Hard time integrating my experience

[Whitespace]

First post here. I've done DMT about 7-10 times so far. I've made contact and seen insane open eye visuals. I know a lot about extraction and have a bunch of real life friends who are also exploring spice with me. One even took ayahuasca before.

Recently I had an experience where I was on 125mg mdma, took some more mdma, then took a (probably large) hit of DMT. I'm sure I immediately blacked out, but I eventually regained consciousness and realized I was in my apartment and tripping on DMT. Once that thought hit, the elves cheered and I was smack in the middle of the most intense journey ever. It was so real that previous breakthrough trips were merely in 2D whereas this was SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I immediately tried to recoil and felt myself (literally) crawling away from the insanity. Eyes open or closed didn't matter. Mind was being ripped into 4D pieces. It was too fast and too much information. I eventually realized I have to just deal with it and after 30 seconds or so it faded.

My brother said I was tripping for 30 minutes.

After that experience of being hyperslapped I've been really hesitant on going too deep with DMT. Before I'd just throw about 50mg into a glass (crack?) pipe and take as much as I could, but never finishing it. On several occasions I've burned the spice. Yesterday I tried 25mg in a clean pipe, didn't finish the whole thing, and then tried 35mg. When the 35mg was getting too intense I asked my friends to turn off the music and talk me out of it. It was really awesome having them there and I don't think I want to smoke without friends around.

One thing I've noticed is that it always takes me two attempts before I have a real experience. The first time I'll smoke and I'll see crazy visuals and I'll think, "wow, DMT is so insane!" And then I'll try the same amount again and then it's 10,000,000,000 crazier, and I remember how insane my previous trips were, and I'll have this feeling that the elves have manipulated every thought and memory and all of my actions to lead to this point where they pull the wool over my eyes and say, "SURPRISE! We've been waiting for this party your whole existence!" And it's this total mindfuck and it's not at all pleasant.

That feeling of being manipulated and the fact that I can't remember just how INSANE spice is makes it hard to want to get even close to breakthrough. Once the entities start coming out of the woodwork (to me they're like tiny black flecks or the Susuwatari from My Neighbor Totoro), I become suspicious of their true motives.

I'll add that on one occasion I was having a very mild trip mixed with weed, and I felt like the entities were spirits that would take turns moving into my body to "show" me things – that is, make me feel different emotions. One of them came in and I immediately recoiled, saying out loud, "I don't like this one," and curling up into a ball. Almost immediately a new one came in, and I said, "Oh, this one's much nicer" and my couch felt amazing all of a sudden. I was listening to music and watching Electric Sheep fractals, and one came on that was all spiky, so maybe that was the reason?

In any case, just writing all this makes it really apparent to me that I haven't been the best at respecting the spice, and making sure my set and setting doesn't contain potentially negative characteristics. Actually, now that I think about it all of my negative experiences features loud music (sometimes soothing, sometimes not). Maybe I should stick to other sounds (or none at all)

But anyway, my question is: does anyone else get that feeling like the entities manipulated your memories/actions/entire life? Even if they're doing that because they think it's hilarious to watch my reaction, it's really unnerving.

 

[332211]

you are asking a very good question.

from a social perspective, the beings in hyperspace are very much like people in our world: they can be good or bad, they have moods and they are driven by desires. why are they even interested in us? my guess is, they can get something from us, be it entertainment, energy or attention. think about it, if you would be non-material awareness that exists in a world were newtonian physics don' t apply, why would you want contact with hairless apes? it reminds me of colonialisation, when europe explored the rest of the world. why even talk to "uncivilized wild men"? because they could provide things: gold, artifact etc.

the question you ask is very good, keep in mind that there are malevolent beings in hyperspace too. check out this one:

[Report(s)] A warning to my fellow psychonauts regarding hyperspace entities (wall of text alert!) - DMT - Quality experience reports - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus

well, when these guys are forming our reality and can us make perceive things, they could be the perfect deceptors. maybe that in reality they are really week and helpless without something, that we provide. in any case, be careful who you trust, both in the physical world and hyperspace. being able to physically and mentally defend yourself is crucial, i recommend to get some spiritual self-defence. could come in handy on your journeys.

much love,
332211

 

[Roosh]

Hi Whitespace,

I used to be well into MDMA and pills during the 90's and naughties, in my early twenties I got to the point where dropping multiple pills became a personal challenge to see how fucked and high I could really get (didn't seem to be a limit), i remember once I dropped 6 pills (E's) then took 2 grams of speed and was sitting in a nightclubs chill out room (monged) i then was passed a spliff and after taking just one toke became completely straight (instantly) but overwhelmingly paranoid. Stayed in a kind of MDMA psychosis for about 6 months. years later on reflection I probably should've visited the doctor and got some Valium or something similar to level me out. Anyway my point is personally I feel DMT is such a strong experience I would be very wary of mixing it with any other substance until you have a full grasp on it's effects or at least some personal tools to control the trip or anchor you and bring you back to mental safety if required. I now consider my own mental state to be a kind of elastic band that can be stretched and manipulated to experience highs but if I push it too far it can indeed be snapped.

I too have only done DMT 10 or so times only breaking through 2 maybe 3 times and on every occasion it has been a scary experience, very similar to your experience of the feeling of being manipulated, no control of the situation whats so ever and having a strong feeling that they (the DMT elves) are having a field day at my expense, it was very interesting reading your post as coming from an MDMA background I have also toyed with the idea of doing DMT on MDMA because of the feeling of love and euphoria that MDMA brings in the hope of a more pleasant DMT experience without the overwhelming fear of being manipulated, played with like a puppet. i'm really glad you shared your experience Whitespace as i now am quite certain it's something I probably don't want to try out. I read a post recently in the newby section which mentioned meditation can help a lot with the pre-flight jitters which may lead to a more comfortable journey trip in general.

I have also been experimenting with music and like you, my first DMT trip my friend had House music blazing in the background which although gave me a good anchor on time (to counter the dilation until breakthrough) the volume definitely seemed to increase and became a bit of a distraction. I'm possibly thinking maybe music at a low volume that instills good memories.

I too take a couple of attempts to breakthrough. One Nexus member recommended closing your eyes after your final exhale as the visuals are so intense and immediate it helps to reduce the jitters and fear factor.

Anyway it was good to read your post Whitespace, safe journeys.

 

[nothingness]

I feel the same here. I am an absolute lightweight and am scared shitless of loosing my freakin mind bro! I haven't made it passed slight OEV cuz I am just that scared!

I just hope one day I can't find enough peace inside of myself to be one with any experience that comes about. I mean fo realz, just fully program my unconscious mind to understand that it just chills at all times even during the wildest of adventures. I would hate to die and not have seen hyperspace but I am just too shitscared to even take a peak. What makes me so scared? The same thing as you say... how absurd and insane it all is! I just don't feel I can keep myself together. Maybe I could though, I don't know but I don't feel like I can trust it because my experience with mj has hurt me in the past and dmt could be the same. I might start having intense flashbacks, waking up in the middle of the night half in hyperspace half out melting in to my bed saying "nooooooooo, heeelp!", I might start shouting irrational nonsense at myself, I might start smearing my shit all over the walls... all because I wanted to gain a deeper insight in to my existence. :!:

I'll just keep my doses at 5mg thanks :surprised

 

[Whitespace]

I too have only done DMT 10 or so times only breaking through 2 maybe 3 times and on every occasion it has been a scary experience, very similar to your experience of the feeling of being manipulated, no control of the situation whats so ever and having a strong feeling that they (the DMT elves) are having a field day at my expense, it was very interesting reading your post as coming from an MDMA background I have also toyed with the idea of doing DMT on MDMA because of the feeling of love and euphoria that MDMA brings in the hope of a more pleasant DMT experience without the overwhelming fear of being manipulated, played with like a puppet. i'm really glad you shared your experience Whitespace as i now am quite certain it's something I probably don't want to try out.

Glad to help out a fellow psychonaut plot a course through hyperspace. I think heeding the advice of, "if you're unsure you're not ready," is really apropro with respect to DMT. Especially when mixing with other drugs. I've slowly vaped 10mg of DMT mixed with weed while on DOC so I know what it's like to be on a not-so-friendly drug and throw DMT in the mix. With MDMA I was so happy that it was hard to know not to smoke a heroic dose (100+ mg was probably in the pipe)

Now I know better

 

[Whitespace]

Also, I think that because I've spent so much time extracting (with a crazy high 3%+ yield of pure recrystallized spice off of MHRB) I feel like I understand spice a lot more than my friends, but in reality I've just spent more time in the lab.

Knowledge of chemistry is definitely NOT knowledge of hyperspace.

 

[Whitespace]

Just a quick update: I've dosed with 15, 10, and 5mg recently and have disliked all of them. Smoking makes me remember my breakthrough experiences, and the mind fuck is something I dread, so I'm taking a break for a while. I'm going to try to make some changa to see if that helps (also because I have a bunch of freebase and I'm not sure what else to do with it now)

Having spent so much time wondering why I'm dreading the mindfuck, I've come to realize a lot of different things about me that I'm holding onto too much, and DMT is the one thing that can penetrate my armor. So I'm beginning the steps to grow into a different person that doesn't need to hold onto those things anymore. I think it's going to have a really large positive impact on my life, so even if I never smoke DMT again I'll be better off having done it.

If I do smoke it again, I just know that the elves will say, "we made you question your experience and then come to the conclusion to change your life and then do all those things to change your personality so you could come back here! We control everything about you" and it will be an even crazier mindfuck.

Definitely not looking forward to thatconversation! :lol:

 

[tseuq]

Hey Whitespace,

to me, psychedelics, especially DMT can show up with some really mind blowing and intense experiences. The "trick" seems not to get stuck in them. Getting stuck orrucs preferably when building a personal story, the ego gets affected ("What do the aliens want from me?"; "It is just so horrible, we are getting farmed." .. what ever), around the experience and sticking to it, believing in it as onyl truth.

Everything is relative, maybe it is like that, maybe not, maybe aliens, maybe your mama and maybe the elves are just projections of the subconciousncess, I don't know.

My tipp for integration is co-existence of phenomenoms. When I welcome and include all of them and see that they are all same of value, the experience gets more and more densed.

But hey, in the end it is all one divine, thus there is no need to be afraid and to worry about anything. What remains is pure freedom and a world full of play and en-joyment.

When I watch a horror-movie, I expect the sensation of being shocked and feelings of anxiety. Maybe it is the same with such powerful entheogens like DMT, that one has to be open also for her/his own feelings and thoughts of crazyness and wiredness to "enjoy" hyperspace. They are part of the experience, because life contains simply everything and even more.

Thus these substances are great teachers in letting go of mindness. They can loose the tight grip of the hallucinated paradigm of duality and enables one to transcend and come back in the now, the omniverse shared experience.

All the best, tseuq

 

[Roosh]

Just a quick update: I'm going to try to make some changa to see if that helps (also because I have a bunch of freebase and I'm not sure what else to do with it now)

Hey Whitespace,

I think Changa could be the way forward, i made my first batch and currently doing the curing process, one tip: use an eye dropper instead of pouring the DMT enriched IPA onto the leaf. And one of these would be a great benefit as well http://www.betterequipped.co.uk/evaporating-basin-glass-100-ml-capacity-prd0100p-71 reason being I noticed when i evaped the IPA using a standard dish and pouring technique, there was rings of DMT left on the standard dish I was using.

Have you tried the DMT sandwich placing a small amount of DMT in-between some non harsh leaf such as Mullien? it's what cured all my recent breakthrough fears it's really easy to control the dosage and you don't have to worry about vaporising. i managed to maintain a happy kind of trippy place just below breakthrough for around 40mins just topping up the pipe and then did slightly more for a final breakthrough once I felt secure of my current state which worked really well, much less anxiety and a more pleasant controlled experience.

But if you never do DMT again at least you can say you've experienced one of the strongest entheogen's on the planet which is more than most people can say.

All the best dude

 

[upwaysidedown]

Just a quick update: I've dosed with 15, 10, and 5mg recently and have disliked all of them. Smoking makes me remember my breakthrough experiences, and the mind fuck is something I dread, so I'm taking a break for a while. I'm going to try to make some changa to see if that helps (also because I have a bunch of freebase and I'm not sure what else to do with it now)

I had such an experience on my 5th, twice in one day was the mistake - I was pushing it trying to understand the experience, not waiting with patience until I was called back. They took me by the scruff of the neck and truly got down to business "If you want to see it all, here it is!".

I now go gentle, not pushing it, not over eager. I knew when it was time to go back, even though like you - having the ability to do so made me think I should do so earlier.

Maybe this is not a lesson for you, but it was for me. I have to say that since, when I have taken it slow and gentle - it has also done so with me. I feel almost guilty for the beauty and pleasure from my last visit, if it was always like this it could become recreational.

Whatever you believe about the experience or "them" I feel they are also a part of me, and my experience is a mirror being held up.

BTW I tried with music too to ground me when trying to go back, but found it distracted too much - I've found that with silence smaller doses allow me to go deeper, or sort of deeper into the shallows if you know what I mean. The shallows are far more friendly perhaps.

Spice keeps a long time as I understand it (if kept properly)

 

[TGO]

Hey man, I can relate to your feelings for sure. Respect and set/setting is paramount to a successful journey. It may help to not look at trips as being inherently good or bad, they just are what they are: an experience.

There is a rather large thread that explains why DMT may or may not be for everyone and if you haven't come across it before, I believe it is a thread any DMT enthusiast should read over at least once:

Why you should NOT take DMT

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to stop taking DMT because you are free to do as you wish but there is a ton of useful information within that thread.

As for making changa, it is my favorite way to smoke DMT. BTW, a freebase or crack/meth pipe are not really ideal for DMT and making changa will solve this issue because you can smoke it right out of a standard water bong. Changa is quite amazing but it is every bit as powerful as freebase. The only difference is it tends to ease you into the experience and it extends the duration (not necessarily the peak, but the overall trip). However, I've been experimenting with a one hit changa method that has led to some whacky trips, I tell you what!

I have had issues with pre-flight anxiety and not letting go fully during an experience. I will admit I still struggle with completely letting go but it is a work in progress and is getting better. I would like to encourage you to read my trip report which outlines some ways that I dealt with the nervousness/anxiety felt prior to tripping and how I am learning to overcome these things:


"Do What You Will, I'm Letting Go."

Lastly, whatever it means, I've had the best journeys in complete silence, with dim lighting but that is completely subjective of course. Well, whatever you decide to do, I wish you well on any and all future endeavors, whether it includes DMT or not.

 

[Glossolalia]

But anyway, my question is: does anyone else get that feeling like the entities manipulated your memories/actions/entire life? Even if they're doing that because they think it's hilarious to watch my reaction, it's really unnerving.

Yes, at least most entities. There are some entities that seem utterly oblivious to me, but most (notably the ones that I believe were what T. McKenna called "elves" ) are like little mischievous imps who know damn well that they have the power to blow my mind, and will do so merrily.

I have multiple interpretations. I'm going to describe them out as if these entities are real conscious beings, although I am fully open to the very real possibility that they are subsets of my own psyche.

1 - Perhaps they are like Zen masters, and you are the student. If you know even a little about Zen you know that the goal is to break the student's cognitive mind, because thoughts are obstacle to experiencing the now-ness of the moment. In that perspective these elves have been most adept Zen teachers. On more than one trip I struggled in vain to put the ineffable into words, and the beings openly mocked me for trying to do that, with a kind of attitude of: "How's that working out for you? Hehehehe!"

2 - Perhaps they are not so much like Zen Masters, but more like advanced beings who amuse themselves by watching us flip out when they show us stuff that they regard as mundane. Have you ever used a LASER pointer to make a cat go berserk? Perhaps that's what they are doing to us, watching our minds snap trying to comprehend something that we couldn't comprehend if we wanted to, just for their own amusement.

3 - How you interface with the beings depends on your state of mind. In the above descriptions I was struggling with thoughts, words, linguistic units, and the entities were mocking me for it. I have had other experiences where I was able to clear my mind of the rubbish that's usually knocking about in there, and the nature of the experience was QUITE different. Instead of mocking me, they were dancing with me. By way of metaphor, it was as if we were all dancing in a circle and simultaneously tossing wondrous objects back and forth.

Finally let me agree with what the Grateful One said about changa. It might be going too far to call it a "kinder, gentler, DMT" but it slows down the frantic insanity to the point where you can almost handle it. Almost.