AstralFlyer
Rising Star
I've been stalking the forums here and the introduction section. It seems I got here a bit differently than most which is a good thing as my method is usually a one way trip. (pun intended)
One thing I do share in common with many here, is that I was a avid user of drugs until it all turned poisonous and dark full of negative energy and hopeless addiction. I was no stranger to trying to elevate consciousness but I had no concept of ways to do that non-destructively for many years. Long story short, my addiction spiraled to the very bottom. I was mixing lethal cocktails of sedative hypnotics and stimulants on a nightly basis. The last night of my life was Aug 31st, 2009. I wasn't really -trying- to kill myself, I had just reached such a dark place that I was ambivalent about whether I lived or died. I had come across a great deal of both drugs and decided to try to take myself farther and I did, I "broke through" completely. Utterly. The stimulants I took had a very odd effect of keeping me conscious right up until the moment of death. It is impossible for me to articulate with words the feeling of terror when you can feel your spirit lifting away from your body. Many have described unspeakable terror in some of their journeys, I'd say times that by a 100 to 1000. I have no words. I had dialed up 911 just a few moments earlier because I knew I had gone too far.
What happened next, well, I can't tell you for certain actually even happened. None of the chemicals I was mixing were particularly hallucinogenic though so that is what even brought me to this place. The sedative hypnotics I overdosed on are profound amnesiacs so technically, I shouldn't have remembered anything at 40X the recommended dose. But I did... I felt that terror and coldness, I had overdosed. What came next, again, hallucination, maybe? For me, it doesn't really matter because it was the most profound spiritual experience I have ever had. I was in a place I can only describe as brilliant. White or bright are such weak words to use, but it more like the radiance of 1000 suns all at once. And in contrast to the utter terror I had been in a moment before my breathing stopped, I had the most overwhelming sense of peace and calm I had ever experienced. The irony of my story is, I had spent years chasing euphoria through chemicals and had felt in the past what I thought to be "closer to heaven" with chemical cocktails. Compared to what happened to me that night, those seem like a raindrop as compared to an ocean. If you can imagine that all at once everything is just "right" in all places and all times, even outside of time itself. I was "myself" my consciousness but also connected to everything else too that ever is, was, or will be. Yes, it was THAT profound. I never wanted to leave, why would you?
Then a presence there, my father who had just died not 90 days prior. I experienced him more I think, as a "face" that an entity knew I was tied with and still grieving over. Two words, "not yet". And just like that... I was gone from that place. As I was told much later the next day, the EMTs had resuscitated my lifeless body and restored my heartbeat.
That was the last day I ever mixed drugs as a hobby, over 3 years ago. But that feeling, that place... I craved it greatly and intensely. When you had been where I had been and seen what I'd seen, all this, the rest of it was like a joke to me. I remember feeling a little resentful that I was "brought back" and for a while I really just contemplated purposefully ending myself because when you have had an experience 100,000 times beyond anything you could ever know. What then, is left to do here? I started doing research about other people who had had near death experiences and eventually all that led me here.
Another odd side effect of that night was that my dreaming, which was always vivid, became lucid in the past few years. It doesn't always happen but it happens QUITE frequently and I started reading on that as well. I was conscious of my dream state initially, and then I found I could change it in real time instead of just being a passive observer. I actively worked at this and I am at the point now where I can manipulate the dream world many times. I read some methods on lucid dreaming sites about how to do this that were QUITE effective, I can change things, not always exactly as I want them but I am aware I'm there and manipulating it. I also get that sensation that many people describe here on DMT of "oh yes, I remember this one now...". I go to the same places many times, I forget them while waking but they are recurring over many years and I always have an old familiar feeling when I'm back.
I've seen people say that DMT is not 100% linked to Near Death Experience or Dreaming, but there is some anecdotal and empirical evidence I'm seeing that certainly appear to show some links.
I seek that contact outside of self in a way that doesn't require me to physically lose connection in a MOST permanent way. My ability to lucid dream frequently makes me think DMT could be a reconnect gateway of sorts.
One thing I do share in common with many here, is that I was a avid user of drugs until it all turned poisonous and dark full of negative energy and hopeless addiction. I was no stranger to trying to elevate consciousness but I had no concept of ways to do that non-destructively for many years. Long story short, my addiction spiraled to the very bottom. I was mixing lethal cocktails of sedative hypnotics and stimulants on a nightly basis. The last night of my life was Aug 31st, 2009. I wasn't really -trying- to kill myself, I had just reached such a dark place that I was ambivalent about whether I lived or died. I had come across a great deal of both drugs and decided to try to take myself farther and I did, I "broke through" completely. Utterly. The stimulants I took had a very odd effect of keeping me conscious right up until the moment of death. It is impossible for me to articulate with words the feeling of terror when you can feel your spirit lifting away from your body. Many have described unspeakable terror in some of their journeys, I'd say times that by a 100 to 1000. I have no words. I had dialed up 911 just a few moments earlier because I knew I had gone too far.
What happened next, well, I can't tell you for certain actually even happened. None of the chemicals I was mixing were particularly hallucinogenic though so that is what even brought me to this place. The sedative hypnotics I overdosed on are profound amnesiacs so technically, I shouldn't have remembered anything at 40X the recommended dose. But I did... I felt that terror and coldness, I had overdosed. What came next, again, hallucination, maybe? For me, it doesn't really matter because it was the most profound spiritual experience I have ever had. I was in a place I can only describe as brilliant. White or bright are such weak words to use, but it more like the radiance of 1000 suns all at once. And in contrast to the utter terror I had been in a moment before my breathing stopped, I had the most overwhelming sense of peace and calm I had ever experienced. The irony of my story is, I had spent years chasing euphoria through chemicals and had felt in the past what I thought to be "closer to heaven" with chemical cocktails. Compared to what happened to me that night, those seem like a raindrop as compared to an ocean. If you can imagine that all at once everything is just "right" in all places and all times, even outside of time itself. I was "myself" my consciousness but also connected to everything else too that ever is, was, or will be. Yes, it was THAT profound. I never wanted to leave, why would you?
Then a presence there, my father who had just died not 90 days prior. I experienced him more I think, as a "face" that an entity knew I was tied with and still grieving over. Two words, "not yet". And just like that... I was gone from that place. As I was told much later the next day, the EMTs had resuscitated my lifeless body and restored my heartbeat.
That was the last day I ever mixed drugs as a hobby, over 3 years ago. But that feeling, that place... I craved it greatly and intensely. When you had been where I had been and seen what I'd seen, all this, the rest of it was like a joke to me. I remember feeling a little resentful that I was "brought back" and for a while I really just contemplated purposefully ending myself because when you have had an experience 100,000 times beyond anything you could ever know. What then, is left to do here? I started doing research about other people who had had near death experiences and eventually all that led me here.
Another odd side effect of that night was that my dreaming, which was always vivid, became lucid in the past few years. It doesn't always happen but it happens QUITE frequently and I started reading on that as well. I was conscious of my dream state initially, and then I found I could change it in real time instead of just being a passive observer. I actively worked at this and I am at the point now where I can manipulate the dream world many times. I read some methods on lucid dreaming sites about how to do this that were QUITE effective, I can change things, not always exactly as I want them but I am aware I'm there and manipulating it. I also get that sensation that many people describe here on DMT of "oh yes, I remember this one now...". I go to the same places many times, I forget them while waking but they are recurring over many years and I always have an old familiar feeling when I'm back.
I've seen people say that DMT is not 100% linked to Near Death Experience or Dreaming, but there is some anecdotal and empirical evidence I'm seeing that certainly appear to show some links.
I seek that contact outside of self in a way that doesn't require me to physically lose connection in a MOST permanent way. My ability to lucid dream frequently makes me think DMT could be a reconnect gateway of sorts.
