avedadaise
Super Sleuth
Shared the tale of my first DMT experience upon joining the Nexus. Wanted to also quite humbly impart a brief self explanation..
Toxic Parenting and the Lovely Lone Wolf
I was raised in a supportive and nurturing environment. Not many can acclaim such- ironically it has taken a toll on persona and taxed my being, By succumbing to deep set conditioning and flourishing in the splendor of proud parents as an impressionable child, I’ve become quite unsure of my outward image and am harshly critical of myself in now adult years: A product of an outgoing independent child gone rouge into the plummets of introversion and heightened sensitivity, in a constant state of introspection. I am the creation of parents who loved through controlling, deducting by instilling, chipping away at the marble of a child to perfect a masterpiece- truly an extension of their second chance.
This however profoundly conflicted with my own developing values.
Early on I fled this system and rebelled, even fought to become legally emancipated. This paved the way for my introduction to psychoactives which I embraced as new mentors- that which would sustain and finely tune who I would become. I remained withdrawn from society and after surviving the educational system, preceded to run across the country- a new state for each new year it seemed.
Psychedelics for the longest time served as my escapism into a reality where I felt at home, as a being I knew well.
It’s now becoming evident.. my disordered existence. Through my globe trotting and constant setting up camp, barely mingling with the natives just to pack up and leave, I’ve always believed I’d gather no moss.
Using entheogens I now recognize the journey is no longer in travel and self exploration, but interpersonal interaction and relation to the world I’ve sought so hard to transcend. Integration, indeed.
A true lone wolf syndrome- perfectly content flying solo but upon running through a vicinity of others, does not know how to act.. and as a result is outcasted- a forever stranger.
I’ve been at it for so long I can barely fulfill an interactive situation. Even my career is struggling by my lack of social adjustment within the workplace. Upon review I’m referred to as ’distant’ and ’aloof’.
I meditate and when alone am at the utmost peace, but venturing outside sends me into an anxious frenzy.
I struggle even in this virtual community to plant roots and become a face amongst the belonging.. But it is my desire as it is the inevitable next step in my personal growth. Sometimes I feel like that stray dog that wants and needs so dearly to be caught and taken in, but darts away just before being grasped.
Just wanted you all to know how much I care, and will be trying.
I appreciate you for your kindness and acceptance, and I mean that with all the immensity of purest intent.
All Of My Love,
De Sai
Toxic Parenting and the Lovely Lone Wolf
I was raised in a supportive and nurturing environment. Not many can acclaim such- ironically it has taken a toll on persona and taxed my being, By succumbing to deep set conditioning and flourishing in the splendor of proud parents as an impressionable child, I’ve become quite unsure of my outward image and am harshly critical of myself in now adult years: A product of an outgoing independent child gone rouge into the plummets of introversion and heightened sensitivity, in a constant state of introspection. I am the creation of parents who loved through controlling, deducting by instilling, chipping away at the marble of a child to perfect a masterpiece- truly an extension of their second chance.
This however profoundly conflicted with my own developing values.
Early on I fled this system and rebelled, even fought to become legally emancipated. This paved the way for my introduction to psychoactives which I embraced as new mentors- that which would sustain and finely tune who I would become. I remained withdrawn from society and after surviving the educational system, preceded to run across the country- a new state for each new year it seemed.
Psychedelics for the longest time served as my escapism into a reality where I felt at home, as a being I knew well.
It’s now becoming evident.. my disordered existence. Through my globe trotting and constant setting up camp, barely mingling with the natives just to pack up and leave, I’ve always believed I’d gather no moss.
Using entheogens I now recognize the journey is no longer in travel and self exploration, but interpersonal interaction and relation to the world I’ve sought so hard to transcend. Integration, indeed.
A true lone wolf syndrome- perfectly content flying solo but upon running through a vicinity of others, does not know how to act.. and as a result is outcasted- a forever stranger.
I’ve been at it for so long I can barely fulfill an interactive situation. Even my career is struggling by my lack of social adjustment within the workplace. Upon review I’m referred to as ’distant’ and ’aloof’.
I meditate and when alone am at the utmost peace, but venturing outside sends me into an anxious frenzy.
I struggle even in this virtual community to plant roots and become a face amongst the belonging.. But it is my desire as it is the inevitable next step in my personal growth. Sometimes I feel like that stray dog that wants and needs so dearly to be caught and taken in, but darts away just before being grasped.
Just wanted you all to know how much I care, and will be trying.
I appreciate you for your kindness and acceptance, and I mean that with all the immensity of purest intent.
All Of My Love,
De Sai
I find their conversation void of true meaning, their pursuits empty of real substance. But then I found the Nexus, a home for me as well. A place where stimulating and provoking conversations abound. You are lucky to be among an excellent, creative, supportive community who have had many similar experiences.
