Exploring PTSD and Potential ADHD

[Voidmatrix]

I'd like to explore PTSD and potential ADHD. Part of me being more compassionate with myself (instead of thinking I'm simply undisciplined, lazy, etc).

I have a diagnosis of PTSD (that may be CPTSD). I was in denial about it for years, thinking that I hadn't been through anything "that bad." That's not very compassionate. I'm flipping the script on that presently. I'm concerned with this as my social experiences seem to be diminishing and/or not going well. One thing in particular is this experience of spectating myself getting hot and bothered in conversation over things that are relatively harmless. I manage this well, but the internal experience and thoughts therein are not what I'd like them to be. I had assumed that this was just because I'm deeply philosophic and passionate about it and so am very particular, but it seems to be more than that, or being a highly sensitive person. There are other things as well, but I'm focusing on this at the moment.

I do not have a diagnosis of ADHD. I would still like to explore it as I feel I may have it. I do plan on seeing a therapist once I have insurance and the funds to do so again. However, there are certain things that seem to be getting worse with age, such as centered focus (without any other external stimuli), easily bored, drained, generally scatter-brained, and "unproductive" and "inconsistent." It got worse when I dropped certain habits like journaling and reading everyday. I still meditate daily. Granted, I've been overwhelmed for a while, don't sleep the best, and do experience depression as well.

This is me just taking some kind of step forward. While this is all on my mind right now, I'm actually doing pretty well today.

One love

 

[acacian]

I think both PTSD and ADHD are commonly underdiagnosed conditions.. in the case of PTSD I think people pass it off as being for 'more serious' traumas - forgetting that their experiences of suffering and pleasure are relative to their own unique set of circumstances and the contrasting feelings they elicit. Don't feel as if you need to have been abused or bared witness to some extreme heinous act towards you or those around you - or that you need to be jumping across the walls with your fingers in a million pies. What you feel matters and is always relevant.. !

This is a question I've asked myself as well, however like yourself, pass it off due to feeling like my trauma and lack of concentration don't 'qualify' in contrast to the experiences of those around me. Certainly in the case of ADHD I am not the really energetic/frantic type.. yet I do have trouble concentrating on tasks, especially if not something I am really interested in. As far as PTSD .. again I'd say people would probably gauge my trauma as quite mild compared to others.. but I'm realising this is an incompassionate attitude towards myself.

I admire that you use the forum as a vehicle to express things that you might have trouble expressing in the flesh. We're a community of pretty likeminded people.. you're always welcome to bounce your thoughts and vulnerabilities here.. I'm sure most of us will resonate with what you say and maybe help in whatever way we can.

 

[Mr°Joie]

I think both PTSD and ADHD are commonly underdiagnosed conditions.. in the case of PTSD I think people pass it off as being for 'more serious' traumas - forgetting that their experiences of suffering and pleasure are relative to their own unique set of circumstances and the contrasting feelings they elicit. Don't feel as if you need to have been abused or bared witness to some extreme heinous act towards you or those around you - or that you need to be jumping across the walls with your fingers in a million pies. What you feel matters and is always relevant.. !

This is a question I've asked myself as well, however like yourself, pass it off due to feeling like my trauma and lack of concentration don't 'qualify' in contrast to the experiences of those around me. Certainly in the case of ADHD I am not the really energetic/frantic type.. yet I do have trouble concentrating on tasks, especially if not something I am really interested in. As far as PTSD .. again I'd say people would probably gauge my trauma as quite mild compared to others.. but I'm realising this is an incompassionate attitude towards myself.

I admire that you use the forum as a vehicle to express things that you might have trouble expressing in the flesh. We're a community of pretty likeminded people.. you're always welcome to bounce your thoughts and vulnerabilities here.. I'm sure most of us will resonate with what you say and maybe help in whatever way we can.

In france ADHD is TDA/H; Trouble Defficit Attention and H for hyperacitivity, it could be with or without hyperactivity, that's why there is the /
Im not well versed into all of it though i think... i think that you might be able to consider having ADHD without the "energetic:frantic" type of personnality.

 

[The Traveler]

i think that you might be able to consider having ADHD without the "energetic:frantic" type of personnality.

In the past this was also known as ADD (thus without the Hyperactivity), though since DSM-III they reverted back to ADHD only since they observed no significant differences between the two.

In DSM-IV they made three different categories:

• Predominantly hyperactive
• Predominately attention-deficit
• Prominently hyperactive and attention-deficit

The modern definition of ADHD in DSM-V includes defining inattentive, hyperactivity, and impulsivity, all of which are important to its definition.


Kind regards,

The Traveler

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you @acacian .

I hope you don't mind me exploring this is a critical way. I think that ADHD is both over and under diagnosed (many people diagnosed just need to learn to focus because they never did, and many are missed for a variety of reasons such as brute force intelligence). In the case of PTSD, I'm not sure but do align with elements of your position. What's difficult for us is predicated on what we're accustomed to. At the same time, it seems many just refuse to manage and be with emotion, which I don't blame anyone for (even if it annoys me) because they're abiding by a biological imperative: path of least resistance. Being with all of our emotions is difficult.

It reminds me of something my old therapist said, "everyone gets depressed, but not everyone has depression."

All that said, trauma is really about the response to an experience and not the experience itself, though, some experiences are likely to be more traumatic than others for most people. Considering that, people with sensory processing sensitivity are more prone to certain mental health struggles including PTSD, depression, and ADHD (where there is an overlap).

So, when I consider that some people may just need to check themselves, it's in instances in which someone is willingly being a hypocrite or even cases of sore losers: people just need perspective and regulation, I'm not sure it's necessarily related to trauma.

In our case, with regard to PTSD, I think that having it start in childhood especially if it's CPTSD, makes extremely hard to guage the severity; whatever environment we're in, traumatizing or not, becomes normalized to a degree in our minds.

Now none of this is to say that we should delimit trauma, regardless of the magnitude. Your trauma snd feelings about it are valid, my friend.

Some of this position comes from societal observations. We're in a time where it's "cool" to have trauma, so that makes me question the legitimacy of things.

And thank you deeply for that last part. I hope that it helps others, but it tends to get in my head that exploring things in myself in this way may appear self centered or as though I'm whining and airing my dirty laundry too much. Thank you for your support, and I hope you know you have mine.

One love

 

[Transform]

As you may be aware, these issues are something quite personal to me as well - @acacian's description of their experience sounds so uncannily familiar that I could have written it myself. @Voidmatrix's self-sceptism on account of the current trend towards popularisatiion of concepts around neurodiversity is something that I share too, to the extent of thinking "maybe I'm just an annoying w**ker and it's all my fault" - which I'm willing to admit is at least partly true

Nonetheless, please continue to whine and air your dirty laundry since it gives me the opportunity to join in, whereas I'd be unlikely to start my own thread in a similar vein for the aforementioned reason. Self-advocacy and legitimisation of my own voice has been something I've long struggled with so I'm quite keen to add a few more thoughts to this discussion as time progresses/permits.

 

[Voidmatrix]

@The Traveler thank you for adding that kind of specific definition of information to the thread.

@Transform Well let's make it a party. While I open up threads on a personal note, I'm glad it's noticed that it's really for everyone to join in.

In childhood, I'd get bored often, and then get in trouble for being bored, since, apparently "boredom breeds trouble," according to my dad. But things have always been hard to focus on. I think it's why I don't know how to study. I'm either bored, highly stimulated, or hyperfocused. If I do have ADHD, it does make me feel a bit better about my meditation journey, which has been a solo pursuit, and damn hard for 20 years

My job bores me, so towards the end of the work day, when I'm tired and my will power if low, I get antsy, ready to go and do something more interesting, though, when presented with many options, I'm paralyzed by them.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Would like to take a moment to thank everyone again. The open door and grace that everyone provides definitely makes it easier to authentically open up.

Maybe, at this time in my life, instead of simply assuming things like I'm weak, or just need to get better, or I need thicker skin, (and other ways of taking responsibility for things I can't be responsible for), I need to just accept and admit, it has been hard. Maybe it's been harder than I want to admit.

One love

 

[Koduckushi]

It's usually easier to see these missteps in others than within ourselves. Dealing with my own shadow has blinded me to my positives in many cases. I am often skeptical and dismissive of anyone else challenging the things I think about myself because, well, I'm the "leading expert" on myself. I'm not sure if that rings true in others, but it's my experience with the feeling. Although, I suspect many of you feel something similar, as the replies in the thread resonate with me.

I haven't been officially diagnosed with ADHD/PTSD, but I have noticed I exhibit a few of the common markers for ADHD. This is by no means a greenlight for an armchair self-diagnosis, and I don't wish to frame myself as having done so. That being said, these indicators/symptoms/markers can be difficult to manage if one is unable to see them in the first place due to a skewed self perception that is caused by them.

 

[Transform]

It's usually easier to see these missteps in others than within ourselves. Dealing with my own shadow has blinded me to my positives in many cases. I am often skeptical and dismissive of anyone else challenging the things I think about myself because, well, I'm the "leading expert" on myself. I'm not sure if that rings true in others, but it's my experience with the feeling. Although, I suspect many of you feel something similar, as the replies in the thread resonate with me.

I haven't been officially diagnosed with ADHD/PTSD, but I have noticed I exhibit a few of the common markers for ADHD. This is by no means a greenlight for an armchair self-diagnosis, and I don't wish to frame myself as having done so. That being said, these indicators/symptoms/markers can be difficult to manage if one is unable to see them in the first place due to a skewed self perception that is caused by them.

It seems like an entry qualification for the Nexus sometimes

After a pleasant weekend in the country and about an inch of potent, raw cactus I'm feeling a considerable degree more focussed than in previous weeks. Actually catching up with some old friends and having some people to chat with on my level besides my immediate family rounds off the equation for a quick mental revamp quite nicely.

 

[Voidmatrix]

It's usually easier to see these missteps in others than within ourselves.

In some ways I agree, but aren't we also our own worst enemies?

I do align however with being dismissive or skeptical of anything coming in that challenges the present view of myself. I've been learning that at some point after such has happened, usually in private, I try to verbally acknowledge said challenge to my self-conception and also say what I think about myself in some way, while calming my inner child, and giving back what's not mine to the source of many of my issues (as much as I tried to avoid being like my father, I became him to myself within myself). Really, it's parts work, but I'm just being outspoken about it which works in two-fold since I was also conditioned to have anxiety around speaking.

I think many people, in some instances, have some of the cues of ADHD, but may not have ADHD in a diagnosable way. It's an intricate constellation of symptoms and cues, while also being a "disorder" that exists on a spectrum. I think some people deal with ADHD while others may need to discipline their minds (I'm not saying that about you, I'm just reflecting). In my case, while undiagnosed, I am considering the possibility given the nature of my past experiences and difficulties. I always thought that I was dealing with my heightened sensitivity (sensory processing sensitivity) which has overlaps with autism and ADHD.

After a pleasant weekend in the country and about an inch of potent, raw cactus I'm feeling a considerable degree more focussed than in previous weeks. Actually catching up with some old friends and having some people to chat with on my level besides my immediate family rounds off the equation for a quick mental revamp quite nicely.

Reminds me that I have some synthetic mescaline that I still need to try out. Maybe one of these Fridays in the coming weeks.

I'm happy to hear that the cactus and those you love served to help you refind your equilibrium.

One love

 

[brokedownpalace10]

I may not have read enough about it, but I have seen PSTD defined as being constantly on the alert for so long that it becomes a learned response which is physical as well as mental. Viet Nam vets were fearful of their life for months or years and survived by being on high alert. They learned that that was necessary to keep living. Then they couldn't turn it off.

So, yeah, you can have a milder version of PTSD. Even a milder version than Voidmatrix is suffering with.
In my case, I had a super stressful job in the last decade before I retired. There was an individual who got demoted and I was put in his position, then a good friend of his became my boss, and plant superintendent. This was Kentucky and I'm from Ohio so the good old boy network was firmly in place. My tires were cut, I was assaulted at work, my 10 year old daughter was approached and had her ear bent when she visited her mom, lottsa pretty nasty stuff.

Enough whining. He was constantly trying to fire me and I had to respond be being 120% for 5-8 years.
And I "won". Kept the job until retirement, paid my house off, raised my kid. It took my every minute and every thought. Took work home. Did what it took

Once retired, pot's a great band aid, but my sleep was not good without it and there was still work to do. I can't be a pothead just yet. Been using the deem's to try to get in touch with my dreams. I was dreaming about being back at work fighting the good fight a lot. A persisting alert I needed to turn off.

That's better, but if life is stressful the work dreams return. Seems I associate that with problem solving and stress. Great progress in that area, though. We'll poke around a little more when less busy.

So, sorry about the too personal stuff.
IMO, what I had/have is a mild version of PTSD.
Yes, PTSD can happen in mild, moderate, and severe versions.

 

[🌺🔥🫧]

Wishing you all the best with this adventure ~

The stimulant plant medicines have really helped me bring wholeness, beauty, and peace/resilience into my soul.

My first incredibly healing experience was a San Pedro + Tobacco medicine ceremony (Overnight Drumming ceremony, conducted in a traditional indigenous manner)
This experience really just, bathed my mind in a healing golden psychedelic ocean of trance. It completely healed a specific PTSD, as well as just generally made me a more whole person in general.

My other healing experiences have come from LSD + MDMA + Lotus Posture (and some streching/movement intermittently) + Nature
These experiences have really woven so much beauty of this life into me, as well as kindness and respect.

I feel like these euphoric psychedelic medicines are deeply healing voices to have for individuals seeking PTSD recover. I feel I am a much more balanced person going into medince trips, and just life as a whole these days. I feel more space in myself for exploring the wide wide gammut which can be explored with these powerful spirits.

Notably I mentioned the drumming, and the nature-lotus as very powerful key dimensions to those experiences I had.

Just some of my experiences!

Much love
It's a beautiful summer here these past weeks

 

[Voidmatrix]

I may not have read enough about it, but I have seen PSTD defined as being constantly on the alert for so long that it becomes a learned response which is physical as well as mental. Viet Nam vets were fearful of their life for months or years and survived by being on high alert. They learned that that was necessary to keep living. Then they couldn't turn it off.

Complex PTSD, or dissociative PTSD in the U.S. has all of the traits of regular PTSD and then a plethora of others. I'm a kind of always on edge, and sometimes, especially when stressed, it shows up more times than others (such as today during my role-playing game when I just bailed because I felt one of the other players couldn't have a productive conversation, so I just bounced). I had to be on guard mentally and physically growing up, and even being in that state, it never really felt like it helped me much because I would often find myself in lose/lose situations. Such is the game and pattern when dealing with someone who is irrational and will always force situations in a manner that always makes them "right."

Other symptoms include relationship issues, such as establishing and maintaining them and a hard time not avoiding them, difficulty with emotional regulations, a lot of anger, constant hopelessness, distrust... if you google it you'll find more.

As for my severity of "disorder" or "illness," like I said above, it's been hard for me to gauge; I grew up in the environment that spawned my trauma and so it's all I know. I may have been a little happier when I was really young, but a lot of things started to become damaging between the ages of 6 and 9 and got real bad for me around 10/11. At the same time, every therapist I've had has said that I am "high functioning," with my longest standing therapist having said that I was her toughest client and that she didn't know how I kept going without meds because of severity.

I grew up very confused and regularly broken down. Here's an example that I may have shared before: When I was maybe 8, a friend and I were at the park playing basketball. Another friend's sisters ended up at the park. I don't remember exactly why, but they started picking on me and ended up beating me up while my friend ran and hid. I pretty much just let it happen, I didn't try to defend myself. Why? Because my father had regularly said "never hit a girl under any circumstances." He was often literal, something I noticed even at that early age, I realized that I was in a circumstance, and so chose not to hit them back. I was more afraid of him than these girls. I come home with a black eye, busted lip, and bruises, and naturally my father asks me what happened. I told him that so-and-so's sisters beat me up. So he goes to the apartment complex next door, speaks with their father (who he had gone to high school with) and comes back home. When he comes home he tells me, "if you ever let a girl beat you up again, I'll kick your ass." He had a saying, "do only what you know is right," which is hard to abide by when he doesn't help to understand with any amalgam of consistency what that is. He also didn't practice what he preached.

@🌺🔥🫧 Thank you for sharing your story and words of hope. Something I don't have much of. Psychedelics are a regular ally in these matters.

One love

 

[brokedownpalace10]

Complex PTSD, or dissociative PTSD in the U.S. has all of the traits of regular PTSD and then a plethora of others. I'm a kind of always on edge, and sometimes, especially when stressed, it shows up more times than others (such as today during my role-playing game when I just bailed because I felt one of the other players couldn't have a productive conversation, so I just bounced). I had to be on guard mentally and physically growing up, and even being in that state, it never really felt like it helped me much because I would often find myself in lose/lose situations. Such is the game and pattern when dealing with someone who is irrational and will always force situations in a manner that always makes them "right."

Other symptoms include relationship issues, such as establishing and maintaining them and a hard time not avoiding them, difficulty with emotional regulations, a lot of anger, constant hopelessness, distrust... if you google it you'll find more.

As for my severity of "disorder" or "illness," like I said above, it's been hard for me to gauge; I grew up in the environment that spawned my trauma and so it's all I know. I may have been a little happier when I was really young, but a lot of things started to become damaging between the ages of 6 and 9 and got real bad for me around 10/11. At the same time, every therapist I've had has said that I am "high functioning," with my longest standing therapist having said that I was her toughest client and that she didn't know how I kept going without meds because of severity.

I grew up very confused and regularly broken down. Here's an example that I may have shared before: When I was maybe 8, a friend and I were at the park playing basketball. Another friend's sisters ended up at the park. I don't remember exactly why, but they started picking on me and ended up beating me up while my friend ran and hid. I pretty much just let it happen, I didn't try to defend myself. Why? Because my father had regularly said "never hit a girl under any circumstances." He was often literal, something I noticed even at that early age, I realized that I was in a circumstance, and so chose not to hit them back. I was more afraid of him than these girls. I come home with a black eye, busted lip, and bruises, and naturally my father asks me what happened. I told him that so-and-so's sisters beat me up. So he goes to the apartment complex next door, speaks with their father (who he had gone to high school with) and comes back home. When he comes home he tells me, "if you ever let a girl beat you up again, I'll kick your ass." He had a saying, "do only what you know is right," which is hard to abide by when he doesn't help to understand with any amalgam of consistency what that is. He also didn't practice what he preached.

@🌺🔥🫧 Thank you for sharing your story and words of hope. Something I don't have much of. Psychedelics are a regular ally in these matters.

One love

I didn't mean to call your PTSD "mild". Poor wording on my part. I was responding to you and Acacian speaking of people thinking it's reserved for more serious trauma. It's not. My uneducated guess would be that the trauma being constant and lasting is key. And only you can know your hurts.

Things happening at a young age can really affect you. I've remembered a couple things smoaking when I kinda asked to.

Thanks for sharing yourself. If I could hand you hope, I would. The last line in the song "Ripple" by the Dead (like "Brokedown Palace") is, "If I knew the way, I would take you home.". Give it a spin if you get bored.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I didn't mean to call your PTSD "mild". Poor wording on my part. I was responding to you and Acacian speaking of people thinking it's reserved for more serious trauma. It's not. My uneducated guess would be that the trauma being constant and lasting is key. And only you can know your hurts.

It's funny, I didn't think that you were delimiting my experience, but I may have had prose in my response that appears as though I did. If that were the case, it's likely subconscious, and brought about by something very specific; a friend who is also a psychedelic guide and has some therapy background said to me "you're not as sick as you think you are," to which I can only chuckle. I found it to be a bold claim for the short amount of time he has known me, how we haven't been around each other that much, and that he doesn't really know too much about my past, as well as only seeing what I want him to see because we're around each other so little. The Springs and Summers I've spent incessantly crying are very indicative to me. All the same, I shared the above to show why it is hard for me to be able to access what the magnitude of severity might actually be.

And yes, it really can, and I understand that more and more everyday... Fortunately I have plenty of changa! Which I will say is medicinal and not escapist; DMT and harmalas have been clear that I cannot escape within them and I don't want to escape either.

And thank you so much for the kindness, the kind words, and the grooves.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Pretty long but valuable.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

A consideration that's currently baking my noodle.

So my CPTSD is from childhood, which means that I had it before ever doing DMT.

If I'm not mistaken, future traumatic events are likely cause a new PTSD response in those that already experience PTSD.

My fifth time smoalking DMT is where the bulk of my fear with DMT stems from (aside from other hard experiences).

So, did I inadvertently give myself PTSD with DMT? And I'm working through it by doing more DMT?



One love

 

[Kobranek]

Thank you VoidMatrix for starting this thread. This touches close to home for me as I have stated in other threads with my struggles with C-PTSD. I definitely hit all the hallmarks for it and was diagnosed to get my medical cannabis card over ten years ago. Did a thorough six years of talk therapy to feel like I only scratched the surface. I've rewritten this post many times feeling it's not good enough.

I feel that we all have a certain level of ptsd since life in general involves trauma. It's just a matter of how we go forward when we are exposed to a similar experience that triggers the negatives. I.e over startling, on edge, not trusting, etc... but with C-PTSD it's so subtle yet insidious that there are other hallmarks mainly fear of abandonment and everything that goes with that. Also how often we are currently being exposed to those triggers on a continual basis is huge. I've also struggled with suicidal ideations which is a topic many are not comfortable discussing.

So to answer your question if your treating your ptsd to dmt with more dmt? I feel it's a double edged sword. Depends if it's causing more trauma symptoms or resolving them could be the deciding factor. Everyone is different as one man's medicine is another man's poison. Even within our life there may be times when it may be more beneficial than other times.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you so much for your response @Kobranek

I too feel like I'm turning my wheels and not really getting anywhere often times.

Your timing in responding to this thread has some irony as I have been very very on edge the last few days, almost having a couple of anxiety attacks yesterday. There was no discernable reason. Today it's a great deal of anxiety and irritability.

I'd say we all have trauma of varying sorts and degrees, but not necessarily PTSD. One of the main factors to trauma is our response to an event that causes trauma. And this response is automatic and influenced by degrees of sensitivity (I'm a highly sensistive person for example). Various individuals can be put through the same experience and that experience can be traumatic for only a few. It seems that some events are likely to be more traumatic for more people than other types of events.

My potential trauma/PTSD from DMT is something I'm exploring only because of how difficult it is for me to comfortably approach the experience. When I plan to go to the gym I just go, but with DMT, if I plan a trip then there are all of these other things I have to do mentally to then be okay with my decision. This is likely tied to childhood trauma as well. However, with everything we're discussing, DMT seems to help the most and the most consistently.

One love

A couple other things that resonate with me in particular in this moment as i sit with all this aside from being on edge is the suicidal ideation which happens a few times a year, as well as paranoia and trust issues, especially trusting myself which can translate into psychedelic spaces.