Everything went black - reflecting 5 years later

[Pile of cats]

Hi everyone, I recently wrote a rather long report on a subject that I'm quite fascinated by, especially because I find so little mention of it anywhere and yet see reference to it so much in the culture that has developed around the psychedelic experience.

Many years have passed since this confusing experience but with time I've been able to process this experience for what it was:

I was in my caravan living in the woods on the outskirts of Stockholm at the time. I was in my honeymoon phase with DMT. I had read so much about the fantastic experiences people had in hyperspace and I really wanted to see what it was everyone was talking about, I'd had many deep experiences already but nothing that was what I'd consider a breakthrough.

It was night time and I went about my usual ritual of smoking 100mg of 50:50 changa / infused herb. My smoking technique using a bong was never perfect so I doubt I was ever usually getting the full dose. This time right after smoking the hit, something in me decided it would be a good idea to double up with another 100mg before laying down and letting go to the experience. So in total I'd potentially smoked 100mg of dmt (terrible idea, don't do it even 50mg when properly vaped is too much)

So as I lay down, in an instant all the air was sucked out of the room along with all form and colour and I was left in a total black void. I couldn't remember who or what I was, why this had happened, what time was so every passing second felt like an eternity of fear, confusion, loneliness and absolute desperation for some kind of stimuli.

After an eternity of eternities passed I began to see something forming in the void and in my desperation, my attention was transfixed upon it without a second of doubt over what it was I was drifting towards. as I got closer I saw it was some kind of geometric / kaleidoscopic form that became more intricate and detailed towards it's centre and so my attention drifted towards it. As more and more of my attention became locked upon it, it began to unfold from it's centre revealing even more intricate forms and eventually a kaleidoscope of womens bare legs that gave off a sexual feeling that continued to entice me towards it. I felt something.. Familiarity and I was desperate to feel more and so I drifted towards it until I was as close as I could be to it.

As I came face to face with the centre of this form, It finished it's unfolding and at this point it was too late for me to turn back. It's true nature was revealed and every fibre of my being recoiled in horror as this thing began to merge with me. I could feel it slipping inside my very soul and I felt like I was being raped. Thoughts and images were being projected by it as my own and I could feel how it wanted to completely dominate me and yet in my fear I was powerless over it. It continued to enter me and as it finished doing so, my eyes opened and I was back my oh so familiar body, completely terrified and stumped as to the meaning of what I'd just experienced..

Up until that point, nothing I'd ever experienced was anything like it and I thought I'd just experienced the famous hyperslap so I decided that this was time for a long break (which ended up lasting 5 months)

fast forward 5 years and this is all beginning to make sense to me as to what it is that I experienced that night. I've tripped many times since then which have helped in my understanding.

I really believe that there is something within us that doesn't belong and it is that which is between you and your happiness, it thrives on your ignorance and as you begin to discover how it is rooted in you and how it operates, it begins to lose its power over you.

I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I'd just rejected that form when in that black void and that if next time I see it from outside like that if I'll have the strength to just push on past it. It gives the impression that it's powerful but it is so only in it's ability to deceive.

 

[null24]

Your experience, at least the first half, sounds close to my experience dissolving into salvia-space in which I also felt violated. Seemingly prior to my awareness of this state, "I" just emerged into a blackness, void of all being, a true emptiness. Any touchpoint upon which I could hang anything relative to being other than awareness of being conscious and existing had been removed at some point and this was all I knew. It was eternal, dark, silent and empty- it is terrifying to be aware in a thing like that. Why the hell did I do this to myself? I felt taunted and as if I was being punished in some way for some violation, though I had no self. I just knew I was being punished and was bad. As you describe the shape coming into your awareness, so I became aware of a mandala like a sunflower growing into my awareness. Slowly, slivers would appear in the petals that were like windows into my real world and I began to remember, piece by piece what it was and it was a comfort to "me" the more I recalled who and what I was. I think it took me ten minutes to sit up and enunciate the words " I...will...never...do...that...again..." to my friend and competent sitter who had administered the dose.

I did it again ten minutes later, and it was lot better
.

I saw it was some kind of geometric / kaleidoscopic form that became more intricate and detailed towards it's centre and so my attention drifted towards it. As more and more of my attention became locked upon it, it began to unfold from it's centre revealing even more intricate forms and eventually a kaleidoscope of womens bare legs that gave off a sexual feeling that continued to entice me towards it. I felt something.. Familiarity and I was desperate to feel more and so I drifted towards it until I was as close as I could be to it.

Could your vision have been a similar return of the self but was more violent in some way than my salvia trip, which was nevertheless psychedelically traumatic for me? DMT has a strong aversion to the material nature of existence, being hyperdimesional it seems. Perhaps this, butted up against a nature of your own both created your sexual kaleidoscope visions upon the return from your *astral* form and is responsible for the feelings you have had since rather than some external esoteric force?

Integration can be heck of a challenge, and maybe sometimes left to our own devices we can screw up the message. I know that I can. Personally from my standpoint I don't know about your theory, it seems too rooted in self-loathing for me to accept as any kind of world-view, although I can understand it as a visionary manifestation of a personal internal struggle between a more spiritual state and desires for self-gratification. IDK, peace to ya- I don't know you from Adam, I just read a trip report.

 

[Pile of cats]

Hey Null24, thanks for your reply! I love hearing similar experiences and I too have had a similar experience when I smoked Salvia on LSD where reality tore apart leaving me in blackness and then I saw a giant wheel containing generic life events that repeated infinitely inwards towards it's centre. I got locked in some kind of infinite loop until my friend managed to snap me out of it. The impression that left on me was just that the nature of the physical universe that we're invested in is incredibly repetitive and in it's monotonous repetition it wears us down more and more as we continue to spin in this wheel.

I didn't mean for this report to come across as self loathing, I intentionally omit certain details or my interpretation of certain parts of it as I generally don't want to colour other peoples experiences too much with my own as I know that in the beginning of my journey with all this, expecting the things that I'd read in other peoples experiences lead to me going no where. It wasn't until I stopped expecting anything I truly began to get anywhere.

The 10 bulls in zen has really resonated with me through out the years: 10 Bulls, one of many beautiful and significant Zen story
Personally I believe what I'm seeing is the bull in this metaphor, I don't believe the bull to truly be me as I feel more myself when I'm without it. The bull is a construct of my own making with no real consciousness of my own, It's more like an AI that has learned from what I've fed it and through time it has come to believe itself to be living.

When I trip on LSD, if I let everything slip away until I'm pushed up against the walls of my own ego I see the bull entangled throughout the reflection of my self and as it starts slipping away it feeds be troubling thoughts to try and keep me from truly discovering it.

As I said, I don't think this is some kind of external malevolent entity in the sense of a demon or something like that. It's something entirely of my own creation but it (at least to me and seemingly many others) is a very real thing.

I think many people see the ego as the enemy where I only believe that to be true in part. It's a very specific part of our ego that keeps us rooted in suffering and I just hope that people will be open to that idea so that there's a chance it can be discovered.

'The black dog' is a great metaphor here actually. I did struggle with depression and self loathing through much of my life but I've since come to discover that this certain part of myself has allowed to dominate me during that time. It's since I started to see this thing for what it is that I've been able to make true steps away from these feelings and begin to live life in a way that genuinely makes me happy and fulfilled.

I don't want to be stating any of this as fact and it's only true for you if it's true for you. I only decided to share this because I find it strange that there's so much reference to this topic (that I might be explaining poorly) in so much psychedelic culture and yet so little talk on the subject. I literally can't find a single person online mention this reoccurring visual I get on LSD and yet I've met several people who see the same thing.

There's a lot of media in the form of various peoples art and music that I can draw upon to give examples of what I'm talking about if anyone's interested. Send me a pm and I'll share!