pilotsimone
brooke
01.13.11
3g Syrian Rue/60mg freebase
I do not feel good writing this trip report. Yesterday was an incredibly hard trip for me. One I was NOT expecting, but then again the hard ones probably never are.
I go in with the intention to heal and release old energy. Whatever serves my highest good and the highest good of all.
I have every reason to believe this trip will be pleasant, Chris had just done it several days before. He said the coming on was gentle and it was easy to work with the medicine. So, I’m as optimistic as can be going in.
At the 1.5 hour marker, the nausea started in and I get the sense the trip is moving dark. My instincts kick in and I completely panic. I try vomiting several times out of desperation. No such luck, just some painful dry heaves. At this point, I realize I'm going somewhere I did not intend. I’ve visited darkness briefly on Ayahuasca, but nothing like this trip is promising.
Chris sets me up in a chair in the living room with a few blankets and a bucket. The rest is a nightmare.
An endless cycle. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…
I open my eyes to the same moment in my living room . The light makes me remember I’m on a trip. Nausea kicks in and I purge. The purging sends me spiraling downward into these deep dark caverns inside of me. Places I realize I’ve been visiting all throughout childhood (and I suspect adulthood dreamspace). I'm wallowing in a pool of blood, vomit, phlegm, shit, pus…surrounded and immersed in torture, rape, incest, war, PAIN. It was the most primitive place I’ve ever known. MEAT was very symbolic of this place. As if the darker the being, the more meat being consumed.
These caverns are places I’ve hidden away the painful events I’ve endured throughout my lifetimes. All physical incarnations (of which there were hundreds). That was my understanding. They were visited often by me as a child, but my conscious mind would bury the memories immediately. I never remembered. So, only when I visited would I remember all the times before. This time I was conscious. This time I was going to remember and bring it back into my waking life. No more burying. I was told very specifically…THIS IS DUALITY LEAVING YOU.
I’m going through this completely conscious and ALONE. No guidance, no love (at least from my perspective during the trip). And strangely, there is more than one perspective of myself going through it. One self who is enduring all the physical and emotional pain and another self who is observing and trying to find a way out. Several dimensions are being shown to me at the same time, so I’m incredibly disoriented.
My sensitivity to my surroundings goes wild. Chris can’t come near me. I keep telling him to get further and further away (even though my eyes are closed under a blanket). It was torturing me when he came near. I also asked all beings who were coming in to LEAVE. I was very adamant. The pain of having anyone near me was unbearable. The cat walking through almost killed me.
It is very clear to me I’m on my own. I’ve been dropped into a foreign and extremely hostile environment and my body/mind has absolutely no idea what to do. I feel very much like a rabid, caged animal. All animal instincts kick in. I am a beast, not human.
Then I wake up to the same moment in time in my living room. The light makes me purge. And so the cycle goes again. It feels like hundreds of times over. I fear this trip will take years (I have a vision of the Inception movie).
I have one brief moment of peace each cycle. Lasting a few seconds. During this peace, I understand my lesson. I have to control my thoughts. I have to control my thoughts. I have to control my thoughts. For months my sensitivity has been increasing (I’m an empath). I know I need to figure out a way to deal, or I won’t survive. I know this. I need to get this. I need to control my thoughts and I need to learn how to keep people’s energy out of my space. I’m a fucking sponge. I feel everything. I just can’t take the pain of it anymore, even though I want to help others. Even my husband and kids have become a challenge in recent weeks.
I needed this trip to force me to learn on a very basic level. I know this.
God, there was NO SURRENDERING to this thing. The less I resisted the more pain I felt. The more I resisted, the more pain I felt. There was never more than those few seconds of peace. Chris said this went on for three hours.
Finally, I come out of it. It feels like coming out of anesthesia. I’m finally able to focus my eyes without spiraling. I call Chris over and immediately break down. I lived every nightmare I can possibly imagine. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and I’m completely exhausted mentally and physically.
At this moment I feel powerful. I feel excited. I made it. I survived! Incredibly ecstatic. And like a previous big trip, I come back with this amazing feeling that more of myself has entered my body. Very masculine feeling. I am literally a NEW animal. Keen cat-like senses and something very reptilian-ish going on (that I cannot explain).
/end trip
Today is the next day. Today I’ve had two breakdowns and my anxiety is causing me great panic. I’m not used to this level of anxiety and my sensitivity is again through the roof. I’m traumatized by this trip right now. I just cannot express to you the terror I feel when my mind starts going there. I don’t want to bury the memory of this trip, but I DO want to let it go and move out of me.
Please tell me this will integrate and I will be fine. I feel so alone. I’m a giant exposed nerve in every sense. Cannibas is helping some.
Have I done it? Have I gone too far? Every instinct I have says this is a transition period for me, but I am a wreck looking for a sliver of relief.
Thanks for reading.
3g Syrian Rue/60mg freebase
I do not feel good writing this trip report. Yesterday was an incredibly hard trip for me. One I was NOT expecting, but then again the hard ones probably never are.
I go in with the intention to heal and release old energy. Whatever serves my highest good and the highest good of all.
I have every reason to believe this trip will be pleasant, Chris had just done it several days before. He said the coming on was gentle and it was easy to work with the medicine. So, I’m as optimistic as can be going in.
At the 1.5 hour marker, the nausea started in and I get the sense the trip is moving dark. My instincts kick in and I completely panic. I try vomiting several times out of desperation. No such luck, just some painful dry heaves. At this point, I realize I'm going somewhere I did not intend. I’ve visited darkness briefly on Ayahuasca, but nothing like this trip is promising.
Chris sets me up in a chair in the living room with a few blankets and a bucket. The rest is a nightmare.
An endless cycle. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…
I open my eyes to the same moment in my living room . The light makes me remember I’m on a trip. Nausea kicks in and I purge. The purging sends me spiraling downward into these deep dark caverns inside of me. Places I realize I’ve been visiting all throughout childhood (and I suspect adulthood dreamspace). I'm wallowing in a pool of blood, vomit, phlegm, shit, pus…surrounded and immersed in torture, rape, incest, war, PAIN. It was the most primitive place I’ve ever known. MEAT was very symbolic of this place. As if the darker the being, the more meat being consumed.
These caverns are places I’ve hidden away the painful events I’ve endured throughout my lifetimes. All physical incarnations (of which there were hundreds). That was my understanding. They were visited often by me as a child, but my conscious mind would bury the memories immediately. I never remembered. So, only when I visited would I remember all the times before. This time I was conscious. This time I was going to remember and bring it back into my waking life. No more burying. I was told very specifically…THIS IS DUALITY LEAVING YOU.
I’m going through this completely conscious and ALONE. No guidance, no love (at least from my perspective during the trip). And strangely, there is more than one perspective of myself going through it. One self who is enduring all the physical and emotional pain and another self who is observing and trying to find a way out. Several dimensions are being shown to me at the same time, so I’m incredibly disoriented.
My sensitivity to my surroundings goes wild. Chris can’t come near me. I keep telling him to get further and further away (even though my eyes are closed under a blanket). It was torturing me when he came near. I also asked all beings who were coming in to LEAVE. I was very adamant. The pain of having anyone near me was unbearable. The cat walking through almost killed me.
It is very clear to me I’m on my own. I’ve been dropped into a foreign and extremely hostile environment and my body/mind has absolutely no idea what to do. I feel very much like a rabid, caged animal. All animal instincts kick in. I am a beast, not human.
Then I wake up to the same moment in time in my living room. The light makes me purge. And so the cycle goes again. It feels like hundreds of times over. I fear this trip will take years (I have a vision of the Inception movie).
I have one brief moment of peace each cycle. Lasting a few seconds. During this peace, I understand my lesson. I have to control my thoughts. I have to control my thoughts. I have to control my thoughts. For months my sensitivity has been increasing (I’m an empath). I know I need to figure out a way to deal, or I won’t survive. I know this. I need to get this. I need to control my thoughts and I need to learn how to keep people’s energy out of my space. I’m a fucking sponge. I feel everything. I just can’t take the pain of it anymore, even though I want to help others. Even my husband and kids have become a challenge in recent weeks.
I needed this trip to force me to learn on a very basic level. I know this.
God, there was NO SURRENDERING to this thing. The less I resisted the more pain I felt. The more I resisted, the more pain I felt. There was never more than those few seconds of peace. Chris said this went on for three hours.
Finally, I come out of it. It feels like coming out of anesthesia. I’m finally able to focus my eyes without spiraling. I call Chris over and immediately break down. I lived every nightmare I can possibly imagine. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and I’m completely exhausted mentally and physically.
At this moment I feel powerful. I feel excited. I made it. I survived! Incredibly ecstatic. And like a previous big trip, I come back with this amazing feeling that more of myself has entered my body. Very masculine feeling. I am literally a NEW animal. Keen cat-like senses and something very reptilian-ish going on (that I cannot explain).
/end trip
Today is the next day. Today I’ve had two breakdowns and my anxiety is causing me great panic. I’m not used to this level of anxiety and my sensitivity is again through the roof. I’m traumatized by this trip right now. I just cannot express to you the terror I feel when my mind starts going there. I don’t want to bury the memory of this trip, but I DO want to let it go and move out of me.
Please tell me this will integrate and I will be fine. I feel so alone. I’m a giant exposed nerve in every sense. Cannibas is helping some.
Have I done it? Have I gone too far? Every instinct I have says this is a transition period for me, but I am a wreck looking for a sliver of relief.
Thanks for reading.
