zknarc
Rising Star
I have taken DMT twice now and have had no previous no experience with any kind of psychedelic or drug.
I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, bad at times and 8 weeks ago had a breakdown where my mind couldn’t handle it anymore and am on the road back to managing life again. I have tried everything from psych drugs, EMDR therapy and am in long-term psychotherapy but progress has been small. I was hoping DMT might get deeper and to the root of my problems.
Both experiences were with oral DMT with 300mg Moclobemide (reversible MAOI)
My first hyperspace trip was intense and it went very deep very quickly. From melting into and ‘becoming’ things with no idea if my eyes were open or closed to having no divisions at all between anything: form & colour no longer existed likewise feelings, physical, thoughts or any senses. I had a ‘white out’ where I was nothing and everything was nothing. On the way I felt absolute genuine care over myself, comforting myself. I felt the weight of the toxic shame I bear and the child that bore it then becoming it and somehow feeling it was now ok. I remember feeling that I had explored the far reaches of my mind and being surprised and heartened that there was nothing awful about me.
The second was not as intense, the time spent with super heavy pressure feeling was less. This time I didn’t have the desperate fear I had the first time when reality was melting but this was harder to manage I think because of the slower onset. The journey was longer meeting entities etc. before the levels of no divisions between anything where even any form or colour is farcical.
Some questions:
1) Whenever my mind grabs onto something and is concerned this corner multiples into more and more sinister and frightening turns. I find it impossible to control in any way. DMT seems to make me become the experience, I am it, it is all consuming not me feeling it which is what I find very hard. How can this be better dealt with?
2) At it’s very depth I sensed that any deeper and I wouldn't survive it, I just wouldn't come back together any more and all links to a reality to come back to would be gone. This was really terrifying even though I had gone deeper than this the previous time. How could this be managed?
After each I have sworn blind I’d never do it again because of how scary it was but I sense that my work might actually only just be beginning. I had hoped after the first experience that would have been enough but it felt so distant being back in reality it hasn’t had the life impact perhaps I had thought it might.
I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, bad at times and 8 weeks ago had a breakdown where my mind couldn’t handle it anymore and am on the road back to managing life again. I have tried everything from psych drugs, EMDR therapy and am in long-term psychotherapy but progress has been small. I was hoping DMT might get deeper and to the root of my problems.
Both experiences were with oral DMT with 300mg Moclobemide (reversible MAOI)
My first hyperspace trip was intense and it went very deep very quickly. From melting into and ‘becoming’ things with no idea if my eyes were open or closed to having no divisions at all between anything: form & colour no longer existed likewise feelings, physical, thoughts or any senses. I had a ‘white out’ where I was nothing and everything was nothing. On the way I felt absolute genuine care over myself, comforting myself. I felt the weight of the toxic shame I bear and the child that bore it then becoming it and somehow feeling it was now ok. I remember feeling that I had explored the far reaches of my mind and being surprised and heartened that there was nothing awful about me.
The second was not as intense, the time spent with super heavy pressure feeling was less. This time I didn’t have the desperate fear I had the first time when reality was melting but this was harder to manage I think because of the slower onset. The journey was longer meeting entities etc. before the levels of no divisions between anything where even any form or colour is farcical.
Some questions:
1) Whenever my mind grabs onto something and is concerned this corner multiples into more and more sinister and frightening turns. I find it impossible to control in any way. DMT seems to make me become the experience, I am it, it is all consuming not me feeling it which is what I find very hard. How can this be better dealt with?
2) At it’s very depth I sensed that any deeper and I wouldn't survive it, I just wouldn't come back together any more and all links to a reality to come back to would be gone. This was really terrifying even though I had gone deeper than this the previous time. How could this be managed?
After each I have sworn blind I’d never do it again because of how scary it was but I sense that my work might actually only just be beginning. I had hoped after the first experience that would have been enough but it felt so distant being back in reality it hasn’t had the life impact perhaps I had thought it might.
