Oral Dosing:
4g Syrian Rue
100mg harmine with
100mg DMT fumarate (about 70-80mg freebase equivalent) dissolved in water
Setting: Alone on a deserted beach on a starlit, moonlit night
It has been a long time since venturing around the 100mg range for pharmahuasca. Actually, I haven’t gone that high since my first two journeys here,
Instead, I’ve been grooving on the 30-50mg range for about a year. Lots of entity contact and light shows, and astral travel at that dosage, but I realized from this recent outing that the 100mg range opens up the deepest world.. That’s the breakthrough dosage for me. It’s a level where the spirit world breaks right on through in to this world. After my first two unimaginably powerful experiences (the ones previously linked), I have basically considered the 100mg range sacred ground, off limits, untouchable unless I am willing to go in to hellish territory. I know 100mg fumarate isn’t as much as 100mg freebase, but it felt pretty strong.
I think I’ve become comfortable with the effects of the spice now that I can handle that sort of intensity dosage without completely freaking myself out about it. The result is that instead of feeling unimaginable horror, I feel unimaginable ecstasy. Where I once wished I had never been born to experience something so horrifying, I now wish for the experience to end only when I cannot take any more waves of transcendental bliss. 100mg fumarate is a good dose for me. It’s just enough to make me wonder if I might actually die of ecstasy, but knowing that I’ll probably be ok. It’s enough for the spirit world to completely break through in to this world, yet I can still walk around if needed, and I’m not at the total mercy of the almighty, pinning me to the floor. Any higher though, and it becomes too much. It becomes physically, and mentally, too intense. It becomes like a nightmare that seems like it will never end. And worse, time becomes dilated, or even stops so that 10 seconds seems like forever. Imagine 4 hours of that. Torture. Anyway…
The trip got off to a rocky start. I had planned this journey for a while, a good hefty night time dose, staring at the moon and stars on the beach, in the middle of the August meteor shower. But things started going wrong from the beginning. Before I dosed, I developed a bit of a headache. I almost aborted the trip, and the headache put me in a bit of a bad mood, but I decided to press forward. After dosing, I laid down in the sand. I chose a spot that was out in the open, yet my specific spot was hidden by a few trees and a small sand hill. There were some cabins a few hundred feet away, so I was sort of close to civilization, but from my vantage point, there was only wilderness and stillness in every direction.
Soon after lying down my mp3 player died. This annoyed me because I find that if I’m not listening to music, then every little sound I hear is distracting, and I’m constantly wondering if every sound is something to be concerned about. This detracts from the journey. So my mood went down again. I became angry and frustrated actually.
The forecast was calling for clear skies. But I looked up and it had clouded over. I was disappointed again. At this point I wished I had aborted the trip because it wasn’t turning out to be the setting I had envisioned. I could hear voices coming from somewhere, maybe people were walking on the beach, or someone was playing a stereo from one of the cabins. Without my headphones on, every voice bothered the heck out of me, and I was worried someone might walk in my direction, and ask me annoying questions about why I’m lying alone in the sand like a dead man. In my head, I started yelling at the people talking to shut up.
I was eventually lulled in to a dmt space, where I was contacted by some entities. They greeted me, talked to me, and gave me guidance.
They said, “why so frustrated?”
“those voices are annoying me. I can’t relax without my music.”
“It’s not really about the voices is it? The frustration you feel about the noises is the tip of the iceberg. You feel angry because you’ve been lulled in to a pattern of frustration. Let the voices be and they won’t bother you anymore.”
Lately, I’ve become a bit too attached to the outcome of certain things. Compared to years ago, before I encountered dmt, I was far more frustrated and angry. However, since dmt, I have largely changed my ways, but my sensitivity to negativity has increased, so that I’ll notice it more readily... which is a good thing because by noticing it, I can address it and put a stop to it early before it builds too high. Anyway, I could see how lately I’ve been viewing the world from a somewhat segregated perspective. Basically, I was believing I had too much power over the world. The entities showed me that I have virtually no power over myself or the world. The only power I have is how I respond to whatever arises. The entities said, “respond with love and acceptance. That’s all. That’s the one and only test there is. There is absolutely nothing else to life but how much you can accept and love. All the rest is just noise, just a game. Don’t get too attached to the games, or you’ll destroy yourself with your own frustration. Eventually, everyone loses everything, so don't be too shocked if it hits you. The only test is of your spirit..... and the trenches of the spiritual warfare are often fought in the mundane parts of life, the little annoyances, such as hearing annoying voices, or not getting the right weather. How your spirit responds to such things is often gives a clue to how you are viewing the world in general. It's easy to let your spirit free on dmt, but let it free as well when you're in the trenches at work, staring at the four walls with nowhere to go and nothing to do but mundane, hard work.”
But I haven’t always been positive thinking at various points in life. At times, my general way of thinking has been, “I have to do this or that or else everything will fall apart. If I don’t do something, if I don’t prove my worthiness in some way, then everything is going to hell, my life will be hell and then life won’t be good, I will fall apart, people will think I’m weak, I’ll be an outcast. Or, if I don’t do something, then people will take over everything with their own dumb ideas, and enslave others for their own power. I have to fight others. There are bad people out there that I have to resist. The only reason I live is to stop crappy things from happening in the world.” This attitude is one of grim determination. It is impatient, uncompromising, stressful, energy draining. Basically, it focuses all attention on worldly outcome, while entirely neglecting “spirit”, or inner consciousness. The entities made it clear that inner consciousness is really all that matters. If your soul has love, then what happens in the outer world is largely inconsequential. But if you cut your soul off from, then your experience of the world will feel very vulnerable, constricted, fearful, and you’ll spare no expense, and there’s nothing you won’t do to others to preserve worldly gains, be it material things, or physical well being.
I’m not saying to ignore the physical world or health, just that if the outer world is your only concern, you will never really be happy, you life will never really be filled with love. On the other hand, if your soul is cared for, but you lose on the physical realm, you are a triumph beyond measure. The universe could not ask more of you. It only wants love. It knows no other joy.
As I looked up at the sky, it was as if the world became not an outside phenomenon, but as if the world and I were one thing. Or rather, it wasn’t me looking out at the world anymore, but the whole world was watching me! These “entities”, whatever they are, showed me that the world is a projection, and I am projection. The world doesn’t really exist as it seems. I was placed here as an ignorant child, free to live life as I please in this physical plane. The idea was that I remain ignorant of my spiritual nature just to see how my life would turn out, just to see how I would handle it. But somewhere along the way, I botched things up, I became angry, bitter, lonely and hateful. I was shown moments in my life and how I screwed them up. I was taken back to key moments in life that I feel went wrong. The scene was replayed and the entities stopped each scene at the point where it went wrong.
They said, “you see, that’s the exact spot where you went wrong. The point where you became angry, judgmental, and took it personally. After that point, regardless of the outcome, you already lost. You ‘failed’, so to speak, you sinned. And your failure followed you for years to come. You carried the resentment with you, and it affected in every way. It affected every interaction with people, it affected your mindset, your motivation, it affected your physical body. It made you feel depressed, and lonely, and those feelings only increased over time. Your failure made you hate the world and yourself. In those moments where you went wrong, if only you were open, if only there was some love in your heart, you would not have failed regardless of the outcome. From that point on, you would have been open to learning, receptive, positive thinking, loving towards yourself and others. You would not have be so afraid of failure. But instead you chose extreme protectionism and lived a life of fear and sadness over your own shortcomings.”
I closed my eyes and was treated to a glorious light show. Firecracker hearts were exploding all over the place, as the entities said, “this is what we want. We want love, not hate and fear. This is what you are capable of, and this is the potential reward.” I was quite compelled to listen to this message, as only a super intelligence could put on such a fantastic display. “how can my own mind possibly see something so beautiful? This is beyond beautiful, this is impossible. My mind is doing this? Wow….. oh wow, oh my God wow”. I marvelled at the beauty as the intensity built and built, compounding itself. Before I was finished being completely astounded by the beauty of one vision, another vision of even greater beauty would pop up, leaving me repeating, “wow…. oh my God wow, thank you! oh my God.”
The entities were showing me moments not from my recent life, but events from far in the past that have shaped my life to where it really began when I started taking dmt. That was the point at which I really started living a new life, much more dedicated to goodness. But I guess I wasn’t completely over the old life because the entities were showing me the impact that the old life has had, and there was still some healing that needed to be done. This journey was like my healing session, as the spirits guided me through it.
I was told that my life was supposed to be a good life, but somewhere along the lines I lost my way, and this made the universe sad. I was told that I have failed at much of life, but there is still time to turn it around for the better. I saw visions of loving entities crying for me. They wept and said, “you were my child…. You were supposed to love, not hate. What happened to you? You were lost. I can’t stand to see you in pain anymore.” For many years I went through suicidal depression. Not a day went by where I didn’t think about killing myself.
I remember one day in particular. I felt very certain that I was going to kill myself. I had decided I was going to do it. I completely lost faith that life could ever be worth living, no matter what happened to me. For some reason though, I decided I was going to live despite seeing no reason to go on. The only thing that kept me alive was telling myself, “even though it seems that things cannot possibly get better, I will remain open to the absurd and impossible concept that some miracle might happen and I’ll want to live”. Seven years later, I discovered dmt. The entities said that I had suffered enough, they couldn’t stand to see me hurting anymore, they heard my prayers, and dmt was the answer to those prayers.
Although I have sinned greatly, there was not a sense of judgment from myself or the spirits I was communicating with. They were just sad and disappointed and they wept out of concern. I felt that judgment is part of the whole problem. Judgment is a form of hate, and thus, misses the mark. I was told to show love for others with hate in their hearts, for they are lost souls as I was. They need compassion and love as I did. There is no sin, as the world typically sees it. There is only love and those who are severed from that love, lost souls. And to show love to those lost souls should not be a burden, should not be difficult, but should be an expression of the love that exists within you. When love is authentic, it is shown because it is right, and it is easy to express. The hate in them is a shadow of the hate within you. Do not feed that hate.
One of the interesting things about ayahuasca, or pharmahuasca, is I often have a sense that my entire body is changing colors from within. I feel like I am glowing from the inside out. This time I experienced the most powerful color shift yet. My eyes were closed, and a magnificent golden God head appeared in front of me. It melded itself in to my entire body, and soon, my whole body was glowing this fantastic golden color. The glowing built to a ferocious intensity. Often times, when I’m in a journey, I am thinking about how I am going to write about the experience, and how I will describe. The words I thought of to describe this golden glow were, “it built to a ferocious intensity”. It was strong.
By this point, the real journey had not begun yet. The next point is the transition between contact and breakthrough. The golden glow became so intense it was beyond what I could handle, it built and built, and then morphed in to something else. At that point, it was simply…. beyond. As I said a second ago, I am always trying to come up with words to describe what I see, but when it built to this point, I realized I had no words to describe this incredible experience. On the inside, I was ecstatic. My mind was being shattered and I was enjoying every second. There was a happy, mocking tone on the inside, “now you’ve done it, you’ve lost your head completely. Nothing makes sense here”. In this place, thoughts themselves are absurd, there is no time, there is no anything except this indescribable, incomprehensible thing.
This is accompanied by a hollow sound, and something like a wobbly tuning fork. It felt as though my head and my soul had been completely disconnected from consensual reality, and I was spinning wildly in a timeless, spaceless place. This was the source of all sources. This is where dmt leads. This is the dmt nexus. Three is no symbol for it, there is no thought that can describe it. It is in essence, completely indescribable. But be warned, to experience such a place requires a total disorientation from consensual reality. Such a thing will be disturbing to most people. The message I received is that the heart of the universe is completely incomprehensible, it cannot be understood. It doesn’t even exist, and yet it is somehow more alive than anything that can be imagined. It is more anything than anything that could be imagined… yet it has no substance at all. I was dumbfounded by life of this thing, and its total lack of existence, and this indescribable thing became even more indescribable with every attempt to describe it, to think about it, to feel it or grasp it. I was just left there thinking, “wow…. I can’t even…. I can’t understand it….. oh my GOD!”
As my head was spinning out of control, every couple minutes, I would open my eyes and lift my head and see the sand dunes and the water, which looked completely alien, and I was shocked to see such a weird world. I was like, “what the fuck is this, this is the weirdest place yet….. oh yeah, I’m alive. Oh my God, I’m still alive. This place is so heavy and solid”. It was like being dead one moment, and then opening my eyes and a new universe manifested itself back at the point where I had left off. Another chance to live. Everything took on a transcendental quality, an impossibly beautiful quality. The sand, the trees, the sky, the little chips of wood in the sand. All of it, screaming out from the impossible beauty of infinite space.
The beautiful intensity became so much, I felt I had to open my eyes and sit up or I would burst. At this point, there was no stopping the transcendental joy from breaking through in to this world. Whether my eyes were open or closed, I couldn’t stop it. I started shaking and rocking back and forth. I was in a fully body ecstasy energy wave. My body tightened up. I felt this tightening in my abdomen and I held on to my stomach. My face was strained and tears started flowing, and what joy it was when I could feel those tears hitting the sand. So there I am, alone on a beach, lying on my side in the sand, holding my stomach, rocking back and forth and crying with a pained look on my face. It must have looked like I got shot or something, but it was not pain that I felt, but pure ecstasy.
I even had a vision that I was walking along, someone came up to me and shot me in the stomach and I knew I was going to die. Instead of lamenting over this event, I grabbed my gut and screamed, “thank you!!!! THANK YOU!!!!” as I knew I had been liberated from this corporeal existence. I said goodbye to the world, and sunk in to the earth, in to the space between space.
I looked up and the sky had cleared, and the moon was out, and the people noises were gone. I could hear nothing but the symphony of wind and chattering leaves, sand blowing, and waves breaking. I got my beautiful scene after all! Millions of stars up there, so majestic. And not a minute after opening my eyes did I start seeing shooting stars flying across the sky. I was so thankful to be viewing something so beautiful. This is what I do. This is how I give thanks to the world and to God. I lie in the dirt alone as every molecule in my body screams out THANK YOU to the stars. I do this not because I am insane, or because I am masochistic, I do this because I am happy and this is my most pure expression of it. I get down in the fabric of existence and give thanks. I travel to the spirit world each week. You won’t see me doing it because I purposely venture off to be alone. But I’m out there. See you in the nexus. My spirit name is Apoc. Hello World!
The ecstasy became so intense that it was overpowering, and I decided I was going to get up and walk around for a while to calm myself down a bit. When I lied back down, I thought the peak was over, and I was almost normalizing. But, pharmahuasca comes in waves. You go through fits, then you calm down a bit, but it builds back up again. I would get lulled back in to intense fits of severe happiness.
As I pondered the incomprehensibility of the world beyond this world, I realized that I was hallucinating. Yes, I realized that all of life is a hallucination, and I’ve been tripping balls my whole life. I closed my eyes, looked within, and could see fragments of individual memories, and building blocks of existence, all what which combine to form the single person that I perceive myself to be. But I’m not really an individual, I’m a huge nest of layers of dream stuff, and while on dmt, I could see all those layers fall apart to reveal the incomprehensible within. I started laughing on the inside at all of this. “It’s all illusion! None of it is real! There is no answer to anything! HA HA HA!!! AAAAAAAHHH!!!! HA HA HA!!” The laughter became totally maniacal, as I’m lying there smiling my ass off at the nature of my own mind. I spent the next hour or so in ecstasy, everything was wild and free and transcendentally beautiful.
I looked down at my body. It appeared to be a young body, but by this point I knew that it’s not really my body, my body is more like a vessel. I thought, “am I young or old? Am I still young enough to be considered young”. Then I thought, “what am I talking about? I am ageless.” When I said that, it was like there was a big release within. I was a free spirit roaming the earth, not young or old, but free. I got up and walked along the beach as a free traveler. Every so often, I would become entranced by a tree or the waves or something. All so beautiful. The headache was gone after dosing as well.
So in conclusion, I had a pretty good time.
4g Syrian Rue
100mg harmine with
100mg DMT fumarate (about 70-80mg freebase equivalent) dissolved in water
Setting: Alone on a deserted beach on a starlit, moonlit night
It has been a long time since venturing around the 100mg range for pharmahuasca. Actually, I haven’t gone that high since my first two journeys here,
Instead, I’ve been grooving on the 30-50mg range for about a year. Lots of entity contact and light shows, and astral travel at that dosage, but I realized from this recent outing that the 100mg range opens up the deepest world.. That’s the breakthrough dosage for me. It’s a level where the spirit world breaks right on through in to this world. After my first two unimaginably powerful experiences (the ones previously linked), I have basically considered the 100mg range sacred ground, off limits, untouchable unless I am willing to go in to hellish territory. I know 100mg fumarate isn’t as much as 100mg freebase, but it felt pretty strong.
I think I’ve become comfortable with the effects of the spice now that I can handle that sort of intensity dosage without completely freaking myself out about it. The result is that instead of feeling unimaginable horror, I feel unimaginable ecstasy. Where I once wished I had never been born to experience something so horrifying, I now wish for the experience to end only when I cannot take any more waves of transcendental bliss. 100mg fumarate is a good dose for me. It’s just enough to make me wonder if I might actually die of ecstasy, but knowing that I’ll probably be ok. It’s enough for the spirit world to completely break through in to this world, yet I can still walk around if needed, and I’m not at the total mercy of the almighty, pinning me to the floor. Any higher though, and it becomes too much. It becomes physically, and mentally, too intense. It becomes like a nightmare that seems like it will never end. And worse, time becomes dilated, or even stops so that 10 seconds seems like forever. Imagine 4 hours of that. Torture. Anyway…
The trip got off to a rocky start. I had planned this journey for a while, a good hefty night time dose, staring at the moon and stars on the beach, in the middle of the August meteor shower. But things started going wrong from the beginning. Before I dosed, I developed a bit of a headache. I almost aborted the trip, and the headache put me in a bit of a bad mood, but I decided to press forward. After dosing, I laid down in the sand. I chose a spot that was out in the open, yet my specific spot was hidden by a few trees and a small sand hill. There were some cabins a few hundred feet away, so I was sort of close to civilization, but from my vantage point, there was only wilderness and stillness in every direction.
Soon after lying down my mp3 player died. This annoyed me because I find that if I’m not listening to music, then every little sound I hear is distracting, and I’m constantly wondering if every sound is something to be concerned about. This detracts from the journey. So my mood went down again. I became angry and frustrated actually.
The forecast was calling for clear skies. But I looked up and it had clouded over. I was disappointed again. At this point I wished I had aborted the trip because it wasn’t turning out to be the setting I had envisioned. I could hear voices coming from somewhere, maybe people were walking on the beach, or someone was playing a stereo from one of the cabins. Without my headphones on, every voice bothered the heck out of me, and I was worried someone might walk in my direction, and ask me annoying questions about why I’m lying alone in the sand like a dead man. In my head, I started yelling at the people talking to shut up.
I was eventually lulled in to a dmt space, where I was contacted by some entities. They greeted me, talked to me, and gave me guidance.
They said, “why so frustrated?”
“those voices are annoying me. I can’t relax without my music.”
“It’s not really about the voices is it? The frustration you feel about the noises is the tip of the iceberg. You feel angry because you’ve been lulled in to a pattern of frustration. Let the voices be and they won’t bother you anymore.”
Lately, I’ve become a bit too attached to the outcome of certain things. Compared to years ago, before I encountered dmt, I was far more frustrated and angry. However, since dmt, I have largely changed my ways, but my sensitivity to negativity has increased, so that I’ll notice it more readily... which is a good thing because by noticing it, I can address it and put a stop to it early before it builds too high. Anyway, I could see how lately I’ve been viewing the world from a somewhat segregated perspective. Basically, I was believing I had too much power over the world. The entities showed me that I have virtually no power over myself or the world. The only power I have is how I respond to whatever arises. The entities said, “respond with love and acceptance. That’s all. That’s the one and only test there is. There is absolutely nothing else to life but how much you can accept and love. All the rest is just noise, just a game. Don’t get too attached to the games, or you’ll destroy yourself with your own frustration. Eventually, everyone loses everything, so don't be too shocked if it hits you. The only test is of your spirit..... and the trenches of the spiritual warfare are often fought in the mundane parts of life, the little annoyances, such as hearing annoying voices, or not getting the right weather. How your spirit responds to such things is often gives a clue to how you are viewing the world in general. It's easy to let your spirit free on dmt, but let it free as well when you're in the trenches at work, staring at the four walls with nowhere to go and nothing to do but mundane, hard work.”
But I haven’t always been positive thinking at various points in life. At times, my general way of thinking has been, “I have to do this or that or else everything will fall apart. If I don’t do something, if I don’t prove my worthiness in some way, then everything is going to hell, my life will be hell and then life won’t be good, I will fall apart, people will think I’m weak, I’ll be an outcast. Or, if I don’t do something, then people will take over everything with their own dumb ideas, and enslave others for their own power. I have to fight others. There are bad people out there that I have to resist. The only reason I live is to stop crappy things from happening in the world.” This attitude is one of grim determination. It is impatient, uncompromising, stressful, energy draining. Basically, it focuses all attention on worldly outcome, while entirely neglecting “spirit”, or inner consciousness. The entities made it clear that inner consciousness is really all that matters. If your soul has love, then what happens in the outer world is largely inconsequential. But if you cut your soul off from, then your experience of the world will feel very vulnerable, constricted, fearful, and you’ll spare no expense, and there’s nothing you won’t do to others to preserve worldly gains, be it material things, or physical well being.
I’m not saying to ignore the physical world or health, just that if the outer world is your only concern, you will never really be happy, you life will never really be filled with love. On the other hand, if your soul is cared for, but you lose on the physical realm, you are a triumph beyond measure. The universe could not ask more of you. It only wants love. It knows no other joy.
As I looked up at the sky, it was as if the world became not an outside phenomenon, but as if the world and I were one thing. Or rather, it wasn’t me looking out at the world anymore, but the whole world was watching me! These “entities”, whatever they are, showed me that the world is a projection, and I am projection. The world doesn’t really exist as it seems. I was placed here as an ignorant child, free to live life as I please in this physical plane. The idea was that I remain ignorant of my spiritual nature just to see how my life would turn out, just to see how I would handle it. But somewhere along the way, I botched things up, I became angry, bitter, lonely and hateful. I was shown moments in my life and how I screwed them up. I was taken back to key moments in life that I feel went wrong. The scene was replayed and the entities stopped each scene at the point where it went wrong.
They said, “you see, that’s the exact spot where you went wrong. The point where you became angry, judgmental, and took it personally. After that point, regardless of the outcome, you already lost. You ‘failed’, so to speak, you sinned. And your failure followed you for years to come. You carried the resentment with you, and it affected in every way. It affected every interaction with people, it affected your mindset, your motivation, it affected your physical body. It made you feel depressed, and lonely, and those feelings only increased over time. Your failure made you hate the world and yourself. In those moments where you went wrong, if only you were open, if only there was some love in your heart, you would not have failed regardless of the outcome. From that point on, you would have been open to learning, receptive, positive thinking, loving towards yourself and others. You would not have be so afraid of failure. But instead you chose extreme protectionism and lived a life of fear and sadness over your own shortcomings.”
I closed my eyes and was treated to a glorious light show. Firecracker hearts were exploding all over the place, as the entities said, “this is what we want. We want love, not hate and fear. This is what you are capable of, and this is the potential reward.” I was quite compelled to listen to this message, as only a super intelligence could put on such a fantastic display. “how can my own mind possibly see something so beautiful? This is beyond beautiful, this is impossible. My mind is doing this? Wow….. oh wow, oh my God wow”. I marvelled at the beauty as the intensity built and built, compounding itself. Before I was finished being completely astounded by the beauty of one vision, another vision of even greater beauty would pop up, leaving me repeating, “wow…. oh my God wow, thank you! oh my God.”
The entities were showing me moments not from my recent life, but events from far in the past that have shaped my life to where it really began when I started taking dmt. That was the point at which I really started living a new life, much more dedicated to goodness. But I guess I wasn’t completely over the old life because the entities were showing me the impact that the old life has had, and there was still some healing that needed to be done. This journey was like my healing session, as the spirits guided me through it.
I was told that my life was supposed to be a good life, but somewhere along the lines I lost my way, and this made the universe sad. I was told that I have failed at much of life, but there is still time to turn it around for the better. I saw visions of loving entities crying for me. They wept and said, “you were my child…. You were supposed to love, not hate. What happened to you? You were lost. I can’t stand to see you in pain anymore.” For many years I went through suicidal depression. Not a day went by where I didn’t think about killing myself.
I remember one day in particular. I felt very certain that I was going to kill myself. I had decided I was going to do it. I completely lost faith that life could ever be worth living, no matter what happened to me. For some reason though, I decided I was going to live despite seeing no reason to go on. The only thing that kept me alive was telling myself, “even though it seems that things cannot possibly get better, I will remain open to the absurd and impossible concept that some miracle might happen and I’ll want to live”. Seven years later, I discovered dmt. The entities said that I had suffered enough, they couldn’t stand to see me hurting anymore, they heard my prayers, and dmt was the answer to those prayers.
Although I have sinned greatly, there was not a sense of judgment from myself or the spirits I was communicating with. They were just sad and disappointed and they wept out of concern. I felt that judgment is part of the whole problem. Judgment is a form of hate, and thus, misses the mark. I was told to show love for others with hate in their hearts, for they are lost souls as I was. They need compassion and love as I did. There is no sin, as the world typically sees it. There is only love and those who are severed from that love, lost souls. And to show love to those lost souls should not be a burden, should not be difficult, but should be an expression of the love that exists within you. When love is authentic, it is shown because it is right, and it is easy to express. The hate in them is a shadow of the hate within you. Do not feed that hate.
One of the interesting things about ayahuasca, or pharmahuasca, is I often have a sense that my entire body is changing colors from within. I feel like I am glowing from the inside out. This time I experienced the most powerful color shift yet. My eyes were closed, and a magnificent golden God head appeared in front of me. It melded itself in to my entire body, and soon, my whole body was glowing this fantastic golden color. The glowing built to a ferocious intensity. Often times, when I’m in a journey, I am thinking about how I am going to write about the experience, and how I will describe. The words I thought of to describe this golden glow were, “it built to a ferocious intensity”. It was strong.
By this point, the real journey had not begun yet. The next point is the transition between contact and breakthrough. The golden glow became so intense it was beyond what I could handle, it built and built, and then morphed in to something else. At that point, it was simply…. beyond. As I said a second ago, I am always trying to come up with words to describe what I see, but when it built to this point, I realized I had no words to describe this incredible experience. On the inside, I was ecstatic. My mind was being shattered and I was enjoying every second. There was a happy, mocking tone on the inside, “now you’ve done it, you’ve lost your head completely. Nothing makes sense here”. In this place, thoughts themselves are absurd, there is no time, there is no anything except this indescribable, incomprehensible thing.
This is accompanied by a hollow sound, and something like a wobbly tuning fork. It felt as though my head and my soul had been completely disconnected from consensual reality, and I was spinning wildly in a timeless, spaceless place. This was the source of all sources. This is where dmt leads. This is the dmt nexus. Three is no symbol for it, there is no thought that can describe it. It is in essence, completely indescribable. But be warned, to experience such a place requires a total disorientation from consensual reality. Such a thing will be disturbing to most people. The message I received is that the heart of the universe is completely incomprehensible, it cannot be understood. It doesn’t even exist, and yet it is somehow more alive than anything that can be imagined. It is more anything than anything that could be imagined… yet it has no substance at all. I was dumbfounded by life of this thing, and its total lack of existence, and this indescribable thing became even more indescribable with every attempt to describe it, to think about it, to feel it or grasp it. I was just left there thinking, “wow…. I can’t even…. I can’t understand it….. oh my GOD!”
As my head was spinning out of control, every couple minutes, I would open my eyes and lift my head and see the sand dunes and the water, which looked completely alien, and I was shocked to see such a weird world. I was like, “what the fuck is this, this is the weirdest place yet….. oh yeah, I’m alive. Oh my God, I’m still alive. This place is so heavy and solid”. It was like being dead one moment, and then opening my eyes and a new universe manifested itself back at the point where I had left off. Another chance to live. Everything took on a transcendental quality, an impossibly beautiful quality. The sand, the trees, the sky, the little chips of wood in the sand. All of it, screaming out from the impossible beauty of infinite space.
The beautiful intensity became so much, I felt I had to open my eyes and sit up or I would burst. At this point, there was no stopping the transcendental joy from breaking through in to this world. Whether my eyes were open or closed, I couldn’t stop it. I started shaking and rocking back and forth. I was in a fully body ecstasy energy wave. My body tightened up. I felt this tightening in my abdomen and I held on to my stomach. My face was strained and tears started flowing, and what joy it was when I could feel those tears hitting the sand. So there I am, alone on a beach, lying on my side in the sand, holding my stomach, rocking back and forth and crying with a pained look on my face. It must have looked like I got shot or something, but it was not pain that I felt, but pure ecstasy.
I even had a vision that I was walking along, someone came up to me and shot me in the stomach and I knew I was going to die. Instead of lamenting over this event, I grabbed my gut and screamed, “thank you!!!! THANK YOU!!!!” as I knew I had been liberated from this corporeal existence. I said goodbye to the world, and sunk in to the earth, in to the space between space.
I looked up and the sky had cleared, and the moon was out, and the people noises were gone. I could hear nothing but the symphony of wind and chattering leaves, sand blowing, and waves breaking. I got my beautiful scene after all! Millions of stars up there, so majestic. And not a minute after opening my eyes did I start seeing shooting stars flying across the sky. I was so thankful to be viewing something so beautiful. This is what I do. This is how I give thanks to the world and to God. I lie in the dirt alone as every molecule in my body screams out THANK YOU to the stars. I do this not because I am insane, or because I am masochistic, I do this because I am happy and this is my most pure expression of it. I get down in the fabric of existence and give thanks. I travel to the spirit world each week. You won’t see me doing it because I purposely venture off to be alone. But I’m out there. See you in the nexus. My spirit name is Apoc. Hello World!
The ecstasy became so intense that it was overpowering, and I decided I was going to get up and walk around for a while to calm myself down a bit. When I lied back down, I thought the peak was over, and I was almost normalizing. But, pharmahuasca comes in waves. You go through fits, then you calm down a bit, but it builds back up again. I would get lulled back in to intense fits of severe happiness.
As I pondered the incomprehensibility of the world beyond this world, I realized that I was hallucinating. Yes, I realized that all of life is a hallucination, and I’ve been tripping balls my whole life. I closed my eyes, looked within, and could see fragments of individual memories, and building blocks of existence, all what which combine to form the single person that I perceive myself to be. But I’m not really an individual, I’m a huge nest of layers of dream stuff, and while on dmt, I could see all those layers fall apart to reveal the incomprehensible within. I started laughing on the inside at all of this. “It’s all illusion! None of it is real! There is no answer to anything! HA HA HA!!! AAAAAAAHHH!!!! HA HA HA!!” The laughter became totally maniacal, as I’m lying there smiling my ass off at the nature of my own mind. I spent the next hour or so in ecstasy, everything was wild and free and transcendentally beautiful.
I looked down at my body. It appeared to be a young body, but by this point I knew that it’s not really my body, my body is more like a vessel. I thought, “am I young or old? Am I still young enough to be considered young”. Then I thought, “what am I talking about? I am ageless.” When I said that, it was like there was a big release within. I was a free spirit roaming the earth, not young or old, but free. I got up and walked along the beach as a free traveler. Every so often, I would become entranced by a tree or the waves or something. All so beautiful. The headache was gone after dosing as well.
So in conclusion, I had a pretty good time.
