xibalbaNOW
The Giddy Aunt
Last night I had the singlemost powerful DMT experience of my life. I experienced a total loss of normal functioning and awareness, i had no understanding of having administered a drug, and total dislocation of mind and body from reality. At this point, several hours later and in reflection I can only concede that DMT did in this instance completely destroy my mind, and that I possibly perceived my own death subjectively.
I should say at this point as a matter of course that I am now in full health and I do not report any negative side effects, physiological or otherwise.
This experience took place with a dear friend in his lounge at 5am. We'd spent the evening watching the Superbowl loaded on 90mg of Codeine. Hardly my preferred preparation for a DMT trip but nevertheless it was a quiet and trusting atmospehere and so I was comfortable with going ahead with it. We had soft cushions, gentle candle light and ambient music providing a soft and warm overtone (a band called How To Dress Well if you're interested - super lo-fi ambient electronica with a haunted R&B twist).
I cannot comment on dosage since it was a crudely but generously estimated amount of full spectrum DMT freebase loaded into a small water bong (preferred technique whilst I await delivery of my glass vapour genie). Also the pipe contained charred remnants of two small test attempts administered earlier.
One large pull on the bong produced a thick vapour and quickly inhaled. My copilot informs me I was not physically able to smoke another despite his attempts to aid this.
Normally at this stage I am accustomed to holding the inhaled dose as a familiar rushing sensation takes hold, then a rapid onset of visuals and a physical feeling of travelling at high speed as I relax prostrate to experience the journey. Also normally at this stage I am able to rationalise any feeling of anxiety with the ability to maintain a sense of self, a securing of mental faculties, and I can often find comforting the notion that I am a person, lying down, experiencing the effects of a drug that will wear off eventually. This is a reliably fixed point and I will return no matter how peculiar or disturbing the experience may reveal itself to be. This has been my handle on this drug for some time now.
But this time, this experience was different in almost every way. This time I do not recall much of my own behaviour immediately after inhaling this single pull. I do not recall holding my breath (as I like to do), whether I moved to lie down, or even whether my eyes were opened or closed. I do not recall anything of my physical surroundings, of the music, or my friend beside me. I have no memory of travelling and of the visuals I can only vaguely recall my field of view quickly narrowing tightly, as if the aperture of my eyes and mind were closing in quickly, giving way to darkness. I do not recall studying objects or patterns or any other material of interest. I was not in a place or a tube or a cave - such common features of previous experiences. There were no entities or organic structures to behold. There was nothing at all present to experience. And more crucially, I was not present to experience anything anyway. I was completely gone, removed, disintegrated, destroyed. Had there been anything to arouse wonder or curiosity I certainly had no awareness of Being in order to compute this information. I was no longer a person, a mind, a sentient psychology in the throes of a drug induced experience. I was nothing, and nothing was me. I had reached a singularity, and not in a unified, all seeing omniscient kind of way - this was just total, unadulterated emptiness.
And then (perhaps as the experienced levelled out, breakdown of DMT underway), the experience revealed a large moving object, a machine-like Rolodex shape turning quickly, it's flickering surface a kind noisy soup of tiny buzzing electrons changing shape and colour. And it was very loud as it spun like a tumbling, rotating barrel. It was impossible to ignore. In the rush of this noise and commotion I attempted to recall what was going on, a desperate attempt to recall this distant memory of who I was and what was happening to me. Perhaps this was the last shred of my sanity clinging to reality as I know it to be? The ego, the self, the body awareness, was long gone, and right then panic set in. I was increasingly sure of something else, another more comfortable reality beyond this noisy, spinning Rolodex that was distracting me from the job in hand - to remember myself, my reality, and to get back there! A quickening panic struck hard as I wrestled with this task for what seemed to be eternity, a vicious cycle of recall and distraction, of memory fragments coming together and then dissolving in an instant. Perhaps I would be lost in this terrifying limbo landscape forever, unable to recall that which i knew to be true and real.
At this point I was absolutely terrified, which was a strangely rewarding thing to give into since it also taught me that I had to Be in order to experience fear at all. In turn this Eureka moment triggered notions of life, specifically of being alive, and that there's a world we occupy. Suddenly I became aware of myself once more. My mind was immediately swamped by a glut of information, thoughts and emotions, like a backlog of astounding realisations all coming at once. I was unable to discern one from the other, just an endless stream of knowledge and thoughts and ideas flooding my mind. This sharp cosmic blast of microwave information shattered my mind into a million pieces, and in that single moment of mental collapse I experienced a dramatic shift as I went from this baffling and tortuous psychological scenario to being eyes wide open and sitting upright, my torso rigid and my arms wrapped around my head as if protecting my brain. With my eyes now open I could see the room, this makeshift camp of blankets and cushions, dimly illuminated by candles, with my copilot lying next to me (he had taken his own hit shortly after me). All of these real world visuals distorted by the very strong but manageable twist so common of first wave DMT comedowns (comparable to very strong psilocybin mushroom visuals, i've always thought). Physically the drug had me in a very powerful grip as irregular and rapid breathing patterns meant I was struggling to take in sufficent air. With my hands clutching my cranium - in what must've looked like a position of submissive self defence - I was also aware of great throbbing pain in my head, like my brain was swelling and pulsing under my skull. I have never experienced physical distress from DMT before and it was difficult to rationalise as I came around. I remember groaning loudly for perhaps a couple of minutes as I attempted to wrestle with the significance of what just happened. I fidgeted for perhaps a couple more minutes, sitting up on my knees, trying to catch my breath, opening then closing my eyes and all the time holding my head in place with two firm hands, as if any minute now it might fall off my shoulders and ruin everything anyway.
I cannot explain in words the sense of relief in knowing I was finally reunited with my mind and my body. A great relief too in being able to remind myself I had just undergone drug-induced experience. I was overwhelmed by a curious yet immense feeling of having been finally released by this experience, that this thing had me crushed to a single undefinable point of existence, and still had the benevolence in its final throes to let me go. I was very thankful to be me again, just a humble explorer sat on some blankets in a candlelit room with a very good friend. Only then was I able to take my hands from my head and crack a weak but important smile.
"You cannot go further into the Bardo and return. This takes you as for as you can go." Terence McKenna.
In the 30 minutes following the experience I was not able to compute or describe any of what had just happened. It was late and I was tired and I had to retire with very little reflection on the whole episode. To consider its magnitude at that point would've been a challenge beyond my ability to manage, dangerous even. I climbed into a cosy bed and was asleep before my head hit the pillow. So good to be alive. So good to be physical. I looked forward to eating again, to speaking words and language with my friend, and having some lovely cuddles with my beautiful girlfriend later. So, so good.
And so i've had the best part of a day to attempt integration of this very powerful experience. In these early stages of contemplation I have no real conclusions, but I do have some thoughts:
[1] As by far the most powerful DMT experience of my life so far, is it therefore reasonable to suggest this was a full and proper breakthrough? And if so, what can I make of previous experiences that I had considered to be breakthroughs? Wooly area perhaps, given the subjective nature of personal experiences.
[2] I feel foolish to have ever considered I had a handle on this drug and its nature. It has just shifted gears on me. This feels like level two or something.
[3] Whilst relieved to have survived the experience I am somewhat disappointed to have not retrieved any tangible information from the experience itself, not at this stage at least. In destroying Me the assimilation of DMT destroyed the observer, and so any attempt to reliably report on the experience is probably futile. I have to give some credence to the idea I may have overdosed here, and i'd like to hear your thoughts on DMT overdosing. I do not know enough about this area to comment further.
[4] Here's the biggie, and its enough to drive me to tears when I think about it: did I really die out there?!
Plenty for me to be chewing on for some time here, fellow Nexians. Certainly enough to keep me away from any further DMT trips until i've integrated this experience. Suffice to say this new chapter of DMT, death & me is one to cherish for a long, long time. I will never be the same again, and thats just fine with me.
Peace, love and empathy to you all. Comments please if you care to share.
x
I should say at this point as a matter of course that I am now in full health and I do not report any negative side effects, physiological or otherwise.
This experience took place with a dear friend in his lounge at 5am. We'd spent the evening watching the Superbowl loaded on 90mg of Codeine. Hardly my preferred preparation for a DMT trip but nevertheless it was a quiet and trusting atmospehere and so I was comfortable with going ahead with it. We had soft cushions, gentle candle light and ambient music providing a soft and warm overtone (a band called How To Dress Well if you're interested - super lo-fi ambient electronica with a haunted R&B twist).
I cannot comment on dosage since it was a crudely but generously estimated amount of full spectrum DMT freebase loaded into a small water bong (preferred technique whilst I await delivery of my glass vapour genie). Also the pipe contained charred remnants of two small test attempts administered earlier.
One large pull on the bong produced a thick vapour and quickly inhaled. My copilot informs me I was not physically able to smoke another despite his attempts to aid this.
Normally at this stage I am accustomed to holding the inhaled dose as a familiar rushing sensation takes hold, then a rapid onset of visuals and a physical feeling of travelling at high speed as I relax prostrate to experience the journey. Also normally at this stage I am able to rationalise any feeling of anxiety with the ability to maintain a sense of self, a securing of mental faculties, and I can often find comforting the notion that I am a person, lying down, experiencing the effects of a drug that will wear off eventually. This is a reliably fixed point and I will return no matter how peculiar or disturbing the experience may reveal itself to be. This has been my handle on this drug for some time now.
But this time, this experience was different in almost every way. This time I do not recall much of my own behaviour immediately after inhaling this single pull. I do not recall holding my breath (as I like to do), whether I moved to lie down, or even whether my eyes were opened or closed. I do not recall anything of my physical surroundings, of the music, or my friend beside me. I have no memory of travelling and of the visuals I can only vaguely recall my field of view quickly narrowing tightly, as if the aperture of my eyes and mind were closing in quickly, giving way to darkness. I do not recall studying objects or patterns or any other material of interest. I was not in a place or a tube or a cave - such common features of previous experiences. There were no entities or organic structures to behold. There was nothing at all present to experience. And more crucially, I was not present to experience anything anyway. I was completely gone, removed, disintegrated, destroyed. Had there been anything to arouse wonder or curiosity I certainly had no awareness of Being in order to compute this information. I was no longer a person, a mind, a sentient psychology in the throes of a drug induced experience. I was nothing, and nothing was me. I had reached a singularity, and not in a unified, all seeing omniscient kind of way - this was just total, unadulterated emptiness.
And then (perhaps as the experienced levelled out, breakdown of DMT underway), the experience revealed a large moving object, a machine-like Rolodex shape turning quickly, it's flickering surface a kind noisy soup of tiny buzzing electrons changing shape and colour. And it was very loud as it spun like a tumbling, rotating barrel. It was impossible to ignore. In the rush of this noise and commotion I attempted to recall what was going on, a desperate attempt to recall this distant memory of who I was and what was happening to me. Perhaps this was the last shred of my sanity clinging to reality as I know it to be? The ego, the self, the body awareness, was long gone, and right then panic set in. I was increasingly sure of something else, another more comfortable reality beyond this noisy, spinning Rolodex that was distracting me from the job in hand - to remember myself, my reality, and to get back there! A quickening panic struck hard as I wrestled with this task for what seemed to be eternity, a vicious cycle of recall and distraction, of memory fragments coming together and then dissolving in an instant. Perhaps I would be lost in this terrifying limbo landscape forever, unable to recall that which i knew to be true and real.
At this point I was absolutely terrified, which was a strangely rewarding thing to give into since it also taught me that I had to Be in order to experience fear at all. In turn this Eureka moment triggered notions of life, specifically of being alive, and that there's a world we occupy. Suddenly I became aware of myself once more. My mind was immediately swamped by a glut of information, thoughts and emotions, like a backlog of astounding realisations all coming at once. I was unable to discern one from the other, just an endless stream of knowledge and thoughts and ideas flooding my mind. This sharp cosmic blast of microwave information shattered my mind into a million pieces, and in that single moment of mental collapse I experienced a dramatic shift as I went from this baffling and tortuous psychological scenario to being eyes wide open and sitting upright, my torso rigid and my arms wrapped around my head as if protecting my brain. With my eyes now open I could see the room, this makeshift camp of blankets and cushions, dimly illuminated by candles, with my copilot lying next to me (he had taken his own hit shortly after me). All of these real world visuals distorted by the very strong but manageable twist so common of first wave DMT comedowns (comparable to very strong psilocybin mushroom visuals, i've always thought). Physically the drug had me in a very powerful grip as irregular and rapid breathing patterns meant I was struggling to take in sufficent air. With my hands clutching my cranium - in what must've looked like a position of submissive self defence - I was also aware of great throbbing pain in my head, like my brain was swelling and pulsing under my skull. I have never experienced physical distress from DMT before and it was difficult to rationalise as I came around. I remember groaning loudly for perhaps a couple of minutes as I attempted to wrestle with the significance of what just happened. I fidgeted for perhaps a couple more minutes, sitting up on my knees, trying to catch my breath, opening then closing my eyes and all the time holding my head in place with two firm hands, as if any minute now it might fall off my shoulders and ruin everything anyway.
I cannot explain in words the sense of relief in knowing I was finally reunited with my mind and my body. A great relief too in being able to remind myself I had just undergone drug-induced experience. I was overwhelmed by a curious yet immense feeling of having been finally released by this experience, that this thing had me crushed to a single undefinable point of existence, and still had the benevolence in its final throes to let me go. I was very thankful to be me again, just a humble explorer sat on some blankets in a candlelit room with a very good friend. Only then was I able to take my hands from my head and crack a weak but important smile.
"You cannot go further into the Bardo and return. This takes you as for as you can go." Terence McKenna.
In the 30 minutes following the experience I was not able to compute or describe any of what had just happened. It was late and I was tired and I had to retire with very little reflection on the whole episode. To consider its magnitude at that point would've been a challenge beyond my ability to manage, dangerous even. I climbed into a cosy bed and was asleep before my head hit the pillow. So good to be alive. So good to be physical. I looked forward to eating again, to speaking words and language with my friend, and having some lovely cuddles with my beautiful girlfriend later. So, so good.
And so i've had the best part of a day to attempt integration of this very powerful experience. In these early stages of contemplation I have no real conclusions, but I do have some thoughts:
[1] As by far the most powerful DMT experience of my life so far, is it therefore reasonable to suggest this was a full and proper breakthrough? And if so, what can I make of previous experiences that I had considered to be breakthroughs? Wooly area perhaps, given the subjective nature of personal experiences.
[2] I feel foolish to have ever considered I had a handle on this drug and its nature. It has just shifted gears on me. This feels like level two or something.
[3] Whilst relieved to have survived the experience I am somewhat disappointed to have not retrieved any tangible information from the experience itself, not at this stage at least. In destroying Me the assimilation of DMT destroyed the observer, and so any attempt to reliably report on the experience is probably futile. I have to give some credence to the idea I may have overdosed here, and i'd like to hear your thoughts on DMT overdosing. I do not know enough about this area to comment further.
[4] Here's the biggie, and its enough to drive me to tears when I think about it: did I really die out there?!
Plenty for me to be chewing on for some time here, fellow Nexians. Certainly enough to keep me away from any further DMT trips until i've integrated this experience. Suffice to say this new chapter of DMT, death & me is one to cherish for a long, long time. I will never be the same again, and thats just fine with me.
Peace, love and empathy to you all. Comments please if you care to share.
x
