My I share my opinion.

First, you must forsake atheism and embrace Gnosticism.

Madre Ayahuasca (dmt+maoi) is far more patient and gentle, but nonetheless it can still be very scary and painful. She will bring before you your fears and insecurities. I may feel like you are being attacked, but you are not. You are only being shown what she wants to heal in you. You must face it and embrace the pain and pass through it to the other side of peace, love and healing. It may be one of the hardest things for you to do, but you can do it. Don't run and hide  from that and lie to yourself by telling yourself that this is all in your head.

Btw, I am not a fan of smoking DMT for someone who has not had several ayahuasca experiences for a foundation.

Your experience was beautifully written. This Wednesday, I will fast for you.