Hi all.
Brand new to this, swim has mermosa but not sure how to go about nor have anything else yet, but will read. I will be trying to copy an experience story from joedirt I read here...
Maybe if others see my reason they can help me? I have also read of negative journeys, so the mindset, setting or other factors, the mix, are all things I will have to over come to get to where joe did. Anyway, this is a desperate journey for me and here is my reason.
I was always religious, grew up catholic, didn't always agree with what was said, or the hypocrisy i thought I saw, never did get confirmed. That happens at around 13, so I was already out by then. I had this burning desire to be a good, well no, a great person. To solve people's problems, be intelligent respected, all together a complete and helpful wise and caring person in my mind. But I was a rebel. I was always arguing and fighting with authority, getting in trouble, sometimes serious. People thought I was somehow a punk or dangerous, but inside I was always weak and wanted things to be right. I just started trouble, I couldn't seem to help it. I always knew I'd get over it, and make peace with everyone and it would make sense to me and everyone. Well, graduating high school, I always knew I would be in a great college. I was not, I was in deep shit. So what I knew in my heart was false. Not only was I not going to college, my grades were terrible. I was in trouble with the law and looking at jail time. I wanted to die. I looked at myself lying in my bed late at night and raged. I wanted to be good and loving and I wasn't. I wanted to fit in and help people and I didn't. I needed help and there was none.
I always believed with all my heart there was a god. I thought I knew better and that he was not where they went every sunday, they were hypocrites. I got mad, real mad. I didn't scream out, but laying there I raged. It was all the fury i could muster. I hated the world, this life, the injustice. How could someone want to be good and fall apart like this. I hated God. With all my body mind and spirit I cried out silently to God. Who I knew in my heart, and always knew, was there. I told God I hated him, I hated his world and that I wanted to fight him. I explained to God in my seething rage, that I knew I was nothing and he would flick me away, but he would know I fought back, that was still my victory, mine, and I didn't care. I paused for a second, then it hit me.
It hit me from all around me and inside me, like a blanket or warmth. It was pure love, infinity of love. The feeling was indescribable, there was no judgment or instruction or anything, just pure love. Coupled with it was an emotional feeling of jealousy. I felt it crying out to me "you are mine" I gasped for air, immediately wept. All I could mumble was I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't know, I'm sorry. And it was gone.
That was over 15 years ago, and i have not been able to find my love again. I honestly don't know what religion is correct, even if it is a he or a she. Or neither. I do know when some religions are incorrect, from what I was shown. That is not a help. I have read gnostics who have experiences, gnostic means they no longer believe, they as I do, now know. From some sort of shift in consciousness. They have many different beliefs from their experiences, but one thread that rings true with all of them is this... you need to be ready for when it happens. I was not.
I asked no question, I don't know what to do, but I must do something. I still suffer in this world very much, and I can not bring myself to like it or fit in, I hate it. I try to get along, but see injustice everywhere, I am too weak to do anything, immobilized by weakness in body mind and spirit to do anything, so i have great shame. Everything I think well.. this should happen or if we change this it could be a better place, it seems lacking, I anyway I am impotent to effect and change. I remember recently looking at ducks swimming in the bay. I thought ok.. this is beautiful, i watched them swim and watched the little waves. I saw fish underneath them swimming. The ducks turned and attacked the fish and sand digging out snails and devouring them. Disgusting, and brought me to think we all devour and kill to live here. I am sickened by the whole system. And why can I can not find my love. After that encounter 15 years ago, it is all I think about, returning. Everyday, everything in life, must agree with that encounter, and it never ever does. It was a heavily kiss and I am lost and in misery without it. I want nothing here anymore, it is vile. I want my love, I beg in prayer, and I get nothing. I read every obscure religious text and I can not return.
There are some I have found that have had this experience, the ecstasy of St Teresa and John of the cross, who wrote a beautiful and sad poem of falling in love, being touched and the pain of not being able to find his love again. Pure agony, indescribable agony. To have been kissed and left. The only thought, is what a hideous wretch I am, why can I not find my love. I do not care who my love is, I will do anything, and yet nothing works. I feel as if I am in the matrix, and this a disgusting prison, enticing me with false beauty. It may seem beautiful but it is not, and the true beauty is hidden from me. I can not tell if my love is not strong enough to break through the walls or if I am my own prisoner.
I do know this. My shame is included in my experience. All I did was say how sorry I was and beg for forgiveness, looking back, this was gross, I wish with all my heart, I would have said I love you too, and of course who are you.
So anyway, I can't get back, I'm lost and yet as well as reading some people from religious texts who have this experience, there are others, and they are here. Teresa and John are gone, you are not. I read too some of your travelers who have had similar encounters. We may have very different views on religion and the world. In the one referenced above is nothing about a bad world, but a good one. But the rest sounds familiar to me. I need to know more. I read about bad experiences too. I am willing to risk it. This journey is everything to me, I wish it could have come through mediation or prayer or some other way. But I will do what it takes. If anyone could help, I am very worried about a few things.
1) Not being able to remember, does anyone talk to a recorder? or is that not possible?
2) Navigating, if it is a quick and furious 5 mins, how do you get to where you need to go.
3) Bad entities, in my heart I feel I am being lied to and hidden from the truth, so I have an expectation, hopefully not self fulfilling, that I will be tricked or pestered or frightened away. Any advice here?
A very long post. If anyone takes the time to read, thank you so much. I respect you more than you will know. You are the Indiana Jones of our time. I hope you find treasure.
Brand new to this, swim has mermosa but not sure how to go about nor have anything else yet, but will read. I will be trying to copy an experience story from joedirt I read here...
Maybe if others see my reason they can help me? I have also read of negative journeys, so the mindset, setting or other factors, the mix, are all things I will have to over come to get to where joe did. Anyway, this is a desperate journey for me and here is my reason.
I was always religious, grew up catholic, didn't always agree with what was said, or the hypocrisy i thought I saw, never did get confirmed. That happens at around 13, so I was already out by then. I had this burning desire to be a good, well no, a great person. To solve people's problems, be intelligent respected, all together a complete and helpful wise and caring person in my mind. But I was a rebel. I was always arguing and fighting with authority, getting in trouble, sometimes serious. People thought I was somehow a punk or dangerous, but inside I was always weak and wanted things to be right. I just started trouble, I couldn't seem to help it. I always knew I'd get over it, and make peace with everyone and it would make sense to me and everyone. Well, graduating high school, I always knew I would be in a great college. I was not, I was in deep shit. So what I knew in my heart was false. Not only was I not going to college, my grades were terrible. I was in trouble with the law and looking at jail time. I wanted to die. I looked at myself lying in my bed late at night and raged. I wanted to be good and loving and I wasn't. I wanted to fit in and help people and I didn't. I needed help and there was none.
I always believed with all my heart there was a god. I thought I knew better and that he was not where they went every sunday, they were hypocrites. I got mad, real mad. I didn't scream out, but laying there I raged. It was all the fury i could muster. I hated the world, this life, the injustice. How could someone want to be good and fall apart like this. I hated God. With all my body mind and spirit I cried out silently to God. Who I knew in my heart, and always knew, was there. I told God I hated him, I hated his world and that I wanted to fight him. I explained to God in my seething rage, that I knew I was nothing and he would flick me away, but he would know I fought back, that was still my victory, mine, and I didn't care. I paused for a second, then it hit me.
It hit me from all around me and inside me, like a blanket or warmth. It was pure love, infinity of love. The feeling was indescribable, there was no judgment or instruction or anything, just pure love. Coupled with it was an emotional feeling of jealousy. I felt it crying out to me "you are mine" I gasped for air, immediately wept. All I could mumble was I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't know, I'm sorry. And it was gone.
That was over 15 years ago, and i have not been able to find my love again. I honestly don't know what religion is correct, even if it is a he or a she. Or neither. I do know when some religions are incorrect, from what I was shown. That is not a help. I have read gnostics who have experiences, gnostic means they no longer believe, they as I do, now know. From some sort of shift in consciousness. They have many different beliefs from their experiences, but one thread that rings true with all of them is this... you need to be ready for when it happens. I was not.
I asked no question, I don't know what to do, but I must do something. I still suffer in this world very much, and I can not bring myself to like it or fit in, I hate it. I try to get along, but see injustice everywhere, I am too weak to do anything, immobilized by weakness in body mind and spirit to do anything, so i have great shame. Everything I think well.. this should happen or if we change this it could be a better place, it seems lacking, I anyway I am impotent to effect and change. I remember recently looking at ducks swimming in the bay. I thought ok.. this is beautiful, i watched them swim and watched the little waves. I saw fish underneath them swimming. The ducks turned and attacked the fish and sand digging out snails and devouring them. Disgusting, and brought me to think we all devour and kill to live here. I am sickened by the whole system. And why can I can not find my love. After that encounter 15 years ago, it is all I think about, returning. Everyday, everything in life, must agree with that encounter, and it never ever does. It was a heavily kiss and I am lost and in misery without it. I want nothing here anymore, it is vile. I want my love, I beg in prayer, and I get nothing. I read every obscure religious text and I can not return.
There are some I have found that have had this experience, the ecstasy of St Teresa and John of the cross, who wrote a beautiful and sad poem of falling in love, being touched and the pain of not being able to find his love again. Pure agony, indescribable agony. To have been kissed and left. The only thought, is what a hideous wretch I am, why can I not find my love. I do not care who my love is, I will do anything, and yet nothing works. I feel as if I am in the matrix, and this a disgusting prison, enticing me with false beauty. It may seem beautiful but it is not, and the true beauty is hidden from me. I can not tell if my love is not strong enough to break through the walls or if I am my own prisoner.
I do know this. My shame is included in my experience. All I did was say how sorry I was and beg for forgiveness, looking back, this was gross, I wish with all my heart, I would have said I love you too, and of course who are you.
So anyway, I can't get back, I'm lost and yet as well as reading some people from religious texts who have this experience, there are others, and they are here. Teresa and John are gone, you are not. I read too some of your travelers who have had similar encounters. We may have very different views on religion and the world. In the one referenced above is nothing about a bad world, but a good one. But the rest sounds familiar to me. I need to know more. I read about bad experiences too. I am willing to risk it. This journey is everything to me, I wish it could have come through mediation or prayer or some other way. But I will do what it takes. If anyone could help, I am very worried about a few things.
1) Not being able to remember, does anyone talk to a recorder? or is that not possible?
2) Navigating, if it is a quick and furious 5 mins, how do you get to where you need to go.
3) Bad entities, in my heart I feel I am being lied to and hidden from the truth, so I have an expectation, hopefully not self fulfilling, that I will be tricked or pestered or frightened away. Any advice here?
A very long post. If anyone takes the time to read, thank you so much. I respect you more than you will know. You are the Indiana Jones of our time. I hope you find treasure.
