I’ve heard remarkable stories of recovery and discovery surrounding DMT. I’m intensely curious about it for one primary reason; those who have benefitted the most share my burdens. Mainly, I suffer from depression and anxiety. The depression is clinical, rather than tied to a specific trigger, life experience, or current disposition/circumstance. I live a very blessed life. I have a wonderful family, own my own business, and enjoy financial freedom and stability. I also experience General Anxiety Disorder and panic attacks.
At first, the panic attacks were not triggered by anything in particular. My first one was about 15 years ago. It didn’t occur during a particularly stressful time in my life or on a particularly stressful day. In fact, I was just watching a sitcom and laughing. I felt like I was having a heart attack, then like I was going to pass out. I was confronted with the very real perception that I was about to die. Later it was revealed to me that this was a very real physical reaction, but that the root cause was all in my mind.
Since that time I’ve tried to conquer these debilitating attacks with various combinations of psychological therapy and psychiatric pharmaceuticals, including exclusively each of those. I’ve had some success in controlling the panic attacks with an off label use of an anti-viral (Amantadine), which I’m very grateful for. Unfortunately, the fight against depression has not been as successful, though there has been some improvement.
Throughout this challenging journey, I’ve learned a lot about myself, some good and some bad. I believe it has made me a more compassionate and balanced person. In this learning process I’ve been able to identify thoughts and beliefs that feed my anxiety loop. Primary among them are my fear that my consciousness will cease to exist when I die, that life is meaningless, that humanity is a biological fluke, and that relevance is a charade. I know, pretty self indulgent, but I suspect these pressure points are not unique.
Whether I like it or not, these are thoughts that follow me everywhere, all the time. In the past, I fought against them by attacking atheists and nihilists that promoted ideas which reinforced these fears. To be fair, some of these folks deserved confrontation, as they were militaristic and hateful towards spirituality. Their zeal against everything religious was in itself a religion for them. The truth was, this fear was a part of me that I despised, but rather than tackle it, it was easier to attack others. I suspect that those on the receiving end of my vitriol were experiencing the same thing, just from the opposite end of the bell curve, but I digress. The existential crisis occurred when I realized that what they believed was actually something part of me believed too. The soul was a myth, and nothing about us persists beyond death. This may be true. Unfortunately, we may never know, and there’s no scientific way to prove it either way. It’s a personal choice.
The personal choice I made, based on an introspective evaluation of what I believe, a careful surface study of the world’s religions, their doctrines, and the fruit those religions bear through true believers who practice what they preach, challenged by an honest evaluation of what science can provide, led me to a deeper dive into the teachings of Jesus. For me, Christianity is the answer. I won’t bore you with why as this is such a charged issue, and I seek to be helpful not destructive (reach out if you’re curious). I only share this because it’s part of who I am and this is an introductory post.
Having heard numerous first hand accounts, and seeing many scientific studies, that both indicate psychedelics had a profound positive impact for people who share my struggles, I’m extremely motivated to learn more.
I try to follow the laws of the land. My initial intent was to go to Central or South America for Ayahuasca, but all of the retreats are religious in nature. While I’m not afraid of hearing other perspectives, I’m not interested in actively participating in religious ceremonies outside of my God’s domain. I’m authentic in my beliefs, and sincerely feel that participating in a religious experience in that manner would be disrespectful to them and to God. Maybe that’s misguided, but it’s where I am. So, seeing a shaman is off the table. I’ve been searching for a secular, clinically driven, or even Christian led Ayahuasca option, but without success. It’s surprising to me that clinicians in the psychology field haven’t organized and invested in a healing facility somewhere where this is permitted. I would pay well over $7000 to visit such a facility on a beach, where I could have a few consultations with a clinical psychologist, get a few deep tissue massages, utilize mushrooms, roots, THC, DMT and other proven natural resources in a safe, monitored, and controlled environment to expand and explore my thinking for a week or so. Maybe this should be crowd funded?
In seeking this option, but not finding it, I’m looking for legal alternatives, whether they be in the privacy of my own home, or through areas where this has been decriminalized.
Maybe I just suck at google, but it’s been very difficult to find a guide. Those I have found are extremely vague and impossible for a layperson to execute. Given the seriousness involved in taking a psychoactive substance, I’d rather not experiment on my own. Having had an extreme reaction to Paxil, and subsequent terrible withdrawal experience, I think I know what insanity feels like and I’d rather not go through that again. Given that terrible experience, I would NEVER want to abuse my mind, for fear of permanent damage.
So, now that I’ve laid it all out there, here I am.
I hope this community can be of help.
At first, the panic attacks were not triggered by anything in particular. My first one was about 15 years ago. It didn’t occur during a particularly stressful time in my life or on a particularly stressful day. In fact, I was just watching a sitcom and laughing. I felt like I was having a heart attack, then like I was going to pass out. I was confronted with the very real perception that I was about to die. Later it was revealed to me that this was a very real physical reaction, but that the root cause was all in my mind.
Since that time I’ve tried to conquer these debilitating attacks with various combinations of psychological therapy and psychiatric pharmaceuticals, including exclusively each of those. I’ve had some success in controlling the panic attacks with an off label use of an anti-viral (Amantadine), which I’m very grateful for. Unfortunately, the fight against depression has not been as successful, though there has been some improvement.
Throughout this challenging journey, I’ve learned a lot about myself, some good and some bad. I believe it has made me a more compassionate and balanced person. In this learning process I’ve been able to identify thoughts and beliefs that feed my anxiety loop. Primary among them are my fear that my consciousness will cease to exist when I die, that life is meaningless, that humanity is a biological fluke, and that relevance is a charade. I know, pretty self indulgent, but I suspect these pressure points are not unique.
Whether I like it or not, these are thoughts that follow me everywhere, all the time. In the past, I fought against them by attacking atheists and nihilists that promoted ideas which reinforced these fears. To be fair, some of these folks deserved confrontation, as they were militaristic and hateful towards spirituality. Their zeal against everything religious was in itself a religion for them. The truth was, this fear was a part of me that I despised, but rather than tackle it, it was easier to attack others. I suspect that those on the receiving end of my vitriol were experiencing the same thing, just from the opposite end of the bell curve, but I digress. The existential crisis occurred when I realized that what they believed was actually something part of me believed too. The soul was a myth, and nothing about us persists beyond death. This may be true. Unfortunately, we may never know, and there’s no scientific way to prove it either way. It’s a personal choice.
The personal choice I made, based on an introspective evaluation of what I believe, a careful surface study of the world’s religions, their doctrines, and the fruit those religions bear through true believers who practice what they preach, challenged by an honest evaluation of what science can provide, led me to a deeper dive into the teachings of Jesus. For me, Christianity is the answer. I won’t bore you with why as this is such a charged issue, and I seek to be helpful not destructive (reach out if you’re curious). I only share this because it’s part of who I am and this is an introductory post.
Having heard numerous first hand accounts, and seeing many scientific studies, that both indicate psychedelics had a profound positive impact for people who share my struggles, I’m extremely motivated to learn more.
I try to follow the laws of the land. My initial intent was to go to Central or South America for Ayahuasca, but all of the retreats are religious in nature. While I’m not afraid of hearing other perspectives, I’m not interested in actively participating in religious ceremonies outside of my God’s domain. I’m authentic in my beliefs, and sincerely feel that participating in a religious experience in that manner would be disrespectful to them and to God. Maybe that’s misguided, but it’s where I am. So, seeing a shaman is off the table. I’ve been searching for a secular, clinically driven, or even Christian led Ayahuasca option, but without success. It’s surprising to me that clinicians in the psychology field haven’t organized and invested in a healing facility somewhere where this is permitted. I would pay well over $7000 to visit such a facility on a beach, where I could have a few consultations with a clinical psychologist, get a few deep tissue massages, utilize mushrooms, roots, THC, DMT and other proven natural resources in a safe, monitored, and controlled environment to expand and explore my thinking for a week or so. Maybe this should be crowd funded?
In seeking this option, but not finding it, I’m looking for legal alternatives, whether they be in the privacy of my own home, or through areas where this has been decriminalized.
Maybe I just suck at google, but it’s been very difficult to find a guide. Those I have found are extremely vague and impossible for a layperson to execute. Given the seriousness involved in taking a psychoactive substance, I’d rather not experiment on my own. Having had an extreme reaction to Paxil, and subsequent terrible withdrawal experience, I think I know what insanity feels like and I’d rather not go through that again. Given that terrible experience, I would NEVER want to abuse my mind, for fear of permanent damage.
So, now that I’ve laid it all out there, here I am.
I hope this community can be of help.
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