Yesterday was a sad day. A day of loss. A day to begin grieving.
A dear dear friend of mine, for about a decade, passed away yesterday as a result of self-detoxing from alcohol addiction...
I had seen him the day before, so naturally there is some self blame that is occurring... but I had to set that all aside in order to contact him in the nether.
He was such a good man, with a literal heart of gold. And at the very least he went out fighting. That's what he would've wanted. He also left us with his own autonomy, as he really didn't want help this time around since he had relapsed over and over partly due to feeling like he was being controlled in order to get help.
I will miss you dearly brother. I'm proud of you. And you will always have my love and a very dear and deep special place in my heart.
I told a friend about it, and she suggested that I hold ceremony for him, as a way to see if his soul needed any assistance making it through to "the other side," and to say goodbye. It was also an act of closure and recompense.
Coming out of a state of paralysis, I stood up to meditate and in doing so the decision to hold this ceremony for him sooner rather than later, despite my roiling emotions. That is the medicine way.
Prepping the space, turning on my nebula lights, getting a body flow in, grabbing the pipe and the jar, I sat at the altar. Upon doing so, my intuition urged me to turn the lights off, as this was a type of death ceremony and the only light needed was the single tea light on the altar.
Now you all know how I am a skeptical person and don't really affirm or deny much. In order for me to have these kinds of experiences it's imperative that I open myself in a way that allows for a different phenomenology of experience. This is one reason I say that I walk between worlds. If I can adopt a given idea or paradigm enough, I can be embedded in it to have experiences ostensibly derived from it.
Focused, attentive, dialed, breathing deep, deep, deep, I called for him. Putting aside my guilt, hurt, loss, fear, I attuned my mind, body, and being to him and his journey. Pouring out love in all directions, in all dimensions, with vectors primed looking specifically for him, I repeated, "I'm here, I'm here."
As loving as ever, I felt/heard, "brother!"
I made contact.
I told him I was sorry. Sorry that I didn't do more. Sorry that I let him down. He told me not to be. That me being the last person that he saw was what he needed... it's as though that's what was meant when he said he needed me the day before when I went to go visit him and help take care of him.
I told him that I was there to help him through to the other side, asking what more I could for him on his new journey. He told me that he just needed me to continue to pour out loving energy as fuel to push him through the plane that he was on.
I really felt his presence as I did when he was alive in this experience. But I wasn't "with" him quite yet.
He told me that he wanted me to continue being strong. Being the person that he loved. To love myself. To be confident. And to keep striving. To take better care of myself... It was more than that because we actually knew/know each other, but you know how it is trying to transcribe telepathic communication.
The changa bowl and jar were present in case I felt I needed help getting in touch with him. Appropriate medicines considering the associations it has with death and dying.
He seemed to be aware that they were present and wanted me to smoalk it for him. In his name. I had turned him on to changa a few years ago, and while it was a challenge for him, he loved it nevertheless. I was honored to smoalk this bowl for him and in his honor.
He told me to "turn those cool ass lights back on," so I did.
Committing. Surrendering. I took my first hit. Then listening to his push I kept going until he asked for just one more. We were in.
It wasn't very visual. It was more of a telepathic connection.
Until I saw an opening. I went into it. It was a portal that was like a cave and it mainly had a downward trajectory. Moving through the space became harder and harder. But I was determined to find my friend.
It was dark.
It was cold.
It was dour.
But it wasn't all bad.
Upon breaking through a threshold, my body convulsed as I squeezed through into another side. It was as if it was the first layer of the first level of moving "beyond."
In this decaying place, I peacefully spent time with him, waiting amongst other souls for the next stage. While uncomfortable and draining, I wanted to be there with him.
Soon, I had to make my way back, medicine's orders. I told him that I would try to visit him again. While I moved away from that space, and was no longer with him, I could still feel him as I rode the landing of the journey.
I love you man. I hope you find the peace that you need. And even now, still, I am here for you. I will always remember you.
One love
A dear dear friend of mine, for about a decade, passed away yesterday as a result of self-detoxing from alcohol addiction...
I had seen him the day before, so naturally there is some self blame that is occurring... but I had to set that all aside in order to contact him in the nether.
He was such a good man, with a literal heart of gold. And at the very least he went out fighting. That's what he would've wanted. He also left us with his own autonomy, as he really didn't want help this time around since he had relapsed over and over partly due to feeling like he was being controlled in order to get help.
I will miss you dearly brother. I'm proud of you. And you will always have my love and a very dear and deep special place in my heart.
I told a friend about it, and she suggested that I hold ceremony for him, as a way to see if his soul needed any assistance making it through to "the other side," and to say goodbye. It was also an act of closure and recompense.
Coming out of a state of paralysis, I stood up to meditate and in doing so the decision to hold this ceremony for him sooner rather than later, despite my roiling emotions. That is the medicine way.
Prepping the space, turning on my nebula lights, getting a body flow in, grabbing the pipe and the jar, I sat at the altar. Upon doing so, my intuition urged me to turn the lights off, as this was a type of death ceremony and the only light needed was the single tea light on the altar.
Now you all know how I am a skeptical person and don't really affirm or deny much. In order for me to have these kinds of experiences it's imperative that I open myself in a way that allows for a different phenomenology of experience. This is one reason I say that I walk between worlds. If I can adopt a given idea or paradigm enough, I can be embedded in it to have experiences ostensibly derived from it.
Focused, attentive, dialed, breathing deep, deep, deep, I called for him. Putting aside my guilt, hurt, loss, fear, I attuned my mind, body, and being to him and his journey. Pouring out love in all directions, in all dimensions, with vectors primed looking specifically for him, I repeated, "I'm here, I'm here."
As loving as ever, I felt/heard, "brother!"
I made contact.
I told him I was sorry. Sorry that I didn't do more. Sorry that I let him down. He told me not to be. That me being the last person that he saw was what he needed... it's as though that's what was meant when he said he needed me the day before when I went to go visit him and help take care of him.
I told him that I was there to help him through to the other side, asking what more I could for him on his new journey. He told me that he just needed me to continue to pour out loving energy as fuel to push him through the plane that he was on.
I really felt his presence as I did when he was alive in this experience. But I wasn't "with" him quite yet.
He told me that he wanted me to continue being strong. Being the person that he loved. To love myself. To be confident. And to keep striving. To take better care of myself... It was more than that because we actually knew/know each other, but you know how it is trying to transcribe telepathic communication.
The changa bowl and jar were present in case I felt I needed help getting in touch with him. Appropriate medicines considering the associations it has with death and dying.
He seemed to be aware that they were present and wanted me to smoalk it for him. In his name. I had turned him on to changa a few years ago, and while it was a challenge for him, he loved it nevertheless. I was honored to smoalk this bowl for him and in his honor.
He told me to "turn those cool ass lights back on," so I did.
Committing. Surrendering. I took my first hit. Then listening to his push I kept going until he asked for just one more. We were in.
It wasn't very visual. It was more of a telepathic connection.
Until I saw an opening. I went into it. It was a portal that was like a cave and it mainly had a downward trajectory. Moving through the space became harder and harder. But I was determined to find my friend.
It was dark.
It was cold.
It was dour.
But it wasn't all bad.
Upon breaking through a threshold, my body convulsed as I squeezed through into another side. It was as if it was the first layer of the first level of moving "beyond."
In this decaying place, I peacefully spent time with him, waiting amongst other souls for the next stage. While uncomfortable and draining, I wanted to be there with him.
Soon, I had to make my way back, medicine's orders. I told him that I would try to visit him again. While I moved away from that space, and was no longer with him, I could still feel him as I rode the landing of the journey.
I love you man. I hope you find the peace that you need. And even now, still, I am here for you. I will always remember you.
One love
