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Complex PTSD, or dissociative PTSD in the U.S. has all of the traits of regular PTSD and then a plethora of others. I'm a kind of always on edge, and sometimes, especially when stressed, it shows up more times than others (such as today during my role-playing game when I just bailed because I felt one of the other players couldn't have a productive conversation, so I just bounced). I had to be on guard mentally and physically growing up, and even being in that state, it never really felt like it helped me much because I would often find myself in lose/lose situations. Such is the game and pattern when dealing with someone who is irrational and will always force situations in a manner that always makes them "right."

Other symptoms include relationship issues, such as establishing and maintaining them and a hard time not avoiding them, difficulty with emotional regulations, a lot of anger, constant hopelessness, distrust... if you google it you'll find more.

As for my severity of "disorder" or "illness," like I said above, it's been hard for me to gauge; I grew up in the environment that spawned my trauma and so it's all I know. I may have been a little happier when I was really young, but a lot of things started to become damaging between the ages of 6 and 9 and got real bad for me around 10/11. At the same time, every therapist I've had has said that I am "high functioning," with my longest standing therapist having said that I was her toughest client and that she didn't know how I kept going without meds because of severity.

I grew up very confused and regularly broken down. Here's an example that I may have shared before: When I was maybe 8, a friend and I were at the park playing basketball. Another friend's sisters ended up at the park. I don't remember exactly why, but they started picking on me and ended up beating me up while my friend ran and hid. I pretty much just let it happen, I didn't try to defend myself. Why? Because my father had regularly said "never hit a girl under any circumstances." He was often literal, something I noticed even at that early age, I realized that I was in a circumstance, and so chose not to hit them back. I was more afraid of him than these girls. I come home with a black eye, busted lip, and bruises, and naturally my father asks me what happened. I told him that so-and-so's sisters beat me up. So he goes to the apartment complex next door, speaks with their father (who he had gone to high school with) and comes back home. When he comes home he tells me, "if you ever let a girl beat you up again, I'll kick your ass." He had a saying, "do only what you know is right," which is hard to abide by when he doesn't help to understand with any amalgam of consistency what that is. He also didn't practice what he preached.

@[USER=64806]🌺🔥🫧[/USER] Thank you for sharing your story and words of hope. Something I don't have much of. Psychedelics are a regular ally in these matters.

One love

<blockquote data-quote="Voidmatrix" data-source="post: 3941513" data-attributes="member: 5">Complex PTSD, or dissociative PTSD in the U.S. has all of the traits of regular PTSD and then a plethora of others. I&#039;m a kind of always on edge, and sometimes, especially when stressed, it shows up more times than others (such as today during my role-playing game when I just bailed because I felt one of the other players couldn&#039;t have a productive conversation, so I just bounced). I had to be on guard mentally and physically growing up, and even being in that state, it never really felt like it helped me much because I would often find myself in lose/lose situations. Such is the game and pattern when dealing with someone who is irrational and will always force situations in a manner that always makes them &quot;right.&quot; Other symptoms include relationship issues, such as establishing and maintaining them and a hard time not avoiding them, difficulty with emotional regulations, a lot of anger, constant hopelessness, distrust... if you google it you&#039;ll find more.As for my severity of &quot;disorder&quot; or &quot;illness,&quot; like I said above, it&#039;s been hard for me to gauge; I grew up in the environment that spawned my trauma and so it&#039;s all I know. I may have been a little happier when I was really young, but a lot of things started to become damaging between the ages of 6 and 9 and got real bad for me around 10/11. At the same time, every therapist I&#039;ve had has said that I am &quot;high functioning,&quot; with my longest standing therapist having said that I was her toughest client and that she didn&#039;t know how I kept going without meds because of severity.I grew up very confused and regularly broken down. Here&#039;s an example that I may have shared before: When I was maybe 8, a friend and I were at the park playing basketball. Another friend&#039;s sisters ended up at the park. I don&#039;t remember exactly why, but they started picking on me and ended up beating me up while my friend ran and hid. I pretty much just let it happen, I didn&#039;t try to defend myself. Why? Because my father had regularly said &quot;never hit a girl under any circumstances.&quot; He was often literal, something I noticed even at that early age, I realized that I was in a circumstance, and so chose not to hit them back. I was more afraid of him than these girls. I come home with a black eye, busted lip, and bruises, and naturally my father asks me what happened. I told him that so-and-so&#039;s sisters beat me up. So he goes to the apartment complex next door, speaks with their father (who he had gone to high school with) and comes back home. When he comes home he tells me, &quot;if you ever let a girl beat you up again, I&#039;ll kick your ass.&quot; He had a saying, &quot;do only what you know is right,&quot; which is hard to abide by when he doesn&#039;t help to understand with any amalgam of consistency what that is. He also didn&#039;t practice what he preached.@[USER=64806]🌺🔥🫧[/USER] Thank you for sharing your story and words of hope. Something I don&#039;t have much of. Psychedelics are a regular ally in these matters.One love</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Voidmatrix, post: 3941513, member: 5"] Complex PTSD, or dissociative PTSD in the U.S. has all of the traits of regular PTSD and then a plethora of others. I'm a kind of always on edge, and sometimes, especially when stressed, it shows up more times than others (such as today during my role-playing game when I just bailed because I felt one of the other players couldn't have a productive conversation, so I just bounced). I had to be on guard mentally and physically growing up, and even being in that state, it never really felt like it helped me much because I would often find myself in lose/lose situations. Such is the game and pattern when dealing with someone who is irrational and will always force situations in a manner that always makes them "right." Other symptoms include relationship issues, such as establishing and maintaining them and a hard time not avoiding them, difficulty with emotional regulations, a lot of anger, constant hopelessness, distrust... if you google it you'll find more. As for my severity of "disorder" or "illness," like I said above, it's been hard for me to gauge; I grew up in the environment that spawned my trauma and so it's all I know. I may have been a little happier when I was really young, but a lot of things started to become damaging between the ages of 6 and 9 and got real bad for me around 10/11. At the same time, every therapist I've had has said that I am "high functioning," with my longest standing therapist having said that I was her toughest client and that she didn't know how I kept going without meds because of severity. I grew up very confused and regularly broken down. Here's an example that I may have shared before: When I was maybe 8, a friend and I were at the park playing basketball. Another friend's sisters ended up at the park. I don't remember exactly why, but they started picking on me and ended up beating me up while my friend ran and hid. I pretty much just let it happen, I didn't try to defend myself. Why? Because my father had regularly said "never hit a girl under any circumstances." He was often literal, something I noticed even at that early age, I realized that I was in a [I]circumstance[/I], and so chose not to hit them back. I was more afraid of him than these girls. I come home with a black eye, busted lip, and bruises, and naturally my father asks me what happened. I told him that so-and-so's sisters beat me up. So he goes to the apartment complex next door, speaks with their father (who he had gone to high school with) and comes back home. When he comes home he tells me, "if you ever let a girl beat you up again, [I]I'll[/I] kick your ass." He had a saying, "do only what you know is right," which is hard to abide by when he doesn't help to understand with any amalgam of consistency what that is. He also didn't practice what he preached. @[USER=64806]🌺🔥🫧[/USER] Thank you for sharing your story and words of hope. Something I don't have much of. Psychedelics are a regular ally in these matters. One love [/QUOTE]