Two weeks ago I mixed 50g of fresh cubes and 17g of whole nutmeg.
Nutmeg was taken first ant on T+3:30 I took 50g of fresh mushrooms (z-strain again).
First it was very exciting and euphoric. I was looking on my wallpaper and it has symmetric pattern, and was that feeling of wall being WAY BIGGER then it is and covering all my field of view. I was so happe smiling and excited just looking on it, because vision cleared up, I started too se with my peripheral vision aswell. Everything was just slightly glowing, not many true visuals yet.
So I sat down if front of computer, put my headphones, tured on calming music and turned on this screensaver. Safe, in my room, with calming music, what could probably go wrong?
Sorry for my language but soon I understood I'm getting really fucked up. REALLY. FUCKED. UP.
I saw patterns in the movement of grass and it started to repeat wierdly, but I didn't care. I was anxious for no reason. I turned it off, put off my headphones and looked around, nothing really changed except feeling everything is getting different very fast. I was feeling like I was tied to a rocked and it's engine just started. Fear of the uknown, of something I can see that can break me, that it can be too much, that this mix is very less known. Surfaces started to blink black and white like a bugged texture in videogame. I got paranoid af at this point, so I went to a kitchen to make a tea and eat some cookies. Then first visuals came (and they vere fantastic) but I didn't care about them. I was trying to convince myself that I will be okay, that this is just my ego trying to fight back, that I have to let it go. But there was no way to let it go. Close my eyes and relax, surrender to this feeling of the i-dont-know-how-to-call-it didn't take the fear away, I can only not make it worse and that's what I did. I started to feel (well actaully I repeated this in my head) "I'm disappearing, I'm disappearing, fuck". No methods of trying to calm down or rationalize didn't help. Unless suddenly, by itself DING - and everything was okay. Literally in one moment for no reason I realised there is nothing to afraid.
Visuals vere FANTASTIC. They were not just color show, actually color didn't change too much. It was the image itself - it was perfectly geometric. It's like room was covered in a curved volumetric grid and every object was tend to fill cell in this perfect grid. Since that moment my thoughs almost shut down and my memory is hazy. I went back into my room, jumped under the blanket and started to look around. All field of view was covered in a big transparent fractal and every object was uhhm aligning to this fractal. Like no fractals popped out of nowhere, everything was a fractal. There were a lot of visuals which are hard to describe for me in english and even harder to replicate. But they all were based on something that was already there, and they were all about geometry, recursions and of course fractals. I started to freak out slightly again, visuals by themselves almost pressured on me, like those fractals were displacing something that was left from me. But further looking on my wallpaper pattern forming binary tree (where every next branch is twice shorter) it started to seem so natural. Like I was really tripping balls but this state started to seem hospitable? Comfort? REAL? Idk, but what I know now that if mushrooms want to scare you, they will do this and there is nothing you can do but wait they will give you a hug.
Further to visual description. I had texutre repetition a lot, but this piece of texture was repeating always in a fractal manner. Cracks on my ceiling formed another binary tree. I also started to see there a lot of dots and then there were more dots and they formed a spirals, like galaxy spirals but black. Wooden texture of my wardrobe started to form fantastic towers which soon became volumetric. Dirt spots lower on my wardrobe started to form wolf faces. Soon everything was covered like in fluorescent paint art. Textures could just de-attach from the surface and cover all field of view transforming into something. Long story short everything was ordered, nothing could be random and chaotic. And everything that was (or seemed?) chaotic sober looked ordered.
Closed eyes visuals were not so easy to achieve. Not like I close my eyes and instantly see them. First what I saw with closed eyes were just stains but of course geometrically perfect, more concentration and they move, become volumetric and even not absctract. Like a dot after looking to the lamp started to repeat itself, then turned to a glowing sphere in a centre on vision and then turned to a disco ball. But overall closed eyes geometry was the most beautiful and hard to replicate. I saw a lot replications of OEV which are KINDa similar, but CEV's were way more complex. They holographic, very delicate and intricate, not just generic spinning kaleidoscopes. Like I saw red dots which started to swarm and when there were too many of they they formed green rectangle and it was wawing and in some parts dissolving into those dots and they they go back. Ugh... So sad but I barely remember CEV's except they were amazing.
My headspace is another story. Almost no thoghts. They were just shut up, I didn't think much, it was hard to think and there was no point in thinking. Sometimes there were moments of silence. It's like I started to hear silence and this silence was so silent it was almost ringing in ears. Also my understanding of all thing is world turned down to base abstractions. Like you think about car, think about specific car, details, but for me it was just "car" or even "vehicle". And everything was labeled by some basic abstractions like "me", "friend", "home", "pet" and couldn't go any further. I also didn't feel my body. Few times I felt how my heart was beating but this is was it. When I was under blanket not moving the image I saw and the sounds I heard were the only thing present. Closed eyes created feeling of huge empty space in front of them and that I was floating and huge void. With opened eyes image also had direction of movement and I was like moving with it. I remember how I was breathing and I felt like room was breathing together with me. Okay, you know what, I should stop... There were a lot of really interesting things also happened during the trip, but you got the point. My memory is hazy about some parts of it and I don't remember everything chronologically (even though during the trip time was linear). Let's just jump to conclusions...
Aaaand, I don't have them. It was very hard, devastating, beautiful, breathtaking experience and it's not like I... Got something from it? Day after a trip I felt like ordinary things were alien for me, and I was just playing my role (which I probably don't even like), but it's gone soon. I was afraid of darkness few days, but it's also gone. I tried to catch at least something usefull and lifechanging from it and integrate it, but there is just nothing integrate. I was chewed into fractal meatgrinder, my personality was turned into dust, then I was roughly reassembled from dust and this is still 100% me. Now I'm thinking maybe everything is actaully beautiful as pointless.
I learned more thing about mushrooms which are:
0.Don't mix it with nutmeg! (It was fun, but only once, srsly)
1.Comeup anxiety is real
2.You don't have to afraid if there is no "you"
3.If trip is getting really scary there is still a big chance for a positive experince.
4.If they want to scare you, they will do it, it will probably not turn you into mentally ill, though.
5.FRACTALS EVERYWHERE I SAW THE TRUTH. Jk, I understand that it was just pattern recognition system
went crazy (in a good way)
P.S. mushroom trip lasted for 5 and half hours and after that I felt sober.
Nutmeg was taken first ant on T+3:30 I took 50g of fresh mushrooms (z-strain again).
First it was very exciting and euphoric. I was looking on my wallpaper and it has symmetric pattern, and was that feeling of wall being WAY BIGGER then it is and covering all my field of view. I was so happe smiling and excited just looking on it, because vision cleared up, I started too se with my peripheral vision aswell. Everything was just slightly glowing, not many true visuals yet.
So I sat down if front of computer, put my headphones, tured on calming music and turned on this screensaver. Safe, in my room, with calming music, what could probably go wrong?
I saw patterns in the movement of grass and it started to repeat wierdly, but I didn't care. I was anxious for no reason. I turned it off, put off my headphones and looked around, nothing really changed except feeling everything is getting different very fast. I was feeling like I was tied to a rocked and it's engine just started. Fear of the uknown, of something I can see that can break me, that it can be too much, that this mix is very less known. Surfaces started to blink black and white like a bugged texture in videogame. I got paranoid af at this point, so I went to a kitchen to make a tea and eat some cookies. Then first visuals came (and they vere fantastic) but I didn't care about them. I was trying to convince myself that I will be okay, that this is just my ego trying to fight back, that I have to let it go. But there was no way to let it go. Close my eyes and relax, surrender to this feeling of the i-dont-know-how-to-call-it didn't take the fear away, I can only not make it worse and that's what I did. I started to feel (well actaully I repeated this in my head) "I'm disappearing, I'm disappearing, fuck". No methods of trying to calm down or rationalize didn't help. Unless suddenly, by itself DING - and everything was okay. Literally in one moment for no reason I realised there is nothing to afraid.
Visuals vere FANTASTIC. They were not just color show, actually color didn't change too much. It was the image itself - it was perfectly geometric. It's like room was covered in a curved volumetric grid and every object was tend to fill cell in this perfect grid. Since that moment my thoughs almost shut down and my memory is hazy. I went back into my room, jumped under the blanket and started to look around. All field of view was covered in a big transparent fractal and every object was uhhm aligning to this fractal. Like no fractals popped out of nowhere, everything was a fractal. There were a lot of visuals which are hard to describe for me in english and even harder to replicate. But they all were based on something that was already there, and they were all about geometry, recursions and of course fractals. I started to freak out slightly again, visuals by themselves almost pressured on me, like those fractals were displacing something that was left from me. But further looking on my wallpaper pattern forming binary tree (where every next branch is twice shorter) it started to seem so natural. Like I was really tripping balls but this state started to seem hospitable? Comfort? REAL? Idk, but what I know now that if mushrooms want to scare you, they will do this and there is nothing you can do but wait they will give you a hug.
Further to visual description. I had texutre repetition a lot, but this piece of texture was repeating always in a fractal manner. Cracks on my ceiling formed another binary tree. I also started to see there a lot of dots and then there were more dots and they formed a spirals, like galaxy spirals but black. Wooden texture of my wardrobe started to form fantastic towers which soon became volumetric. Dirt spots lower on my wardrobe started to form wolf faces. Soon everything was covered like in fluorescent paint art. Textures could just de-attach from the surface and cover all field of view transforming into something. Long story short everything was ordered, nothing could be random and chaotic. And everything that was (or seemed?) chaotic sober looked ordered.
Closed eyes visuals were not so easy to achieve. Not like I close my eyes and instantly see them. First what I saw with closed eyes were just stains but of course geometrically perfect, more concentration and they move, become volumetric and even not absctract. Like a dot after looking to the lamp started to repeat itself, then turned to a glowing sphere in a centre on vision and then turned to a disco ball. But overall closed eyes geometry was the most beautiful and hard to replicate. I saw a lot replications of OEV which are KINDa similar, but CEV's were way more complex. They holographic, very delicate and intricate, not just generic spinning kaleidoscopes. Like I saw red dots which started to swarm and when there were too many of they they formed green rectangle and it was wawing and in some parts dissolving into those dots and they they go back. Ugh... So sad but I barely remember CEV's except they were amazing.
My headspace is another story. Almost no thoghts. They were just shut up, I didn't think much, it was hard to think and there was no point in thinking. Sometimes there were moments of silence. It's like I started to hear silence and this silence was so silent it was almost ringing in ears. Also my understanding of all thing is world turned down to base abstractions. Like you think about car, think about specific car, details, but for me it was just "car" or even "vehicle". And everything was labeled by some basic abstractions like "me", "friend", "home", "pet" and couldn't go any further. I also didn't feel my body. Few times I felt how my heart was beating but this is was it. When I was under blanket not moving the image I saw and the sounds I heard were the only thing present. Closed eyes created feeling of huge empty space in front of them and that I was floating and huge void. With opened eyes image also had direction of movement and I was like moving with it. I remember how I was breathing and I felt like room was breathing together with me. Okay, you know what, I should stop... There were a lot of really interesting things also happened during the trip, but you got the point. My memory is hazy about some parts of it and I don't remember everything chronologically (even though during the trip time was linear). Let's just jump to conclusions...
Aaaand, I don't have them. It was very hard, devastating, beautiful, breathtaking experience and it's not like I... Got something from it? Day after a trip I felt like ordinary things were alien for me, and I was just playing my role (which I probably don't even like), but it's gone soon. I was afraid of darkness few days, but it's also gone. I tried to catch at least something usefull and lifechanging from it and integrate it, but there is just nothing integrate. I was chewed into fractal meatgrinder, my personality was turned into dust, then I was roughly reassembled from dust and this is still 100% me. Now I'm thinking maybe everything is actaully beautiful as pointless.
I learned more thing about mushrooms which are:
0.Don't mix it with nutmeg! (It was fun, but only once, srsly)
1.Comeup anxiety is real
2.You don't have to afraid if there is no "you"
3.If trip is getting really scary there is still a big chance for a positive experince.
4.If they want to scare you, they will do it, it will probably not turn you into mentally ill, though.
5.FRACTALS EVERYWHERE I SAW THE TRUTH. Jk, I understand that it was just pattern recognition system
went crazy (in a good way)
P.S. mushroom trip lasted for 5 and half hours and after that I felt sober.
).