Every psychedelic at its peak tells me to kill myself, why?

[giver of will]

Since I was 18. The title explain its all, it doesn't matter if its mushrooms, acid, or dmt. Every single one of them gives me a bad trip when I am peaking the hardest on it by convincing me that I need to kill myself to escape. I'm done bullshitting on how my trips are, this is how they are once I reach the fullest peak of them ALL. I am not a sad person I have a very very very blessed life and each time I reach these peaks I am just completely blown away by the notion that I will kill myself. You are going to tell me psychedelics are not for me and I need to live my life more, cool, appreciate the advice, heard it a hundred times before. But honestly since experiencing it so much, I just want to understand this phenomena, maybe I never will. Maybe someone else out there gets the same trips I do, who knows, maybe I am just rambling to myself.

 

[endlessness]

I`m not sure how to take that ¨youre gonna tell me¨ comment, seems quite spiteful. If you ask, you should be open to all answers, no? When you say that, it may just prevent others from even wanting to help you out... Also, if you`ve been told something a hundred times, maybe its time to listen?

The psychedelics tell you to `escape` from what, from the trip, from life?

I know this person who once had a very bad trip where mushrooms said she would kill herself. She was going through some crisis in her life, and after some months when this whole thing had passed, she had a big transformation in her life, and she concluded that the `killing herself` was not literally, but metaphorically, related to her ego, and/or to her current situation in life. Is that possibly whats happening with you? It`s normal that trips speak in what seems literal but is actually symbolic/metaphorical language.

You say your life is blessed, but how so? Is it possible there is some underlying insatisfaction with something happening now or in your past?

Lastly, yes, maybe indeed psychedelics are not for you, at least not right now.. Did you consider that option, and if so, what are your thoughts on it?

BTW, when you say `since I was 18`, I dont know how old you are, so we need more info to contextualize.

 

[giver of will]

she concluded that the `killing herself` was not literally, but metaphorically, related to her ego, and/or to her current situation in life. Is that possibly whats happening with you?

I have actually thought about this many times, I have never personally experienced complete ego death and I have assumed maybe this is what my mind is telling me, death as in ego death. But the more I journey into the experience the more I feel like I am hitting a brick wall. Like I am just reaching this peak that I can't get past that says "ok josh you are here, ready to kill yourself now? you fucked up getting this far because you are stuck here" kinda mindset and its honestly starting to convince me that all the HUGE experiences I have read on here and heard from other people are all just false and that its all just a hoax to get me to get to that peak to the point where I actually kill myself, which I do not plan on doing at all.

 

[giver of will]

You say your life is blessed, but how so? Is it possible there is some underlying insatisfaction with something happening now or in your past?

Lastly, yes, maybe indeed psychedelics are not for you, at least not right now.. Did you consider that option, and if so, what are your thoughts on it?

BTW, when you say `since I was 18`, I dont know how old you are, so we need more info to contextualize.

Sorry, I am actually coming out of a dmt trip now so I posted this thread skipping some background info. I am 24 turning 25 in a few days. I graduated from college last may and landed a sweet job a month later that I have been doing since. I'm making more money on my own than I have ever done in my entire life and I am fairly attractive and am talking to a very very beautiful and sweet women that I met a few months back. So yea, I would say thatI am blessed, no underlying issues. I have actually quit psychedelics for about a year after my last acid sent me into a bad suicide mode and I actually freaked all my friends out at this festival and made them miss a few really good sets because of it. I recently came across some jungle spice last month and my first few trips on it were amazing. But now when experience it I flash right back to that bad LSD trip i had last year where I am just talking to my own mind and everything and everyone around me is an illusion created by my own mind and I just hear this BUZZING and BUZZING in my brain where its just like "END IT, THIS IS GOING TO FREE YOU". It confuses me so much.

 

[Wax]

its honestly starting to convince me that all the HUGE experiences I have read on here and heard from other people are all just false and that its all just a hoax to get me to get to that peak to the point where I actually kill myself, which I do not plan on doing at all.

Do you really feel like all the breakthrough experiences you've heard about are just a fabrication by others to get you to kill yourself? If so then I would say you should seriously consider listening to the advice others have given you hundreds of times before. No offense, but that comment sounds like a paranoid delusion of sorts.

I can relate to the feeling of others being in on some sort of sick joke being played on you, but that is only in the midst of a salvia experience and it fades with the trip. If you are thinking these thoughts during sober reality then you should seriously take a break.

 

[pitubo]

Please remember that physical death is an inevitability that will happen to us all eventually.

There is no need whatsoever to hurry towards it.

Take your time to work out the challenges that life gives you.

I'm sorry to say that having a life that appears to be successful on the outside does not mean that a person does not have underlying issues. It does not work like that. In fact, many times people aspire to success to compensate for underlying issues. In the end, it usually doesn't satisfy deeply and the person becomes more unhappy on the inside as they feel even more powerless about what really matters, the underlying feelings that are not really addressed by the "success".

Take care of yourself.

 

[Sabnock]

If you feel like you're experiences are saying you should be dying, perhaps Ayahuasca is worth a shot?

 

[giver of will]

its honestly starting to convince me that all the HUGE experiences I have read on here and heard from other people are all just false and that its all just a hoax to get me to get to that peak to the point where I actually kill myself, which I do not plan on doing at all.

Do you really feel like all the breakthrough experiences you've heard about are just a fabrication by others to get you to kill yourself? If so then I would say you should seriously consider listening to the advice others have given you hundreds of times before. No offense, but that comment sounds like a paranoid delusion of sorts.

I can relate to the feeling of others being in on some sort of sick joke being played on you, but that is only in the midst of a salvia experience and it fades with the trip. If you are thinking these thoughts during sober reality then you should seriously take a break.

No, I am not experiencing these things in my sober reality. I have never said that I have. Please don't jump to conclusions. I have never smoked saliva but I heard its a hell of a trip. I am open to suggestions but the fact that I experience this psychedelic urge to kill myself is the reason I am posting here in the first place.

 

[giver of will]

Please remember that physical death is an inevitability that will happen to us all eventually.

There is no need whatsoever to hurry towards it.

Take your time to work out the challenges that life gives you.

I'm sorry to say that having a life that appears to be successful on the outside does not mean that a person does not have underlying issues. It does not work like that. In fact, many times people aspire to success to compensate for underlying issues. In the end, it usually doesn't satisfy deeply and the person becomes more unhappy on the inside as they feel even more powerless about what really matters, the underlying feelings that are not really addressed by the "success".

Take care of yourself.

Really like this response. But what if these things in my life are bringing me happiness? Are you saying that deep down my subconsciousness hates who I am? I don't think so at all. I don't even look at it as success, I describe it to you forum users as success just to give you a general idea that I am not depressed and I am not upset. I am trying to describe my experiences in a light where I am happy with who I am. And thats the truth.

 

[pitubo]

If you feel things in life are bringing you happiness, then who am I to dispute that?

I don't think you unconsciously hate who you are, I doubt if that would be possible for any person at all. But I believe it would not be impossible for example to unconsciously resent concessions you once made to the outside world. If these concessions get stuck and turn into unconscious assumptions about you and your world, you might forget that they are just assumptions and not you.

I believe that the unconscious parts of ourselves are quite capable at being at odds with each other in ways that our consciousness finds hard to imagine.

Anyway, that's just my musing. I'm not a professional in any relevant field. However, I must remark that if you have these feelings that your general environment, for example the postings on this forum, are conspiring towards you specifically, and you have these feelings even while you are sober, that would IMHO not be a good sign for your emotional condition. I would say it could be an indication of a structural emotional overload then, requiring help from competent professional people.

If you have the feelings only at the apex of trips, then I would say that these experiences are temporarily causing such an overload in you. It is up to you to decide how to deal with this. You are apparently a grown up and competent individual. Your coming to the forum and asking rational advice about your situation indicates that you feel responsible for yourself, your situation and your actions. I can only compliment you for that.

 

[Lichen]

First of all, it takes courage to come out and acknowledge that you are beginning to develop a pattern of intrusive, suicidal thoughts while tripping. A solution to these kinds of moments can never be fully addressed, if the problem isn't recognised.

I agree with what everyone has said so far, that although externally everything seems hunky-dory there is likely a conflict in your life that hasn't been fully examined. And yes, I will say it, maybe psychedelics are just not for you.

Do you do any meditation? I think this is the best thing anyone can do to deal with the dark psychedelic experiences. This stuff is not hippy bullshit.

If you have never done any meditation before, you can feel a little foolish at first, and may feel like you are 'not doing it right' - in my experience, there is no 'right' way; just do what feels comfortable for you.

Fill up a bottle of water, find a quiet, safe and comfortable space, ensuring that you are warm and away from interuptions. You want to create a single controlled environment around you, so that you can focus completely on the experience with zero concern for the outside world.

Ensure that you are warm. Sit or lay down with eyes closed and just focus on keeping a steady even breathe - it will help you remain calm and your mind will do the rest. Moments of anxiety will of course occur, but just keep breathing through them and they will pass.

You do this, and you might be able to get to the nitty gritty.

Reoccuring dark trips suck, and can snowball into anxiety about the trips themselves instead of where they originated - I say nip it in the bud, and get to the bottom of the issue. LSD is great for deep abrasive, introspection.

Please take care.

 

[pitubo]

I would also like to emphasize that a lot of psychedelic substances may weaken the ego barriers between the conscious and unconscious parts of the self. Any conflicts lingering in the unconscious can then be experienced more consciously.

If the set and setting are safe (in the broadest sense of "self-safety" ) this can help clear up such unconscious conflicts and give great relief from psychological suffering.

If there is insufficient self-safety during the (re)experiencing of these conflicts, psychological survival mechanisms might kick in and actually intensify and exacerbate the unconscious conflicts and traumatic repression.

Users of psychedelics should be aware that psychedelics are powertools, not toys. Like a surgical scalpel can be used to heal, it can also be used to cut yourself in the fingers.

This is one reason why I have personally come to be doubtful about the merits of tripping at festivals and concerts.

It is better to compare psychedelic use with deep sea diving and high mountain hiking. The view can be astonishing, but if you are not well-prepared and in good condition (and company), there are real risks involved.

 

[Wax]

its honestly starting to convince me that all the HUGE experiences I have read on here and heard from other people are all just false and that its all just a hoax to get me to get to that peak to the point where I actually kill myself, which I do not plan on doing at all.

Do you really feel like all the breakthrough experiences you've heard about are just a fabrication by others to get you to kill yourself? If so then I would say you should seriously consider listening to the advice others have given you hundreds of times before. No offense, but that comment sounds like a paranoid delusion of sorts.

I can relate to the feeling of others being in on some sort of sick joke being played on you, but that is only in the midst of a salvia experience and it fades with the trip. If you are thinking these thoughts during sober reality then you should seriously take a break.

No, I am not experiencing these things in my sober reality. I have never said that I have. Please don't jump to conclusions. I have never smoked saliva but I heard its a hell of a trip. I am open to suggestions but the fact that I experience this psychedelic urge to kill myself is the reason I am posting here in the first place.

Apologies I wasn't trying to jump to conclusions. I must have misread your post, it seemed to me that you were saying that you are beginning to believe that all the "huge" experiences you have heard about were fabrications made by others in order to get you to take a large dose and kill yourself. I took that as a sober thought you were having due to you repeatedly hitting a wall during trips and not being able to get past the idea of killing yourself to reach the point others have described.

Like I said, if you are having these thoughts during a trip then I can somewhat relate in the sense that you feel others are trying to essentially trick you. Maybe this has to do with some sort of deep seated trust issue? In regards to feeling you should kill yourself, maybe it is more of a metaphor. Have you ever experienced a breakthrough or is that where the brick wall comes into play? Perhaps you are on the precipice of a breakthrough/ ego death and you are subconsciously holding back and the medicines are telling you that you need to make the conscious choice to let go. If this was the case it could also point to trust issues, not being able to trust the medicine and give yourself up to it completely.

 

[PowerfulMedicine]

I believe that the unconscious parts of ourselves are quite capable at being at odds with each other in ways that our consciousness finds hard to imagine.

I completely agree with this. It even seems that your unconscious thoughts are coming out in your writing.

I am not a sad person I have a very very very blessed life and each time I reach these peaks I am just completely blown away by the notion that I will kill myself.

When I read this, I automatically thought that this stunk of overcompensation. The repetitive use of a relatively worthless adjective in my mind is always a last resort effort. To me it seems more like you are trying to convince yourself that this is true than you are trying to prove it to the rest of us.

Maybe you just couldn't think of a better way to express this idea. This could just be poor writing. But I've always felt that the subconscious mind tends to represent the true self better than the conscious mind. The subconscious mind is not subject to the effects of the ego since it is not consciously expressed in an outward manner.

I've always thought of the ego as serving as the first line of psychological defense. The ego generally tries to maintain a positive outward expression of the self. It tries to convince your conscious mind and the world that you are important. This is a survival mechanism. The ego can be thought of as a source of self confidence that convinces you that you should live. And the ego feeds off of the its perception of approval from the conscious mind and other people.

When the subconscious mind is at odds with the ego, the ego works harder to convince the conscious mind of the worthiness of the individual's life. This causes the subconscious mind to be drowned out, so the subconscious mind then also begins to work harder to convey it's message to the conscious mind.

This acts as positive feedback and ultimately leads to an increase of leakage from the subconscious mind to the conscious mind. When you take a psychedelic, you blur the lines between the conscious and subconscious mind and you allow the your subconscious thoughts to flood the conscious mind in a less diluted way.

What I'm trying to say with this, is that your suicidal ideations are not a true representation of your desires. They are the result of compensatory actions by your ego and subconscious. This just means that your ego and subconscious are not in balance. You don't really want to kill yourself. It is just that your subconscious is screaming at you that you are unsatisfied in some way. In a sober state, this message still isn't making it to your conscious mind due to the opposing efforts of the ego. But while under the influence of psychedelics, you are able to perceive this cry for help.

 

[thymamai]

No one can tell you why your body is the way it is. For the sake of discussion, it's easy to speculate. But the reasons are too numerous and variable for any replies here to be truly helpful to you. It could be that psychs aren't good for you at this point in your life, for whatever impossible reason. Or, it could be that you sustained a kind of trauma from the lsd trip you mentioned, and your body is still harboring a strong imprint from that, which could take a number of years and / or other traumas to dissolve.
I'm sorry you are experiencing a consistent and overwhelming negativity in your psychedelic work, but can do nothing for you. Everyone must put their personal health before everything, and it's never easy. Marijuana for example changed drastically into something I didn't want to handle anymore, a few years ago. Although it was something I did only occasionally, what I was experiencing was borderline psychotic and I've since refused to put myself back into that place with a substance that is increasingly hard to avoid.

 

[Jarppi]

I hope I don't sound too harsh when I say this, but considering yourself to be blessed because you have the money, the looks and the women isn't happiness, it's just a bunch of attributes that are considered desirable in modern society, the psychiatrists office is filled with millionaires, models and pornstars. I think your ego is convincing you that these are the things you want because they're the things you've been told you should want, but they're not giving a sense of fulfillment to your life. The next time a psychedelic is kicking your ass and telling you to check out ask "why should I?" and perhaps you'll get some answers.

 

[kiang]

giver, i'm not so experienced in entheogens as yourself, but maybe a practical advice would be, whenever you take a good dose of an entheogen, take them in the proper place, away form potential dangerous sites and items.

That is a really simple and basic thing as i'm sure you are aware.. but sometimes the simple things we discard easily.

If i would be you (obviously i dont know whats in your mind), but me being in your situation, i would still take them and work on this issue, BUT on save grounds (aka no knives and stuff near) probably in the wood or in a nice place in the mountains and alone..

 

[Continuum]

There is a lot of really great, introspective advise here, but I'm going to keep it simple and echo Kiang's statements. Should you decide to proceed with psychedelics after careful consideration, please have a sober sitter present who is aware of your situation and prepared to respond appropriately should you need help.

 

[Aeternus]

It is time to realise that you are not a mind.
You are the space in which mind manifests, you are the consciousness.

Everything that manifests itself within consciousness is an object of the mind.
It dosen't matter if it is subconscious mind or conscious mind, they sum up into one. In fact subconscious mind is made of thoughts but those are much deeper, underling beneath the conscious thoughts, they are like fundament judgements for conscious thought.
Dynamics and mechanics of the mind can be deeply researched on LSD but this compound is not neccessary for deep introspection, meditation is enough, after all psychedelics are just catalysts of the realisation process. They can reveal what is the contents of your mind but also can overload you with it and crush you with its statements. (Within you is heaven but hell also.)

This happens only when you are deeply identified with your mind, not consciousness. (You are in dualism of positive/negative not above it.) All mind fades away in front of pure consciousness. (Unconditional love for all existance.) What you really need to do is focus not on the thoughts and feelings but the space that surrounds them. It is immortal, untouchable by any object of the mind including death which is the same. You have to leave all your attachments and observe their dance/flow, before you.

I recomend you meditation and staying focus on simply being. Everything that pops out within your consciousness can be distrACTION but only when you began an anction. Tension inside you begans its existance with the InTention. So don't allow your thoughts to play "ping pong" with your consciousness as a ball, let it settle still. Fear can appear while you doing it, screaming "I am dying" but it is thought also. You are not a person, you are something much deeper and greater, beyond everyThing. Person is only an image that you percive, the object of the mind. There is no one to be death but only an illusion to vanish. So don't cling your self to the mind, as an actor (thought) to the stage, let it go and end the show.

The main goal of your expirances is to accomplish the separation between the consciousness and the mind, to settle self in the middle of your being. It is conquest of mental maturity and unification between subconscious and conscious mind into one mind. Carl Jung called it the process of individuation.

Notabene: Objects don't bring happiness, they only limits you and sometimes resonate with your Self which releases happiness within you. You are the wisdom, love and bliss. Your own Soul. That you shall seek or you shall not pass the exam and go to a higher states of consciousness.

 

[HumbleTraveler]

Jarppi and Aeternus said very very truthful statements. Excellent advice being given here for this situation and beautifully said.

Elaborating on that, happiness and social success aside, do you feel fulfilled in your life? Rhetorical, you don't have to tell us here that you do feel fulfilled or don't. Simply be honest with yourself. At the end of the day, if you can be honest with yourself, that's all that matters. What we say or think doesn't, your own take on you is what matters.

If your answer is no, perhaps a change of course is what you may actually need. The mundane world of the senses can only take you so far, it will not provide true spiritual fulfillment. What the world says is what you're supposed to acquire is all superficial garbage. Is it nice to be able to be financially care free and be the man? Of course. But theres far far far more to life than just success and cash.