Greetings

[Philomancer]

Greetings, fellow psychonauts.

Though I'm disappointed by the limitations new members have on posting, I completely understand why they're there. Having said that, I'm not sure I'm going to stick around long enough to participate on a long-term basis in this community (who knows, I might, but right now it looks unlikely). I'm really here to get some feedback on something, and I have exhausted almost all other online resources.

I recognize that this might not be the appropriate place to post what I'm about to post, and I can only hope that rigid adherence to the forum rules can, on occasion, take a back seat to compassion. I'm in a very vulnerable place right now, and am desperately reaching out for some help.

The following is a record of my experience on September 1, 2011, around 1-2am.

I decide I’m going to do DMT. Not my first time (ninth or tenth?). I feel the same butterflies I normally feel, and my gut asks me if I’m sure this is something I want to do. It is, and it isn’t. I’m asked again. I say no. I say yes. I say kind of. Then I decide it is, in spite of being unsure. Then a voice says okay, and a feminine presence comes before me and purifies me with water and then shrouds me with a kind of holiness. She then says I’m ready.

I have approximately 50 mg loaded into a pipe. I use a bic lighter. It melts and I inhale. Almost immediately it takes effect. I exhale and take another pull from the pipe, set it down, and lay down. It comes on really quickly. The visuals are what I’ve come to expect, only this time is the first time I’ve used this much. I’m bombarded with colours and visuals, but these quickly take a backstage to the revelation that hits me really, really hard: my mom sexually molested me when I was a baby. It comes in fragments of understanding. I hear a kind of sorrowful almost-yelling “she did it! She really did it! Oh god, she did it!”.

My dad told me a story a couple of years ago about when I was a year old, and coming to my mom for attention, and her pushing me away. He remembers thinking, “how could you do that to your own son?” The vision lets makes me understand that she pushed me away because she was so disgusted with herself, and with me. I hear another voice saying, “Oh Chris (not my real name), I’m so sorry. You weren’t supposed to find out this way.” The invisible face behind it is in tears. I feel sorrow and compassion wrap around me, but the DMT keeps hitting me really hard in waves.

I think, “this is just part of the trip. It didn’t really happen. I’m just high”. The voice says, “no, Chris, she really did it. She really did it.” Another wave hits like a hammer, and with it the understanding that this act shattered my entire life before it had even barely begun. My mom was sexually abused by her father, and another wave of understanding comes that she did this to me to understand her own sexual abuse. She’s spent the majority of her life sitting on the couch withdrawn and feeling sorry for herself. I wonder if this is because she never got over her own trauma, or if she’s recoiled from life from what she did to me.

I don’t want to accept this, but the experience keeps insisting it’s real. I’m also reminded of my last DMT experience where the same thing communicated to me, but I dismissed it as a drug-induced hallucination. This experience cannot be ignored anymore.

The peak starts to wane, and I’m able to see my life’s events line up in a row. It all makes sense now in light of this. I’ve gone through several diagnoses, including schizophrenia, BPD, PTSD, chronic depression, anxiety – the latter two of which have been confirmed and PTSD extremely likely though not confirmed by a medical professional, and the former two being misdiagnoses confirmed by medical professionals. I even explored an asperger’s diagnoses, but PTSD and aspergers overlap quite a bit, and PTSD is the more likely diagnosis. I see now that the diagnoses which fit can be readily explained by being sexually molested. It explains why I was an angry child, why I’ve lived with this hole inside me, why I deal with back pain, chronic headaches, why I’m an Incel (33 years old and still a virgin), why touch makes me cringe, why I go through life detached from everything. There are many more things which fit. It also explains why none of my attempts at healing have been successful, if I’ve been truly blind to this crucial event.

As I was coming out, I felt, among anger and hurt, a growing sense of peace. The anger and hurt were there, but not necessarily what I was feeling; a kind of knowing that it will be coming in the future. Peace and wholeness were what I felt the most, a kind of acceptance that finally explained everything that didn’t make sense in my life. I hear a voice say, “Your life is never going to be the same now.” I’d been searching for healing from some unknown trauma, and now the proverbial gears seemed to come together and spin collectively rather than individually.

I ask if I’m guilty of molesting someone else and if I’m repressing the memory, and the voice tells me “no”. I’m still unsure, like how can I know if this, too, is repressed. The voice remains a gentle but firm “no”.

Here's the thing. I'm not here for help with sexual abuse. Yesterday I went down to the local men's trauma centre to set up an intake appointment. I will deal with that within the proper channels. My dilemma is that I don’t know if this was a real event in my life or not. Let’s face it, going to any professional psychologist/psychiatrist and telling them I think I was sexually molested because of a vision I had while on DMT isn’t exactly a credible source (arguably).

Here’s my question for this community, and why I’m here. Are repressed memories something that comes up with DMT (or other entheogens)? Can these experiences be false memories? Is there a way I can objectively verify this experience and determine if it really happened or not?

Thank-you for your feedback, and I apologize if this is out of place.

 

[Hyperspace Fool]

Well Philomancer...

1st off, if you ever check back here to notice that someone finally got around to replying to you, welcome to the Nexus. There is so much here, that a lot of stuff gets glossed over or never seen. I only stumbled on your post due to my occasional "read a random un-responded thread" impulse.

2ndly, I don't think anyone is capable of completely or satisfactiorily answering your query.

Repressed memories, past lifetimes, alternate versions of reality... these things are all fairly common in trip reports.

Are they real? Hard to say.

Is anything real?

I am afraid that we humans are stuck in a vast and barely knowable mystery... Our CNS's are like feeble single-LED penlights trying to make out megalithic undersea cities in brief flashes.

I truly wish there was something I could say to you that might help you out.

The only thing that comes to mind is that most people could use a break from their lives. Vacations are too short, but they hint at the issue. It might be interesting to consider going somewhere you feel drawn to and just being there for a while. Emptying out on a beach in the Carribean, or just spending some time doing nothing in a beautiful place can reset things in the old chrome dome.

Our pasts don't need to haunt us. Oftentimes, just starting fresh in a better place with better intentions can work wonders. Whatever happened in the past is over and only useful as a lesson for how to live in THIS moment. I may be out of line, but I would let go of the whole molestation idea entirely, as it is A) unprovable one way or another B) irrelevant to your current issues & C) not the most valuable thing you could be focused on in terms of making yourself a more joyous and satisfied human.

If whatever I said makes any sense to you... cool. Feel free to regard it as the burbling of some deep sea creature's entrails... if it makes you feel better. Whatever you do, try to have some fun.

Peace be with you.

 

[Pandora]

Hi Philomancer,

Welcome to the Nexus. I don't think anyone here is qualified to answer your question.

I can speak for my own experiences and beliefs here. I do believe psychedelics can help retrieve repressed memories but only from a time that we can actually remember. The human brain changes completely as we grow from being a baby to a toddler.

Given that the physical architecture completely changes, I do not believe one can retain memories from babyhood. Anyone. Obviously events that happened to us during that time can be formative and teach us how to relate to the world, but I do not believe it is possible to retrieve a memory that has no physical matrix to reside within.

I HAVE successfully retrieved disturbing repressed material at age 42 from approximately age 7 using psychedelic drugs as the catalyst. It was very unpleasant and I spent much of the time moaning out loud and clutching my head. I honestly felt a psychological professional would have been helpful to me on that trip. Now age 7 is an age where most folks have intact memories, where our brain architecture is close to what it will be in adulthood, though much more growth/connections are needed.

Regardless of all this ranting, I do think it is a good idea to speak to a counselor about all of this and these feelings. No need to mention a DMT trip. You can say it was a dream or something similar. Clearly there are themes of childhood trauma, feelings of abuse, neglect, feelings of incomplete memory, etc. Maybe it would make sense to talk to someone about all of this.

Welcome to the Nexus. There is much to be found here. Hope you'll take some time to look around. I sincerely hope you find some answers and some peace in your quest.

 

[Serenity]

Firstly Philomancer, you are very welcome here at the Nexus. Secondly, I really feel for what you recounted. I won't go into detail, but you and I come from a similar past in the sense you explained it. A few thoughts...

Our pasts don't need to haunt us. Oftentimes, just starting fresh in a better place with better intentions can work wonders. Whatever happened in the past is over and only useful as a lesson for how to live in THIS moment. I may be out of line, but I would let go of the whole molestation idea entirely, as it is A) unprovable one way or another B) irrelevant to your current issues & C) not the most valuable thing you could be focused on in terms of making yourself a more joyous and satisfied human.

It took me a long time to actually accept this as truth. Modern western society would have us think intense treatment administered with dedicated assistance of a therapist and such is the way to go, and it was the way I went for the first 10 years of my struggling with anxiety/depression/repressed memories&emotions/PTSD. I think it has it's uses, especially if you can find the right person to counsel you. However, all my learning/growing didn't begin until I started putting all of my effort into growing and understanding myself. I took it into my own hands. I began using mushrooms, researching unorthodox healing methods, and learning how to heal myself. This is when my life changed COMPLETELY, and I was no longer "feeling" the weight of the past. While it can be beneficial to understand how the past shapes us, even in specific situations, in my HONEST experience, the majority of understanding past trauma is mostly irrelevant.

I sometimes reflect on here and with other friends who help me understand from different perspectives, but I believe strongly (in my experience) that you can do for yourself whatever good health insurance and therapists can do for you. You just have to want it, which it seems you do. With that said, we're all different and I'm only speaking from experience. You're welcome to PM me and ask about specifics if you would like to quantify the validity of my viewpoint. Still, please know that existence unconditionally accepts you for who you are, and as such, you should feel free to explore all the odd and strange ways you might have avoided in the past toward healing.

Regardless of all this ranting, I do think it is a good idea to speak to a counselor about all of this and these feelings. No need to mention a DMT trip. You can say it was a dream or something similar. Clearly there are themes of childhood trauma, feelings of abuse, neglect, feelings of incomplete memory, etc. Maybe it would make sense to talk to someone about all of this.

I would strive to find a counselor you can tell the truth to, otherwise you're predisposed to the "ease" of covering things up, or at least this was my experience. This would surely lead to difficulty in progress. This is, of course, if you choose to continue down this route.

Finally, your articulation is superb and as someone who gets their jollies from articulation, I commend you, sir

Blessings

 

[Philomancer]

Hey guys, I just wanted to say thanks for the responses, and the kindness that comes with them.

Repressed memories, past lifetimes, alternate versions of reality... these things are all fairly common in trip reports.

Ahh... believe it or not, that’s the kind of answer I was looking for. It’s not that common experiences mean that the same experiences are veridical, but that I can understand that I’m not alone in having had the experience. That, I think, is more important than trying to objectively verify the experience.

Are they real? Hard to say.

Is anything real?

Ah yes, I’ve argued for years that our experiences are reconstructions of translations, and as such, what’s the difference between imaginings and external experiences if all perceptions take place in the mind?

I am afraid that we humans are stuck in a vast and barely knowable mystery... Our CNS's are like feeble single-LED penlights trying to make out megalithic undersea cities in brief flashes.

I believe William James said that consciousness is a wave, and that our brains are individual antennas picking up the frequency. Quite feeble indeed, and the fact that we mistake our puny antenna for the wave says much about the human condition. Map vs. territory and all that...

Our pasts don't need to haunt us. Oftentimes, just starting fresh in a better place with better intentions can work wonders. Whatever happened in the past is over and only useful as a lesson for how to live in THIS moment. I may be out of line, but I would let go of the whole molestation idea entirely, as it is A) unprovable one way or another B) irrelevant to your current issues & C) not the most valuable thing you could be focused on in terms of making yourself a more joyous and satisfied human.

Having spoken with several friends about my experience, this seems to be the common message. A couple of days ago a friend said something to me that really gave me a perspective on it:

A mother and her child are asked the question: imagine you are in a den of hungry lions; what do you do?

The mother is distressed, saying, “I... I don’t know what I would do.”

The child responds, “I’d stop imagining.”

This, and the other things he said has actually brought me out of the suicidal place I was in. Yesterday and today I’ve been feeling much better.

If whatever I said makes any sense to you... cool. Feel free to regard it as the burbling of some deep sea creature's entrails... if it makes you feel better. Whatever you do, try to have some fun.

Haha, one of the quotes I have on my YouTube channel is, “If you want some unique or special insight you should probably watch someone else's videos. My videos are merely the ramblings and opinions of an enlightened sponge.” Something tells me I’m in good company.

Peace be with you.

And with you.

Regardless of all this ranting, I do think it is a good idea to speak to a counselor about all of this and these feelings. No need to mention a DMT trip. You can say it was a dream or something similar. Clearly there are themes of childhood trauma, feelings of abuse, neglect, feelings of incomplete memory, etc. Maybe it would make sense to talk to someone about all of this.

Aye, in a couple of hours I will be doing my intake appointment at the trauma centre I mentioned in my original post. They deal with all kinds of trauma, and apart from the (questionable) sexual trauma, my growing up was also riddled with a lot of violence, so regardless, it’s time to face it, whatever it is, and heal.. One thing I’ve found comforting, though, is that I read somewhere that the shamanic path is necessarily violent as violence is often the mechanism which awakens the faculties for higher consciousness. This also seems to be a necessary experience for the wounded healer archetype.

I sincerely hope you find some answers and some peace in your quest.

Peace to you as well.

It took me a long time to actually accept this as truth. Modern western society would have us think intense treatment administered with dedicated assistance of a therapist and such is the way to go, and it was the way I went for the first 10 years of my struggling with anxiety/depression/repressed memories&emotions/PTSD. I think it has it's uses, especially if you can find the right person to counsel you. However, all my learning/growing didn't begin until I started putting all of my effort into growing and understanding myself. I took it into my own hands. I began using mushrooms, researching unorthodox healing methods, and learning how to heal myself. This is when my life changed COMPLETELY, and I was no longer "feeling" the weight of the past. While it can be beneficial to understand how the past shapes us, even in specific situations, in my HONEST experience, the majority of understanding past trauma is mostly irrelevant.

I sometimes reflect on here and with other friends who help me understand from different perspectives, but I believe strongly (in my experience) that you can do for yourself whatever good health insurance and therapists can do for you. You just have to want it, which it seems you do. With that said, we're all different and I'm only speaking from experience. You're welcome to PM me and ask about specifics if you would like to quantify the validity of my viewpoint. Still, please know that existence unconditionally accepts you for who you are, and as such, you should feel free to explore all the odd and strange ways you might have avoided in the past toward healing.

Those are all good points, and I largely agree with them. I think that one of the most useful benefits of having a therapist is that it creates a dialectical opposition; however, that opposition is useful only, as you have said, when someone takes responsibility for their own healing. That way, the individual (the thesis) conversing with the therapist (the antithesis) can eventually become, through the dialectical opposition, the emergent synthesis (the third point which reconciles the opposition). While its possible for an individual to be his or her own dialectical opposition, it’s much easier to have an impartial third party to fill that role.

Finally, your articulation is superb and as someone who gets their jollies from articulation, I commend you, sir

Heh, thank-you. Precise articulation is something I value a great deal.

Blessings

And to you.


Given the nature of the responses I've had here, I just might stick around. Only time will tell.