Giving Birth to the Universe
Reasoning
As my actions became grayer and plainly redundant, and idiocy gained territory, I decided to reintegrate and find an accord—or perhaps answers—to several of the issues that haunted my existence. At that point, I reached a state of deeper isolation than ever: having no friends of my own, being virtually incapable of making the effort to take initiative, and maintaining meaningful contact with no more than four of my relatives.For reasons that are partly understood and partly unclear, I have regarded myself as indifferent to human contact. Until this last experience, the pretense had been emotional indifference—not just a personal characteristic, but one I viewed as a positive trait.
Objectives
My objectives were threefold:- Understanding and dealing with social and sentimental troubles.
- Examining my present and providing a map for my future.
- Improving my language skills.
Preparation
Before I proceed, I must state that I am quite skeptical. Since experimenting with psychedelics, this skepticism has only grown stronger. I feel much more at ease with evidence and reasoning than with belief or speculation.In preparation, I transformed my room into a minimalist chamber. Candles replaced fire in a way reminiscent of previous Ayahuasca experiences. A six-hour playlist of carefully selected music was queued, featuring: Terekke, Skyrim’s ambient soundtrack, The Ex Machina soundtrack, Germaine Tailleferre, Marcel Tournier, Joe Hisaishi, Mayuzumi’s Rokudan and Bach (obviously).
Additionally, a small bottle of mint oil essence was on hand to accompany the experience with its scent and to serve as a reassuring reminder that everything was going to be fine.
The Intake and Onset
At midnight, I noticed the mushrooms' goldish fragments and the characteristic blue hues of oxidation. While visually appealing, they seemed lifeless—dehydrated organic matter. After squeezing a lemon over the five-ish grams and letting it steep for five minutes, I consumed the substance. As a self-protective ritual, I silently pledged to nothing and no one in particular: “Be nice, be gentle.” To calm myself, I repeated to myself: “Tranquilo, todo está bien.”Lying on my bed, I waited for around 20 minutes. Then, anxiety and dizziness suddenly spiked. The orange light of the candles warped into abstraction, transporting me to a space that felt ancient. A voice—resembling the lyrics of a toad—emerged with a clear and startling message: “We are not for you to play; we are not lifeless.”
I tried to stand but collapsed onto the floor, pressing my palms against it. Waves of nausea overtook me, yet I couldn’t vomit. My abdomen felt trapped, gripped by the clutch of unforgiving entities. They spoke again: “You are not getting away from your deeds.”
Escaping
Unable to endure the sensation, I attempted to lie back down, but the vertigo grew unbearable. Panicked, I left my room and went to a relative’s nearby apartment, where he was conversing with a friend of his. I intruded recklessly, consumed by egoism and ignorance. Collapsing onto the sofa, I sprawled across its horizontal space, hoping for some form of absolution from my hosts (and my guests).Then came the voice of the toad again, neutral and alien: “You wanted to see; now you shall watch.” My limbs no longer felt like mine. Instead, they were controlled by some other force. The mushrooms whispered: “I am ancient and do not belong to this planet.”
Cosmic Dissolution
The experience deepened as the individuals in the living room morphed into archetypal figures. They seemed to embody the duty of aiding the birth of the universe. I saw humanity’s current leaders, perceived their antagonism, and felt the Earth weaker than ever since the last mass extinction. By this point, my sense of self had almost completely dissolved. I forgot my name and existence.The mushrooms metaphorically opened my belly, and the universe was born from within me. I was the primordial matter consuming itself to become what it had already been. The intentions of the sentinels were clear, and their smiles—fulfilled and serene—allowed the emergence of a new thread-like tale, green and pointed at its end. My tentacles became visible, and I understood my omnipotence and omnipresence.
Not only was I the universe itself, but I was also a being that traveled through worlds, purloining their water. In this vision, I asked for water repeatedly, and every time, it was given. This loop seemed infinite, as if time itself folded back and forth. A strong sense of déjà vu permeated every single corner. My sisters (actual ones which were not there) appeared as symbols: one representing unattainable beauty, the other eternal wisdom.
Slowing down and Returning
At some point, my relative, now an archetype, embodied the heartbreaks of my past. I directed harsh and rude words toward him. The fourth dimension felt physical, like a river flowing idiotic yet inevitable towards homeostasis. After countless loops of experiences, lives, and associations, the river slowed, and I stood up. My hosts looked at me with justified disapproval. Yet in my mind, they had simply forgotten that I was the universe.In truth, my behavior had been appalling. I was rude, insulting, and disruptive—an uninvited guest. My state of abstraction prevented me from seeing my actions clearly. Now, I seek redemption.
Reflections
Eventually, I returned to my room and, with astonishment, recalled my name. I repeatedly cursed in disbelief at the magnitude of what had just transpired. I struggled to process it.In the end, the mushrooms offered me a single suggestion to address all my issues: Reach out to people. The experience proved empirically that I couldn’t endure even 20 minutes of dizziness during a 5-gram trip without seeking companionship and assistance.
A Closing Thought
I don't think my experience happened as it seemed or as I remember. Instead, I interpret it as a physiological and neurological phenomenon—a reflection of the biochemical nature of a given human. Yet the cascade of information, the simplicity and clarity of the responses and axioms, and the complexity of the experience compel me to wonder. Something beyond me calls, something perhaps measurable but not less extraordinary.I surely will undergo further psychedelic experiences in the future, but not before I comprehend the background of this one and, at least, practice a fair share of the conclusions reached. Like a river, I must delay, letting water seep into deeper layers of the surrounding crust, instead of rushing aimlessly forward. Perhaps then, my nihilistic perspective will not hinder the natural drifting of my subjective bubble.
Peace.
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