not thinking about the last couple months, is when the overwhelming urge to purge some tears kept hitting me.
i guess ive said enough. maybe too mugh i dont know.. well, id really like to talk about this whole experience. thats all ive wanted to do since it happened, but no one i know has gone through this. PLEASE, ask some questions or tell me something. please just talk me. if you want to see the pic, just let me know if its ok to post and i will.
i really enjoy this site, and am grateful for it. id honestly like to be a member of this online community. especially its philosophical aspects. i feel like there is alot i can learn from here and need to learn.
i dont know if im ever gonna do spice again, but i know i want to figure out more before i do if anything.
thanks for listening and filling me in on what mightve happened to me. (i figure it mightve been ego death in a sense)
~guest
