Last night I consumed a large amount of dmt-acetate (freebase dissolved in vinegar). It was my second time doing dmt. I wouldn't recommend anyone take an unsafe dosage. Although, I took it this one time, and I may never take it again (edit: months later, I have used many times, and have come to have a great relationshp with dmt, when dosing properly. Also, by this point, I am used to the unusual states that dmt presents, and so they are no longer terrifying). I wanted to take a big dose to confront fears I had with my own psyche. I got more than I bargained for.
I went out in to the woods at about 9:30pm, and walked for about 10 mins till I came to a ravine which had a view of a river and some city lights in the distance. This was the perfect spot, I thought, so I laid down a little mat and drank the vinegar (syrian rue already previously taken). I almost didn't even do the trip. When I saw the forest, it was pitch black. I looked at it and thought, "what am I doing? I can't do this, I'm afraid of that darkness even when I'm not on heavy psychedelics." But then I just kind of forced myself to go in to the forest and go through with my plan.
I took the drink with a good deal of discomfort. Within less than 10 minutes I already started to feel dizzy and like I needed to lie down. But that tired feeling quickly built to the gravity of God. I felt so heavy it felt like the mere weight my pupils was enough to sink me right in to the ground. This was far more intense than I wanted, and the trip hadn't even begun yet. For a few minutes, I struggled as hard as I could just to keep my head up. I fought and fought and fought, and each moment I could feel myself losing the fight. It seemed inevitable that I would eventually end up flat on the ground unable to rise. "Oh my God", I thought, "I might actually die here". I knew that as long as I could keep my head off the ground and keep breathing, I would live.
But the gravity became so intense that I felt I could no longer keep my head up. I was fighting for my life to keep my head up and keep breathing. I eventually lost the fight against gravity and my head went flat on the ground, and felt like it was sinking in to the earth. Pinned on the floor, my only job was to keep breathing. But this was a fight I also felt I was losing. Soon I felt I didn't even have the strength to breathe. "I can't...... I can't hold on...... I can't......... ugghhhhhhhhhhhh" and with that, I felt I was letting out my final breath. At the moment I let out my final breath, I got my first psychedelic vision. A multicolored skull appeared. At first it was my face, and the moment I let out that final breath, the skin came off and it turned in to a skull. To me, this confirmed without a doubt that I did in fact die at the moment I let out the breath, and this vision was a transition in to death. I was afraid, but not terrified. There was actually quite a sense of peace. It felt natural, like I was just transitioning to a natural state of existence. I had a thought that was something like, "I finally did it, I died. I guess it's game over". I cannot express the certainty I had that I was in fact, dead.
After the skull appeared, it was followed by..... something which I cannot possibly describe or comprehend. I was in a world of shapes and energy flying by so fast, showing me all this otherworldy information I can't express. There was a message I felt that was something like, "you have finally come back to me. You've always known you would return". It seemed as though there was something other than myself communicating with me.... yet this "other than self" thing was more ME than I can describe. It was so familar, and yet so alien compared to anything I have experienced up to that point. I was entranced by these visions for what seemed like a long time. Then I noticed something.... I noticed my own astonishment at what I was witnessing. "Wait a minute", I thought, "if I am aware that I am seeing this.... I think I might still be alive."
"HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!" I exploded up, gasping for air. I was amazed that I was still alive, and felt like I just barely made it through. I kept frantically breathing, not wanting to get sucked back down to that lifeless state. Oh my God. I was about 15 minutes in to the trip and it was already many times more intense than I ever would have wanted, or even imagined. I wasn't expecting this. What in the hell is this!? I knew I was going to experience something incredible, but this? THIS!? What is this? It was like my head was exploding with some kind of inner light, and a natural inner intelligence exploding in to this world. Gyroscopes and lasers and geometries were shooting out all over the place, as well as a vision of some indescribable deity. What in the hell was this geometry and deity I was seeing? In my life, I have done much pondering on God, and the universe. Some say God is all loving, all knowing, and omniscient. I have also had tastes of the Zen "no-thing" version of "God" being a non existence of sorts. But nothing, absolutely nothing I have ever experienced, thought of, dreamed of, hoped for, feared, loved, hated, or anything in between could possibly touch or convey whatever it was that I was experiencing. It was nothing like I ever expected, or would have possibly imagined. THIS?! What is this? This is just..... impossible. Somehow, it was beyond all knowing, beyond all loving, it was just..... damn.
I couldn't believe this might go on for several hours, but there was no way out by this point. True, it was incredible, but it was tremendously overpowering. For the next little while, I would get lulled back in to going to sleep, and each time I felt like I was fighting for my life, and each time I was sure I would die for good. Each time I would suddenly become aware of my thoughts and explode up again and yell "HOLY SHIT!!". Since I didn't die, I have to assume that the whole feeling like I wasn't breathing thing is probably an altered perception that seems to happen to people on dmt. Breathing feels different, feels like the urgency to breathe is repressed, and one fears they might stop breathing.
When I would wake up, I would frantically be moving all around, rolling all over the ground, trying to get my bearings. I felt threatened in every position. At the most intense point, it felt like there was a white vortex of energy in front of my face that took up all of space and I was trying to avoid it. The vortex was like an alien that was trying to get in to my body. Eventually, it got in and I realized and I AM the alien, and I have always been the alien. Life seemed like a very strange thing at this point. The alien was moving my body about and looking upon it. I could hardly believe I was human anymore. I talked aloud to myself, not wanting to forget that I am actually a person. I would just say, "yeah.... ok.... alright...", so as to not forget the sound of my voice, and my own thoughts. I was trying to identity with my former self. The sound of my own voice reminded me that I am a person.... .yet my own voice seemed so alien, like it's not really me. It's a costume that I put on and it's a show I've been putting on since I took human form. My life was flashing before my eyes. I was getting all these images from childhood, like it was important that I look at these memories. I was given the message that my life is important, it is as important as any piece of the puzzle in this universe. The message was, "this is your life, and your life is my life (some kind of higher intelligence). So you had better take a look at your life and deal with it because these are the only memories you will ever have. When you are gone, your memories will no longer be yours."
Then I'd snap out of it again, "HOLY SHIT!". Very disoriented, sometimes I didn't know which way I was facing, if I was face down in the dirt, or if my eyes were open or closed. I figured I better lie face up so as to not impede my breathing. It didn't matter though, cause I'd go through another fit and end up in whatever position. I'd snap out of something and realize I'm in some other position. But, my body had enough natural wisdom to know not to impede its own breathing. Many times I thought I had stopped breathing, it seemed impossible. After a while, the crazy alien psychedelic visions subsided, and I found myself in a state of..... I don't know. In a state of bliss and terror.... and receiving messages of something. The weird flashy lights subsided after a half hour or so, and the rest of the trip was about communication. I no longer felt the extreme gravity, or extreme disorientation, and at some points I was well enough to sit up.
All of a sudden, for what reason I don't know.... I just...... woke up. I said, "Oh my God!" I'm awake. It was me the entire time.... it was literally me the whole time. Everything, the whole universe... literally a story that I made up. I made up the story that I am this person, I made up the story that there are cities, and I live on earth. I made up this thing called life and death. It was me the whole time. Every thought I've ever had and everything that's ever happened, it was all me, and its all been leading up to this very moment RIGHT NOW!! and NOW! AND NOW!! And it all must end... now. This is your death, I thought. It was all you, the entire time, and it all ends now. You didn't really take a drug, that was just a symbol, that was part of the story too, and there is no escape now. Poor fool.... only now at the end do you understand. Only now you feel the weight of the whole universe on your shoulders, as you realize that your soul is the entirety of all existence. The illusion is over. There is no going back. And now, you will die."
It was all made up.... what a PERFECT ending, I thought. What a magnificent perfect ending. Who would have ever thought it would end like this? I knew right then that there was literally no such thing as death, I didn't know whether I was "alive" or dead. I felt that there is only one thing, and it is an inner consciousness. There is no outer universe. Life is the inner consciousness experiencing itself in a state of separation, and that inner consciousness is eternal and cannot be threatened. In fact, there is nothing to threaten this inner consciousness because it is all that is. It is the only thing there is, was, and ever will be, and yet it is not a thing. I have no idea what "it" is. This is what I experienced at the time. It was both fantastic and terrifying. It was unimaginably freeing, yet also unimaginably imprisoning. Part of me realized that this inner consciousness is boundless, infinite, there is no limit to anything this world. But another part felt so trapped, like the entire universe closed in on itself. That part of me said, "there is no escape from this truth. Anything that has ever happened and ever will happen comes back to this one truth, for which there is no hope of escape. Nothing will ever be any different from this one truth. Nothing is beyond "this". There is only one thing, and there will never be anything else, no matter what. You are an illusion. The best hope you ever have is that you might be born and forget this terrible truth of your utter lonliness. But with each birth, you will return to this truth every single time and be faced with this which there is no escape. You have been here many times before.... welcome back."
I felt like stopped breathing, and yet I kept coming back to life. This realization that "it was always me" was both the most joyous, unimaginably ecstatic experience, and at the same time the most terrifying thing imaginable. On the one hand, there was the living part of me that didn't want my life to end. On the other side, was the certainty and inevitability of the end coming right at me. I could feel darkness surrounding me, the end making its way closer. It felt that at the point where the end came, all the love in the universe was going to meet and explode itself in to oblivion. The terror of losing life was going to meet with divine love and both would be obliterated. I don't know how to describe it.
Upon reflection, perhaps the reason it is terrifying is because what the realization means for the person experiencing this. It means I am completely alone forever, there is no escape from eternity, and the realization places all responsibility on me. Literally, it felt as though the fate of the entire universe rested on my shoulders in a single moment, and the suffering of all sentient beings. It can feel like a burden. And in that moment, I felt as though I had to express the love of the entire universe all at once. It was overwhelming.
This must sound jumbled, like there are contradictions, or it doesn't all add up. It's impossible for me to describe the exact realizations, or which came first, and then which came next. Yet somehow, through the confusion, though I knew with every fibre of my being that nothing exists, there is no death or life.... through all that, I also knew with every fibre of my being that I DO exist right here, right now. I was given the extraordinary gift of this life, and it was so beautiful..... but I was going to die. I broke down and curled up and wailed and cried for my mother. I wished I told her how much I love her, how much I appreciate her. My whole family, and everyone I cared about. I was so sorry because after having my breath literally taken away from me, and experiencing my death, I realized all I've ever had in life is this life force, which was just taken, and the ones I love sustain that life force. I didn't want to be experiencing this. Forget dmt, forget eveything, please God just let me go back to my life, give me back my breath so I can go back to my life, I can't take this, I don't want it, I'll give anything. And yet, I knew there was no way out, there was no going back, this was it, this was the end.
However... at some point I remembered that there truly is no death, this existence is all occurring within a timeless blackness.... and it will release me. It will release me at exactly the point when it should. I knew with absolutely no doubt that I would rise again. That I would get through this, that I would eventually be able to stand up under my own power, and I would get myself home. It was night time, and I knew that once the sun started coming up, I would know that the trip would be ending. I kept telling myself, "the sun will rise again!" Never before had I felt such an intense love of life, and terror at the same time. Oddly, I knew that I was dead, and yet I also knew that I would live through this. I wanted nothing more than to just get up and walk away from all this and just go home. I asked the universe for it, and it was granted. I was given the message that I can literally have anything I want. If you want it, you'll have, and more. The universe is absolutely overflowing with love. I knew that when the day came, I would go home and turn on my computer and write about this experience, knowing full well that I'm not really doing any of it, that's it's all a story, but it's my story. This life is MY story, and this story is all I have, and each moment is all I ever have, so I better start paying attention to life, and not cower away in fear, or embarrassment because there is nothing else and I will never have anything else. I don't know why I do what I do, I can only say that for whatever reason, I am compelled to do it.
I spent most of the time in between this state in which I knew that everything was absolutely ok, and other times I thought this was absolutely the end and I could never go back. I literally died last night, and felt myself being reborn. I knew that once this body ends, there will be timelessness..... and eventually a re-spawning. I knew that I could not possibly live life in this conflicted, timeless state. It was impossible. I knew that the only way I could go back was that if I forget what I had experienced, if I forget timelessness and allow my regular life to come back, forgetting this unimaginable bliss and terror. And that, once again, caused a wave of pure joy at realizing this. Somehow, the fact that I KNEW I had to forget everything about heaven, God and joy...... it was somehow.... the absolute perfect ending to everything.
Physically, I spent most of the time on my knees calling for my mother, telling her that I love her, that I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done. God, I am so sorry.... I love everything so much. I felt an intense love for every living creature, every creature deserves compassion and respect because everything that lives has the common experience of dying. Everything that lives and breathes can potentially feel this fear that I was going through right then of having life snuffed out, and no one deserves to have that fear purposely exploited, and all deserve compassion for having the universal cross of death placed upon their soul. Once this trip was all over, I was going to dedicate everything to staying true to this love. I had an internal sense that I have always known what is "right", and from now on in life I am always going to do "the right thing". And there is only one right thing... and that is absolutle total surrender and non-resistance. Surrender to what? To what is, I suppose. To whatever force it is that animates this body, this universe.
I realized that terror and love are the same thing. I knew it was only because of this terror I had of dying that I felt such a love for everything, a grasping for each breath, my life was about to end, and I had such an intense love of each breath, and a longing for the sun to rise again. I felt that no matter what happened tomorrow, it was going to be the best day, the perfect day. The only way to get beyond terror and grasping is total non resistance. I pledged everything I had to "God". I said, that's it, I surrender, I'm done. I give up everything. Suddenly, religions around the world describing similar things did not seem so unusual. I couldn't believe I was actually the one in that position. I have previously scoffed at those who beg God or plead for a savior. Now I was the one doing it and I was absolutely serious about it at the time. Resistance to anything will only cause suffering. And until I realize that pain and loss are every bit as real and important to this life as joy, then the conflict will continue forever and ever. The only way is total nonresistance to everything. I have no idea who or what I am or what will happen in the future, but I know that whatever happens, it will be good..... it will be MINE, it will be given to me for me, and by me. This is the life that I have chosen, and it will played out, and when it ends, it will a perfect ending again and again and again.... only to be reborn again.
At times the extreme fear would pass, my body would stop shaking, and I'd just lie there in absolute peace and joy, even moaning because it was so blissful I could hardly stand it. I began to forget everything. I forgot my mother, forgot myself, just went in to this blackness where I reverted to a state of total helplessness and peace, like it was pre-birth. But then I would get snapped back to fear again.
At some points I would be ok enough to lift my head up and look around, and the earth and the city never looked so beautiful. It was impossibly beautiful. I looked at the buildings and it looked like there were hundreds of them, but in reality only a few. "That's impossible, I thought". I didn't much care that it was impossible because I had already experienced many impossible things that night. When I saw the impossible number of buildings, I figured I'm not well right now, I better just close my eyes and wait for this to pass.
But it didn't help much because after a while I couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed, if I was dreaming or awake. That was one of the creepiest things experienced that night. I mean, not knowing if my eyes were closed or open because it seemed like when I closed my eyes, the world was something still there. I couldn't shut it off. It's hard to explain. It was like I would close my eyes, and I would just imagine the world and all of a sudden, the world appeared, seemingly without me opening my eyes. I would even tell myself sometimes, "ok, this time I am going to keep my eyes closed and not open them". Then, without even noticing, I would realize that at some point my eyes were open. It didn't matter. I realized that the world is imagination. It's all a dream, so it didn't matter if eyes were open or closed. I was afraid of death, and here I was dying over and over, only to be reborn. I had made the whole thing up, and I could literally do anything I wanted. I realized that since I could do anything I wanted, I knew it was inevitable that I would eventually have to rise under my own power and walk myself out of there. But I seemed so weak, I could barely move. I promised myself, I promised God and I promised my mother that as soon as I get through this, I will make it up to them. I picked up the cup that I drank dmt from, I laughed, and threw it over the ravine. I was saying to myself, "I won't be needing this anymore". Because I realized everything is a dream, there would be no point in taking dmt again.
I tried to rise, I used all my power to get to my feet, and threw my backpack and my gloves and my water bottle aside and I attempted to walk through the forest. It was a surreal experience. It was like absolutely nothing was controlling my body, and there I was floating through the forest on a will not my own. But something was wrong, time didn't seem to be passing. And it was terrifying walking through the trees, as if I dreamed them up. I felt like it could all collapse at any moment. I could see myself moving, and hear my footsteps... but the forest seemed to keep repeating itself. I would take steps forward, but nothing seemed to be passing by. I thought, 'oh no, I'm stuck within time, I'm not really moving. I'm going to be stuck here in the dark forest forever, and it's never going to go away because time isn't passing'. I collapsed again in the forest. I knew that this would never end until I gave up everything. Until I gave up all hope of ever getting better. Until I experienced one moment of true timeless nothingness, this would not pass. I felt as though this forest and my mind would just keep looping forever and ever until I dropped the entire conflict of being alive and dead at the same time, as just for a moment, gave everything up, and became timeless for a moment. And so that is what I did, I gave up everything for a moment. I had to face the absolute impossibility of walking through a non existent universe. Up until this point, I had been telling myself that it is impossible to go through life knowing what I know, that I'm not really here. I asked how it can be done. The answer I got was, "just try it, see what happens". So that's what I did.
I opened my eyes and rose again, looked right and the exact path that I needed to find was right there. I just kept following the street lights until I was out of the forest. I DID IT!!!! I can't believe I did it, I thought. I glided down the pathway until I came to my bike.... which I didn't feel well enough to ride yet. I decided to ditch the bike, and walk home. But after a few minutes of getting used to the feeling of gliding through the night, I gained confidence walking through this non existent universe, and I decided that I would ride my bike. I couldn't believe how much control I had. It was impossible, and yet it was happening. And I realized that all of life is like this, and it always was.... it's impossible, and yet here it is.
I made it home after a surreal ride home. My body still felt majorly high all night long, but I was no longer having psychedelic alien visions, I now had control over my body. I slept very very little.
I awoke with a splitting headache to the most gorgeous day of my life. It had suddenly become very warm today, it's the first really really warm day of spring and all the flowers are blooming to their peak. I knew the sun would rise again.
The first thing I did was go back to the forest, and get my stuff back that I left there. Then I took a walk through the forest again and literally felt as though I was in heaven. It's all so perfect..... I wanted it.... and it was granted. THANK YOU!! Thank you thank you thank you so much! The following day was the most perfect, ecstatic day of my lfie. I walked through the forest as if I was literally in heaven. I kept walking around with my hands over my face, and welling up with tears, saying, "it's so perfect... it's all so perfect. I'm in heaven." Now its off to make peace with my family.
For safety reasons, and also because I don't want to give the impression that anyone who takes dmt will have a wonderful experience, please read the follow up threads. Everyone is different. I came out better after taking dmt, but everyone is different. It might just scare the shit out of you.
DMT Use Has Quickly Put an End to My Neverending Unbearable Nightmares - DMT Experiences - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus In particular, my long rant about freedom to choose in this thread is important to read.
I went out in to the woods at about 9:30pm, and walked for about 10 mins till I came to a ravine which had a view of a river and some city lights in the distance. This was the perfect spot, I thought, so I laid down a little mat and drank the vinegar (syrian rue already previously taken). I almost didn't even do the trip. When I saw the forest, it was pitch black. I looked at it and thought, "what am I doing? I can't do this, I'm afraid of that darkness even when I'm not on heavy psychedelics." But then I just kind of forced myself to go in to the forest and go through with my plan.
I took the drink with a good deal of discomfort. Within less than 10 minutes I already started to feel dizzy and like I needed to lie down. But that tired feeling quickly built to the gravity of God. I felt so heavy it felt like the mere weight my pupils was enough to sink me right in to the ground. This was far more intense than I wanted, and the trip hadn't even begun yet. For a few minutes, I struggled as hard as I could just to keep my head up. I fought and fought and fought, and each moment I could feel myself losing the fight. It seemed inevitable that I would eventually end up flat on the ground unable to rise. "Oh my God", I thought, "I might actually die here". I knew that as long as I could keep my head off the ground and keep breathing, I would live.
But the gravity became so intense that I felt I could no longer keep my head up. I was fighting for my life to keep my head up and keep breathing. I eventually lost the fight against gravity and my head went flat on the ground, and felt like it was sinking in to the earth. Pinned on the floor, my only job was to keep breathing. But this was a fight I also felt I was losing. Soon I felt I didn't even have the strength to breathe. "I can't...... I can't hold on...... I can't......... ugghhhhhhhhhhhh" and with that, I felt I was letting out my final breath. At the moment I let out my final breath, I got my first psychedelic vision. A multicolored skull appeared. At first it was my face, and the moment I let out that final breath, the skin came off and it turned in to a skull. To me, this confirmed without a doubt that I did in fact die at the moment I let out the breath, and this vision was a transition in to death. I was afraid, but not terrified. There was actually quite a sense of peace. It felt natural, like I was just transitioning to a natural state of existence. I had a thought that was something like, "I finally did it, I died. I guess it's game over". I cannot express the certainty I had that I was in fact, dead.
After the skull appeared, it was followed by..... something which I cannot possibly describe or comprehend. I was in a world of shapes and energy flying by so fast, showing me all this otherworldy information I can't express. There was a message I felt that was something like, "you have finally come back to me. You've always known you would return". It seemed as though there was something other than myself communicating with me.... yet this "other than self" thing was more ME than I can describe. It was so familar, and yet so alien compared to anything I have experienced up to that point. I was entranced by these visions for what seemed like a long time. Then I noticed something.... I noticed my own astonishment at what I was witnessing. "Wait a minute", I thought, "if I am aware that I am seeing this.... I think I might still be alive."
"HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!" I exploded up, gasping for air. I was amazed that I was still alive, and felt like I just barely made it through. I kept frantically breathing, not wanting to get sucked back down to that lifeless state. Oh my God. I was about 15 minutes in to the trip and it was already many times more intense than I ever would have wanted, or even imagined. I wasn't expecting this. What in the hell is this!? I knew I was going to experience something incredible, but this? THIS!? What is this? It was like my head was exploding with some kind of inner light, and a natural inner intelligence exploding in to this world. Gyroscopes and lasers and geometries were shooting out all over the place, as well as a vision of some indescribable deity. What in the hell was this geometry and deity I was seeing? In my life, I have done much pondering on God, and the universe. Some say God is all loving, all knowing, and omniscient. I have also had tastes of the Zen "no-thing" version of "God" being a non existence of sorts. But nothing, absolutely nothing I have ever experienced, thought of, dreamed of, hoped for, feared, loved, hated, or anything in between could possibly touch or convey whatever it was that I was experiencing. It was nothing like I ever expected, or would have possibly imagined. THIS?! What is this? This is just..... impossible. Somehow, it was beyond all knowing, beyond all loving, it was just..... damn.
I couldn't believe this might go on for several hours, but there was no way out by this point. True, it was incredible, but it was tremendously overpowering. For the next little while, I would get lulled back in to going to sleep, and each time I felt like I was fighting for my life, and each time I was sure I would die for good. Each time I would suddenly become aware of my thoughts and explode up again and yell "HOLY SHIT!!". Since I didn't die, I have to assume that the whole feeling like I wasn't breathing thing is probably an altered perception that seems to happen to people on dmt. Breathing feels different, feels like the urgency to breathe is repressed, and one fears they might stop breathing.
When I would wake up, I would frantically be moving all around, rolling all over the ground, trying to get my bearings. I felt threatened in every position. At the most intense point, it felt like there was a white vortex of energy in front of my face that took up all of space and I was trying to avoid it. The vortex was like an alien that was trying to get in to my body. Eventually, it got in and I realized and I AM the alien, and I have always been the alien. Life seemed like a very strange thing at this point. The alien was moving my body about and looking upon it. I could hardly believe I was human anymore. I talked aloud to myself, not wanting to forget that I am actually a person. I would just say, "yeah.... ok.... alright...", so as to not forget the sound of my voice, and my own thoughts. I was trying to identity with my former self. The sound of my own voice reminded me that I am a person.... .yet my own voice seemed so alien, like it's not really me. It's a costume that I put on and it's a show I've been putting on since I took human form. My life was flashing before my eyes. I was getting all these images from childhood, like it was important that I look at these memories. I was given the message that my life is important, it is as important as any piece of the puzzle in this universe. The message was, "this is your life, and your life is my life (some kind of higher intelligence). So you had better take a look at your life and deal with it because these are the only memories you will ever have. When you are gone, your memories will no longer be yours."
Then I'd snap out of it again, "HOLY SHIT!". Very disoriented, sometimes I didn't know which way I was facing, if I was face down in the dirt, or if my eyes were open or closed. I figured I better lie face up so as to not impede my breathing. It didn't matter though, cause I'd go through another fit and end up in whatever position. I'd snap out of something and realize I'm in some other position. But, my body had enough natural wisdom to know not to impede its own breathing. Many times I thought I had stopped breathing, it seemed impossible. After a while, the crazy alien psychedelic visions subsided, and I found myself in a state of..... I don't know. In a state of bliss and terror.... and receiving messages of something. The weird flashy lights subsided after a half hour or so, and the rest of the trip was about communication. I no longer felt the extreme gravity, or extreme disorientation, and at some points I was well enough to sit up.
All of a sudden, for what reason I don't know.... I just...... woke up. I said, "Oh my God!" I'm awake. It was me the entire time.... it was literally me the whole time. Everything, the whole universe... literally a story that I made up. I made up the story that I am this person, I made up the story that there are cities, and I live on earth. I made up this thing called life and death. It was me the whole time. Every thought I've ever had and everything that's ever happened, it was all me, and its all been leading up to this very moment RIGHT NOW!! and NOW! AND NOW!! And it all must end... now. This is your death, I thought. It was all you, the entire time, and it all ends now. You didn't really take a drug, that was just a symbol, that was part of the story too, and there is no escape now. Poor fool.... only now at the end do you understand. Only now you feel the weight of the whole universe on your shoulders, as you realize that your soul is the entirety of all existence. The illusion is over. There is no going back. And now, you will die."
It was all made up.... what a PERFECT ending, I thought. What a magnificent perfect ending. Who would have ever thought it would end like this? I knew right then that there was literally no such thing as death, I didn't know whether I was "alive" or dead. I felt that there is only one thing, and it is an inner consciousness. There is no outer universe. Life is the inner consciousness experiencing itself in a state of separation, and that inner consciousness is eternal and cannot be threatened. In fact, there is nothing to threaten this inner consciousness because it is all that is. It is the only thing there is, was, and ever will be, and yet it is not a thing. I have no idea what "it" is. This is what I experienced at the time. It was both fantastic and terrifying. It was unimaginably freeing, yet also unimaginably imprisoning. Part of me realized that this inner consciousness is boundless, infinite, there is no limit to anything this world. But another part felt so trapped, like the entire universe closed in on itself. That part of me said, "there is no escape from this truth. Anything that has ever happened and ever will happen comes back to this one truth, for which there is no hope of escape. Nothing will ever be any different from this one truth. Nothing is beyond "this". There is only one thing, and there will never be anything else, no matter what. You are an illusion. The best hope you ever have is that you might be born and forget this terrible truth of your utter lonliness. But with each birth, you will return to this truth every single time and be faced with this which there is no escape. You have been here many times before.... welcome back."
I felt like stopped breathing, and yet I kept coming back to life. This realization that "it was always me" was both the most joyous, unimaginably ecstatic experience, and at the same time the most terrifying thing imaginable. On the one hand, there was the living part of me that didn't want my life to end. On the other side, was the certainty and inevitability of the end coming right at me. I could feel darkness surrounding me, the end making its way closer. It felt that at the point where the end came, all the love in the universe was going to meet and explode itself in to oblivion. The terror of losing life was going to meet with divine love and both would be obliterated. I don't know how to describe it.
Upon reflection, perhaps the reason it is terrifying is because what the realization means for the person experiencing this. It means I am completely alone forever, there is no escape from eternity, and the realization places all responsibility on me. Literally, it felt as though the fate of the entire universe rested on my shoulders in a single moment, and the suffering of all sentient beings. It can feel like a burden. And in that moment, I felt as though I had to express the love of the entire universe all at once. It was overwhelming.
This must sound jumbled, like there are contradictions, or it doesn't all add up. It's impossible for me to describe the exact realizations, or which came first, and then which came next. Yet somehow, through the confusion, though I knew with every fibre of my being that nothing exists, there is no death or life.... through all that, I also knew with every fibre of my being that I DO exist right here, right now. I was given the extraordinary gift of this life, and it was so beautiful..... but I was going to die. I broke down and curled up and wailed and cried for my mother. I wished I told her how much I love her, how much I appreciate her. My whole family, and everyone I cared about. I was so sorry because after having my breath literally taken away from me, and experiencing my death, I realized all I've ever had in life is this life force, which was just taken, and the ones I love sustain that life force. I didn't want to be experiencing this. Forget dmt, forget eveything, please God just let me go back to my life, give me back my breath so I can go back to my life, I can't take this, I don't want it, I'll give anything. And yet, I knew there was no way out, there was no going back, this was it, this was the end.
However... at some point I remembered that there truly is no death, this existence is all occurring within a timeless blackness.... and it will release me. It will release me at exactly the point when it should. I knew with absolutely no doubt that I would rise again. That I would get through this, that I would eventually be able to stand up under my own power, and I would get myself home. It was night time, and I knew that once the sun started coming up, I would know that the trip would be ending. I kept telling myself, "the sun will rise again!" Never before had I felt such an intense love of life, and terror at the same time. Oddly, I knew that I was dead, and yet I also knew that I would live through this. I wanted nothing more than to just get up and walk away from all this and just go home. I asked the universe for it, and it was granted. I was given the message that I can literally have anything I want. If you want it, you'll have, and more. The universe is absolutely overflowing with love. I knew that when the day came, I would go home and turn on my computer and write about this experience, knowing full well that I'm not really doing any of it, that's it's all a story, but it's my story. This life is MY story, and this story is all I have, and each moment is all I ever have, so I better start paying attention to life, and not cower away in fear, or embarrassment because there is nothing else and I will never have anything else. I don't know why I do what I do, I can only say that for whatever reason, I am compelled to do it.
I spent most of the time in between this state in which I knew that everything was absolutely ok, and other times I thought this was absolutely the end and I could never go back. I literally died last night, and felt myself being reborn. I knew that once this body ends, there will be timelessness..... and eventually a re-spawning. I knew that I could not possibly live life in this conflicted, timeless state. It was impossible. I knew that the only way I could go back was that if I forget what I had experienced, if I forget timelessness and allow my regular life to come back, forgetting this unimaginable bliss and terror. And that, once again, caused a wave of pure joy at realizing this. Somehow, the fact that I KNEW I had to forget everything about heaven, God and joy...... it was somehow.... the absolute perfect ending to everything.
Physically, I spent most of the time on my knees calling for my mother, telling her that I love her, that I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done. God, I am so sorry.... I love everything so much. I felt an intense love for every living creature, every creature deserves compassion and respect because everything that lives has the common experience of dying. Everything that lives and breathes can potentially feel this fear that I was going through right then of having life snuffed out, and no one deserves to have that fear purposely exploited, and all deserve compassion for having the universal cross of death placed upon their soul. Once this trip was all over, I was going to dedicate everything to staying true to this love. I had an internal sense that I have always known what is "right", and from now on in life I am always going to do "the right thing". And there is only one right thing... and that is absolutle total surrender and non-resistance. Surrender to what? To what is, I suppose. To whatever force it is that animates this body, this universe.
I realized that terror and love are the same thing. I knew it was only because of this terror I had of dying that I felt such a love for everything, a grasping for each breath, my life was about to end, and I had such an intense love of each breath, and a longing for the sun to rise again. I felt that no matter what happened tomorrow, it was going to be the best day, the perfect day. The only way to get beyond terror and grasping is total non resistance. I pledged everything I had to "God". I said, that's it, I surrender, I'm done. I give up everything. Suddenly, religions around the world describing similar things did not seem so unusual. I couldn't believe I was actually the one in that position. I have previously scoffed at those who beg God or plead for a savior. Now I was the one doing it and I was absolutely serious about it at the time. Resistance to anything will only cause suffering. And until I realize that pain and loss are every bit as real and important to this life as joy, then the conflict will continue forever and ever. The only way is total nonresistance to everything. I have no idea who or what I am or what will happen in the future, but I know that whatever happens, it will be good..... it will be MINE, it will be given to me for me, and by me. This is the life that I have chosen, and it will played out, and when it ends, it will a perfect ending again and again and again.... only to be reborn again.
At times the extreme fear would pass, my body would stop shaking, and I'd just lie there in absolute peace and joy, even moaning because it was so blissful I could hardly stand it. I began to forget everything. I forgot my mother, forgot myself, just went in to this blackness where I reverted to a state of total helplessness and peace, like it was pre-birth. But then I would get snapped back to fear again.
At some points I would be ok enough to lift my head up and look around, and the earth and the city never looked so beautiful. It was impossibly beautiful. I looked at the buildings and it looked like there were hundreds of them, but in reality only a few. "That's impossible, I thought". I didn't much care that it was impossible because I had already experienced many impossible things that night. When I saw the impossible number of buildings, I figured I'm not well right now, I better just close my eyes and wait for this to pass.
But it didn't help much because after a while I couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed, if I was dreaming or awake. That was one of the creepiest things experienced that night. I mean, not knowing if my eyes were closed or open because it seemed like when I closed my eyes, the world was something still there. I couldn't shut it off. It's hard to explain. It was like I would close my eyes, and I would just imagine the world and all of a sudden, the world appeared, seemingly without me opening my eyes. I would even tell myself sometimes, "ok, this time I am going to keep my eyes closed and not open them". Then, without even noticing, I would realize that at some point my eyes were open. It didn't matter. I realized that the world is imagination. It's all a dream, so it didn't matter if eyes were open or closed. I was afraid of death, and here I was dying over and over, only to be reborn. I had made the whole thing up, and I could literally do anything I wanted. I realized that since I could do anything I wanted, I knew it was inevitable that I would eventually have to rise under my own power and walk myself out of there. But I seemed so weak, I could barely move. I promised myself, I promised God and I promised my mother that as soon as I get through this, I will make it up to them. I picked up the cup that I drank dmt from, I laughed, and threw it over the ravine. I was saying to myself, "I won't be needing this anymore". Because I realized everything is a dream, there would be no point in taking dmt again.
I tried to rise, I used all my power to get to my feet, and threw my backpack and my gloves and my water bottle aside and I attempted to walk through the forest. It was a surreal experience. It was like absolutely nothing was controlling my body, and there I was floating through the forest on a will not my own. But something was wrong, time didn't seem to be passing. And it was terrifying walking through the trees, as if I dreamed them up. I felt like it could all collapse at any moment. I could see myself moving, and hear my footsteps... but the forest seemed to keep repeating itself. I would take steps forward, but nothing seemed to be passing by. I thought, 'oh no, I'm stuck within time, I'm not really moving. I'm going to be stuck here in the dark forest forever, and it's never going to go away because time isn't passing'. I collapsed again in the forest. I knew that this would never end until I gave up everything. Until I gave up all hope of ever getting better. Until I experienced one moment of true timeless nothingness, this would not pass. I felt as though this forest and my mind would just keep looping forever and ever until I dropped the entire conflict of being alive and dead at the same time, as just for a moment, gave everything up, and became timeless for a moment. And so that is what I did, I gave up everything for a moment. I had to face the absolute impossibility of walking through a non existent universe. Up until this point, I had been telling myself that it is impossible to go through life knowing what I know, that I'm not really here. I asked how it can be done. The answer I got was, "just try it, see what happens". So that's what I did.
I opened my eyes and rose again, looked right and the exact path that I needed to find was right there. I just kept following the street lights until I was out of the forest. I DID IT!!!! I can't believe I did it, I thought. I glided down the pathway until I came to my bike.... which I didn't feel well enough to ride yet. I decided to ditch the bike, and walk home. But after a few minutes of getting used to the feeling of gliding through the night, I gained confidence walking through this non existent universe, and I decided that I would ride my bike. I couldn't believe how much control I had. It was impossible, and yet it was happening. And I realized that all of life is like this, and it always was.... it's impossible, and yet here it is.
I made it home after a surreal ride home. My body still felt majorly high all night long, but I was no longer having psychedelic alien visions, I now had control over my body. I slept very very little.
I awoke with a splitting headache to the most gorgeous day of my life. It had suddenly become very warm today, it's the first really really warm day of spring and all the flowers are blooming to their peak. I knew the sun would rise again.
The first thing I did was go back to the forest, and get my stuff back that I left there. Then I took a walk through the forest again and literally felt as though I was in heaven. It's all so perfect..... I wanted it.... and it was granted. THANK YOU!! Thank you thank you thank you so much! The following day was the most perfect, ecstatic day of my lfie. I walked through the forest as if I was literally in heaven. I kept walking around with my hands over my face, and welling up with tears, saying, "it's so perfect... it's all so perfect. I'm in heaven." Now its off to make peace with my family.
For safety reasons, and also because I don't want to give the impression that anyone who takes dmt will have a wonderful experience, please read the follow up threads. Everyone is different. I came out better after taking dmt, but everyone is different. It might just scare the shit out of you.
DMT Use Has Quickly Put an End to My Neverending Unbearable Nightmares - DMT Experiences - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus In particular, my long rant about freedom to choose in this thread is important to read.
