DMT came to me. Actually, a dose of 5meo DMT, which killed "me'.I experienced ego death as fully as it can be. I literally felt my heart stop beating, watched my last breath leave my body and my consciousness was sucked out of a hole in the top of my head. I found myself in the place where all things in potential are, will be, and have been. I had a moment to reflect on the tragedy of my death, my body being found with a syringe next to it and the mistaken idea that I'd relapsed on heroin and od'd. Then all anxiety left, those who were left behind were already where I was, which was eternity. In the 12 minutes when I was dead, it was the most real experience of my life. ,
I realized that yes, like you, I am god. In the Godhead there is no emotion, no way to feel. God wants to feel, and as much as possible, the depth of sorrow and the depth of love, all of it. Soon, all to soon in this eternal place, some voice entered my"head" and told me "REMEMBER!" and with that I recalled that I was alive and should start breathing again. I don't know if I actually did stop breathing at any point, but I did come to and gasped for air. In a reverse of the exit, I had been sucked back into my body.
Everything if ever thought of our known about god was shattered. God is within, not without. The creator, the great energy that constantly creates and destroys all, is dispassionate and no, it does not care a whit about little me. But there are things, aspects of the creator that do. Entities, if you will. That's why there are so many gods (besides the disparate cultures and values that see things from their relative viewpoint) they are all aspects of the creator.
After I was placed back into my body, a new one, with a new mind that is, I felt like I had been shown "the truth", but I honestly could not relate it to any of the concepts I'd been studying, I did not understand the Tree of Life any better, I did not grasp the Sephirot any more than I had. The life long blindfold I had worn had been torn from my eyes, but I had no idea what I was seeing. I turned back to the texts I had never understood in the past in an attempt to translate this experience into something that was comprehensible. I found a book on kundalini, specifically, spontaneous awakenings thereof, and it was the closest thing to what I was going through that I could find. However, I am a westerner and while I've never attended a church, never taken some god or his kid to be my personal Deity, never attached a spiritual label to myself other than " I dunno", from a cultural perspective, kabbalah and it's long line of tradition in the west was something that I held onto, and still do.
Anyway, when I came back into this three dimensional reality, every concept I had held to be true had been utterly destroyed. In a paradox, while I now knew without doubt, that there is a "God", it was NOT what I expected. God may as well been a multi colored, four dimensional squid/dog with a million heads, Like I said, dispassionate, distant, a force like an eternal nuclear explosion of cosmic proportions, a black hole. Metaphorically, God IS a black hole, constantly destroying and creating without emotion or any aspect that we as humans could personally relate to. And distant.
Oh s**t,I was in trouble. I found God, but it's scary and lonely there. I wandered around for awhile, going about my three dimensional life all while knowing it is, not a farce-it's a very real thing-but this life is just like a grain of sand on the ocean floor of our individual existence. We are here but for a little while and we are here to learn a little more before we return to Godhead to hopefully stay if we do learn, or come back to try again. In the grand scheme,"I' mean very little. It was liberating, but very cold. I felt alone, not just the human loneliness that has often been my only steady companion, alone in a cosmic sense. I was told, after I was put back into my body these words-"you are born pain upon the cold breast of your mother, while your father stands far off". Thanks, that's a little, uh, chilling. Earth doesn't care, and God cannot hear.
*****ladles and Belgians... the point!!!
*****
I tried to explain this feeling, this revelation to others but it was impossible. I was met by misunderstanding, by laughter and even derision. I was told I was crazy. I didn't feel a part of this world anymore. I just couldn't relate, and it scared the hell out of me. What does a twenty first century American do with enlightenment? In this material culture, where people place more value on manufactured objects and the paper they use to purchase them than in their fellows, their environment, and even themselves, "enlightenment"is of little or no value at all. Then I, as you, discovered this place. The Nexus, with the wonderful people that inhabit it, and it saved my sanity. I saw that there were quite a few folks here in the Land of the Jailed and Home of the Scared and abroad who have discovered the same thing as I, who actively seek to maintain and grow this relationship as they understand it with the ineffable. There are great folks here who have all integrated similar experiences into their lives to make them as good as they can.
Integration is a personal thing, as are your trips. You may for example, bring the knowledge you have gained into your personal relationships, to understand love to it's fullest comprehension. You may write, you may draw, play music or some other creative endeavor to bring your experience into this reality more fully. Ultimately, integration is up to you. Because in our material obsessed society there has been no framework to help us do this, it can be a very lonely thing. I, for example, am old. While I used to enjoy the company of fellow travelers when I ran around the country with the grateful dead following me, most if not all of those associations have long since fallen away, and I don't enjoy the social circles of like minded folks I used to. I don't get out to shows, or go to parties r. My circle of friends who share the psychedelic experience has been developed through the online communities I've become a member of, this one and one other in particular. I've even made actual real life friends through these places. The internet can be a wonderful ally in this endeavor.
Anyway, I hopeI haven't bored you too much if you made through this wall o text, and welcome into this world. It is full of strange and wonderful sights, sounds, and experiences, and is far more expansive than one could ever fully xplore.
Happy trails friend! Much love and light!love:
