im not a doctor.. but if your clean on meds.. you seem like someone that could use a good ego death.. the thing about it is. once you truly feel your life being tore out you to the core.. you fight like hell to live again..when you get it back to say your greatful is an understatment.. as far as your health goes every day your feet hit the floor. you are given another chance to change something in your life.. its not easy, but few things worth your very best are.aya i think would be great help.. dmt in large dose,s can slap the hell out of you..but leave you with a born from fire forged in steel kind of confidence..aya may be more gentle way to go.. but your health is truly the very first place you should start... its simple... how bad do you want it..everything you need is inside you  if you can believe this than you only need to put in the work.. i do not say these things to upset you. i do not know you. but you know as a human . that you are worth the effort to change what does not work.. each step will help melt the fear and depression.. get the music that inspires you heart.. maby rocky ..for your rebirth.. i say this only from care.. i truly wish you the very best finding your path. put make no mistake .. you need a path... much respect Oden