Lampewick
Rising Star
Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I was recommended this forum by a good friend of mine, who was once an active member. It's funny actually, the way that we met each other is that we were both in shared accommodation for people who were at a point where they had nowhere to go. I heard someone talking about spiritual experiences in the living area, specifically related to DMT, and this prompted me to go out and talk to him. He's been my best bud for years now.
The reason he began using DMT was partly due to the grief of having lost his mother. This was something that we immediately had in common, and a critical point of why I am now considering DMT myself. However, my situation is a bit complex. It seems clear that DMT does in fact have the potential to assist an individual in resolving trauma. However, there are some specific qualities to my position that are worth taking into account...
The first point is that that I have experienced more grief and loss than most other 28 year old's that I meet in my day to day life. My mother died when I was 18, my sister died when I was 22, and my dad had a bike accident leaving him with permanent brain damage, and died earlier this year. The culmination of these events have led me to points of chronic alcoholism, nihilism and self-destruction.
The second point is that in 2017, I had an experience which changed my life forever. There was some cannabis use involved, but never any psychedelics. It involved a sensation in which I felt my chest being pried open, but instead of being painful, it was like absolute bliss as I felt an incredible amount of fear and tension pouring out like a fountain. Accompanied by this sensation was a profound realization that "life was doing me", and that I was not a separate individual inside of life.
The third point relates to the absurd way in which I perceive this experience to operate. Your term of "condensation" seems to resemble what I am talking about, others might use "synchronicity". I have been left with a personal conviction that life itself is intelligent, and much like your notions of integration, and being shut out, I have been left with a very clear understanding of how "Life" or "Love" or "God" had provided me opportunities for liberation of my trauma in the past, and how my own choices have resulted in me rejecting that healing of my own free will. The best case scenario is that it is just a psychosis, the worst case scenario is that I have dug my own hole and the consequences are catastrophic.
The fourth and final point relates to the overwhelming amount of negative energy and trauma which has made its home in the deep emotional wounds that I carry with me. When I became aware of Life's intelligent nature, and had that blissful experience, I also became aware of just how much spiritual and emotional pain I am in. It is as if I am constantly "hallucinating" the sensation of a barbed wire chain wrapped tightly around my throat, arms, shoulders, stomach etc. and have also experienced, many years ago, firsthand, the indescribable bliss of these chains being loosened.
So now we teeter on the edge of what has brought me here. I am looking for a solution. The pain I experience is so dark, deep seated, and of such a seemingly spiritual nature, that 10+ years of therapy have left me with nothing but a piqued curiosity and an intellectual understanding of how we as humans try to approach the nature of the mind. This is not a matter of the mind, but the heart, of which mine has closed itself off due to an overwhelming amount of FEAR and SHAME which I cannot begin to comprehend. Glimpses of it have left me terrified, and I live in a state where the distant, yet ever present intensity of these emotions lingers.
The friend of mine which I mentioned at the beginning of the post broke through on his second attempt. He said it felt "more home than here, more real than here", but was eventually shut out due to becoming dependent on that feeling and repeatedly ignoring warnings. He was eventually slapped and hasn't tried to go back since, because he "got the message".
Before doing DMT, he had never done any kind of psychedelic. No LSD, no psilocybin, nothing, and still hasn't. Neither have I. He said that this specific forum suggested he should start off with one such drug before moving on to DMT, but after a great many journeys, says he does not regret his decision.
He says that if I respect the substance, and go in with the intention to try and grow and seek healing, he can't say for sure what I will experience, but does not think I would come out of it worse than I went in. However, it's still just the perspective of one person. What do you think?
IF YOU HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO READ ALL THIS, THANK YOU.
You did not have to, and I appreciate any input that you have to offer.
The reason he began using DMT was partly due to the grief of having lost his mother. This was something that we immediately had in common, and a critical point of why I am now considering DMT myself. However, my situation is a bit complex. It seems clear that DMT does in fact have the potential to assist an individual in resolving trauma. However, there are some specific qualities to my position that are worth taking into account...
The first point is that that I have experienced more grief and loss than most other 28 year old's that I meet in my day to day life. My mother died when I was 18, my sister died when I was 22, and my dad had a bike accident leaving him with permanent brain damage, and died earlier this year. The culmination of these events have led me to points of chronic alcoholism, nihilism and self-destruction.
The second point is that in 2017, I had an experience which changed my life forever. There was some cannabis use involved, but never any psychedelics. It involved a sensation in which I felt my chest being pried open, but instead of being painful, it was like absolute bliss as I felt an incredible amount of fear and tension pouring out like a fountain. Accompanied by this sensation was a profound realization that "life was doing me", and that I was not a separate individual inside of life.
The third point relates to the absurd way in which I perceive this experience to operate. Your term of "condensation" seems to resemble what I am talking about, others might use "synchronicity". I have been left with a personal conviction that life itself is intelligent, and much like your notions of integration, and being shut out, I have been left with a very clear understanding of how "Life" or "Love" or "God" had provided me opportunities for liberation of my trauma in the past, and how my own choices have resulted in me rejecting that healing of my own free will. The best case scenario is that it is just a psychosis, the worst case scenario is that I have dug my own hole and the consequences are catastrophic.
The fourth and final point relates to the overwhelming amount of negative energy and trauma which has made its home in the deep emotional wounds that I carry with me. When I became aware of Life's intelligent nature, and had that blissful experience, I also became aware of just how much spiritual and emotional pain I am in. It is as if I am constantly "hallucinating" the sensation of a barbed wire chain wrapped tightly around my throat, arms, shoulders, stomach etc. and have also experienced, many years ago, firsthand, the indescribable bliss of these chains being loosened.
So now we teeter on the edge of what has brought me here. I am looking for a solution. The pain I experience is so dark, deep seated, and of such a seemingly spiritual nature, that 10+ years of therapy have left me with nothing but a piqued curiosity and an intellectual understanding of how we as humans try to approach the nature of the mind. This is not a matter of the mind, but the heart, of which mine has closed itself off due to an overwhelming amount of FEAR and SHAME which I cannot begin to comprehend. Glimpses of it have left me terrified, and I live in a state where the distant, yet ever present intensity of these emotions lingers.
The friend of mine which I mentioned at the beginning of the post broke through on his second attempt. He said it felt "more home than here, more real than here", but was eventually shut out due to becoming dependent on that feeling and repeatedly ignoring warnings. He was eventually slapped and hasn't tried to go back since, because he "got the message".
Before doing DMT, he had never done any kind of psychedelic. No LSD, no psilocybin, nothing, and still hasn't. Neither have I. He said that this specific forum suggested he should start off with one such drug before moving on to DMT, but after a great many journeys, says he does not regret his decision.
He says that if I respect the substance, and go in with the intention to try and grow and seek healing, he can't say for sure what I will experience, but does not think I would come out of it worse than I went in. However, it's still just the perspective of one person. What do you think?
IF YOU HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO READ ALL THIS, THANK YOU.
You did not have to, and I appreciate any input that you have to offer.
