It's taken me a long time to reaquiant myself with psilocybin since I've returned to the use of psychedelics in an attempt to heal myself from years of PTSD influenced addiction and all that that relates to. I began the practice quite unprepared but willing to jump in with several mind-shattering, ego destroying and life-changing 5meo DMT experiences several years ago and from there began working with self extracted n,n, DMT. There was a period of several months where I experimented with the nootropic effects of psilocybin by "micro-dosing" ~.5 g wild harvested cyanescens weekly. These were very productive and happy months and sold me on the idea that these things are medicines in many different ways. However, it's taken me some time to develop a place, the set, to engage in some serious deep delving and I've been scared to "trip" heavy.
The reasons are multiple, as anyone who has read some of my posts through the years, things have been a struggle in many ways. On paper, my life sucks. And I've wanted to develop some external support systems in place so I don't have to be totally alone in my head, even if I'm alone in body while I do some inner work. I mean that, I'm pretty secure that I'm not just going to lose it, but I want to know someone is there if I do, if I have to show up on someone's doorstep because I forgot to know how to use a phone and need a hug, I need to know I can. On some of my most difficult and frankly terrifying DMT trips, I've literally had to comfort myself, rocking in a fetal position upon re-entry, and it kinda sucks.
So, now there are some pretty swell people in my life and through one, in an act of pure love, came to me some psilocybin. A good amount, about 12 smallish cubes, dry, pretty sure 1/8 oz. I put a little something easily digestable in my stomach and began eating them, slowly. I ended up consuming all but the two biggest ones over the course of I'm guessing 90 minutes ( I don't know because right before I ate them, my phone was stolen:| ). I stopped because I was just planning to wander a local park, albeit a big one with lots of hiding spaces but still, once I noticed some sparks out of the corner of my field of vision and it was on, the rapidity with which the state developed signaled a strong psilocybin trip and I wanted maintain an ability to seem "normal" if pressed.
It started with a deep connection to nature, once the trip had really started to come on, the sky released with a sigh some much needed rain, and I could feel the ground open to recieve it. It was beautiful, the sound of the rain on the grass was silver. I felt grounded in my space, and at this time began to notice a sort of presence there helping communicate to me what was going on, what direction would be beneficial to take, and even to caution me on physical dangers, like helping me decide NOT to go in search of civilization ( even though I did, that's how I know it was a bad idea). It was not an external entity but some sort of expression of my higher self. And it also would step aside and allow another voice to speak to me occasionally, positing some irrational or questionable course of action, that I would then recognize as another aspect of myself, but rather these voices developed out of fears that no longer neccesarily served me.
For instance while walking near a pond, a sense of extreme anxiety and danger began to overwhelm me. I began to question it. I knew recently a woman had drowned in this pond, but her circumstances were unusual, not mine. I looked at the shore and suddenly couldn't tell where the rippling water ended and where the shadow on the ground began, it looked like I was standing in the water and I froze. Then an image flashed in my head of when I was young boy, walking in the woods with my dog, and jumped down several feet into what looked like some old road, but was actually a deep stagnant pool thick with leaves and twigs, so that it looked like solid ground. I freaked the #### out, afraid of the water moccassins I knew to be in every pool of water like that in north Georgia in the Summer and then my little dog jumped in too (I loved her for that, she tried to save me!). I got out, and she did too, but that event stuck with me, although I hadn't thought about it in decadeds. It seemed to me that it was the reason for this fear, and when that vision faded from my mind's eye, the water was the water, the ground was the ground.
This went on for hours, as I walked through the park, each different area opening up another beautiful vista, and comforted by an aspect of myself I knew to be the core of my being, that which I am, not what I've done, nor what has been done to me. The part of me that is moved by discovery and wonders in awe at beauty in nature and art, the part of me that loves. The part of me that is hidden beneath wounds that I bear on the surface, that screams in pain as each scar is inflicted on my heart, but the part that will always be whole, again, the part that loves. Again and again, I would be shown some thing, some memory that manifests in some behavior, some good, mostly not so much. And if I tried to turn away, the voice would say,"shouldn't you maybe want to take a look at it?". And then I could interact with the memories in a way I normally can't, even on deep cannabis meditations, asking questions, identifying solutions.
In the end, it was a scratching of the surface, a short guided tour of my psyche by a gentle guide, the first of what are to be many journeys with this medicine. My fears of psilocybin are alleviated, knowing it now to be a gentle, nurturing, feminine form of medicine, that wants to see me be the best person I can be. If it sounds weird to you that a mushroom is concerned over my well-being, well then maybe you should eat some. I was left with one thing, something that has been terribly hard for me to accept for one or another reason I'm not going into here, but that is simply that from deep within, I am all love, that all I need to give is love, and that all I've ever wanted is to be loved.
Pretty simple eh?
:?:
The reasons are multiple, as anyone who has read some of my posts through the years, things have been a struggle in many ways. On paper, my life sucks. And I've wanted to develop some external support systems in place so I don't have to be totally alone in my head, even if I'm alone in body while I do some inner work. I mean that, I'm pretty secure that I'm not just going to lose it, but I want to know someone is there if I do, if I have to show up on someone's doorstep because I forgot to know how to use a phone and need a hug, I need to know I can. On some of my most difficult and frankly terrifying DMT trips, I've literally had to comfort myself, rocking in a fetal position upon re-entry, and it kinda sucks.
So, now there are some pretty swell people in my life and through one, in an act of pure love, came to me some psilocybin. A good amount, about 12 smallish cubes, dry, pretty sure 1/8 oz. I put a little something easily digestable in my stomach and began eating them, slowly. I ended up consuming all but the two biggest ones over the course of I'm guessing 90 minutes ( I don't know because right before I ate them, my phone was stolen:| ). I stopped because I was just planning to wander a local park, albeit a big one with lots of hiding spaces but still, once I noticed some sparks out of the corner of my field of vision and it was on, the rapidity with which the state developed signaled a strong psilocybin trip and I wanted maintain an ability to seem "normal" if pressed.
It started with a deep connection to nature, once the trip had really started to come on, the sky released with a sigh some much needed rain, and I could feel the ground open to recieve it. It was beautiful, the sound of the rain on the grass was silver. I felt grounded in my space, and at this time began to notice a sort of presence there helping communicate to me what was going on, what direction would be beneficial to take, and even to caution me on physical dangers, like helping me decide NOT to go in search of civilization ( even though I did, that's how I know it was a bad idea). It was not an external entity but some sort of expression of my higher self. And it also would step aside and allow another voice to speak to me occasionally, positing some irrational or questionable course of action, that I would then recognize as another aspect of myself, but rather these voices developed out of fears that no longer neccesarily served me.
For instance while walking near a pond, a sense of extreme anxiety and danger began to overwhelm me. I began to question it. I knew recently a woman had drowned in this pond, but her circumstances were unusual, not mine. I looked at the shore and suddenly couldn't tell where the rippling water ended and where the shadow on the ground began, it looked like I was standing in the water and I froze. Then an image flashed in my head of when I was young boy, walking in the woods with my dog, and jumped down several feet into what looked like some old road, but was actually a deep stagnant pool thick with leaves and twigs, so that it looked like solid ground. I freaked the #### out, afraid of the water moccassins I knew to be in every pool of water like that in north Georgia in the Summer and then my little dog jumped in too (I loved her for that, she tried to save me!). I got out, and she did too, but that event stuck with me, although I hadn't thought about it in decadeds. It seemed to me that it was the reason for this fear, and when that vision faded from my mind's eye, the water was the water, the ground was the ground.
This went on for hours, as I walked through the park, each different area opening up another beautiful vista, and comforted by an aspect of myself I knew to be the core of my being, that which I am, not what I've done, nor what has been done to me. The part of me that is moved by discovery and wonders in awe at beauty in nature and art, the part of me that loves. The part of me that is hidden beneath wounds that I bear on the surface, that screams in pain as each scar is inflicted on my heart, but the part that will always be whole, again, the part that loves. Again and again, I would be shown some thing, some memory that manifests in some behavior, some good, mostly not so much. And if I tried to turn away, the voice would say,"shouldn't you maybe want to take a look at it?". And then I could interact with the memories in a way I normally can't, even on deep cannabis meditations, asking questions, identifying solutions.
In the end, it was a scratching of the surface, a short guided tour of my psyche by a gentle guide, the first of what are to be many journeys with this medicine. My fears of psilocybin are alleviated, knowing it now to be a gentle, nurturing, feminine form of medicine, that wants to see me be the best person I can be. If it sounds weird to you that a mushroom is concerned over my well-being, well then maybe you should eat some. I was left with one thing, something that has been terribly hard for me to accept for one or another reason I'm not going into here, but that is simply that from deep within, I am all love, that all I need to give is love, and that all I've ever wanted is to be loved.
Pretty simple eh?
:?:
