Difficulty overcoming fear of heavy or breakthrough experiences

[DoorSeeker]

I don't have a particular intention for why I am writing this. I just thought I'd share my thoughts and experiences. I have smoked DMT many times now, all via gvg. Still no breakthrough though. Most have been 10-15mg doses. Fear seems to be consuming me with the heavier doses. Every time I go to do it, my heart is racing. I am shaking like a leaf going for the second. I become overwhelmed and can't commit to the third. I enjoy DMT and the visuals are really neat but I am not doing it for recreation. I want to experience a breakthough, if for nothing else, to have a unique perspective changing and consciousness raising experience. I'd like to get some sort of personal growth out of it but I don't want to pigeon hole myself into expecting something too specific out of it. Frankly, beyond mindbogglingly beautiful visuals, I've only had a couple trips that were something more than that.

I've been working up to higher doses. I have been doing 20mg lately and clearing it, but 25mg is just scaring the shit out of me. On a recent trip, I honestly thought I was dying. It was't painful or anything though the body load during it was very uncomfortable. I don't want to actually say I felt like I died completely, that might be exaggerating it too much. I felt this rapid dissipation of who I was and my body. Fear came over me while this was happening. I told myself, "remember what the nexians say all the time, 'just except what comes no matter what it is. Don't fight it.'" I remained some what calm but I still went through a bitter battle with myself trying to calm down and not fight the feeling of death. The bright blue-green and purple visuals that consumed my entire visual space then suddenly disappeared and I ended up in a black nothingness feeling as if I had left earth into some other dimension. My guess is that this was most likely the "waiting room". I then came back down and was so relieved to still be alive. I teared up a bit and had the most overwhelm feeling of relief. Telling my friend about it, I was getting choked up and trying not to cry. I know that I'm not really going to die and, no matter what, I'll be fine but I can't seem to "practice what I preach", so to speak. I think deep down inside maybe I don't fully believe I will be fine.

I think part of it is the body load. It is extremely intense. Every time I get used to a certain dose I'm like, "Okay I'm ready to breakthough," only to find out that I just get an even heavy experience and body load. I just can't get used to it. That combined with the difficulty of manning the pipe on the 3rd hit and I'm just stuck at sub-breakthrough doses. I know that once I breakthough the fear and body load supposedly go away, but I guess "easier said than done" for me. In some way, shape or form, fear is consuming me. I had a similar problem on an lsd trip lately. I was consumed with fear, even though I knew on some level that I will be okay in the end (setting was partially to blame for this though). For brevity's sake I won't go into much detail about that. Maybe in another post. Just to note, I have had several amazingly positive and life changing experiences with entheogens with little or no anxiety, so I know I am capable of it. DMT seems to be the main issue. I also planned on attending a toad 5-MeO ceremony next month but I am starting to think maybe I shouldn't until I grapple with whatever is causing this fear. It's strange because even as I write this it feels silly in a way going on about this fear that is consuming me while simultaneously knowing that nothing horrible will happen. I just seem incapable of overcoming it for some reason and it is negatively affecting my ability to get the most out of DMT and to some extent entheogens in general.

 

[DmnStr8]

Fighting back tears is the same as fighting back fear. Have you ever tried to fight back tears and someone says something just right and it all comes out? Weeping and crying. A release of emotion. I think it happens to us all at some point on our lives. As children we don't exactly have our emotions in check and this occurs frequently. This release. As adults we learn to control our emotions.

When you enter into these psychedelic worlds like the DMT hyperspace it can instantly transform you back into that child like state of mind. The emotions are not as easily controlled. We are removed from all familiarity. Like a kid lost in the shopping mall screaming out for their parents.

So let it out. Let it release. If you feel like crying after an intense journey, then cry. Nothing wrong with it. It is a release of emotions and energy. Consider it a purge. Getting rid of something you no longer have need for. If you refuse to purge these emotions, you will continue to carry them with you. The more you can let these emotions release the less fear you will have.

Don't force it and be gentle with yourself. Take a break from psychedelics all together and see how you feel about that break. Taking a break can allow your mind to find a new appreciation for the experiences that you can have with these powerful substances.

Feel it all. Any emotion that comes up. Just allow it to run it's course. It's ok to feel. It's ok to feel fear. It's also ok to set it all down for a little while and get your bearings.

 

[Metashaman]

Well written, this is you and 80% of the people here. I've gone to a wax pipe so I could force the breakthrough easier and it still isn't easy.

I don't get nervous, but I still cant "get through" I always get REALLY tired. Even when it's the 7th or 8th hit, I either hit it too light or possibly not fast enough.

Aya helped me by telling me it was a random number generator and a game. I could play if I don't take any of it too seriously. So the fear is gone, now just waiting until I run out of excuses. I am waiting until after my next ceremony to smoak again as I am trying to stay clear of anything that could cloud my blissfulness at the moment.

We are attempting a SHE in June where more than one of us will be going over at the same time. That may help. Trying to make sure I have 2-3 under my belt before then. So it's gotta happen

 

[syberdelic]

I have grappled with a similar issue. What finally worked for me is letting go of all these higher issues. Whether it's spiritual or personal, just let go of all that. All these "intentions" just muddy things up and cause apprehension. Just dive in for fun but be open to whatever comes your way. If there is something to be had other than fun, it will happen whether you want it or not.

You can compare it to the absurdity of the Christian concept of petitioning the Lord. You are just not that important in the grand scheme of things. Placing this kind of importance on the experience is pretty vain and in my experience creates a large amount of anxiety and fear.

 

[Running Bear]

If you're having a difficult time with higher doses then dont take high doses. terence mckenna came up with these 5g, 3 hit rules as if its the only way to have a good experience but its not true. Do whats best for you.

 

[syberdelic]

If you're having a difficult time with higher doses then dont take high doses. terence mckenna came up with these 5g, 3 hit rules as if its the only way to have a good experience but its not true. Do whats best for you.

I totally agree. This is one of many reasons my respect for Terence is fairly limited. Just like Alex Jones, he makes really good points, but then comes some absolute BS. And in American fashion, more is better according to Terence.

 

[Hkz0r]

I've been here too. Lately I can't even get myself to load the gvg. I keep getting this feeling of "its not the right time. You don't really want to do this right now" and I put it down and forget about it for another week until I read someone else's trip report that inspires me to load it up again. Repeat.

Maybe I'm just making up excuses. Whatever the reason, I know it's all in my head.

 

[Sasquach2112]

I've been here too. Lately I can't even get myself to load the gvg. I keep getting this feeling of "its not the right time. You don't really want to do this right now" and I put it down and forget about it for another week until I read someone else's trip report that inspires me to load it up again. Repeat.

Maybe I'm just making up excuses. Whatever the reason, I know it's all in my head.

I do this exact same ritual all the time. Its not fear or anxiety its more like questioning am i ready for this experience..

 

[DmnStr8]

I've been here too. Lately I can't even get myself to load the gvg. I keep getting this feeling of "its not the right time. You don't really want to do this right now" and I put it down and forget about it for another week until I read someone else's trip report that inspires me to load it up again. Repeat.

Maybe I'm just making up excuses. Whatever the reason, I know it's all in my head.

I do this exact same ritual all the time. Its not fear or anxiety its more like questioning am i ready for this experience..

It is an experience all in itself just preparing for a DMT journey. I kind of like the excitement. When I know I am going it is unlike any other feeling I have ever had. Even skydiving lacks the that certain feeling just before you take a toke. I find a certain kind of meditation and self reflection occurs at a rapid rate in my mind just before. Just going through the motions and not actually taking a toke can create this feeling in me. I have learned to enjoy that feeling because it is unique. It really pushes all the emotions. It really tests all the intentions. It's like being bent and twisted. Better to be flexible and allow it to bend you and flex and twist you. If you resist and remain rigid you will snap.

 

[twattlehead]

I think of the fear as a monkey issue. If dmt only benefits the consciousness and not the monkey body in any way other than a slight body high, maybe the monkey body only remembers the sudden shocking absence of its consciousness with very little reward which might be off putting to say the least, and maybe painful. So maybe it makes sense the monkey body might resist and it might do this by creating fear. This is probably wrong btw .

 

[Jees]

...Just going through the motions and not actually taking a toke can create this feeling in me...

I've done this too to study myself, loading up gvg, lighter in hand, having all this excitement and feelings, pipe to mouth and lighter lit, and not taking the rip, and then saying "Well all these feelings are NOT part of the dmt experience as I've never took dmt." These feelings are feelings that I added to it, not dmt. This to study what I and what dmt brings forth. Different things all together.

 

[ShadowInterpreter]

I am in a similar boat. After trying unsuccessfully several times using a Life Saber vaporizer I happened to have, I made myself a DMT e-cigarette that is super easy to use. One hit on the e-cigarette got me close to break through; I started to hear some indistinct voices and got really cold and shaky. It felt like my eyes were doing saccades. It definitely was not pleasant the way the initial visuals always were. I haven't been able to talk myself into trying again since because it feels like a lot of stuff is going to come out if I take two hits. I feel like I need a knowledgeable friend or shaman to help me through it.

 

[5A8R3]

Pleasant, uncomfortable etc etc.
I was shitting myself at first. Fuck it, just do it.
Then when lower doses did very little I doubled the dose and tried again. 3rd time was the charm.
Many things in life are unpleasant.
When I broke through I was in a place of love but there was still a sinister aspect to it. "That is life" I realised. It is sinister in the end!
There was a distinct moment when I wanted to get back to my body and the state of normaility - the beauty of the dmt trip I experienced was I was still able to reason with myself even in the depths of trip. You can remind yourself it will not be forever.
Meditation techniques help to seperate your mind from the discomfort your body feels.
Fear is a part of life.

Go deep

 

[syberdelic]

I think of the fear as a monkey issue. If dmt only benefits the consciousness and not the monkey body in any way other than a slight body high, maybe the monkey body only remembers the sudden shocking absence of its consciousness with very little reward which might be off putting to say the least, and maybe painful. So maybe it makes sense the monkey body might resist and it might do this by creating fear. This is probably wrong btw .

I am actually thinking something very close to this could be true. My partner (RabidLabMouse) gets zero fear, anxiety, or negative elements from any psychedelic substance. There is some evidence that points to an abnormal nerve connection between her brain and enteric nervous system (GI tract) such as no nausea or vomiting on kambo no matter how large the dose and no body load from any psychedelic. My assumption is that this abnormality would be somewhere in the vagus nerve or it's connection to the brain. This is only a theory at the moment, but if it's true, it would also suggest that her absence of any fear, anxiety, or negative elements could be linked to this disconnect.

The other theory which I hold out hope for is essentially outlined in my previous posts in this thread. This guidance was given to me by her and I'm passing it on to the community as it has proven very helpful. With her guidance, my last two DMT experiences have been pretty blissful and I'm quickly loosing the apprehension and anxiety. It's a bit ironic because I have developed my spirituality around psychedelics and now that I'm throwing this spirituality to the wind, the experiences are much more pleasant. She is pretty new to psychedelics, but the student has become the teacher.