Death, infinite observer

[LoungeMusic]

Hi, I am 22 yo male. Prior to this strong experience I have only smoked weed with friends but never got any good experience of it, only a anti social feeling. I also tried LSD once, but it only got me super horny and than I saw some ancient symbols on the wall.

I have been interested in psychadelic after seeing intelectual people talking about them on youtube and taking the experiences seriously. Especially dr Stan Grof got me very interested. I was interested in both emotional healing and spirituality.

It was in Costa Rica, with two other random people and a Lady shaman that I had my first ayahuasca. We all had 2 cups as the standard. After the second cup the shaman told me : Sleep for two hours. To my surprise I did fall asleep. After I woke up I could feel the effects. Especially after I closed my eyes. I was in the dream world, but I was concious of myself. I remember saying to myself that I have always been here and that this is very familiar. After a while of these soft visuals, a strong feeling came over me. Im dyeing. I stand on my knees. Should I call the ambulance. My whole body is giving up. My whole body is telling my I am dying. I look at the helpers and shaman. I remember I didnt want to say Im dying because I didnt want to be a drama queen, so I just said help, I feel really really bad.
After that the shaman sat with me and calmed me a bit down. After this I just gave up. It felt what I believe death will exactly feel like.

First, as I gave up, I felt as if I was going completlly crazy. I was thinking that this is exactly how crazy people's mind must be like. I Told myself: I drank this shit and I poisoned myself, well done. Complete loss of controll. My eyes went rapidly out of my control from once side to the other.
As I was dying I saw every thought and idea being striped away from me. My name, how I thougt the sun rises every morning, every single thought of my reality as I formed it went away. I was also able to see my whole life up till that point as a single experience/ feeling. Interestingly, I only saw the first 7 years of my life when I had an epic childhood, having a great time of freedom and laughter at my grandparents who lived on the countryside. Non of the other 15 years showed up.
After this, after I was left without thoughts and ideas, there was just me, the infinite observer/ experiencer.

Now a lot of people mention the unity, the oneness, but what I felt was more of a lonelyness. Becuase in that state, it was the cruel truth, this intense feeling of "this is it", this is all that ever was, theres not going to be anything else. This is infinity. You in infinity and no-one else. And if you think about it its the way it is. You can have all your best friends, loving family around. You can be having sex and haing your penis in a girls body. But its still only you, from the time you are born all the way untill you die, it's only you.

After experiencing this state I also understood how time is an illussion, how from that point you can create the illusion of time in which we live now.
After that evening, I experienced it a few more times after waking up from a nap.

I later read about how few spiritual teachers talk about this "observer" v but I dont see anyone mentioning that It is very lonely. And there's also not too many people talking about it. After I got out of the experience I was very happy to meet my family and have this feeling of beeing with other people who love you.

What do you think, can you relate?

 

[Jin]

yes

 

[alex mowry]

(random metaphoric and meant to be humorously developed "nerdy-pick up line-joke") i think literactious-ally i have a bit of boner for you. :twisted: 8) XD i mean :?:

well anywaize, i literally feel the true meaning of being an admirer. i'm a wordophile and like your styles friend! :d

by chance have you gotten into a wonderful anime known as psycho-pass? i think you'll explode with emotion as you watch it if you're resceptive to one hell of a story?!!!! plus it has yet to be finished apparently.... mwuahaaa! ha.. ha... ha... ha.

meanwhile if you haven't indulged in anime you should considerately choose to get into "soul eater" "future diary" "tokyo ghoul" "beyond the boundary" and "fruits basket" oh oh oh but also "not" to mention dead man wonderland and elfen lied and and and ouran highschool host club and and and uhm black butler... god there's so many. but the main ones you "have" to watch (because i feel that way too; that terrible feeling of forboding... speakings of which; also check out "when they cry" sometimes and even squid girl... [i'm rambling dammit but hey i'm a rambler so it works out in the end] but anyway i don't even know where i'm going with any of this but i feel like its somewhere. mostly i think anime has ended up teaching me something and so i travel that teaching by subliminally messaging it every now and then.

its the same with "zefrank" youtube video's and sociology/social sciences-and-or-"skill(s)". and mental disorder awareness and stuff like that.


well anyhow, i bid thou adieu for now you should check out my challange-post thingy-maggiger sometimes because i'm collecting advocates for DMT and of course i hope for direct democrazy in this crazyness -ness -ness i'm hoping to construe!



well without further adieu... "adieu" *pointlessly bows fancily; pretending i am wearing a dress

 

[alex mowry]

yes

(*randomly and obnoxiously yells through a british accent*) "i dis- agree, agree agree. wait what?"

oh i remember what i "was" going to say: well i think that although everything feels lonely; i feel like a better literate-paradigm for that feel is that the "puzzles" "pieces" are "lost". and need to be returned and/or found.

i also think that as long as we are here together, the life span increases, the puzzle-pieces somehow seem like they've been in plain sight; and i kinda think that when we find a new community its this big thing for the individual; and to be human means being the biggest thing on the earth but in acutality, actually being something small to itself in a big context.

i like to help fellow loners out that way we're not all alone. just a little distraught because we're scattered a little to far from each person to the next.

well, i think that the three of us [currently] will turn out alright and probably die happy at least. lets just try to increase the life span and use that privledge with a motivating "resonsible" attitude about increasing one's own life; individually; as well as communually.

perhaps there needs to develope a science on the life-span and how one can increase it for all to enjoy?; and how to "connect the puzzle pieces so that the picture works better"; so to speak, i mean.

i'm unsure to be honest; but i do know two things for sure right now: life's too short; and hesitation costs you the feeling of each second. then life cycles and compacts and proccesses more and more into what i term personally as: "monotonous bullshit".

you know? that emotions thats like a cross between boredom, real fear (which real fear's a cautionary sign of "real" danger. or perhaps just a consideration of "real" danger and the method of understanding each "situation" as a whole and how to carry out methods of action without dampering each persons "path" or "flow" or personal agenda.

life's confusing; so as i always like to say personally [being a wordo- weirdo-phile] "write the fuck outta it!" basically and more professionally described "explain yorself to yourself for yourself So yourself can "be" and so that "being" is such a "bad" thing."

 

[alex mowry]

also, please do check out my "challange" in the first steps into hyperspace section? i'm gathering a very high quality collaboration of descriptions for aya and DMT. i'm personally interested in ayahuasca however i'm highly open to descriptions of DMT. i even insinuate that the challange itself is too big for anyone (lighthearted insinuation at least). this is hopefully to motivate many into a good "setting" for writting about their experiences so their "set" isn't so "distracted" or "numbed" because i'm going to insinuate that each person is partially subject to a loss of true willpower at least most the time.

the brain average brain(s) standard is to only process an amount of informational data that it can consciously integrate into "memory" (i think of "memory" as a very very very broad term for a higher understanding of "instinct").

i sort of like to think its the "organization" of proccessing that(s) most people's "problem" in "being" (alone or otherwise).

well, you definitely do need to at least watch zefrank's video on being alone. and maybe many others if that one seems interesting.

"you are never alone" so very true... a friend of mine used to tell me this anytime i'd think of killing myself or anytime i'd go downhill into a spiral [again and again as it came to seem]

unfortunately i can't talk to that person anymore. i miss them. but i acted foolishly once and it was foolish enough to affect them personally and enough for them to block them; at the time i think i was having a "calm" mental breakdown where i didn't realize what was even happening.

it was a time when i was hurt by myself mentally and emotionally. lets call myself a "non- physical self-harmer" but i'm also "recovered" mostly. but now i need a "home" to grow up in through "rebirth" and through getting a good slap in the face from life and the universe's darkly humorous ideal of "karma".

i'm very sad sometimes without that specific person there in my life. i loved them yeah, but i really loved them like a friend; those two emotions man... their confusing. they fucked everything up for me; just those two. and i didn't even realize "that" was what was going on through my head at the time.

you see; DMT probably does give you the answers. but being human; questioning the "truth" is actually important to our long-term survival. its to redefine what "truth" means.

i notice its not always the persons actions that are completely against "him". its "their" tool belt. but just because you may have a tool belt; (fancy or humble or otherwise); it doesn't mean you know how each tool can be used effectively and how "you" "should" use that "tool" from your "belt".

sometimes i think that i don't slow down for one second. and scarily; there's a sense of danger accompanied with that thought; overshadowed and diluted in true possability; submerged in a dark sense of conflict.

"i realize that life is too short. so when life's not naturally handing out free lemons and when life doesn't provide the lemonade or the stand or the money to obtain said lemonaide; find the lemon pasture and: "find your tree, pick a lemon, squeeze the thing, plant the seed. be the feelings to see what free even means to you and even to me. empathy, empathy, put yourself in the place of "me". can't you see? can't you see? this was how life thought itself meant to be. bleeding is the painful message one is alive. so don't hesitate to die; life span is an illusion through your mind's eye! so fellow fool; even if you still feel sad; don't you cry. don't you cry. because i know how and i know why. experience tells a bipolar tale, a hyperactive truth, and a stupidly "truely" "retarded"-lie." (official signature quote from within it(s) making!)" -- original source of quote is right here! meh heh bleh bleh!" -- *cough, cough, egoism* alex mowry! aaaleeex mowry! yeah... alex mowry... harry potter! harry! snape! harry! SNAPE! I"M HARRY POTTER! RON HEROMOINY! DUMBLEDORE! harry! SNAPE! HARRY! SNAPE! RON! RON! RON-WHEASLEE!!!"

okay i'm going to stahp there. too much even for me... XD

 

[hardboiled]

Hi, I am 22 yo male. Prior to this strong experience I have only smoked weed with friends but never got any good experience of it, only a anti social feeling. I also tried LSD once, but it only got me super horny and than I saw some ancient symbols on the wall.

I have been interested in psychadelic after seeing intelectual people talking about them on youtube and taking the experiences seriously. Especially dr Stan Grof got me very interested. I was interested in both emotional healing and spirituality.

It was in Costa Rica, with two other random people and a Lady shaman that I had my first ayahuasca. We all had 2 cups as the standard. After the second cup the shaman told me : Sleep for two hours. To my surprise I did fall asleep. After I woke up I could feel the effects. Especially after I closed my eyes. I was in the dream world, but I was concious of myself. I remember saying to myself that I have always been here and that this is very familiar. After a while of these soft visuals, a strong feeling came over me. Im dyeing. I stand on my knees. Should I call the ambulance. My whole body is giving up. My whole body is telling my I am dying. I look at the helpers and shaman. I remember I didnt want to say Im dying because I didnt want to be a drama queen, so I just said help, I feel really really bad.
After that the shaman sat with me and calmed me a bit down. After this I just gave up. It felt what I believe death will exactly feel like.

First, as I gave up, I felt as if I was going completlly crazy. I was thinking that this is exactly how crazy people's mind must be like. I Told myself: I drank this shit and I poisoned myself, well done. Complete loss of controll. My eyes went rapidly out of my control from once side to the other.
As I was dying I saw every thought and idea being striped away from me. My name, how I thougt the sun rises every morning, every single thought of my reality as I formed it went away. I was also able to see my whole life up till that point as a single experience/ feeling. Interestingly, I only saw the first 7 years of my life when I had an epic childhood, having a great time of freedom and laughter at my grandparents who lived on the countryside. Non of the other 15 years showed up.
After this, after I was left without thoughts and ideas, there was just me, the infinite observer/ experiencer.

Now a lot of people mention the unity, the oneness, but what I felt was more of a lonelyness. Becuase in that state, it was the cruel truth, this intense feeling of "this is it", this is all that ever was, theres not going to be anything else. This is infinity. You in infinity and no-one else. And if you think about it its the way it is. You can have all your best friends, loving family around. You can be having sex and haing your penis in a girls body. But its still only you, from the time you are born all the way untill you die, it's only you.

After experiencing this state I also understood how time is an illussion, how from that point you can create the illusion of time in which we live now.
After that evening, I experienced it a few more times after waking up from a nap.

I later read about how few spiritual teachers talk about this "observer" v but I dont see anyone mentioning that It is very lonely. And there's also not too many people talking about it. After I got out of the experience I was very happy to meet my family and have this feeling of beeing with other people who love you.

What do you think, can you relate?

One, is the loneliest number One, is the...

I AM is the Mother and Father of Everything and Loneliness is reason for this what we consider separate individual life experience. So far all of my big glimpses of IT have been revealing this to me.

I can relate my friend.

 

[Enoon]

Indeed hardboiled - we forget all encompassing unity so that the cosmic consciousness that we are does not feel so lonely. When we return to the state of unity we also return to the state of aloneness. At least this is one of my running theories.

Have you ever had a dream where one of the dream entities called you out - you the dreamer, the creator and master of the world. And yet this entity, a manifestation of your own mind, acts and behaves beyond your immediate or conscious control and even recognizes you, where you did not... I think sometimes when we go into altered states and connect with the godhead or the cosmic sentience, it's like that. We really are beyond it and within it at the same time. At least that what it feels like to me.

 

[zhoro]

Loneliness as far as there is desire. Otherwise - fullness and peace. The desire brings the multiplicity.