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Hello all!


Rising Star
I’ve heard remarkable stories of recovery and discovery surrounding DMT. I’m intensely curious about it for one primary reason; those who have benefitted the most share my burdens. Mainly, I suffer from depression and anxiety. The depression is clinical, rather than tied to a specific trigger, life experience, or current disposition/circumstance. I live a very blessed life. I have a wonderful family, own my own business, and enjoy financial freedom and stability. I also experience General Anxiety Disorder and panic attacks.

At first, the panic attacks were not triggered by anything in particular. My first one was about 15 years ago. It didn’t occur during a particularly stressful time in my life or on a particularly stressful day. In fact, I was just watching a sitcom and laughing. I felt like I was having a heart attack, then like I was going to pass out. I was confronted with the very real perception that I was about to die. Later it was revealed to me that this was a very real physical reaction, but that the root cause was all in my mind.

Since that time I’ve tried to conquer these debilitating attacks with various combinations of psychological therapy and psychiatric pharmaceuticals, including exclusively each of those. I’ve had some success in controlling the panic attacks with an off label use of an anti-viral (Amantadine), which I’m very grateful for. Unfortunately, the fight against depression has not been as successful, though there has been some improvement.

Throughout this challenging journey, I’ve learned a lot about myself, some good and some bad. I believe it has made me a more compassionate and balanced person. In this learning process I’ve been able to identify thoughts and beliefs that feed my anxiety loop. Primary among them are my fear that my consciousness will cease to exist when I die, that life is meaningless, that humanity is a biological fluke, and that relevance is a charade. I know, pretty self indulgent, but I suspect these pressure points are not unique.

Whether I like it or not, these are thoughts that follow me everywhere, all the time. In the past, I fought against them by attacking atheists and nihilists that promoted ideas which reinforced these fears. To be fair, some of these folks deserved confrontation, as they were militaristic and hateful towards spirituality. Their zeal against everything religious was in itself a religion for them. The truth was, this fear was a part of me that I despised, but rather than tackle it, it was easier to attack others. I suspect that those on the receiving end of my vitriol were experiencing the same thing, just from the opposite end of the bell curve, but I digress. The existential crisis occurred when I realized that what they believed was actually something part of me believed too. The soul was a myth, and nothing about us persists beyond death. This may be true. Unfortunately, we may never know, and there’s no scientific way to prove it either way. It’s a personal choice.

The personal choice I made, based on an introspective evaluation of what I believe, a careful surface study of the world’s religions, their doctrines, and the fruit those religions bear through true believers who practice what they preach, challenged by an honest evaluation of what science can provide, led me to a deeper dive into the teachings of Jesus. For me, Christianity is the answer. I won’t bore you with why as this is such a charged issue, and I seek to be helpful not destructive (reach out if you’re curious). I only share this because it’s part of who I am and this is an introductory post.

Having heard numerous first hand accounts, and seeing many scientific studies, that both indicate psychedelics had a profound positive impact for people who share my struggles, I’m extremely motivated to learn more.

I try to follow the laws of the land. My initial intent was to go to Central or South America for Ayahuasca, but all of the retreats are religious in nature. While I’m not afraid of hearing other perspectives, I’m not interested in actively participating in religious ceremonies outside of my God’s domain. I’m authentic in my beliefs, and sincerely feel that participating in a religious experience in that manner would be disrespectful to them and to God. Maybe that’s misguided, but it’s where I am. So, seeing a shaman is off the table. I’ve been searching for a secular, clinically driven, or even Christian led Ayahuasca option, but without success. It’s surprising to me that clinicians in the psychology field haven’t organized and invested in a healing facility somewhere where this is permitted. I would pay well over $7000 to visit such a facility on a beach, where I could have a few consultations with a clinical psychologist, get a few deep tissue massages, utilize mushrooms, roots, THC, DMT and other proven natural resources in a safe, monitored, and controlled environment to expand and explore my thinking for a week or so. Maybe this should be crowd funded?

In seeking this option, but not finding it, I’m looking for legal alternatives, whether they be in the privacy of my own home, or through areas where this has been decriminalized.

Maybe I just suck at google, but it’s been very difficult to find a guide. Those I have found are extremely vague and impossible for a layperson to execute. Given the seriousness involved in taking a psychoactive substance, I’d rather not experiment on my own. Having had an extreme reaction to Paxil, and subsequent terrible withdrawal experience, I think I know what insanity feels like and I’d rather not go through that again. Given that terrible experience, I would NEVER want to abuse my mind, for fear of permanent damage.

So, now that I’ve laid it all out there, here I am.

I hope this community can be of help.
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Hello, @MPizzy,

First and foremost, let me extend a warm welcome to the Nexus. I also want to thank you for being so honest and open from the get go. It seems like you are in a place characterized by a pretty solid grasp of what skeletons you have in your closet, as well as what strengths you can leverage in dealing with them (i.e. your faith).

Psychedelics have often been linked to having deep, religious experiences for many people. In that sense, I think you will find them quite appealing even if all they offered is that. Thankfully, they can offer you much, much more than that. I myself am rather agnostic in terms of my beliefs, although in certain situations, for example while under the influence of a psychedelic substance in a forest or a beautiful, secluded spot in nature, I do feel an indescribably strong connection to nature that I can honestly describe only as "religious", though not in a traditional sense. So I'm not really an atheist or someone that rejects any and all notion of religion. I recognize it helps a lot of people find a better path in life, and if something can make the world a better place, I'm all for people practicing it in the form that it achieves this end result. I digress...

My initial intent was to go to Central or South America for Ayahuasca, but all of the retreats are religious in nature.
I'm not quite sure about that one. While a portion of the retreats definitely follow some kind of religious doctrine, I'm positive a lot of them don't, and let you go about the journey in your own way (excluding the strongly recommended stuff that precedes the experience, like fasting, working with medicinal plants to cleanse the body, etc). While I cannot speak of specific retreats because my experience with them is practically non-existent, I'm certain other forum members can shed more light on this.

My original recommendation would have been to make your choice of substance, pair it with an appropriate set & setting, and start working with the medicine on your own, without having a guide. This naturally involves the meticulous following of established safety protocols and rules of thumb, as well as being very careful with the dosage - always starting very low and gradually increasing. This would provide an avenue for you to slowly explore what different types of medicine have to offer you, and it will serve as a bonding experience that will teach you how you can work with your medicine of choice in a way that benefits you.

However, if you prefer not going at it alone and really want to have a guide or even go to a retreat, I will have to let others speak more about this. I personally have all of my journeys alone and out in nature. But that's not a rule to have a productive, profound experience. It's just a personal choice that has its own pros and cons.

In any case, thank you for being so coherent, eloquent, and open about your situation. I'm sure you will find like-minded people around here. You're on the precipice of an important, monumental journey. The path branches in many ways. Hopefully our beautiful community will be able to help you choose the right one for you.

Cheers! ❤️
The path branches in many ways. Hopefully our beautiful community will be able to help you choose the right one for you.

Cheers! ❤️
Thanks so much for the thoughtful reply. I’m traveling today but hope to dig in a bit this weekend.
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